Chapter 2

October 19, 2007

Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all.

- Helen Keller

JJ gave Emily a quick hug and said, "Happy Birthday, Emily. See you guys later!"

"Happy Birthday, Prentiss. Remember, we're not meeting at the office until 10:00 tomorrow," said Hotch. "Goodnight, Morgan."

They left and Emily and Derek settled into their chairs in the quietest corner of the bar. After a few drinks over the course of the evening, Emily was feeling relaxed. The late start the next day was a reprieve. She didn't feel compelled to leave, and neither did Morgan. "Another round, birthday girl?" he asked.

"Sure."

"Ok. Be right back."

Emily watched Derek while he walked to the bar, giving herself a moment to take in the view while his back was turned to her. Lately things had started feeling different between them. They were getting closer. They'd worked well together from the beginning, and became friends soon after, but in the past couple of months they'd been spending more time together, hanging out, having lunch, talking about books. He was spending less time going out on Friday nights for his hook ups and spending more time at her place, eating take out and watching movies.

Emily was attracted to him, and she knew the feeling was mutual. But fraternization in the FBI was very frowned upon, and when it came to people who worked in the same unit, it was cause for more than just a written reprimand. She knew some people got away with it, but those people didn't work in the BAU and didn't have a woman like Strauss watching their every move. And for Emily it was a bit more. Propriety and properness were drilled into her every day growing up; and with her name she felt like she was under more scrutiny than the rest of the team.

Still, she sometimes let herself indulge in the fantasy of it all, but that was the extent of it. And in her heart she knew it had less to do with the job and FBI rules and more to do with herself and her inability to let her walls down. Her upbringing may have drilled professionalism into her, but her time with Doyle had ruined her for intimacy. What she did with that man was in direct contrast to the values her mother forced upon her with a heavy hand. It was ironic, really. Remaining professional for the sake of her job had forced her to sleep with a man that disgusted her, whose treatment of her bordered on abuse some of the time. She felt shameful every time she thought about it, and she hadn't been able to make it fully through a single date without panic setting in since then. But no one in the BAU knew a thing about that life, and she planned to keep it that way.

She had to admit that there was no panic at the thought of hanging out with Derek. At first she fooled herself into thinking that it was because it wasn't a date, so there were no expectations. She knew, though, that that wasn't the whole truth. Their last case, when Derek had stood there hugging that poor boy as he looked at the photos of a false-happy foster family, she realized what a deeply warm man he was. She trusted this beautiful man with her life, but she was pretty certain that she'd permanently lost the ability to trust any person with heart.

Derek returned with their drinks, sat down next to her and smiled. She took a sip and said, "Thanks, my friend."

"So, princess. Any last birthday wishes I can fulfill?"

Emily looked at him, startled. Lately his innuendo had taken a twist. They weren't light-hearted jokes about feeling his abs any longer. His tone had become more serious and there was a smoldering look in his eye when he made suggestions these days; he was seeking permission for something Emily didn't think she could give.

She felt her face flush. "Derek," she whispered, looking down.

He reached out and cupped his hand on the side of her face. "Hey, Em, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't do or say things like that, but I can't help myself sometimes. Lately, I want more. I know all the reasons we shouldn't, but I can't seem to find it in me to care that much about the rules."

Emily dragged her eyes back up to him and bit her lip nervously, took a gulp of her drink. She acknowledged she needed to explain and make him understand why she emotionally ran away like a scared kitten any time he said things like this, and it seemed like there was no better time than the present. She was coherent, but the alcohol had given her a bit of liquid courage.

"I'm less worried about the rules and more worried about our friendship. Crossing a line could wreck it."

"It would change things, but I don't think it would wreck it. You and I can read each other pretty well. And we're generally good at being honest with each other, too. I think if we committed to always being truthful with each other about how we were feeling, our friendship would be ok."

She pondered that for a moment. "Possibly. But you're assuming that who I am as a friend and coworker is the same person I am in a relationship. The reality is I suck at relationships. I'm no good at them."

"I find that hard to believe."

Emily shook her head. "No, really. We've kind of been dancing around this for awhile and I just want to be honest with you. I can fake it well on the surface, but intimacy is difficult for me. I can't let my walls down, or give up control. The reasons why are long and not really something I want to talk about. So when you look at me like that and throw out innuendo, I don't know what to do. I wish I was the kind of woman who could look at you and tell you exactly what kind of birthday wishes you could fulfill, but that's just not me. I fear I'd be a huge disappointment to you in that regard."

"Em, I know you think I'm some sort of player. I portray that version of myself to the outside world. And I enjoy dating, but with everything that happened to me growing up, intimacy isn't always easy for me, either. You could never disappointment me."

It was Derek's turn to look down, slightly embarrassed. Emily leaned forward and touched his hand. Sometimes she forgot about what happened to Morgan as a teenager. She leaned her head down slightly to catch his eyes again and he looked up at her.

She smiled sadly at him. "We're both kind of a hot mess, huh?"

"Just a little bit," he said, smiling back.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, sipping their drinks, looking at each other and lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Emily whispered, "I could try." Derek looked at her, slightly stunned and a little hopeful. Emily continued, "For more, I mean. I can't promise anything except I'll be honest with you, and that may mean honestly telling you I can't do this. But we could try," she repeated again softly.

Derek leaned forward, surprising her, and brushed his lips against hers. It was a ghost of a touch but it set Emily's heart racing. She kept waiting for the panic to come, but it wasn't there, she realized happily. With Derek, it wasn't there.

Derek didn't press for more; instead he leaned back with a satisfied smile on his face. He glanced to his left a bit and looked back at her. "Hey, can you dance?"

She smiled at him. "Can and do are two different things. I can dance. I don't dance. But I guess I could make an exception tonight."

Emily knocked back the rest of her drink and was feeling a little buzzed, which was good. The reality was that she could dance quite well, but dancing seemed to be in the same category as dating and sex when it came to her walls. She hadn't danced in public since college. She was going to give it a shot, though.

Derek stood and held out his hand, which she took, and he led her to the dance floor. With every moment that the panic didn't come, she felt more and more emboldened. She smiled slyly at him.

"What are you smiling about?"

"You'll see." Emily took a deep breath, reminded herself that she trusted this man, and began to move. And Derek saw. He was pretty sure every person in the bar saw within moments. Emily Prentiss could seriously dance.

"Jesus," he exclaimed. She smiled wider, true mirth on her face, and danced closer to him.

"You ok there, buddy?" He nodded.

"Breathe, Morgan. I've seen you dance. You can keep up." Derek laughed at that and put a hand on her waist, leaving enough space for them to both dance, but making sure every other man in that place knew not to get near her.

Emily found that what her last therapist had told her was true. Sometimes life is just about taking a leap. As soon as she let her guard down a bit, she felt freer than she'd felt in more than a decade. Dancing with Morgan was erotic, and it didn't scare her.

Derek had to keep reminding himself that this was not a dream; this was absolutely real life. It was absolutely real life that Emily had slung an arm around the back of his neck and was moving her hips in a way that made most of the blood in Derek's body rush south. It was real life that he was having a difficult time dancing while watching a bead of sweat make a slow path from her neck down between her breasts. It was absolutely real life when he took a risk and worked the hand on her waist under the edge of her top so that he touched the skin of her torso for the first time.

That move made Em gasp and her eyes lock with his. At first Derek was afraid she was going to move away. But she smiled again. And that was also absolute real life. Emily Prentiss had probably smiled at him more in the past ten minutes than she ever did in a week.

Emily had forgotten the power one could derive from acknowledging and sharing a mutual attraction. For the moment, she found herself forgetting rules, forgetting her past. Her only focus was on him and how positively good he made her feel.

Derek turned her around so he was dancing with the front of his body inches away from her back. He placed one hand on her hip and his other reached under the front of her blouse, his fingers resting lightly on the soft skin of her stomach. He heard Emily give a small whimper. Encouraged he stepped forward, pushing firmly against her body. She had to feel him, hard against her backside. She stiffened for a brief moment and then relaxed against him. After a few more beats of the music, she flung her arm up, placing her hand on the back of his neck. Derek bent his head and dropped a soft kiss to her neck. Emily closed her eyes and smiled. She was experiencing something she thought she'd lost forever: The ability to be close to someone.

Derek whispered in her ear, "You are so beautiful." At that, Emily spun around to face him. "Ok," she said. He raised his eyebrows at her, questioning what she meant. "I trust you," she had to shout over the music. As soon as the words left her mouth, her walls crumbled. It was that easy. She repeated the words again thrilling at the truth of them falling from her lips, "I trust you and I trust us."

Derek smiled at her. "You want to get out if here?"

Emily nodded and followed him out of the bar, fingers linked.

She stole a glance at Derek and quietly asked, "My place? It's closest."

Derek nodded and they moved to the curb to wait for a cab. He leaned down and whispered sheepishly, "In an effort to show you my commitment to 100% honesty, while hoping not to be presumptuous, I have to tell you that I don't have a condom. Do we need to stop on the way?"

Emily just stared at him. This really was going to happen. Maybe. If she didn't freak out first. Derek looked nervous, which was a look that she'd never seen on his face before and it was endearing. She reached her hand out to touch his cheek. "It's not necessary, unless you want to. We just had our yearly FBI physicals and I have an IUD. Getting a period is not actually conducive to field work."

Derek cleared his throat and nodded at her. A cab pulled up and he opened the door for Emily, then slid in next to her, linking their fingers again. Emily gave the driver her address. This all was becoming very real and she found herself shaking a little. Oh, there you are, Panic, my old friend, Emily thought. Butterflies were knocking around in her stomach and Derek kept stealing glances at her. When she looked at his face, the only phrase that came to mind was "Undressing me with his eyes." She tried to control her ragged breathing.

Derek tossed a ten at the cab driver when they pulled up in front of Emily's building and they both got out quickly. In the elevator, Derek slipped behind her and put his arms around her waist, planting a gentle kiss on her head, then smiled when she visibly shivered. Emily dared not utter a word, afraid that whatever came out of her mouth would put a stop to this.

By the time they reached her door, her hands were shaking so badly that she struggled with her key. Derek reached from behind her and helped unlock the door. They stepped inside and Emily dealt with the alarm system while Derek bolted the door behind them. Then he was standing in front of her, her back pressed against her entryway wall.

Derek took note that Emily actually looked frightened. What the hell had gone on in her life? This woman could take down a sociopath without batting an eye, but looked like she was going to fall apart at just the idea of this. He reached up and gently placed a hand on her cheek. "We still ok here?"

Emily could only nod. He stepped closer and wrapped his other arm around her waist. He planted feather light kisses on her forehead, her cheek, her ear, her neck. He slowly migrated up to her lips and whispered, "I'd never hurt you, Emily."

Her eyes stung with tears; she knew the truth of his words without a doubt. Derek Morgan could never hurt her. She took a deep breath and took control of her fear. "I know," she whispered back, then closed the distance and touched her lips to his.

The kiss went from gentle and hesitant to passionate to a fevered frenzy in seconds. The first time their tongues touched, Emily was in danger of actually falling down. Everywhere Derek's hands touched burned in a delicious way. She had never felt like this before, had never even thought feeling like this was possible for her. In that moment, she made a promise to herself: Whatever might happen tomorrow, tonight she was not going to stop this.