Chapter 6

Be my friend, hold me

Wrap me up, unfold me

I am small and needy

Warm me up and breathe me.

- Sia

October 1, 2011

It had been a fun cooking lesson and a great evening, but Emily sat with the team around Rossi's dining room table with mixed emotions. She was overjoyed to be back with her family, but uncomfortable at the same time. Garcia and Rossi were taking her rising from the dead the best, almost like nothing had ever happened. Reid was there and he was trying and she knew it would take time, but their friendship would ultimately be ok. And then there was Morgan. She felt his eyes on her more than usual, and when she looked at him he didn't back down, just stared until Emily looked away.

On the surface he was playing this light, saying he was just happy she was back. But she knew him, and she knew that underneath his outward emotions, he was trembling with anger and sadness directed towards her. She desperately wanted to fix this now, but knew it was beyond her control.

Garcia asked, "So, Em, when do you get to move into your new apartment?"

"Next weekend. Though I'm having so much fun with Henry it's going to be hard to leave JJ's" she smiled warmly at her friend. One positive that had come from the whole Doyle thing was how close she and JJ had become. It was like the sister Emily always longed for.

Morgan stood up abruptly and said, "This has been great, but I need to get going. Early morning tomorrow working at the brownstone in Georgetown. Thanks, Rossi. See you guys on Monday."

The team raised their eyebrows at Morgan's haste and JJ gave Emily a sympathetic look. Emily stood up. "Excuse me, I'll be right back."

She raced out the front door and called to Morgan's retreating form, "Derek! Derek, wait up a minute." He stopped and turned and Emily came to stand in front of him. She opened her mouth and struggled for words, finally settling on, "We promised each other, remember? Be honest with each other always and we'd be ok."

"I remember. Seven months ago, you were the one who forgot. And I know why you did it and I can rationalize it, but then sometimes I just get so hurt that you kept this from me and ran right into danger with Doyle. I would have helped you. I could have protected you," he said softly.

"He would have killed you in a second without hesitation. I couldn't...Derek, please. If the situation were reversed, you would have done the same thing. Why did me mentioning staying at JJ's upset you so much?"

Derek clenched his jaw and Emily saw him blinking back tears. "Because she knew you were alive and I didn't and part of me wants you at my house where I can make sure you're safe and ok, and part of me can barely look at you because..." He paused and looked away from her, inhaled deeply and looked back. "I can't do this right now. I'm glad you're here and alive, but I just have to get things sorted in my head."

"Ok," she said softly. She reached out and placed her hand on his chest. "But, please, when you're sorting this out, please remember I did what I thought I had to in order to protect you." She took a deep breath and continued, "Remember I love you." She reached up cupped his cheek lightly. Derek nodded against her hand, then turned to get in his car. Emily watched him pull out and slowly turned to walk back to the house.

Hotch was standing in the doorway when she returned to the house. She didn't know how much of that exchange he saw. He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and said, "It's going to take some time." She nodded.

Shortly after, her and JJ headed home.

"You want to talk about it?"

"Not really. Not right now. But thank you."

They drove home in silence and found Will on the couch watching TV when they walked in the door. "Hey ladies. I was just about to start a movie."

"You guys go ahead. I think I'm just going to go to bed and read awhile. Goodnight." Emily walked down the hall to the guest room off the kitchen, sat down on the edge of the bed and started crying.

XXXXXX

Will and JJ were lightly dozing in front of the movie when JJ heard a soft knock at her front door. Will stirred at the noise, "What time is it?"

"11:30. What the hell?"

She got up and went to the door, looking through the peephole. Morgan. Sympathy filled her as she opened the door. "Morgan," she said softly, "It's late. Are you ok?"

"I'm sorry. I just really need to talk to Emily. I was going to call, but I can't do this over the phone. I've been driving around and I just...where is she?"

"I'm not sure this is such a good idea right now. I think she might even be asleep."

He shook his head at her. "JJ, where?"

JJ could feel the tension and sadness rolling off his body in waves. She sighed and pointed, "The door off the kitchen. But, Derek, she's been through a lot. Just, please, remember that."

He scuffed out, "Haven't we all?" and headed in the direction JJ pointed. Will came to stand by JJ at the door. "Everything ok?"

"I don't think so. This is hard on him, he's just been doing the best at faking it." She leaned into Will for comfort. "Why don't you head on up to bed," she said, "and I'll lock up down here."

"And eavesdrop?"

"No. I just want to make sure she has someone when he leaves. I don't know where he's at in his head."

"OK, but come to bed soon," he said, dropping a kiss on her lips.

"Soon, I promise."

XXXXXXX

Derek didn't even bother to knock. He'd spent the last two hours driving around working himself into a frenzied state, just letting the anger bubble to the surface. He opened the door to find Emily standing there in a tank top and pajama shorts, pulling back the covers to her bed. She spun upon hearing the door open and he was greeted with her puffy eyes and surprised look. "Jesus, Derek! What are you doing here right now? Are you ok?"

Derek closed the door and gritted through his teeth in a rather loud voice, "You fucked him for a profile. All that talk about how you couldn't get close or let yourself go or lose control. Was it because of what happened with him?"

Emily stepped towards Derek and nodded, feeling the tears welling up in her eyes again. "Yes. I had a job to do, and I hated myself a little more each day I was doing it. He terrified me and made me feel physically ill and I spent years after feeling like I would never be clean. And then that night happened with you and," she paused and took a shaky breath, "and I felt like maybe I could have something more in my life. That I could leave Lauren behind finally and just be Emily."

Derek clenched his jaw, ignoring her tears. "We've gone back and forth about ending things several times in the past five years and it always came down to feeling terrible lying to the people we cared about. All that talk about lying, and you were holding back the biggest lie of all."

Emily lowered her head, not able to look him in the eyes. "Everything we talked about was true. But it was because of Doyle, too. With you, after awhile I felt like I couldn't grasp onto anything anymore. I didn't find myself able to tell you about Doyle, and I couldn't be with you without you knowing any more. I was spiraling out of control. When I found out Doyle escaped, I had to end things in way that felt permanent. I knew I was probably as good as dead, and I didn't want you to be, too."

With that, she sobbed and looked up at Derek. She stepped towards him again and reached out her hand. "No!" He said. He reached towards her shoulders and pushed her up against the wall. Not roughly, but not gently either. He put one hand against the wall on the side of her head, and the other went to the top of her tank. "The medical report said he branded you on your chest. Where?" He dragged his fingers under the neckline, pulled down and searching.

"I had it removed. When I was in Paris, I found the best plastic surgeon and got rid of it. I couldn't have that on me anymore."

"Where?"

Emily pulled down her tank top slightly and pointed. "Here. See how the skin color is different? It was here."

To her surprise, Derek leaned forward and gently dropped his lips to that spot, causing Emily to gasp. Derek sank to his knees and lifted the bottom of her tank top. He took a deep breath when he revealed the scar from where Doyle stabbed her with the stake, pressed his lips on the spot and whispered, "I thought I watched you bleed to death."

Gingerly she reached a hand down and ran it across the top of his head. "I know. If it had been you, I would have fallen apart."

"I did. I still feel like I'm falling apart."

After a few moments, Derek rose suddenly, his eyes burning into hers. "Where else? Where else did he hurt you?"

"Just bruises and cuts. A couple of broken ribs, but no other scars."

Derek sighed and leaned his forehead against hers, placing his hands lightly on her ribs. She reached her hands out to touch his chest.

"Any other secrets like this out there that I should know about?"

"No."

"Do you still feel like you can be Emily with me?"

Emily was silent for several beats, sucking in shuddering breaths.

"Derek, I don't even know who that is anymore."

"But I do."

He kissed a path down from her forehead to her cheek, to her lips. Emily allowed herself to indulge in the kiss for a moment, and didn't resist when he deepened it. But after a minute, she pulled her head back and pushed against him.

"We can't. Derek, you have no idea how badly I want to, but we can't. Regardless of Doyle, we couldn't stand living a lie with the people we cared most about. I have no energy for lies left in me."

Derek sighed. "I need to feel you alive around me. I need to know that with me you can still let down your walls." He moved his hands and ran them through her hair. "I need to know you're mine, even if you can't really be."

Blinking back tears Emily nodded. She couldn't deny this man, not now. He descended on her mouth and moved his hands to the waistband of her shorts, moaning at the feel of her skin. This was a gift, something neither thought they'd feel again. "We have to be quiet," she whispered.

Derek nodded against the side of her neck, moved his hands down to cup her ass, and lifted. He carried Emily to the bed and laid her down gently. Leaning over her, he ran his finger over her lips and down her neck. "You're alive," he whispered reverently.

XXXXXXXX

He held her gently against his chest, drawing lazy circles with his hands on her back.

"So, it's nice to know that despite all of these ups and downs and changes, the sex is still amazing."

Emily laughed against his skin. "The best. But Derek..."

He placed a finger on her lips, "I know, Em."

Emily raised herself up on an elbow so she could look him in the eyes. She placed a hand gently on his cheek.

"I'm not sure you do know and I want you to understand. Being with Doyle left me feeling like a ghost of myself. When that assignment was over, I could hardly look at myself in the mirror and I spent two years floundering. I couldn't stand anyone to touch me and I wouldn't let anyone get close to me.

Then I started at the BAU and almost from the start, you were the person that made me think that maybe I could have a friend again. We grew as a team and I realized after a few months that I was actually happy. But in the back of my head I was still fearful. Fearful that someone would find out about Doyle, but mostly fearful that he would find out that Lauren Reynolds was in fact very much alive, and that he'd find me, torture me and kill me. So I was Emily, but because Doyle was still alive, there was a part of me that was Lauren, the woman I loathed. And she was always there in the back of my head.

That first time with you…Derek I didn't even know I was capable of feeling like that. And we could go months together and I'd forget about Lauren Reynolds, but then one of us would bring up feeling badly about lying and every time you said 'lie,' all I could think about was how I was holding back from you something critical, and Lauren would come to the surface in my head. So we'd end things for a bit, and I'd run away emotionally and try and put myself back together, and when I felt like I had done that, I could come back to you.

Now I'm here, and Doyle is dead, and I'm really in a place to let the Lauren Reynolds part of me go and be free of that. But it's going to take time for me to get my footing, and I need to figure out how to do that on my own."

Emily paused and reached for Derek's hand, placing a gentle kiss on his knuckles. "And then, maybe, if you get to a place where you can truly forgive me and I reach a place where I've figured out who I am now, maybe we can be together and that time it will be forever."

Derek brought a hand to her face and touched Emily's lips, then leaned in to gently kiss her. "Ok, I didn't understand, but I think I do now. And you're right, I do have to forgive you before we can have anything genuine, and it's going to take time. Maybe we can try and dial it back to the beginning and rebuild our friendship first?"

She smiled at him. "It's a good place to start."

He wrapped her in a warm hug. She felt him solidly around her and a huge amount of pressure lifted from her chest. She may not know exactly who she was anymore, but knew it would be much easier to figure it out with his support.

He pulled away from her and started reaching for his clothes. "I should let you get some sleep."

"And you, too, Derek. You sleep too. I'm here and I can promise you this: I'll never leave again without talking to you first."

He placed his hands on either side of her face. "I believe you, Em."

"Let me throw on my pajamas and walk you out so I can lock up."

XXXXXXXX

At the door, Derek turned and pulled her in for another quick hug.

Emily said, "Text me tomorrow if you want some help in Georgetown. It's been too long since I got to knock down walls with the great Derek Morgan."

Derek chuckled warmly, planted a kiss on her forehead, released her and walked away. Emily closed the door with a sigh and locked it, turning around to find JJ sitting on the stairs with wide eyes.

"Are you ok, Emily?"

"Yes, actually. The most ok I've been since I got back. How much of that did you hear?"

"Enough to think that maybe I'm not that great of a profiler, or you two are just really good at hiding your feelings. And I also learned that the door to our guestroom is for shit."

Emily laughed and went to sit next to her friend on the steps.

"We were really good at hiding it, and it was exhausting."

"When?"

"We've stopped and started throughout the years. The first time was about a year after I started at the BAU. The last time we ended it was when I found out Doyle escaped. We hated lying to the people we cared about most, and I hated lying to him about my past. "

"And tonight?"

Emily sighed, "We both needed a reminder that I was alive."

JJ put a comforting hand on Emily's back.

"It's not going to continue. I've got to put myself back together, and I can't live with lies anymore."

"Em, if you're denying yourself a relationship with someone you love, you're living a lie, too."

Emily rested her head against JJ's shoulder. "It's an easier lie to live with for now."