Dudley Dursley had screwed up quite a bit in his relatively short life. He had broken expensive family heirlooms (not that his parents had minded much). He had made terrible grades for most of his upper level classes (not that his parents had been concerned by it). He had gorged himself until he was no longer smaller than his father (a feat that had taken years of disgusting behavior and spoiled antics, neither of which seemed to bother his parents).

Then of course, there was what Dudley Dursley considered to be his greatest sin (but it was okay because his father had told him when he was young and impressionable that only the weak got beat up). Being the neighborhood bully had made him the big man on the block. He ran with a gang, wore his pants sagging and had a mouth so foul it would've made a pro-wrestler cringe. And he beat the shit out of everyone he came across. Harry especially. (It only made his parents proud.)

He'd gotten over most of that stuff now. Dudley Dursley, for all of his faults and screw ups and sins had, for the most part, moved passed his youth. He'd learned the value of things. He'd learned that when working part time and going to school full time while paying for an apartment and food and clothing and books and utilities one didn't have a lot left over with which to buy new things. And the way to avoid buying new things was to avoid breaking the old ones. Dudley Dursley had learned that if he wanted to continue to play American football for the university team he needed to have acceptable grades. And since one couldn't spend their entire life playing university football, he also needed the grades to learn enough to get a job.

Dudley had also learned something very surprising about himself during his months of hiding in a cottage with only his parents and two very peculiar wizards (witches?) while the magical world waged a war that really sounded like something more out of a fantasy novel and the normal world continued on their merry way towards destruction. Really it was two somethings that Dudley Dursley discovered about himself. The first was that, when all else failed and there was nothing left to keep him from chewing on the furniture out of pure boredom, Dudley could take a run with one of his strange magical guardians. At first he was slow and Hestia was mean and he came back from every run completely soaked in his own sweat and seemingly melting body fat. Over time though Dudley got faster, could endure more, and his conversations with Hestia turned from biting insults about his weight and her freakishness to conversations about the outside world.

That is where Dudley Dursley's second discovery came from. He no longer felt the need to lay fist to flesh, and really, what had beating smaller kids up ever done from him (except for garner his father's approval). After all, he had beat the tar out of Harry almost every day of his life until they were eleven and then after that only in the summers. Dudley had insulted Harry's mother, his dead friend, his father, his teachers, and his freakishness. And in the end Harry had saved Dudley from a fate worse than death. Really, if that hadn't been a wakeup call, Hestia's no bullshit attitude had certainly helped this self-discovery process on its way.

So yes, Dudley Dursley had screwed up. A lot. Most of his childhood had been a long streak of naïve mistakes. But he had mostly fixed himself up and moved himself on. He had moved to America to go to university and play American football, something he was quite good at. He had attended classes, decided on a major (civil engineering because his father was in construction and his grandfather had been in construction and honestly, working with his hands was better than trying to develop a dizzying intellect), and met a girl that he was quite fond of.

A girl who was currently looking at him with a look of wide eyed fear and horror. And slight nausea.

Dudley Dursley knew for a fact that despite all his progress, despite all his hard work, he hadn't screwed up this badly in a very long time. In fact he was sure that he had never messed up so badly in his entire life.

"What do we do?" he didn't even think about the words before they came spilling out of his mouth. The couch was nearly swallowing him and he was sure the temperature in the room had gone up a good ten degrees since Sarah had announced the news. But he still managed to lean forward and grip her hand. She hadn't really been reaching for him, but it was he that needed the comfort now.

Sarah had never looked smaller. Normally she was the tallest girl in the room, five feet eleven with mile long legs that were a perfect, natural tan. But today, sitting on the couch facing him, Sarah had never looked smaller. Her toned legs were curled up underneath her and her blonde ponytail was sticking up in all sorts of crazy directions. And she looked sick. And terrified. And she was glowing.

"Sarah! What do we do?" Dudley didn't find himself having to repeat himself often, but he knew that almost nothing of what he was saying was making it to Sarah.

She jerked her head up to look at him, her eyes narrowing for a challenge. "What do we do? We, Dudley? I think you've done plenty. The question is what am I going to do!" Her voice trailed off into a moan and she curled in on herself to hide her head, shoulders sagging.

"Hey now!" Dudley had to work very hard to keep his voice even. "This is both of our faults! I think we should handle this together."

"Handle it how, Dudley? How! I'm nineteen! And you're twenty! And we're both in school and I'm not even sure if I'm in love with you!" And then Sarah's voice changed from high pitched hysteria to low urgency. "Oh god! Dudley! My parents! What do I say? This is insane! They're going to kill me! I'm nineteen!" Now she clutched at his hand, her fingers digging into the back of his hand. He didn't flinch, realizing that really, the pain she was causing his hand right now was nothing compared to the pain she would be feeling if she decided to… have his baby.

Baby.

Baby.

Geeze.

Logically Dudley Dursley knew that unprotected sex resulted in positive drug store tests which resulted in pregnancies which generally wound up resulting with kids, or more exactly, babies. Logically, Dudley Dursley was quite aware of all of this information.

But Dudley Dursley was not in a logical type of mood at that moment. In fact, Dudley was feeling pretty illogical. And his illogical thoughts were what led him to say the very next thing that popped into his head.

"Does it matter?" He could see Sarah's eyes beginning to smolder at him, and not in the I want your nekked body type of way, but more in the I want your intestines on a stick type of way. "I mean, think about it Sarah. Who cares if you're nineteen and I'm twenty and we're still in school and your parents are going to kill us both! I've got money saved away since I've been getting so many scholarships lately and I've got the apartment. And I've got a job. And I'm two years away from graduating, and then I can get a better job."

"And the fact that we're not in love?"

"Well, we'll work around that for now. Or we can fix that later, if you really want to. Doesn't matter. The way I see it, either way you end up permanently stuck with me, something I am a huge fan of." Dudley gave Sarah one of his more (hopefully) reassuring grins. They could work this out, he was sure of it.