BioWare owns all but what I made up. : )

So Kai has been so exhausted, and with all the horrors, on a bit of a downward spiral. So we have the Fade, or do we? And a meeting with someone who might just be able to put it in perspective for her. SPOILER ALERT: There will be things discussed from Mr. Gaider's wonderful books, especially "The Stolen Throne."

And a special shout out goes to LadyJessmyn, who had the idea for talking to our mystery guest in the Fade first in her tale "Shades of Grey." Again, I know I said it last chapter too, but I need to give credit where credit is due. One for Tanith Ayers who was my shinning example of how to write angst without being wallowy or drama with a capital D. Thanks sweetie! And I have to say YAY to Ladyamesindy & Night Hunter MGS who both got my "McGuyver" reference in the name Angus (yes a favorite TV show when I was a kid). And my thanks to Lady for some ideas on how to work this chapter. And YAY to mnomaha, who got my "Labryinth" reference. And a shout out to the movie "What Dreams May Come," for ideas I have about the Fade and how it works. And a small shout out to Lewis Carroll's "Alice in Wonderland." I will wait and see if you all see it. : )

And yeah, as Night Hunter MGS said, Kai should just build a Summer home there! I had to use that m friend! LOL! : )

Special thank you goes to Shinningkit, Jannifer, Bingham Vance, and SCJen for for putting this story on favs and alert, and me on fav author. I am so flattered. And a very special thank you to all my lurkers, and reviewers. I am so amazed and humbled. Especially with the weather change in the Northern Hemisphere, those who read and review even when you could be doing something else in the nice weather. You all just astound me. And your reviews help keep me going, so thank you for taking the time out of your busy days. I do keep it always in my mind that you have real lives. : )

And I type the Fade in italics, I hope it doesn't drive you batty.

SPECIAL NOTE! I wanted to let you all know that I have been searching around for more beta readers. Night Hunter MGS is my content beta. You can thank him for keeping E on her A game story wise. The man is a saint, considering he has a busy full life, a wonderful family he likes to hang out with, and that he does not have a working computer. I didn't ask him to check my grammar, my awkward sentences, my weird punctuation habits, nor just plain doofery. All of which can occur often because it's me we're talking about. I didn't want to drive the man insane, I actually like him, and I call him friend.

Instead, I get to drive two other wonderful people off the cliff and round the bend. Jannifer has graciously offered her extensive experience teaching English as a beta. Thank you Jan! And I have asked Ette Meyer to be my beta for the tightening of the basics as well. Poor sods. Jan reads but doesn't post her own, so just send out wonderful thoughts for her. But please, to reward Ette, for what is going to be one of the twelve labors of Hercules. Please read and review "Gift of the Magi" if you have the chance. Or on the forum under EtteStarz, and there you can see the wonderful illustrations that go with the story. Thank you all! : )

Also, let me apologize for all the mistakes I have made in the past. I hope they didn't take away from the story too much, or too often. And that also brings me to, what this means to you all. It means that chapters may be delayed longer than you are used to. I know, I try and get them out quickly and regularly. But, beta's have lives too. However, what it also means, is that E is upping her quality for you all. Because, geeze, I know what my awkward sentences are supposed to mean, what do you mean you don't? LOL! I hope you all won't mind. I hope just the opposite in fact. That you will only enjoy the story that much more. And it took me so long, because, E is a doofus. Yes, I know you all know this by now, but I had a damnation of a time figuring out the search doohickey for betas. I know, I know, that is the look my husband gives me all the time. *blush

And tonights music suggestion is "Penelope's Song" by Loreena McKinnett from her album "Ancient Muse." I think of it as Ali and Kai's song. And a good one to listen to when they are reunited in this chapter.

Blessings!

Kai found herself standing in a place like nothing she had ever seen before. It was monochromatic; everything was of a dark, dull, blue-gray color. It reminded Kai of the water left over from rinsing watercolor brushes- the water running blue and black. The air had a dank quality, like an old cellar, and it smelled like one. The moisture crawled along her skin and there was a low fog that clung to the ground, making it impossible to see what lay beneath her feet. The murky mist moved when she moved, yet it did not go any higher than her ankles.

She was standing in ruins that looked like a twisted hybrid of Highever and Ostagar; dreamlike dark blue-gray stones were surrounded by black gnarled trees with branches that seemed to be woven into the low hanging bluish black clouds that spotted the sky like bruises on a corpse. The architecture was slick and twisted. There was something strange about the sky, but she couldn't quite place it. Something other than the disturbing way the clouds were moving and curling in on themselves. Well, that and their sinister color, like bruises on a corpse. She found herself staring at the writhing firmament. And then it hit her. There was no Black City hovering in the sky. Kai found herself spinning in place looking for that which should be there but wasn't. This had to be the Dream side of the Fade, but it had no hulking menace hovering in the stratosphere. Not that the atmosphere was not ominous enough. She felt her pulse quicken, a fluttering of panic. She wasn't dead, nor was she in the Dream side of the Fade. But where was she if not the Fade?

"Ali! Alistair! ALI!" She tried calling to him, but her voice just echoed in the soggy air. She heard no returning cry. But something that scared her more: she couldn't feel his connection to her. His presence always there, linked to her like an invisible rope. It wasn't there.

"Maker!"

Kai started running through the ruins which kept changing; sometimes the architecture was more Highever, then Ostagar, and back again. The buildings even changed into dwarven architecture reminiscent of the thaigs in the Deep Roads.

"ALI!"

Again she called for him, her heart beating faster, her breath coming in gasps. And there was only the muffled thick silence that filled in the space with a sense of...nothingness. She felt a gaping hole in herself that had always been filled. The silence and nothingness expanded in her soul- the part of her soul that belonged to him, and was his, it had been his even before she had met him for the first time. He had always been with her. And now that he was not... she wouldn't, couldn't, stand the thought that it might be forever. The anguish of it was worse than when he had died on top of Fort Drakon.; an unbearable ache. The loneliness of it, had her running headlong through what looked like the gate to Ostagar. She had no idea where she was running to, only that she had to find him.

She was about to run out past the gate when she heard clapping behind her. She turned to see Loghain Mac Tir slowly bringing his hands together, while leaning his shoulder against the frame of the huge door with his ankles crossed. His silver Orlesian Commander's armor shone dimly in the muted light but he looked exactly the same as when they had first met. The same haunted look, the same dark circles under is eyes, the same arrogant scowl.

"And I thought I was the coward who ran away." Kai watched as he unfolded himself from the frame of the gate and walked back the way she had just come.

She wondered if Loghain was just another demented vision in this nightmare, but he seemed solid and more real than the landscape or ruins. Quickly she strode to catch up and found him standing on the bridge at Ostagar, or this realm's strange version of it, at least. Though the bridge hadn't been there a moment ago; the ground and the architecture didn't just fluctuate but could metamorphose. If she had that ability, she certainly wouldn't have Loghain here with her. Where ever 'here' was.

Kai was lost in her musings, she was startled when he gave a low, cynical chuckle. "So you still hate me that much do you Warden? Not nearly as much as I hate myself, of that you can be sure. And no, I am not the ravings of a fevered dream or your imagination, before you ask."

It was as if he had read her thoughts.

He turned to her with that cynical familiar smile and cocked eyebrow he had used at the Landsmeet.

"What, no recriminations? No pointed fingers? No demands, Warden, that I explain myself? How refreshing, considering what happened when last we met." He turned back, peering over the bridge to look down below.

Kai forced herself to stop staring at the man and look down to see what he saw. It was the battlefield. Darkspawn and the soldiers were all fighting that fateful battle at Ostagar, the battle that had started it all. It was all in slow motion, as if they were all fighting under water.

"What is this place?" Kai felt her hands gripping the stone railing of the bridge, its surface smooth and almost slimy, not rough like stone should be. She let go and stepped back from the balustrade .

"Nowhere," he grinned at her.

"Ha very ha. You are a right bastard Loghain." Kai grimaced at him.

"Very well, you might as well call it 'The Land of Regrets.' Or at least that's what I call it. I don't know if the Maker has a name for it. It is in between the Dream Fade, and the Fade of the Dead. It is part of both, and neither."

He swept his hand out encompassing the field and the mountains and the forest below them.

"So how can I be here? And more to the point, how can I be here with you of all people?" Kai asked gazing at his chiseled profile. "If I had my way, you and I would never have spoken again, let alone be stuck together in some sort of..."

"Perdition? Purgatory?" He turned his icy blue eyes on her and gave a barking laugh. "Yes, I suppose it would be punishment for you to be stuck with me for eternity wouldn't it? And for your edification, Warden, this isn't Hell. That is the Black City is in its corrupted form. It is a house of nightmares for souls which don't have enough of a conscience to regret the pain and suffering their actions caused. People like Howe get sent there."

"Well then why are you standing here, Loghain? Did the Maker miss?" Kai's voice dripped with sarcasm.

"I said it was for people who had no regrets, Warden." He stepped in, putting his face in hers. "I never claimed not to have done what I did. Nor did I ever deny that my actions had painful consequences. I said I did what was necessary. As I have always done- as I have always had to do."

His voice had become tired, almost sad. He stepped back and turned once again to the battlefield below.

"You are here with me, I suspect, because you and I share the regrets of this place. That is only a guess mind you." Kai noticed that he appeared to crumple within himself.

Kai crossed her arms and scowled. "It was not I who quit the field leaving his King and best friend's son to die. I didn't quit the field and leave thousands of my own countrymen to be slaughtered by monsters, either. I got the damn tower beacon lit! What regret could I possibly share with you about this place?"

He gave another low cynical laugh and spoke to the battlefield rather than her. "Oh, I don't know. That you let your King die? That you let your mentor and your fellow Grey Wardens and thousands of your fellow countrymen get slaughtered by monsters? You may have lit the beacon, Warden, but I suspect you always felt you lit it too late." Loghain did turn to her this time with a smug look on his face.

"The fact that I lit it late, Loghain," she hissed his name, "might have to do with the shite eating darkspawn that had tunneled up through those lower chambers your men were supposed to have taken care of! It might have been lit late as every floor of the tower had more of the blighters than the last! And it might have had to do with a bloody, nug-humping, ogre at the top with the beacon!" Kai's voice was all but yelling now. "I don't even know how the smelly bastard got up there. What, did they have a sodding potion to make it small enough to fit through the door? A bit of cake with magic? First time I had to fight one of those blasted things, and I almost got my arse handed to me because I was distracted trying to figure how the buggering bastard got through the bloody door!"

And then he did something she had not expected. Loghain started to laugh, a real laugh, not the short bark of air from before. And she couldn't help it, she found herself joining in. She wiped her eyes streaming with tears. "Oh Maker, you should have seen all our faces when that beast turned around. And its breath! I thought the poor sod of a mage who had traveled with us would wet himself. I thought I would wet myself come to that." Kai stopped laughing. The poor mage had died on top of that tower when the darkspawn had overrun it. She had thought she, Ali, and Argus were all dead then as well. And they would have been, if not for Morrigan's mother Flemeth.

"So many dead, a trail of bodies that lies behind us both. I was born into a Ferelden occupied by the Orlesians, you know. I watched it eat away at the country, at my father. The taxes that kept getting higher and higher every year until the year my father finally couldn't pay." Loghain's face had become haunted once again. "As punishment, they held my mother down and raped her. They made us watch. When my father tried to fight, to stop them, they hit him in the head and knocked him out. But I watched. I watched every second of every minute of it. Have you ever had a moment in your life, Warden, that seems to take hours? Days? Weeks? Years?" He looked back to the battlefield. "They slit her throat when they were done. They told us that it was in lieu of the taxes we owed. My father went after the men that same night. He slit the Captain's throat. I lost my mother, and my home in the blink of the Maker's eye. We became outlaws, as you are now, Warden. Ironic isn't it?"

He smirked and looked once again to the distant battle. "I met Maric a year or two after that. A gangly, naïve idiot. Then, my father died so Maric could get away. I hated Maric for that. The last of what I had, the last connection to who I was was, taken away from me. But my father made me swear to save him, that stripling of a boy who didn't even want to be king." Loghain looked at her and laughed. "You know it just occurred to me, Warden, that his bastard-" Kai made a low sound in her throat as her fists clenched and her eyes narrowed. "I beg your pardon, Warden, his son Alistair is more like Maric than Calian was, and not just in his ability to fight."

"If you hated Maric so much, how did you ever become so close?" Kai found herself fascinated despite herself.

"Maric was not the greatest leader, but he had one thing that few do. He had the ability to make people love him. And it wasn't just that he was the son of the Rebel Queen. I abhorred him, and yet I too came to love him as much as I had once despised him. You remind me of him you know." He quirked an eyebrow at her.

"I remind you of Maric?" Kai snorted. "I met him once, outside of the Fade. He seemed so sad, even when he smiled and made jokes. It was there, behind his eyes. It was still there when I met him again after we ended the Blight, and I was in the Fade." Loghain cocked an eyebrow at this. "I was dead, well mostly dead. It's a long story, involving your daughter and a hired assassin."

Loghain looked at her steadily, "Yes, I know about Anora. Her actions are some of the regrets that get played before me here." Kai would have asked him to elaborate, but he did not pursue it further. Instead, he continued on as he looked back out to the small figures below them. "And you, Warden, will wind up the same kind of tortured individual as Maric, if you keep insisting on taking the responsibility for the consequences of the actions of others on yourself. That is the other trait that you and Maric share." He turned his intense gaze on her once again, and Kai felt herself flushing. "He blamed himself for the deaths of all those at West Hill. He blamed himself even as he ran a sword through his beloved, the traitor who really made it happen. He didn't blame Meghren, or Orlais for their deaths either. Himself, it was always himself that he blamed. He said the men died because of him."

"While you always blamed Orlais? Or blamed Cailan for being a fool? Or the Grey Wardens? I am not you Loghain."

"And for that you should be bloody grateful, Warden." He growled at her putting his face in hers once again. "My hatred of everything Orlais stemmed partly from their actions but also from my own guilt. I know that now." He turned to the battlefield yet again.

"Oh, so many things that I have done and not done, Warden. Shall I give you a list? Some of them you know of course, you were present for them. Shall I tally the ones you weren't aware of?" Again he flashed her a smile that looked pained.

He ticked off on his fingers. "I couldn't stop them hurting or killing my mother. That was the start of it all." He gave a sad chuckle. "And after that it seemed to just pile one on the other. I was the one who found Maric while I was poaching. It was because I brought him to our camp that my father died when the supporters of Meghren came looking to kill the would-be king. I fell in love with Rowan, who was betrothed to my then best friend. She was the only woman I ever loved. I convinced myself that it was okay to do so as Maric loved another and Rowan loved me. But I am the one who told Maric about his beloved...about Katriel's, betrayal. He killed his love because of me, and it broke him. And then I shoved Rowan back at him to fix him and save Ferelden. I married a woman I did not love and who deserved better. And I had a daughter I did not spend time with because she was not Rowan's. A daughter who, despite my absence is more like her father than I would have thought possible, if her actions at the Landsmeet were any indication. Doing whatever it takes. That is my Anora." He grimaced painfully.

"All of my guilt and anger with myself, which I could not bear, I then put on Orlais and Cailan and the Grey Wardens. On you too. It colored everything I did and became a trap from which I could not escape. So, I spend my eternity in this farce of the battle of Ostagar wondering if a part of me let Cailan die because he should have been mine and he wasn't. And wondering if I didn't spend time with my daughter because she was another woman's, and not Rowan's. Was it all because a part of me hated Maric for being with Rowan, even when it was I that made her go to him?" He gave her a smile that was a mix of bitterness, and sorrow. "You see perhaps, why I am here, Warden, in this nowhere place? It is a fitting, is it not? A nowhere place for a hollow man." Kai was interrupted from any response she would have made by a lyrical voice behind her.

"The question for you, Kaidana Cousland, is will you be able to keep yourself from this same trap, made of your regrets and guilt, that you are surely building for yourself? Or will you end up here, as Loghain?" Kai turned to see a familiar hooded female figure. And in less time than it would take for Kai to snap her fingers together, she felt the missing piece of her soul return. The feeling of him trembled into that void within her before she even saw his beloved face as he walked out from behind Andraste. It almost caused her to fall to her knees weeping with relief.

Instead Kai propelled herself forward and leapt into his arms which, had opened for her, their lips meeting. His hands fisted in her hair, as hers gripped his shoulders. She tasted salt tears. So, she was weeping after all. It was when she or he had pulled back so they could look at one another, that she realized his own tears were making tracks down his cheeks. One of his hands brushed the hair back from her face, while the other cupped her upper back. Hers were fused to his waist. Her blue eyes met his gray ones, and she felt a foolish grin on her face that mirrored his own.

"I would suggest you two get a room, but the accommodations here leave a bit to be desired." Loghain waved his hand at the landscape, a sardonic smile playing on his lips. Alistair looked over Kai's head at Loghain, wrinkling his nose slightly while grinning.

"Ah, one of my favorite people in all the world, living or dead. You look different, taller. Oh, you have your head back." Alistair's voice held genuine amusement, and his statement received a deep chuckle in response.

"I am so pleased to see you as well, Alistair Theirin." Loghain grinned and gave him a slight bow. "And I don't think I have had the pleasure of meeting our other visitor." Loghain had turned to Andraste who threw back her hood and, with a smile, shook out her honey colored hair.

"Loghain, meet Andraste, or as Alistair and I like to call her, boogity boo lady." Kai turned toward Andraste. "How did I end up here if I wasn't dead?"

"Just dead tired?" Alistair quipped, and Kai frowned at him. He held up his hands. "Sorry, beloved. You know I get this way when I'm under stress."

"Or when you are hungry, or when you are-" He put a finger to her lips stopping her.

"Point taken." She grinned at him.

Kai turned back to the figure. "Well?"

Andraste grinned at her. "You, Kaidana Cousland, and you, Loghain McTir, had unfinished business. I felt it was time you met again, so I brought you here." Kai flashed a look at Loghain. "You both have more in common than you both thought, no? And I thought perhaps you both could learn from one another."

"She's right." Kai turned to look at Loghain. "You and I both do what we feel we have to, no matter how unpleasant or what the cost is to ourselves, don't we, Loghain Mac Tir, hero of River Dane?" Kai's lips twisted into a wry smile which Loghain returned

"And you are like Maric, don't forget that, Warden. You won't let your guilt turn into a hatred that blinds you to all else as I did.. But see that you don't let your guilt break you down, like it did Maric. And now that your two escorts are here, I suppose it is time for you to go. I will not lie Warden-"

"Kai, Loghain, my name is Kai. To my friends."

"Are we friends now then?" Loghain's icy blue gaze held what looked like hope? Kai nodded and smiled. "I will not lie then, my lady," he held up a hand when she started to interrupt by repeating her name again, "I have enjoyed your company. You are going to have to kill Anora, you know that, don't you?"

Kai swallowed before nodding. "Yes, I know." He nodded at her again.

"It cannot be helped, remember that. I am her father, and I don't want to think of it. But the responsibility for what she has become lies with me." Loghain gave her that cynical, sad smile again.

"And with me, I suppose." Kai turned to look at Alistair. "Oh, come on. She might not have gone round the bend if I hadn't chopped his sodding head off in front of her. Probably not the best thing we did, even if he did deserve it. At the time" Alistair directed this last statement directly to Loghain with a cheeky grin.

"So you have changed your mind about me too, boy? You have forgiven me as well?" Alistair nodded. "Well, isn't this just a day for surprises? If it is day, so hard to tell here." Loghain gave a low laugh. "You are your father's son; I should have seen it sooner. Maric could always forgive others. The only person Maric could never forgive was himself. Forgive yourself young lady; you have many more miles to travel and so much more left to do yet."

Kai took one last look around 'The Land of Regrets,' as Loghain had called it. She couldn't leave. Even after all he had done, she understood Loghain now as she had never done when he was alive. And she understood herself better as well. "I won't go. If Loghain stays, I stay."

Andraste shook her head. "I am afraid you need to go back. As Loghain said, you have miles to go before your rest."

"Ward... Kai, I appreciate this more than I can tell you. But you do not want to stay here, believe me. And Ferelden needs you More now than it did when I was running things during the Blight.." Loghain had moved closer and gently grasped her arm.

"I am sorry, but it is cruel to leave him here. Look at this place! He did many things, but he doesn't deserve to stay here any longer." Kai turned back to Andraste. "He doesn't deserve this! He stays, I stay. Or did I not speak plainly enough?" Kai's hand sliced the air for emphasis.

"She stays, I stay as well." Alistair's hands gripped her shoulders still giving his lopsided grin.

"You are both out of your minds." Loghain addressed Alistair. "If you love her as it appears you do, you will take her out of here and never come back."

"Hm, my father said you could be as stubborn as a Ceffyl." Alistair grinned at Loghain. "For the record, so is she." And he jerked his thumb at Kai.

"I prefer 'implacable'," Kai grinned.

"Your father... talks about me?" Loghain stared off into the distance looking through the landscape.

"Uh huh, Cailan, Duncan, and Rowan do too." Alistair reached out and grasped Loghain's shoulder. "Even an elven woman, Katriel?" Alistair chuckled at Loghain's incredulous expression. "They want you to come home."

"Why in the world...how...?" Loghain seemed at a loss for words.

Kai turned to Andraste. "I don't understand, I thought he was here because he was being punished by the Maker."

"No my daughter, not by the Maker. He is being punished by himself. The Maker only punishes the worst, and as he told you they go to the corrupted Black City for that. No, people here, they put themselves here. And they hold the key to leave at anytime." Andraste walked up and gently stroked Loghain's cheek. "You have only to release yourself, Loghain Mac Tir." And she gestured behind her where a door had opened in one of the buildings and figures lit from behind by the welcoming light of the Fade could be seen. Kai couldn't see their faces, but they were all gesturing to Loghain.

Loghain turned to Andraste, and the look on his face made Kai's heart squeeze painfully in her chest. It was a look of longing, sadness, disbelief, and hope. Andraste smiled and nodded holding out a hand to the doorway.

"Go to them Loghain." Kai reached out to grab his arm, and instead of metal of his armor, she felt rough leather. And the arm was muscled and hard, and she looked at at a boy of eighteen, his face more rounded and less chiseled. The same intense blue eyes looked into hers, but they were not ringed by dark circles. Nor were they hard and and icy. "Go to them." Kai nodded as she felt her throat constrict and tears well in her own eyes. He nodded at her, gave her a cocky grin and grasped her arm in warrior's grasp. He threw a grin at Alistair over her head and loped off in a careless stride only teenaged boys seemed capable of. The figures at the door all gathered around him, and he started to go with them. He turned back at the door, waved once again and then he was gone.

"And now we need to get you back, my daughter. The others will be worried." Andraste walked towards yet another doorway and Kai found herself following.

"So, you needed me to do your heavy lifting once again? What am I your go-to-girl for every task no matter how big or small, here and in the Fade?" Kai could hear Alistair stifling a laugh. "Really, I can't keep coming back here, except in dreams. I am going to have to build a Summer home here!" Alstair did laugh this time.

Andraste stopped at a doorway that was pitch black rather than filled with light. She pointed inside the door. "Remember what you learned here, daughter. It will serve you well in the future. You will need it, I'm afraid." She smiled and kissed Kai on the cheek.

Kai turned to Ali, she hated this part, leaving him. She put her lips to his and sighed. When they broke apart, he gave his trademark lopsided grin and ran his fingers down the side of her face. "See you in your dreams, mi' gra." She nodded and tried to smile around the lump in her throat as she walked backwards into the darkened doorway.

She was about to be engulfed in the darkness and a thought struck her. "Hey, what did you mean the others will be worried?" She saw Andraste shake her head and smile while Alistair blushed and looked down. "Sod it! Not again! Aw-"

"BRASKA!" Kai found herself yelling into a room filled once again with the concerned faces of her friends. She had a moment to register that they were all there. She saw Morrigan's lips in a hard line along with the stoney expression, before she was crushed into Zev's arms this time.