Chapter 10
Perhaps every terrible thing is in its being something that needs our love.
- Rainer Maria Rilke
September 12, 2012
Emily walked slowly out of her therapy session and headed towards her flat. It was a beautiful Saturday in London and she was feeling particularly inspired by the conversation she just had. She had spent her time talking about actually not letting go of some things, and instead on how to shape bad memories into good ones.
"Emily," Dr. Adams had said, "You're not going to be able to forget everything. You're not going to just be able to let go and never have some of your more difficult memories resurface. The key is to know what to do when that happens. Also, you can be proactive about taking the bad memories and shaping them into something good and positive."
"I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you mean."
Dr. Adams smiled at Emily kindly. "You've already done that in many ways, you just don't realize it. Your sexual relationship with Ian was traumatic and you thought you'd never recover from it, but you were able to start a relationship with Derek and not let those bad memories take control."
"But I did let them take control. I was the one who would stop things with Derek and run away to regroup," said Emily.
"Yes, but you came back. And you're working hard to get back now. I'm here to help you learn to strengthen your armor, so you don't have to run away when the bad memories surface. We're out of time for today, but this week I want you to think about memories of yours that upset you and that you are having a difficult time letting go of, and figure out if there are any ways to shape them into something positive."
As Emily walked, she thought about two sad memories that were linked in her mind and that she just couldn't shake. Was there a way to shape them into something positive? She smiled to herself when an idea popped in her head. Instead of heading to her flat, she turned at the next corner and headed to the bookstore. She almost selected To Kill a Mockinbird, but that book seemed a little too much for her to start with, at least in her own heart. Instead she selected her second favorite book.
Emily made two other stops, carefully choosing her items, before heading towards the shipping center. She selected a box, laid the items inside, and then grabbed a blank note card from counter and wrote,
To help us hold on.
Love, Em
She went to the counter and paid for two-day air, then grabbed her phone to send Derek a text.
"Just sent you a package. When it arrives, Skype me so I can see you open it. Should be there by Tuesday."
A quick text came back. "I love surprises! Looking forward to Tuesday."
Derek's Skype call didn't come until Wednesday because there was a case. It was late, but Emily had been waiting up. She was in her pajamas on her couch, her laptop on the coffee table in front of her. She leaned forward to answer his call and there he was.
"Hi," she said, smiling at the sight of him. Derek smiled back and said, "Hi, yourself. So I have the package here. Can I open it now?"
Emily laughed at his eagerness. "Of course. Go for it."
She watched Derek's face as he opened the box. He smiled when he picked up the note card and read what she'd written. Then he looked inside and pulled out the items: A copy of A Wrinkle in Time, a fuzzy throw blanket and a bottle opener with an infinity symbol at the top of it.
Derek looked at Emily, intrigued but confused. Emily cleared her throat nervously and said, "I tear up every time I think about you reading at my grave. And I find myself thinking about it a lot, every time I read a book, or even walk past certain books. Dr. Adams and I were talking about how to reshape painful memories into positive ones, and I wanted to start here, if you're up for it."
Derek looked at her thoughtfully and didn't say anything, so Emily continued talking nervously. Perhaps this had been a bad idea. "The bottle opener is in place of a beer. I couldn't ship beer, but I figure you'd have some at your house. I have mine here. And I also have a matching blanket," she said, lifting the warm material up so he could see it in the camera. She held up her copy of the book. "A Wrinkle in Time is one of my childhood favorites…" She trailed off.
"Emily," said Derek softly, catching on, "I love this idea."
Emily smiled brightly. "You do? Oh, I'm so glad. I figure we can take turns reading to each other and when we finish this book, you could choose the next one, and we could just trade off like that. I know we can't do this often because of work, but whenever we can."
"Hang on a second, Em." Derek got up and walked away from the computer, but came back moments later. "OK, cracking open my beer." Derek settled the blanket around him and picked up the book. "You start reading first."
"Ok, but don't laugh." Emily reached over onto the coffee table and grabbed her reading glasses, putting them on.
"Glasses?"
"The eyes are getting old, apparently. They're awful, aren't they?"
"Hell, no. I like them. You'd win any sexy librarian contest hands down."
Emily laughed happily, opened the book and started to read. "It was a dark and stormy night…"