So many people think of Bondage Style as a crack fic... its really not. Its comedy, yeah, but not crack...

THIS is more of me writing crack.

"Well, if it isn't the Hidden Mist's Missing nin Momochi Zabuza..."

A pair of blue eyes blinked for a moment, before a blonde head canted lightly to the side as it looked up at a figure standing on the hilt of the massive sword embedded in the trunk of the tree, "Huh... Meh, Kisame's cooler."

There was a pause in the air, as five sets of eyes turned pointedly towards the blonde, the boy looking back at them with a shrug and a yawn, "What? Just stating a fact. Kisame's just a cooler missing Mist nin than Momo here," he jerked his thumb in said, lightly twitching nin's direction before yawning again, "Just like Itachi's a cooler Uchiha than our bastard Sasuke."

Kakashi almost fell over in shock at the bored words leaving the boy's mouth, as he idly wondered if the boy was TRYING to get himself killed, "Naruto..."

"Whaaaaa? You know I'm right!" the jounin twitched lightly at the casual response even he kept his eye trained on Zabuza, though, keeping a careful eye on the rapidly twitching Sasuke, "I mean, seriously! He's called little Zabuza for a reason!"

The missing nin in question almost fell off his sword at that last comment as he struggled to turn around, staring down at the boy with wide, incredulous eyes, "How the hell... WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!?"

Everyone's stares were locked on the bored looking boy as he lightly dug his pinky into his ear, "Eh? I'm Naruto Uzumaki and don't forget it!"

"Naruto..." there was a sigh as Kakashi finally looked down at the boy, "This isn't an opponent you can beat, and its really not a good idea to keep antagonizing him."

"Meh," Naruto casually shrugged in response as he would idly wrap his fingers behind his neck, leaning back, "Nah, you want scary, you should see a PMSing Itachi."

There was more than a pause in the air then as both Kakashi and Zabuza finally fell to the ground simultaneously in shock, just before a monotone voice echoed through the air, "I heard that brat."

Instantly a pair of black eyes widened in recognition, before anger, boiled through them as Sasuke Uchiha began to stare wildly around the woods, searching for its source as a harsh, angry whisper erupted past his lips, "Itachi!"

"Heya Itachi-chan!" the blonde boy grinned widely, as he seemed to wave in a random direction in the woods, "I know you did, why do you think I said it!?"

Everyone's eyes follow the direction of the wave in disbelief, before a sudden flock of ravens erupted from the trees, then converged, into a single, blacked cloaked figure, staring back at them. A black cloaked figure, with a pair of cold, red eyes sharingan eyes before the cold monotone continued, "I would prefer... you stopped calling me that Naruto..."

"Hmmm..." immediately a look of deep thought crossed the blonde boy's face as he caught his chin between thumb and fingers and seemed to consider the idea for a long moment before looking back with a fox like grin, "Nope, sorry, definitely Itachi-chan!"

A sigh of resignation passed the young man's lips as he would half glare back at the boy, "Very well... you bring this on yourself..." Itachi stiffened slightly before looking directly into the boy's eyes, "Naruto-sama"

"Awwww, Dammit, I told you not to call me that!" a visible pout crossed the blonde boy's face as he crossed his arms about his chest, "I'm not the old man dammit!"

"...Are you as lost as I am?" Kakashi turned slightly, his eye meeting the confused look of Zabuza as the missing nin was staring in shock at the genin brat addressing a mass murderer, known as one of the most dangerous men alive, a prodigy who had apparently snapped and slaughtered almost his entire family, like he was an old friend or brother.

"More so I think," the silver haired jounin responded as he twitched lightly, "This is most... unexpected."

"Truce until we figure out what the hell's going on?" The missing nin offered.

"I think it might be best," the Leaf nin agreed with a slight nod of his head.

"That's gonna be a loooooooooong truce then little Zabuza," a third voice offered up with a chuckle, "I've been in the middle of it and I STILL don't know half of what's going on."

Both men's eyes widened as they twitched lightly then looked behind them, "Whaaaaaa? You thought the brat was just blowin smoke outta his ass?" both sets of eyes wandered up, to see the sharp, pointed grin of a towering figure standing over them, his face, shark like in appearance as he easily held a wrapped, massive blade over his shoulder, and Zabuza's own cleaver casually in his hand

Before either figure could respond, Naruto casually gave a half wave towards the figure, "Heya Kisa-chan! You should know by now they never believe me!"

The man only grinned wider in response and chuckled as he casually shoved his fellow missing nin's blade down into the ground before he walked past the stunned group, petting Zabuza lightly on the head as he went, "Yeah, yeah, Heya little Zabuza. Ya always end up in the most interesting of situations Naruto-kun."

"Heh, its a gift!" the blue eyed boy happily grinned in response as he leaned back wards, his arms held above his head, "Right Itachi-chan?"

"Indeed, Naruto-saaaaama," the slender man responded, his face carefully schooled to neutrality, despite the slight mocking tone to his words.

"ITACHI!!!!!" the almost jovial mood was interrupted, as Sasuke finally seemed to break free from the shock of seeing his brother again, his voice screaming, raw as he pulled out a kunai and started to race towards the figure.

At least, until he ran by Naruto and managed to trip over a suddenly extended foot and was sent sprawling face first into the ground, "And like I said... Itachi-chan's much cooler than the bastard here... In spite of everything."

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura immediately rushed over to the dark haired boy, before glaring silently up at Naruto as she kneeled over her team mate as he pushed himself up to his feet.

"Whaaaaa? You'd rather I let him run head first at an S-class missing nin he has no hope of even coming close to defeating?" the blonde responded to her accusing glare, before looking over towards the trembling Tazuna, "Hey, old man, how much of that sake you got? I think I'm gonna need a drink in a sec."

Only, to immediately be smacked upside the head by Kisame as the still stunned Tazuna only stared back at him, "You're too young for sake brat."

"But Kisa-chaaaaaaaaan!" the boy half whined as he pouted once more, "Old enough to kill, old enough to drink!"

"Hey, you wanna end up like those two?" Kisame jerked his thumb in the direction of the still wide eyed Kakashi and Zabuza, "HAKU! Get your girlie ass out here! I know little Zabuza has ya hiding out here somewhere!"

There was a pause before a kimono clad figure, masked figure carefully stepped out from behind the tree, bowing its head reluctantly towards Kisame, "Kisame-sama..."

Naruto blinked a moment, looking incredulously from the new figure, and Kisame before suddenly beginning to laugh, loudly as he pointed a finger at the shark like man, and wordlessly continued to laugh. Grumbling softly, the blue skinned man merely smacked the boy, lightly behind his head once more before muttering, "Hush Naruto-kun."

"Hehehehe... Kisame-saaaaama?!" the boy merely chuckled as he accidentally found his foot landing on the back of the slowly rising Sasuke's head, shoving it back into the dirt, "Oops, sorry bastard, forgot you were there..."

"NARUTOOOOOOOO!" Instantly the pink haired girl stood up, clenching her fist as she glared at the boy.

"Hrm..." Instantly the boy narrowed his eyes as he studied the girl, catching his chin in another thinking pose before looking towards Itachi, "Nah, Itachi-chan PMSing is still scarier."

"Hrm..." Kisame copied Naruto's gesture, looking between the stoic man and the pink haired girl, "Gotta go with the brat on this one, pinkie here doesn't have a candle compared to a PMSing Itachi...

"At least I don't go on a sake and ice cream binge, Kisa-chan," the flat voice of Itachi countered, "Blubbering like a love sick school girl."

"Hey, leave the Rocky Road outta this!" The towering man almost whined as he glared back at Itachi, "It didn't do anything to you!"

"Ok, that's it," finally, Kakashi couldn't take it anymore, his eyes narrowing as he would look at the arguing group, "What the hell is going on?!"

"Eh, we're just here to keep Naruto-kun from causing too much trouble," The form of Kisame shrugged slightly before lightly ruffing the blonde's hair, "Otherwise, well..." The man shrugged helplessly, "Its not a good idea to let him get bored, really, REALLY not a good idea."

"What's so bad about the dead last...?" Sasuke's voice coughed up, as he glared up at Kisame, "He's an idiot."

"..." Kisame looked for a moment towards the downed Uchiha before carefully beginning to inch away from the boy, "Ya know, most people would take two of the most dangerous missing nin in the bingo book showing up to keep a brat out of trouble as a sign, there's something... to worry about."

"Kisa-chan," The words were soft as the blonde boy gave the shark faced man a pointed look and a shake of his head.

"Ah right..." there was a nervous chuckle escaping the swordman's lips as he scratched the back of his head before looking towards the masked nin, "Uh, so Haku! Why you two going after this old drunk?"

"Zabuza-sama has agreed to assasinate Tazuna-san for Gato-san," there was a chilly calm to the voice as the figure lightly canted its head to the side, "Though, Hakate-san seems to be opposed to the idea."

"Well, he was probably hired to protect the old fart," Kisame nodded before he pulled out a gourd and took a drink, "Mmm, this is gonna be interesting. So, old fart, you hired Naruto-kun's team?"

"Uh, yeah, though, didn't expect to get stuck with a buncha loud mouth brats, " the man nodded numbly as he shakily brought out another sake bottle and began to take a drink.

"Hmmm," Kisame immediately struck a thinking once more identical to the one Naruto had used earlier, "Help Naruto-kun or little Zabuza and Haku."

"Again... What the HELL is going on here?!" Kakashi spoke up once more, his eye twitching as his earlier question had apparently been ignored.

"Seems Kisame and the Uchiha have some kinda relationship to your student," Zabuza offered helpfully, "Kisame letting anyone call him Kisa-chan and live is down right scary."

"Naruto, explain to me what's going on," The silver haired jounin glared down at the blonde, arms crossed pointedly, "Now."

"Eh hehe... " the boy nervously scratched the back of his head, "Well ya see, its kinda sorta complicated..."

"Under fucking statement of the year," came the dead pan voice of Itachi as he walked over to stand next to the blonde, "Get up already Sasuke, and behave, you can try and kill me later when you're stronger."

"Oh, you're the person he wants to kill?" the blonde spoke up blandly, "Hrm... Sorry Sasuke, can't let ya do that."

"... you WHAT...?" the black eyed boy glared towards Naruto as he slowly pushed himself up to his feet, glaring between the young man and the boy.

"Can't let ya kill any of my precious people," the boy responded with a sage nod as he crossed his arms about his chest in finality.

"... your precious people?" there was a distinct sound of disbelief in Sasuke's voice as he just stared at his team mate.

"Oh yes Sasuke-kun," Itachi responded, his voice, suddenly coming to life a glint was seen in his eyes, "I belong to Naruto-sama, mind, body, heart and soul..." he leaned in, whispering down into Sasuke's ear, loud enough for both the boy's team mate's to hear, "I'm utterly, and completely Devoted to his happiness... and satisfaction!"

Sakura's eyes widened as the mental image came unbidden into her mind, leaving a slow trail of drool to form against the corner of her mouth as a slight trickle of blood began to form beneath her nose. Her inner voice, practically drooled all over herself as immediately, various images of the three males in front of her, in a variety of different stages of undress. As her face flushed crimson, her mind, finally couldn't take anymore before she promptly fainted backwards in a boneless heap.

"That was mean Itachi-chan," Naruto glared towards the dark haired young man, before he couldn't keep his grin down, "But really funny... though, I think you traumatized the bastard again..."

"Mmm?" Itachi canted his head towards Naruto, before looking back down at where Sasuke stood, shock still, staring forward into nothing, "Oh, um, oops?"

Naruto almost giggled as the fake look of apology on Itachi's face before he walked over, and simply stuck a stick of pocky into the taller Uchiha's mouth, "Right, behave yourself Itachi-chan," the boy said as he stood on his tip toes and petted the young man atop his head before looking at him sternly, "Or I'll put you on a no pocky diet!"

A whimper escaped the missing-nin's lips before he stared at the boy with wide eyes, "No, not that, pleeeeeeeease!"

Light, slowly returned to Sasuke's eyes as he looked to see his brother, his cold, monster of a brother, whimpering like a frightened puppy in front of his dead last teammate, who was in turn, petting the bane of his existence like a favorite pet, "What, the, hell, is going on?"

"Errr... well you see..." Naruto scratched the back of his head again before looking at Kisame then Itachi, "Kisa-chan, Itachi-chan, you better explain it, I don't think they'll believe me..."

As attention began to focus on the pair mentioned, Naruto was quietly sneaking his way over towards the stationary masked ninja, until he brought himself right up to the figure and grinned a happy grin at it, "So, Haku right?"

***

"Well? Explain already!" Sasuke glared, helpless frustration in his eyes as he stared at his parent's murderer, just a few feet away, and yet, so far beyond reach, "Not that you'll likely tell us the truth."

"Eh, lets see," Kisame again adopted the thinking pose as it were, before giving off a simple, savage grin at the rest of the group, "Just so you know, what we're about to tell you, is considered an SS-Class secret in Leaf..." he trailed off a bit, making a shooing motion at Tazuna, "So, no civies... and telling anyone without Naruto-kun's or the Hokage's permission... Wouldn't be pleasant."

"What, you, you expect us to believe a couple of missing nins, including one from Kiri, are working for the Hokage?" there was a scoff from Sasuke as the dark-haired boy glared back at the shark man, even as the bridge builder nervously made his way towards the path ahead of them, out of ear shot.

"Nope, we don't," he paused a moment before glancing at Itachi, "Well, I don't, can't speak for sunshine over there."

"Sorry, SS-class secret, you understand," the man shrugged helplessly as he would idly pull out a box of pocky from his cloak, sticking a second stick in his mouth to go with the first before he offered the box to his brother without even looking.

"Right," Kakashi responded flatly, even Sasuke unconsciously took one of the sticks of pocky and stuck it into his mouth, before the box shifted and was offered around, "So, why aren't you shooing Zabuza off then?"

"Easy," Kisame took one of the sticks of pocky, popping it into his mouth as he responded, "I know he's smart enough to realize just what'll happen to him if he starts to blab."

The two masked men, couldn't help but twitch, nervously as they looked at one another, then down at the box of pocky offered to them before their eyes went questioningly towards Itachi.

"Itachi-chan's being nice," Kisame explain, as his own pocky stick shifted against his lips, "Trust me, you want to take the pocky..." he gave them a meaningful look, "Trust Me."

Zabuza quickly grabbed a stick at Kisame's insistence before pulling down his mask to lightly pop it into his mouth with a grateful nod. One thing he'd learned over the years, was when someone you knew could kill you in a heartbeat was putting that particular kind of emphasis on being polite, you did it. Especially when it was Kisame telling him to play nice with another S-ranked missing nin.

Kakashi however, was looking at the box with a single, skeptical eye before looking back towards Itachi's eyes. Itachi's rapidly narrowing full sharingan eyes, that seemed to almost glow. Quickly settling on a course of action, his fingers almost flew through the air, snagging a stick of the sweet treat before nodding gratefully.

When Itachi's eyes only narrowed further, Kakashi was put in a predicament, he was reasonably sure that the reason for that particular glare, came from the fact that he hadn't stuck it in his mouth like everyone else. Which in turn, put him into a further spot, not even the threat of death or a night with Anko Mitarashi, brought about the removal of his mask. So, he did the only think he could, shoving the coated biscuit stick directly through his mask, and into his mouth as he gave Itachi as best of a smile as he could.

Apparently satisfied, Itachi nodded before putting the box back into his cloak. For a moment, there was nothing but silence, fallen heavy on the air as the man munched, happily away at his pocky, before he noticed the looks in his direction, "What?"

"So, secret, what's going on, S-class secrets and what not?" Zabuza offered lightly as his pocky stick twitched in his mouth, "Ring a bell?"

"Oh, I thought you were going to tell them?" Itachi arched a brow towards Kisame as Sasuke twitched next to him.

"Hey, its Leaf secret, I was Mist, remember?" the swordsman responded defensively, "That means its your secret to blab."

"Fine," Itachi sighed softly before he shifted a bit, before he took adopted Naruto's thinking pose, causing both Kakashi and Sasuke to twitch lightly before he continued, "Well, to start off with, I had a really, really shitty father."

Kakashi and Zabuza both could feel a trickle of sweat crawl down the sides of the heads as they both stared at Itachi as he continued, ignoring the intensifying glare that grew on Sasuke's face as he chomped away at the pocky stick, "He treated me like a weapon, treated Sasuke here like a worthless piece of trash because he wasn't a perfect little tool for him to use as he saw fit, and, of course there was that whole, treason to take over Leaf village in a particularly bloody manner."

"WHAT?!" Sasuke's eyes widened in shock as he stared at his brother, an image flashing in his eyes, the various little hidden meetings his father held at their house, some of the veiled words, and looks his father shared with his brother, and the look of fear in his mother's eyes.

"I've seen war, I got through the academy at the age I did because of war, otherwise I would've just far closer to a regular ninja kid than I was," Itachi shrugged lightly, "But, dear father figured I was the perfect tool. ANBU Captain and what not," He pause a moment at that, before canting his head curiously towards Kakashi, "Did you ever get your record back by the way?"

Kakashi blinked a moment, before merely smiling back towards Itachi with his eye closed in answer.

"Good good, I'll have to see about breaking it again, for old times sake," the young man paused a moment, pulling out another pocky stick apparently out of nowhere and munching on it as a look of concentration passed his eyes, "Now where was I?"

"Perfect tool, ANBU Captain, treason, other bad things?" Kisame offered blandly.

"Ah, right right, thanks Kisa-chan!" the man responded with an almost frightening cheerfulness in his formerly monotone voice as he continued the morbid subject, "Well as it happened, I got the lovely position of being a double agent. I fed information about the planned treason back to the Hokage, his advisors and a certain ex-shinobi named Danzo. Of whom, everyone but the Hokage wanted to just go ahead and start killing off the entire clan. Hokage-sama tried to reason with the clan, tried to find a way for everyone to get along."

There was a pause before the man blandly continued, "He failed."

"And you killed your clan," Zabuza concluded with a shrug, "Eh, happens."

Sasuke looked incredulously at the missing nin's nonchalant response, "It happens?!"

"Look kid, in Mist, the way our academy used to work, was you were partnered up with another kid, spent all your time together, training, living, sharing the good times and the bad," Kisame responded with a half yawn, "Practically family," he smirked then before locking his eyes with the younger Uchiha as he continued, "Then came graduation day, you either killed your partner, or they killed you. At least, until that brat's class."

The dark haired boy arched a brow as he followed Kisame's thumb to Zabuza, "So?"

"I killed them," the man shrugged a bit before he grinned around the remainder of the pocky stick, "Class of 100, and I killed every single other person in it. After me, they decided it might be a better idea to change things, heh."

Sasuke couldn't help but pale as he stared at the man talking about the massacre of a group of children, as a child, with an almost, fondness, "You... just killed them... all of them?" he looked then, to his teacher, looking wide eyed, hoping that he'd tell him that the man was lying.

Kakashi only winced slightly and nodded as Kisame spoke up, "Yup, he did, definitely changed things up in Mist, and what got him first noticed by the swordsmen. But, anyway, we're getting off point, Itachi?"

"Mmm?" the man in question looked up from where he'd been popping another stick of pocky into his mouth, "Did you say something Kisa-chan?"

Feeling a sense of familiar deja vu, Kakashi eyed the twitching Kisame lightly, "Uh, you're not going to start going on about eternal rivals and the flames of youth are you?"

"..." Kisame's twitching only increased as he shifted his eyes towards Kakashi, "If you start comparing me to HIM, I WILL hurt you. I still owe that bastard for the kick he gave me."

"Just checking," Kakashi responded with relieved cheer as he finally pulled out his book and started reading, "Whenever you're ready to continue Itachi-san."

"Mmm, Lets see... I was given the order to slaughter them all, went and recruited Madara to help me, killed everyone but Sasuke here, made a deal with the Hokage to spare him in return for losing my status in Konoha," the elder Uchiha paused a moment, considering with a finger tapping on his chin, "Oh, and I made Sasuke hate me so he'd come and kill me eventually and be strong enough to restore the honor of the Uchiha clan, rebuilding them as the protectors of the Leaf instead of the arrogant self centered pieces of shit we became."

Sasuke merely stared at his older brother in response.

"What?" the older Uchiha responded, raising an eyebrow down at his brother, "Didn't you find it the least bit odd, that I said you weren't worth the trouble to kill because you were too weak, when all the other children were killed?"

"All right, so we'll just leave it as we believe you for now until we can talk to the Hokage," Kakashi quickly spoke up, raising his hands carefully, "That still doesn't explain how you know Naruto."

"Oh that?" Itachi shruged a bit and munched on his pocky happily, "He turned us into his pets."

The resulting crash of bodies falling to the ground sent a small cloud of dust rising into the damp air. Three sets of eyes stared in disbelief at the missing nin munching so happily away at the pocky, while the swordsman chuckled again, "Perhaps, it would be best if you dropped the genjutsu Itachi-chan?"

"Mmm? Fine, fine..." he munched on another of the sticks of pocky before looking at the wide eyed nins on the ground around them, "Remember, S-class secret, get handed over to Ibiki and Anko, etc etc etc."

With that, the man, raised his fingers up, and gave a simple, soft syllable, "Kai."

Sasuke, and Zabuza both simply stared at the pair, unable to comprehend what was going on, as Kakashi spoke up carefully, "Well... that's interesting."

***

"So, Haku, right?"

"Yes," the figured nodded with a bow as it stood impassively in front of the boy in its kimono.

"Um, you mind taking off your mask?" Naruto blinked a moment as he canted his head to the side, "I'm sure its cool and what not for battle and all, but its kinda freaky to have a conversation with, ya know?"

"I'm not sure that would be appropriate... Naruto-san was it?" the figure responded easily enough.

"Eh, you're not gonna end up killing the old drunk, so might as well," the boy shrugged slightly, "You think Zabuza's dumb enough to go up against Kisame, with or without Itachi?"

Slowly the figure shook its head but still made no move to remove its mask, staying silent as it merely looked back at the boy.

"Huh, gonna play it that way huh?" the boy grinned back at the figure before threading his fingers together and stretching his arms out, popping his knuckles in the process, "Take... THIS!"

And with that, suddenly five shadow clones appeared, grabbing hold of the masked ninja before it could get away. As a moment of panic settled into Haku's chest, the next wave of the assault began, as the shadow clones began their attack. Tickling the figure all over.

"Haha! The dreaded Uzumaki Tickle attack!" The boy stood triumphantly over the figure, "Ready to take your mask off yet?"

The figure shook its head, struggling against the laughter trying to burst past its lips as the fingers worked against the silk over its body, before finally, a giggling laugh erupted out of its mouth as it convulsed with laughter, quietly begging, "S-s-stop! P-pl-please!"

"Ready to take off your mask?" the boy grinned back as he watched the tickling.

"Y-y-ye-yes!" the figure stuttered, laughing even harder as the clones kept up their relentless assault.

"Ok, but you better keep up your side of the deal!" And with that the two clones holding onto Haku's arms vanished into smoke.

"Fine, Naruto-san," the ninja responded with a heavy breath before reaching up, pulling the mask from its face to reveal a pale, tear streaked face with delicate, feminine feature, and a definite pout to its lips, "Happy?"

"Yup!" the boy grinned back, "No fun to talk to a mask like that."

Haku sighed softly, but continued to pout back at Naruto, "So, how do you know Kisame-sama?"

"Eh, Kisa-chan?" the boy shrugged slightly before grinning, "Long story."

"How do you get away with calling Kisame-sama that?" Haku asked, clearly perplexed as those dark eyes blinked at the boy, "It just... doesn't seem like something he'd allow."

"Eheh," the boy grinned a bit sheepishly, "Part of that long story... Lets just say... Itachi-chan took me out of the village for a while once, and we ended up meeting Kisa-chan."

"... You're an odd boy, you know that?"

"Yeah, but I protect my precious people!" the boy grinned back, "Nobody's gonna hurt my Kisa-chan, or my Itachi-chan, or any others I care about!"

Haku smiled softly at that, "They mean a lot to you, don't they?"

"Yup," the boy paused a moment, before squinting at Haku, "So, you a boy or a girl?"

The figure blushed softly, pouting in the process, "... I'm a boy."

"Really? Huh," Naruto shrugged slightly before petting the dark haired boy atop his head, "Well you're a pretty boy at least, I know a lot of girls like that."

"Thank you... I think?" the boy giggled a bit as he would look back at Naruto, "Do you know what they're talking about over there?"

"Probably Itachi and me," the boy shrugged slightly, "I wonder how many times they'll make Kakashi-sensei and Zabuza fall over."

"Zabuza-sama does not just fall over!" Haku responded with a pout.

"He did earlier."

"... He must've slipped."