Chapter 3 Who Do You Think You Are?
I know I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live half alive
Now you want me one more time
Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
Tearing love apart
His name fell from her lips in a whisper. She stared at him; he was such a beautiful man. Her heart slammed in her chest, and the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end. He knew the effect that he had on her just being near vicinity to her, it had been two weeks since she had seen him. He looked a bit disheveled, unlike his normally put-together self. He had bags under his eyes, they were red and tired as though he hadn't had much sleep.
Good. She thought.
She wasn't sure what either of the men had said but she was sure that Spencer was angry and she knew how he could cut with his words when he was. She was about to ask what had been said between the two men she stood between. Spencer's muscles were coiled, his stance like a lion ready to pounce.
"I wasn't aware that she was taken by anyone." Trina looked at Andres and then at Spencer.
"I said that you are too beautiful to be so sad. He said that you are beautiful and that you are taken." Trina spun around on Spencer glaring at him. He ducked his head as he shoved his hands in his pocket. He resisted the urge to go to her, to take her in his arms.
Trina shook her head to clear the fog and gather one complete thought. Did he have the audacity to say that she was taken? Did he have the nerve? The unmitigated gall? Of course, he did, that was Spencer. All Cassadine ego that came with a certain swagger. The problem with it was that he knew he had her. That is what made her angry while at the same time making her feel foolish. He could be sure of how she felt about him but she was left with doubts.
"I asked you not to look for me," she said defiantly head held high like her walls.
"What makes you think that I had a choice? There is no choice when it comes to you, Trina. I can't control what I feel and I move according to how I feel. Coming here was the only option." Trina threw her head back letting out a bitter laugh. Andres stood beside her, the guy seemed to have a temper and he wanted to make sure that she was ok.
"That is right, it is fuck my feelings as per usual, right?" She threw her hands up, and he was shocked by her outburst. Trina didn't use profanity, very rarely she might. She was mad, spitting mad and he knew it. She had every right to be but so was he. He glared at Andres his head tilted in the other man's direction, questioning his presence. Spencer hated that he felt protective of Trina and didn't have the decency to excuse himself to give them privacy.
"Why don't you catch a hint and get lost so that my girlfriend and I can have a damn conversation without your prying little ears." Spencer spat at him.
Andres looked at Trina, he put his hand on her arm, rubbing it reassuringly. Spencer stepped forward and she put her hand up.
"Do not." He bit the inside of his cheek, his fist clenched and unclenched as he caught the urge to punch the guy in the face.
"Andres, I am okay. I will be up in a moment." He nodded and then walked into the building where their loft was.
"You are spending a night with some guy?" She pointed at him. One hand on her hip.
"Tread lightly." He ran his hand through his hair.
"That is not an answer, Trina. What is this? You leave me a letter, a fucking dear John letter saying that you need a break and I find you here with some other guy?" She laughed.
"Doesn't feel so hot now does it?" She mocked him and he stared at her. It wasn't like living with Esme was a choice that he enjoyed. It was a necessity.
"Is that what this is about? Esme? Are you fucking serious?" Trina threw her hands up laughing almost maniacally. Weeks if not months of frustration took hold. Who was he to question her? To be angry with her?
"Look around you, Spencer. I am dead serious. You and Esme are raising Ace and that's fine—"
"Stop saying that! None of this is fine and instead of talking to me you save it all to leave in a letter!" He took a deep breath. He needed to calm down, he needed her to see how much she meant to him. How he'd ached for her over the past couple of weeks.
"You didn't even say goodbye." Trina wrapped her arms around herself as the back of her eyes stung. A shiver came over her from the wind and from the vulnerability that she had been trying to hide.
"I'd see you. I'd look into your eyes, and you'd smile at me. You'd tell me how you want things to be different and I would hope. I would hold on to hope and I wouldn't leave." She fought her tears.
"That is what you do. You leave me on the hook, dangling. Every time, you choose her and her needs." He looked at her incredulously.
"Ace's needs, Trina." She massaged her temples.
"Were they Ace's needs when you led me on without telling me about her?! When you would see her goading me and your friends but you chose her because you felt that you were all she had?!" He threw his hands up.
"Come on! That's not fair! That's our past and I thought we moved on from it! Esme is a psychopath! I'm looking after my brother until we have evidence to put her away. We had something remember? Something that you didn't want me to use!" Trina snorted.
"Yeah, because it's a good idea to use falsified evidence that a good lawyer could get thrown out or worse a mistrial declared." She inhaled slowly through her nose and then out through her mouth.
"You have money. You never once got your own place. Didn't get a nanny to help. Every time she calls, you jump. Every damn time!" Trina yelled the last part. "And-and it isn't even for something urgent!"
"Spencer, where is little piggy? Spencer, sing that silly song. Spencer, carry the diaper bag it is so heavy. Spencer, where are you going? Spencer, what is taking so long? Spencer, Spencer, Spencer!" Trina mocked using air quotes.
"What do you do?" She raised her arms then let them fall to her sides. "You go running." He ran a tired hand over his face.
"I try to keep the peace. Do you not understand how many times she has threatened to take him away? She even tried once but Cam stopped her." She shook her head.
"But you never set boundaries." She shrugged. "And that gave me clarity over these past couple of weeks. You didn't even call. I can't-" He cut her off, he couldn't bear to hear the words. He knew where it was going and he couldn't let it. His heart raced, and his throat dried as the lump formed. He could see it in her eyes. Her beautiful eyes always lit up when she saw him. They didn't light up that time, instead, they were angry and tired. Oh, how he wished that they would light up again.
"I called and you didn't answer. Then when I read your letter, I remembered. I thought about all the reasons, valid reasons you had to leave. I realized that I don't deserve you. No, I always knew that." He swallowed thickly. "I just thought that maybe I could be better so that I could maybe, possibly deserve you. I felt like I failed. So, I tried to let go, I did." A single tear escaped down his cheek. "But I am selfish. I need you and I couldn't." He shrugged sadly.
"Baby please, just please don't give up on me. Don't give up on us." He stepped forward and she stepped back until there was nowhere else to go.
"Please tell me what to do and I'll do it. You used to like telling me what to do. I love you telling me what to do. I can't lose you, Trina." He looked into her eyes, she looked up at him, caught in his gaze like she always seemed to do. She could see the pain in his eyes and could feel herself falling. She was falling into him, giving in. It was easy to do, to get lost in him.
"I can't." He pleaded in a whisper and she closed her eyes trying to gather the strength to walk away.
"Until you have me and what was with you telling Andres that I'm taken? That I'm your girlfriend?" Trina grabbed onto a sliver of clarity.
"Technically you said break…so technically we are still together. Unless you tell me that you don't feel for me. That you no longer want me." He chose his words carefully.
"Trina, tell me that I'm no longer in your heart. You must know that you own mine." Her eyes searched his looking for the truth, she could see it and it confused her.
"I need you to tell him to leave, Trina. Invite me up so that we can finish this inside." She shook her head.
"I can't, he lives here." Spencer almost stumbled backward but he couldn't he needed to remind her of how good they were together. He needed her to know how much he loved her.
"You're living with him?" He had her pinned between the stone building and his tall frame as he leaned in to catch her gaze. She noticed his stance stiffen but his hands remained planted on the stone at either side of her. She could have let him sweat and she very well should have but one look up at his tortured features and she gave in.
"Not that you are owed any explanation, but Sasha lives here too; we had another flatmate who has yet to show." Trina rubbed her arms again; his eyes followed the movement. His hands moved of their own volition to replace hers.
"It's chilly. Your…flat mate…" He said it as if it tasted foul on his tongue. "He isn't quite the gentleman." He took off his jacket. He put in on her and then tugged her closer to him.
"I miss you. I miss you so damn much. My heart aches, Trina. My soul aches for you. I need you to take that ache away." He was vulnerable, open and that was the thing. All it took was one look. All it took was to see him hurting to make her want to take the pain away. To soothe the ache that lingered. Maybe it would soothe her own. A look became a caress, a caress became a kiss. A kiss that ignited a flame that neither could ever extinguish. The feather-light feeling of his lips on hers became more desperate. He hoisted her into his arms hungry for contact, he angled her against the cold building. She opened for him, her legs wrapped around him as his hands roamed her body, exploring as though they had never touched intimately before. The jacket slightly shielded them from view of possible prying eyes but they had forgotten where they were and didn't care who was around. It was lewd, and exposed, coming up for air wasn't an option.
When Trina reached for his belt, Spencer came to his senses and carried her inside without breaking the kiss. "Which one?" He breathed.
"Top right. The door is unlocked, and my room is in the middle." She kissed him again, tangling her fingers through his soft waves. She knew that she was playing with fire but just for the moment, just for the moment, she didn't mind the flames. She didn't care if she was scorched.
Once in Trina's room, they were quick to shred their clothes. He moved to the bed, but she stopped him. "We don't need a bed." He tortuously slid her down the length of him and planted her on her feet. He noticed her frustrated expression, her kiss-swollen lips. Her taut nipples poked through her lace bra. It was hard, very hard for him to step back. To gain clarity.
"Not like this, I can't. I can't be something that you just have to get out of your system." He looked at her, her lips swollen from kissing, makeup smudged from tears. He caught on to what she was trying to do. He just didn't want her first time to ever be something she regretted.
"I love you too much to allow this to just be…. angry sex." She shoved him.
"You don't get to say that to me!" She shoved him again as fresh tears cascaded down her cheeks.
"It is true. I love you, with all of me. I am yours, completely; mind, body, and soul." He stepped toward her, and she shoved him again.
"Stop saying that!" They were words that she had longed to hear. That often danced on the tip of her tongue, but she was afraid to say. Afraid because of what it meant and the damage it could do if he didn't feel the same. How it could break her if he didn't choose her and look where they had ended up. She was shaking with a mix of emotions.
"I can't. I need you to know and I need you to get it so that you never doubt it." She went to shove him again, but he pulled her into a hug. "I am so sorry." She pulled away from him, she turned her back to him. She was tired of him seeing her open and vulnerable.
"You don't get to come in here with your words. They are always oh so pretty, your words. You use them well. I always fall for them, don't I?" She sniffed then wiped her tears.
"You once said to me, that you wanted to know what it was like to matter so much to someone that it hurts them when you are gone." She swallowed thickly.
"You don't think that I hurt when you're gone? Trina-"
"I wanted to know what it was like to have someone that I connect with, that I desire and treasure most, treasure me. For them to choose me. For you to choose me." More tears fell as she tried to get the words out. "But you keep proving that you don't."
"Trina, I choose you, today, tomorrow, always. I will always choose you. I know that I was preoccupied but I felt like I could get through this with you by my side. You were my peace, my home. You were my strength. I am only now realizing that while I drew strength from you, I didn't return it. I can't tell you the ways in which I am sorry for that." He stood behind her, she wouldn't face him, but he understood why. He needed to make changes in his life.
"It's too late, Spencer," she said quietly. She said it with so much finality that reopened the wound of his broken heart. Still, he was willing to bleed for her.
"Please don't say that. I know—" She whirled around on him.
"Spencer, what have you done to earn me? You talk about being a better man for me but then you get comfortable with the knowledge that I will always be here. Good old reliable Trina. She's fine. She'll understand she always does, and the funny thing is, you aren't the only one." She laughed sardonically.
"I am tired of being good old reliable Trina! If you want me, you better damn well earn me!" She hated to go Oliva Pope but it was so fitting in that moment.
"Quite frankly, I don't think you are up for the challenge, nor do I believe that you love me. You love the idea of me. You love having someone who will put you first. Someone who loves you just because you are you, with all your flaws. You want someone you can count on to be there." She shrugged. "Well, I am done," Spencer noted that she hadn't realized exactly what she was admitting but he clung to it, he needed to cling to it.
"You are right. I want all those things. I have found them in the love of my life and if you think for one second that I am giving you up, you are dead wrong. We have never been done, Trina, and we never will be. So, I accept your challenge." He smiled at her; it was a sad smile, but he was determined.
"See, you are telling me that I better damn well earn you, to me it implies that I have the chance to do just that. And I will." She crossed her arms unconvinced as shoved his hands in his pockets again, a habit she noticed that he did when he was trying to calm down or control himself.
"Spencer, don't you have to get back to Port Charles? How long has Esme been alone with Ace?" That had come out spiteful and she didn't mean it that way. "That wasn't fair. I never wanted you to choose between me and Ace. I love little chunky cheeks."
"I know. I know what you mean. I planned with my family to look after him. I don't care how long it takes, Trina. I don't care who you date in the meantime, I'll wait." He pulled her close and then kissed her forehead. "You'll see." He pulled on his shirt. Trina didn't look convinced but she didn't look resigned and that strengthened his resolve.
Spencer stepped outside of the building with renewed hope. Custody cases came before a judge, it would be difficult to convince a judge to grant him custody. Especially since he had been co-parenting with Esme for so long. That could also work to his advantage, he could obtain visitation rights, unsupervised. Maybe even joint custody. That way, he could get his own place and not worry about Esme legally taking Ace out of the state or country. The good thing about cases that came before a judge is that some could be bought. He made a phone call.
"I need your help."