Id say "im fine," But I recently decided that I tell the lie enough in my day to day life, and I don't need to say it here too, however, for all intents and purposes, "Im hanging in there" is much better... as long as you dont take me literally. :D

Thank you all so much for the reviews. I was going back and reading some of this story, and I realized I made a HUGE mistake, having already done Edwards' pov in chapter 15 (it sucks. no need to go back and read.) anyways, Now that i feel like a complete and total idiot (my sister who just has to be better at everything didnt help) im going to move on and pretend that didnt happen. I'd also like to apologize for a mistake like that, I tripple check and was SURE I hadnt, but of course the second I posted it, I found out i already did it. ugggghhhh. Anyways, heres chapter twenty, the one I've been waiting to write... and the one that im probably going to get halfway though and decide I hate and- anyways... enjoy:)

Oh, yeah, also, you get to find out why this is titled "Walking Nightmare"... so tell me if you aprove.

She gave a watery laugh, tears brimming just behind her eyes. "I don't even know where to start..."

I held her hand, kissing it on the top. "How about at the beginning?"

She gave the same watery laugh again. "Whats the beginning? When I was born? When I moved to Forks? When I met you? When?"

I really didn't want to say this aloud. "How about when I left...?" I suggested cautiously.

She took a shaky breath and started. "I... I dont even know how to explain, I mean, Im going to probably end up ranting... a bunch, but I mean... You said you didn't love me, and it just made so much sense, and..."

I cut her off, "Wait, what do you mean, 'it made sense'?"

She shruged, "It never made sense for you to love me - I mean, seriously, look at me vs. you. You're so... perfect. next to you, you're a diamond, and I'm the uglyest thing on the planet." I opened my mouth to disagree, but she continued on. "But - and I dont know why - I tried to follow you, just... I don't know, hoping, I guess, that I'd somehow catch up... be able to follow. Eventually, I was just running to keep my mind off... everything. I ran until... " She paused to consider. "I guess I'd colapesed. anyways, I fell and couldn't - not that I tried - get up... Sometime later, Sam Uley found me, and took me back home."

The hole in my chest had reopened, and I curled in on myself, trying to hold myself together. trying to keep myself from crupling apart. It felt so instinctual by now. Like blinking or breathing. "Why... do you do that?" Edward asked cautiously.

I blinked at him. "Do what?"

"Cross your arms and hold yourself like that..." He seemed so... cautious. scared of upsetting me. Realistically, I was glad he was cautious. I didn't know I could keep myself together if he wasnt cautious. Maybe in a couple hours, but not now.

"I..." I knew I was blushing. I'd never told anyone. "It hurts... so I try to... hold myself together." Gosh, it sounded so stupid to say it aloud like that.

He nodded slowly and motioned for me to continue. I didn't miss how his expression closed off a bit.

"The first week was the worst. I... I didn't sleep, didn't eat, I was useless. towards the end of the week, Charlie flew my mom out here, to take me to florida. I dont remember it, but I heard Charlie telling Billy I threw a tantrum... threw my clothes and screamed a bunch. Refused to leave Forks and stuff..." I blushed crimson. "After that, I was more... aware. But still... not there. I did everything I was supposed to, and perfectly too. I got straight A's, never went anywhere to break curfew, did the laundry, the dishes, made freasg meals every day and only had leftovers every once-in-a-while..." I trailed off, wondering how to explain.

"But I was encased in a shell of numbness... most of the time. When I wasn't, it was the pain that took me." I felt a lump form in my throat, but started speaking around it. "Then, one day, Charlie suggested I go see a shrink."

"I... was worried he'd make me, so I made plans to go out with Jessica..." We were getting close to the part, and my heart rate increased, thumping so hard it hurt on my pulse. "I... inside the new mall... we... got seperated."

The lump in my throat doubled in size.

"I was walking, and I saw these men in a bar... They... they reminded me of the ones you saved me from."

I could see their lustful faces clear in my vision.

"I went a bit closer... trying to see if they were the ones you saved me from..."

His face was a perfect mask. perfectly controlled. He didn't want me to see his reaction... I didn't want to see his reaction. I was afraid of it.

"And I heard your voice. So clear... you told me to step away - that they were dangerous." I sounded far-away. Like I was hillucinating or in a dream. "Oh, my own hillucinations and nightmares hadn't done your perfect voice any good. I wanted more."

It was hard to breathe. I tried to push away the vile images my mind presented me with. Not images, I corrected, Memories.

"So I inched closer..." A faint trembling took me. "And they took that opportunity to corner me..." I trailed off. "And they -" I choked on the lump in my throat. "They -" Tears pooled in my eyes, threatening to spill over. I angrily wiped them away. I sniffled. "They -" The lump in my throat squeezed, it got hard to breathe, and I choked out strangled sobbs.

"Sh... Bella, it's okay. You don't have to say it. I understand."

A perfectly calm mask stared at me. As if I were discussing the weather.

I took a deep breath, forcing myself to calm down. I had gotten this far, and I'd finish my story. "That was the first night I cut. Alone, in my room, with nothing but my thoughts to torment me..." I sounded far-off, even to my own ears. I felt disconected from myself. Like I was just borrowing my body from someone else or something. like I'd been swapped. I gave a bitter laugh. "It helped me slip back into the old phase. of numbness and nothing. It helped me forget. With you, it took me months to teach myself not to think you name, and not to think of you... Cutting, it took me a little over a week."

The silence after was long and heavy. Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore, "What are you thinking?" I asked, trying to keep the worry, annoyance, and fear out of my voice.

"That it might be time for me to go hunt in port angeles. no drinking blood, of course, just on a little... stroll."

I shivered. "Dont."

He looked at me for a long moment and sighed. "I'll take into consideration your opinion." He said stiffly.

My eyes fluttered closed, and I dropped my head a bit. "I should take you home, I lost track of time." Edward announced suddenly.

I leaned my head on his shoulder and hummed quietly, looking out onto the road on the way there.

Edward carried me up to his room and laid me down on the bed - a new adition since I moved in. I grumpbled and sat up, "Im not tired." Lie. I didn't want to sleep. It amounted to the same thing.

He gave me a skeptical look, and I knew he saw right through the lie. "At least try." He insisted.

I shook my head. "No. let's go do something."

Edward sighed, exasperated. "Bella, it's nearly 3am."

I grinned. "Exactly. It's morning! Now let's go do something." In all honesty, that was the last thing I felt like doing. something. anything. I just wanted to sit and stare off into space.

I just wanted to slit my wrist open.

Unusual, I noted. Normally, I was okay with Edward near me... today I wasn't. But there was no way I could slip away for long enough - either way, Edward or - or someone, Carlisle maybe, would notice.

I toyed with the idea, no decisions, just toying with the idea. Edward's phone rang.

"Hello? ...Hey, Alice, what's up?" Dread pooled in me. Had Alice seen? "No, not really... maybe a little, yes... Yes, she did... Oh... mm-hmm. I'll keep an eye out." He turned to face me. "Bella?"

I swallowed. Hard. "Y-yeah?"

He sighed. "I take it, you know why Alice called... Bella, please don't. Please. I'm sorry, I shouldn't've pushed it out of you, or let you tell me, you weren't ready... Please don't. Don't... resist for me."

I sighed. "Hold me." I murmured softly.

I pondered how imensely unworthy of him I was. How a dirty broken sould didnt deserve an Angel such as him.

I was too selfish to push him away as I should've.

EDWARD POV

"The first week was the worst. I... I didn't sleep, didn't eat, I was useless. towards the end of the week, Charlie flew my mom out here, to take me to florida. I dont remember it, but I heard Charlie telling Billy I threw a tantrum... threw my clothes and screamed a bunch. I refused to leave Forks and stuff..." A light pink blush colored her overly pale face. Fear tained her beautiful features. "After that, I was more... aware. But still... not there. I did everything I was supposed to, and perfectly, too. I got straight A's, never went anywhere to break curfew, did the laundry, the dishes, made freasg meals every day and only had leftovers every once-in-a-while..." She trailed off, taking slow, deliberate breaths. Guilt was consumeing me raw. I hid my pain and reminded myself that I had caused this. I deserved to know - and deal with - the consequenses.

"But I was encased in a shell on numbness... most of the time. When it wasn't, it was the pain that took me." she continued. I secretly wondered if this could get any worse. Then, I amended. whatever my family was hiding was much, much worse... I could just tell. "Then, one day, Charlie suggested I go see a shrink." That caught me by suprise. I briefly wondered if she was getting therapy now, but quickly concluded that it was highly unlikely, maybe impossible.

"I... was worried he'd make me, so I made plans to go out with Jessica..." I could hear her heart thumping faster, louder. "I... inside the new mall... we... got separated."

dread pooled into me, fast and furious. This wouldn't end well. I set my face into a perfect mask of calm. I didn't want to freak out and scare her.

"I was walking, and I saw these men in a bar... They... they reminded me of the ones you saved me from."

The dread intensified

"I went a bit closer... trying to see if they were the ones you saved me from..."

I wanted to ask, 'How stupid could you be? Were you suicidal?' But the dread made me sick. I couldn't speak.

"And I heard your voice. So clear... you told me to step away - that they were dangerous." She sounded far away. Dazed... "Oh, my own hillucinations and nightmares hadn't done your perfect voice any good. I wanted more."

I doubted she noticed, but my hands were shaking, if it was possible, the dread got even worse.

"So I inched closer..." A faint trembling took her. "And they took that opportunity to corner me..." She trailed off. "And then -" She made a choking sound, like she was supressing sobbs "They -" Tears pooled in in her eyes, threatening to spill over. She angrily wiped them away. "They -"

Something clicked into place. Rose's sudden desire to get close to her, Rose's sympathy towards Bella, The way bella held herself- even now- like she wanted nothing more than to sink into the seat and never emerge again, the way Bella insisted she was worthless and nothing... It all snapped into place, like how a gear might snap into place and the cogs would turn again.

I hurried to soothe her.

I saw red.

"Sh... Bella, Its okay. You don't have to say it. I understand."

She took a deep breath, like she was setting her resolve.

"That was the first night I cut. Alone, in my room, with nothing but my thoughts to torment me..." Her eyes were far away. disconected. This... It wasn't good. not good at all. "It helped me slip back into the old phase. of numbness and nothing. It helped me forget. With you, it took me months to teach myself not to think you name, and not to think of you... Cutting, it took me a little over a week."

The conversation continued on, but my main focus was on another train of thoughts, though I had many.

It was hard to focus. To pay much attention to... anything. All I wanted to do was kill those men. I'd been wrong before, going to Carlisle to knock them out. I could presume they escaped from prison.

I was interrupted by a call from Alice.

"Hello?"

"Edward!" She said it deperately. Like I was an only hope. I knew the voice well. Dread settled in me once again, becoming nearly incapitaeing when combined with the crippling guilt.

"Hey, Alice, what's up?"

"Is Bella... okay?" I glanced at her, reading her fearful eyes. as if Bella knew what Alice was calling about.

"No, not really."

"Are you upset, Edward? After hearing?"

"Maybe a little, yes."

"She told you what happened, didn't she?" I'm still seeing red.

"Yes, she did."

"I had a vision of her cutting. Bad."

"Oh..."

"Let her know you still love her. it might cause problems later... and don't let her out of your sight. please."

"mm-hmm, I'll keep an eye out."

"Thank you, Edward."

I turned to face her. "Bella?" She looked at me, Eyes withdrawn half into her own world, eyes that held fear. Fear of rejection.

She swallowed hard, and the sound sounded like it hurt. "Y-Yeah?"

Let her know you still love her.

I sighed. "I take it, you know why Alice called... Bella, please don't. Please. I'm sorry, I shouldn't've pushed it out of you, or let you tell me, you weren't ready... Please don't. Don't... resist for me."

She was still for a few moments, them relaxed, sighing heavily. "Hold me." She requested softly, melting into my cold embrace.

My throat burned with her scent. Her body burned my arms.

I didnt let go.

She got up, sometime the next day. pushing me away.

She wouldn't meet my eyes, staring affixedly at the ground.

"Everything hurts. Every minute of every hour drags and blurs together. Everything just feels like one Walking Nightmare."

Her eyes, now looking out the window (from what I could see), drifted further away. Her hand pressed against her thigh.

"And..." She continued softly, "When someone can't wake themself up from a nightmare..."

The world seemed to both slow down and go very fast

...when had we gotten into my room?

Silver glinted across my vision, and embeded itself into her. "Death becomes the only release." She finished softly, as she crumped to the ground, the blade portudeing from her chest.