AN: Yay :D So glad you guys are still on board! Thank you so so much for the lovely comments and such. It's a wonderful way to get back to my writing, let me tell you!
That being said, I am slightly giggling at how eager you guys are for them to get their shit together :P Isn't that always the problem though? When will they just get it! They are made for each other right? Well, we know obviously, but they don't. All in good time folks ;)
P.S: Did anyone get the Avatar reference last chapter? Any Avatar geeks out there?
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Chapter 8: The Eight year
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The next year, Emily was so busy that it seemed to roll by faster than any previous year Emily could remember. She wasn't sure if it was due to the fact that she had slowly gained experience and notoriety at work and her boss had started sending her on nicer, but tougher and longer assignments or if it was the fact that her relationship with Clara had continued to bloom and evolve and suddenly demanded more out of her.
Whether it was work or Clara though, it was undeniable that Emily had been busier than ever this past year. So busy that she had barely found the time to work on her own photographs and personal projects and that, she had to admit, was a bit of a problem.
As much as she liked her job, Emily had always dreamed of putting up her own exposition. Finding the time to work on her dream had never been a problem before, but with her extra work load and all the time she needed to devote to her relationship, it had become one.
It wasn't like there was much she could do about it, was there? She didn't want to switch job and besides, she liked that she was finally being assigned to bigger projects. They usually required more out of her, that much was only normal, but they also demanded some creativity that hadn't been needed before. And it was inspiring, God it really was. Emily had always loved that most about photography. She'd always liked that she could express a part of her silently, wordlessly. She'd always loved that she could think of something, feel it inside her heart and then put it forth. It was this love, this need for creativity, for self expression that had made her switch degrees in Uni. And now that she could actually put some of her passion for photography into her work, there was no way she'd let it go.
And as for Clara, even if the relationship was also quite time consuming, Emily didn't want to break it off. The truth was, she loved Clara, she really did. They fitted together on so many levels, they made so much sense. They were happy together, rarely ever argued and when they did, it usually was for silly reasons and blew over shortly afterwards. They weren't living together, but they spent most nights together at either one of their flats. They'd developed a life together and Emily liked it. She liked their life together and she loved her girlfriend. Clara was smart and funny and gorgeous. Sure, the girl was also a bit demanding at times, but it wasn't that much of a problem. They were good. Or at least, Emily thought they were.
It was probably because of this certainty that they were good, that they were solid, that Emily couldn't have guessed how everything would unfold.
It all started in September, Emily reckoned. It was, after all, the first time Clara brought up the subject. The redhead could still remember where she had been. Sitting in her living room, her laptop in her lap, her brow furrowed as she edited a set of pictures from a recent project. It had been casual then, that first time. Clara had sat down next to her, her hand finding the back of Emily's neck, the redhead immediately purring at the contact.
"This a good time to talk to you?" Clara had asked, knowing that sometimes when Emily was too focused on her work it was best to let her be.
"Huh uh" the redhead had nodded.
"I was just wondering, what are our plans for the Christmas Holidays this year?" She'd asked, her fingers gently massaging.
"Hummm..." Emily had moaned, almost not paying attention. "I don't know... Why?"
"Well... I was sort of thinking... We've been together a year now and you've never met my family... What if you came to Scotland with me for Christmas?" she'd said casually.
Emily had felt herself tense instantly, her fingers freezing on the keyboard. Clara had felt it too.
"Something wrong?" she'd said, her fingers stationary on the redhead's neck.
"No..." she'd replied more because it was the right thing to say than because it was true.
"You don't want to meet my family?" Clara had asked, hurt apparent in her voice.
"Of course I do!" Emily had argued. "I just... I'm not sure yet what the plans are for Christmas in my family this year... I mean, if Katie's coming and all... you know how my mum gets..."
"Only from what you've told me..." Clara had replied, retrieving her hand from Emily's neck. "I've not actually met her, have I?"
"Clara..."Emily had sighed. "Do we have to talk about this now? It's September..."
Her girlfriend had been a bit reluctant, but they'd dropped the subject. It had only been September after all.
When she'd brought up the subject again in October though and Emily still hadn't wanted to discuss it, Clara had dropped it with a little more difficulty. The redhead had managed to convince her not to get into it by bringing up her extra work load and the fact that she still didn't know Katie's plans. It had worked. But only for October.
When November rolled around, nothing could make Clara drop the subject.
"I called Katie" Clara told her one day in early November.
"What?! Why?"
"I wanted to know her plans for Christmas" she said simply.
Emily felt a pang of anger erupt deep inside her chest.
"For fuck's sake Clara..." she muttered irritably under her breath. "Why did you do that?"
"Well clearly you weren't going to. Someone had to" her girlfriend replied smartly.
The redhead couldn't have hidden the look of frustration that flashed across her features if she'd tried. She hated when Clara spoke to her like that.
"Want to know what she said?"
Emily shrugged and Clara pursed her lips, visibly annoyed by the redhead's disinterest.
"She said she and Jeremy were going to his dad's for Christmas..." Clara provided anyway.
"Okay" Emily said, not meeting her girlfriend's eyes.
"She said they'd make it to Bristol for New year's" she continued.
"Okay" the petite repeated.
Clara paused for a few seconds, clearly waiting for Emily to add anything, but when the redhead didn't she sighed heavily.
"So... Since Katie won't be there for Christmas... I figured we could spend Christmas with my family and then spend New Year's with yours..." the brunette suggested.
Something in Emily's stomach churned uncomfortably. She bit her bottom lip uncomfortably.
"Well?" Clara urged, expectantly.
"I don't know..." the redhead replied slowly.
"What?" her girlfriend asked disbelievingly. "What don't you know?"
"I just... Christmas has always meant Bristol for me..." She argued.
"And Christmas has always meant Scotland for me..." Clara countered.
"I know... I'm not asking you to come to Bristol instead I'm just saying that the idea of spending Christmas elsewhere feels wrong..."
Clara stared at her for a few seconds.
"And you're not willing to think about it?" she asked eventually, her voice filled with disappointment.
Emily's heart squeezed painfully in response.
"No, of course not... I mean, of course I'll think about it" she said quickly. "Let's drop this for now though, yeah? I'll think about it, but not like... now... yeah?" she asked desperately.
Reluctantly, Emily could tell, Clara nodded.
The rest of the night had been well awkward and when they'd gone to bed a few hours later, Clara had turned her back to Emily. The redhead had sighed and cuddled her anyway.
She'd thought about it afterwards, she really had. She'd even called Katie herself to confirm her sister's plans, feeling like the worst human being ever when she'd ended up half begging her twin to come to Bristol. Katie had refused, obviously.
In all truth, Emily wasn't sure why she was so desperate to be in Bristol for the entire holidays. She wasn't sure if it was because she truly couldn't imagine spending that time of the year away from her family or if it was because she didn't feel ready to meet her girlfriend's family. Maybe it was a bit of both. Maybe it was something else. All she knew though was that it all felt wrong somehow.
After their last fight, Emily had dreaded the day Clara would bring the subject up again after that. She'd foolishly hoped it wouldn't be brought up at all, but she knew her hopes were futile.
"Did you think about it?" Clara asked one evening.
Emily's breath hitched in response, her heart beating fast, her palms starting to sweat automatically.
"Yeah..." she replied slowly.
"And?"
The redhead bit her bottom lip nervously, preparing herself.
"I... I don't think me going to Scotland is a good idea..." she started explaining slowly.
"Why?" Clara asked, the roughness of her tone making Emily wince.
"I just... Christmas means Bristol... I can't imagine it elsewhere..."
"So you're not willing to make an exception?" her girlfriend said incredulously. "And what? Am I just supposed to spend every Christmas with your family now because you're not willing to make exceptions?"
"No... of course not..." Emily sighed. "You can go to Scotland if you'd like... I'm just not going to come along..."
Clara's eyes widened and a flash of hurt crossed her features.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" she scoffed.
"What?" Emily asked confused.
"You're serious? You think I should just go to Scotland and you to Bristol?"
"Well... yeah?" the redhead said uncertainly.
She couldn't understand why her girlfriend seemed so angry all of a sudden.
"So if I understand you correctly, your 'plan' for Christmas is that we spend it apart? With no possibility of spending it together?" she asked, her voice shaking with anger.
"It's only a few days..." Emily defended with a shrug. "Besides, it's the only solution I can see"
"The only solution?!" Clara exclaimed. "What about you inviting me into your family?! What about that solution?!"
The redhead opened her mouth to reply, but the words got stuck in her throat.
"Fuck's sake, you didn't even consider the option, did you?" her girlfriend said completely incredulous. "That's great Emily... really fucking wonderful..." she shook her head, her voice bitter.
The petite woman stayed silent for a few seconds, until tears welled up in Clara's eyes and the girl got up and walked to the door purposefully.
"No that's not..." Emily tried to explain, getting up as well to follow her girlfriend. "I... I thought you wanted to spend Christmas with your family!" she said.
When Clara didn't turn around, but continued to gather her stuff to leave, Emily grabbed her wrist gently.
"Clara, babes, of course you're invited!" she said.
The brunette turned around and Emily was startled to see tears down her cheeks.
"Baby..." she muttered softly, her heart catching in her throat. "Please don't go... you can come to Bristol with me if you want..."
"Do you want me to come?" Clara asked her completely seriously.
"Of- Of course" Emily replied with a half smile, stumbling on her words.
More tears fell down Clara's eyes, she didn't seem convinced. In all honesty, Emily wasn't convinced either.
"I'll see you tomorrow" Clara told her calmly, closing the distance between them to place a barely there kiss on the redhead's lips.
Then, she had shaken away Emily's grip on her wrist, had turned around and had left the flat. Emily hadn't even tried to stop her.
In retrospective, the petite girl should have known in that moment that things could only get worse.
They'd seen each other the next day, as Clara had said, but things had been different. Emily had felt uneasy and her girlfriend had been cold and standoffish.
The days that had followed had been characterized by bad sleep, an upset stomach and a constant feeling of having been punched in the throat for Emily. She hadn't been sure how they were for Clara, but she feared they hadn't been much better.
It had stayed like that though all the way to December. When the month had rolled in, everything had changed. When Clara had met her one evening at her flat, a sombre expression on her face, Emily had feared the worst. She'd been right to.
"Ems?" she said before Emily had time to kiss her. "Can we talk?"
The redhead felt her heart drop low into her stomach and gulped before nodding slowly.
"What's up?" she asked when they walked into the kitchen, sitting at the table.
Clara looked at her for a few seconds before sighing.
"Emily... I... You know I love you, right?" she said, her voice shaking a bit.
"Yes of course... and I love you too" the redhead replied, suddenly feeling nauseous.
"Good... So you'll understand this isn't easy for me..." she continued, tears forming in her eyes.
"Clara... what's wrong baby?" Emily asked, genuinely worried.
At the term of endearment, the tears trailed down the Brunette's cheeks.
"Christ..." Clara mumbled. "This is so hard... I... Ems... This... this is wrong..."
"What is?" Emily asked confusedly.
"Us, Ems... We're wrong" she cried in response.
The redhead's heart winced in pain and nausea climbed up her throat.
"Wha- what?" she said. "Us? No... Clara, no! We're not wrong! We're... we're so good together!"
The brunette shook her head, more tears falling down her cheeks.
"No. It's not working... I... I can't do this anymore... Emily I love you so much, but this is just not working"
"What, why? How?" the redhead asked, tears forming in her own eyes now.
"How?" Clara repeated. "Don't you see? We've been together for over a year, yet I've never met your family and you've never met mine... We've been together for over a year, yet you won't even spend Christmas with me... Emily... this isn't working..."
"What?!" Emily choked. "You can't be serious? You want to break up with me because of the Christmas thing?!"
"It's not just that..." Clara argued.
"Well what is it then?"
"I... I just... I don't think we're on the same page Ems..."
"What's that supposed to mean?!" Emily asked angrily.
"It means that I love you more than I can say. I love you Emily, I'm completely in love with you... But I don't think you feel the same..." Clara croaked through hiccoughs.
"What?!" Emily thundered. "Jesus baby! I do! I love you too! I'm crazy about you! You know that!"
The redhead was horrified when Clara shook her head stubbornly.
"No Emily... I don't actually... Because... You say you love me, but... but I feel... I feel this distance between us... Like you're not fully into this, like sometimes I want to see you and I know you'd rather work on your projects... and I just... Don't you see that there is never anything I'd rather do then be with you? And I know you don't feel that way and it fucking breaks my heart, you know..."
"A distance? No Clara, you're wrong... I... I..." Emily tried to argue.
The words caught somewhere between her throat and her mouth though.
"I think... I think you're not completely into this Ems..." Clara continued with difficulty. "Like... like you're not completely emotionally available and I just... I just don't think it's gonna change babe" she whispered before sobbing.
"Clara..." Emily tried to coo, but she was crying as well.
"I- I know it can't change Ems because- because" Clara tried to push through her tears. "Because you're not that kind of person. You're not a guarded person babes... You're not the kind of person who just keeps an emotional distance for safety so... so... Jesus... So I ju- just think it's me"
The brunette stopped speaking as hot tears escaped her eyes and sobs climbed up her throat. There were so many things Emily wanted to say as the other girl cried, but none of these things found their way to her mouth.
"I- I think I'm just not the right person for you because if I was, there would be no distance... So... yeah... I just think it's better if we end this now" she finished painfully, her eyes so full of sadness.
"But... but Clara, I do love you... I... Please let me find a way to fix this. I love you" Emily insisted, her voice low and croaky from her tears.
Clara's eyes seemed to darken further and more tears fell out.
"I know you do... At least some, but... It's just... It's not enough... the love you feel for me is not enough" the brunette whispered sadly.
The words hit Emily like a sucker punch to the heart. Her head swam as an ugly sob escaped her lips. Clara cried harder as well, before sniffling and getting up.
"I'm sorry..." she said, walking away.
Emily didn't try to stop her. It was over. Her head fell into her hands and she cried, her heart jolting painfully with every beat. She'd never felt so lost before, so completely useless and clueless. How could Clara feel like her love hadn't been enough? Emily loved her, as much as she knew how, yet it hadn't been enough. That thought hurt more than anything she'd ever known.
She'd cried for a long time that night, long after Clara had left. In fact, Emily doubted she'd slept at all. She'd called in sick at work the next day, not feeling much better. One day had turned into the rest of the week and once she'd explained the situation to her boss quickly, the woman had been nice and understanding.
It had taken a week of Emily staying in her flat and doing nothing before Katie had come barging in, wanting to know exactly why her sister wasn't answering her phone. She'd been furious when she'd walked into the place, but when she'd spotted Emily, all the anger had left her body and she'd rushed over to comfort her twin who had immediately started crying again the second Katie's arms were around her.
After that awful first week, Emily had felt strong enough to go back to work, but every evening, Katie would come over to her flat for dinner. She'd tried to tell her sister it wasn't necessary, but telling Katie that was as pointless as telling a toddler not to put everything in its mouth- she could hear it and understand it, but that didn't change the fact that she was going to do it anyway.
In all honesty, Emily hadn't minded that much. It had felt good to have Katie by her side. It was perhaps two weeks after the break up though that Katie's silent support changed and she dared to ask questions. Emily wished she hadn't.
"Emsy? Can I ask you something?" she said tentatively.
"Hum?" Emily replied.
"Did it have anything to do with Naomi? I mean... the reason you were so adamant about spending Christmas at mum and dad's... Did it also have something to do with your tradition with Naomi?" she asked seriously.
The question hit her like a brick. Not one second had she considered that when she'd been discussing her Christmas plans with Clara. Not once had she consciously realised that spending a Christmas outside of Bristol would mean skipping on her yearly tradition with Naomi. It hadn't crossed her mind, not that she could remember at least, yet now that Katie had asked, Emily found herself wondering.
"Course not..." she replied anyway.
"You sure?" Katie inquired doubtfully.
"Christ Katie, what are you even trying to say? That I chose Naomi over Clara? That I didn't want to go to Scotland for Christmas because I wanted to see Naomi more? That's fucked up" Emily spat back angrily, feeling only slightly guilty that she wasn't 100% sure that there was no truth to this theory.
"Emsy, I was just asking, please don't get angry" Katie backtracked immediately.
"No, I'm sorry" Emily sighed. "I don't know why I snapped... Truth is... I... I'm not sure why it was so important for me to be in Bristol for Christmas, okay? What I do know for sure though is that my girlfriend just dumped me and it hurts like hell" she finished, her voice tight, her eyes tearing up.
Katie nodded and wrapped her arms around her and the subject was dropped.
Of course though, just like every little thing Katie had ever brought to her attention, Emily couldn't help thinking about it. In fact, she was still thinking about it a week later on Christmas Eve as she walked into the night, hands deep into her pockets, her nose buried into her scarf.
The traditional Fitch Christmas dinner had been a bit of a mess. Her mum had asked her countless times to explain her break up and Emily had felt like disappearing or exploding each time. If she'd not hated the time when her mother had been too terrified of her orientation to dare mention it, Emily might have missed it. As it was though, as painful as her mother's confusion and questions were, she still liked it better than the denial she'd splashed her with when she had first came out.
As good as her mother's acceptance was though, Emily was more than relieved when dinner was over and she stepped outside the house. Sadly, it took about a second for the relief to be replaced by anxiety and it was all Katie's fault.
As Emily walked, her head down, the silent night engulfing her, all she could think about was her sister's words.
Did it have anything to do with Naomi?
And as she walked more and more, her steps undeniably leading her to the pub where she knew Naomi would be, Emily let herself wonder, did it?
No, was the first answer that came to her mind.
Sure, she'd felt this questionable unease at the idea of being out of Bristol for Christmas, but it hadn't because of Naomi, had it? Since she was a little girl, Emily had always spent Christmas Eve with her parents and that was what it had all been about. The dinner, the singing with her mother as she did the dishes, her father's boring stories and James' awful comments. That was what Christmas was for her. Every single detail of it was what made her heart flare with love and happiness. Her family, so dysfunctional at times perhaps, was still always hers and no matter how they fought sometimes, Christmas always meant an unlimited amount of love.
That was what had been important to her.
And Naomi? Well, Emily wasn't sure. She guessed Naomi was an added bonus. Her little added Christmas light, she could concede to that, but not to the fact that Naomi had somehow been her main motivator. She couldn't be.
Emily arrived in front of the pub quicker than she expected. She pushed her way inside and quickly scanned the place. She wasn't overtly surprised when she didn't spot Naomi anywhere. She shrugged to herself and walked to the bar to buy herself a drink. The bartender greeted her happily and a minute later she was served and walking to a table at the back of the place. She sat on her own and waited.
She'd been sat for about 2 seconds when a huge wave of sadness washed over her. Emily closed her eyes to try and control the tears that were quickly developing, to try to ease the tension she could feel building in her throat.
Katie's theory was ridiculous, she thought. How could Naomi have been in any way a factor when it was clear to the redhead that she had been in love with Clara? She still was actually, she reminded herself, biting down on her bottom lip to stop a sob from escaping her.
"Hey" the unmistakable voice of Naomi said behind her.
Great, Emily thought. What a great timing.
"Been waiting long?" Naomi continued and Emily opened her eyes.
Her heart caught in her chest as she saw her, casual as ever, her hands in the pockets of the dark green jacket she was wearing. Her stomach churned and she frowned when Naomi didn't make any move towards her, but dropped down onto the chair facing the redhead instead. What, no hug?
"Sorry if I-" she started but interrupted herself.
Her eyes widened. Still so blue, Emily thought.
"Ems?" the blonde asked her, leaning a bit closer although her hands remained in her pockets. "I... Are you okay?"
"Wha-?" Emily started to reply, but felt the moisture on her cheeks.
She lifted a hand carefully to her face and realised the tears had fallen without her noticing. She blushed and brushed the tears away.
"I- I'm fine" she mumbled, not daring to look at the blue eyes.
She could feel that Naomi was uncomfortable and she hated it.
"So how was your year?" she asked as cheerfully as she could, her voice only breaking a bit.
Naomi's eyebrows furrowed further.
"How's Canada?" Emily continued.
"Emily..." Naomi muttered, her voice soft and filled with worry.
"Naomi, don't" the redhead brushed off. "I'm fine... Let's just... let's just talk about you, okay? Just... just" she tried to push forward, but her voice broke completely this time.
Emily stared at the table, new tears forming in her eyes. She felt so pathetic. Twice. Twice now she'd met up with Naomi with tears in her eyes and a broken heart.
Emily didn't move as she tried to control her breathing. If she could just focus on her breathing long enough, then she'd forget why it was so hard to breathe in the first place.
In her peripheral vision, she could see Naomi hesitating, static on her chair, her dark brows still furrowed confusedly. When tears fell down on the table though, Emily unable to stop them, something seemed to click inside Naomi and she quickly got up and walked over to the redhead.
The next second, her hands were on Emily's thighs and she turned the petite woman around in her seat to face her. When the redhead stubbornly kept her head down, her entire body feeling warmer now that Naomi was touching her, the blonde lifted her hands and placed then delicately on her cheeks, lifting her head up until their eyes met.
Blue met brown and the intensity of the stare burned. Emily gulped slowly, as tears strolled down her cheeks and Naomi observed her seriously. After a moment, she seemed to have formed a conclusion, because her face softened and she looked at the redhead sadly.
"Oh Ems..." she whispered. "You're not fine"
The statement hadn't been accusatory or assuming, but the second it crossed the blonde's lips, Emily felt something inside her chest break. More tears spilled out of her eyes and a rough sob escaped her and before she knew it, Naomi grabbed her by the neck and embraced her.
Emily fell into her arms automatically and without restraint. She grabbed fistfuls of the blonde's shirt as she hid her face in the crook of Naomi's neck, sobs making her entire body shake violently. Naomi held her close for as long as she cried. And cry, she certainly did.
Even when Katie had come round that first week, Emily doubted she'd cried as thoroughly as she did now. There was something about Naomi, something about the fact that all Emily's senses were invaded by her touch and her scent, that was making the redhead feel safe. She cried until her heart slowed down on its own, until tiredness washed over her. And then, she slowly let go of the blonde.
The petite woman wiped her nose on her sleeve and blushed when she noticed how crumpled Naomi's jacket was where she'd clutched it.
"I'm so sorry" she mumbled uncomfortably. "I keep doing that to you, I'm such a mess..."
"Don't" Naomi cut her off softly, a hand lifting to brush more tears off Emily's cheek.
A shiver travelled down the redhead's jaw and she averted her eyes.
"What happened?" the blonde asked, grabbing her chair and sitting much closer to Emily than she'd previously been.
"I..." Emily mumbled, her throat squeezing painfully.
"You don't have to tell me if-" Naomi started but stopped when the redhead shook her head.
"It's not that" Emily promised. "I don't mind telling you... I... My girlfriend broke up with me" she admitted bitterly.
"What, today?!" Naomi asked completely shocked.
The look on her face was so adorably confused and outraged that Emily felt a surprising surge of laughter ripple through her.
"God no! Not today, at the beginning of the month" she explained.
"Oh..." Naomi nodded. "Okay... well... good... wait, no! Not good, but like... better... Or I mean... Christ"
Emily giggled again, the sound weird with her post crying voice.
"I'm glad you're finding this amusing" the blonde commented, one eyebrow quirked curiously.
"I don't" Emily said with a sigh. "But your awkwardness is"
"I'm so glad I can be of service" Naomi scoffed and Emily smiled.
"Yeah... thanks for being here" the redhead continued, serious this time.
Every hint of amusement disappeared from the blonde's face.
"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else" she said.
Emily gulped and they stared at each other intensely until Naomi blinked and blushed.
"So huh... do you want to talk about it? I mean... what happened?" she inquired.
"I'm not sure..." Emily sighed. "I... I thought everything was okay and then... then she said it wasn't working... That I was... emotionally distant..."
"She said that?" Naomi asked, her eyebrow shooting up again. "About you?"
"Yeah" Emily nodded. "What? Why are you looking so surprised?"
"It's just... Emotionally distant is not something I'd ever think to associate with you... More... well, anyway..."
"No, tell me. More what?"
"Well... more... me. That's something a lot of people have said about me actually, but you? I just... That's not how I know you at all..." Naomi admitted.
Emily smiled and tilted her head. It was a bit funny how Naomi seemed to know her, or at least how it felt like Naomi knew her when all they had ever had was one day every year. It felt impossible in a way, but the redhead could feel it in her bones. Naomi did know her.
"I never thought anyone would say that about me either" Emily said sadly. "She said... She said she didn't think I loved her..."
Naomi seemed to hesitate this time, her teeth finding her bottom lip nervously. She cleared her throat and averted her eyes for a moment.
"And huh... Did you? Did you love her?" she asked, uncertainly, her eyes finding Emily's again as she asked.
Her expression was guarded, careful. Emily had never seen her look like that before.
"Yes, of course I did. I still do" she answered anyway, her throat squeezing uncomfortably.
The redhead wasn't sure if it was a figment of her imagination but she thought she saw the blonde wince. She didn't have time to confirm it though because the next second, it seemed like Naomi had rearranged her features.
"She was stupid not to believe you then" the blonde said evenly, almost clinically.
"She... she sort of did..." Emily recalled painfully. "I mean... she said... she said she knew I loved her in my own way, but..."
The redhead stopped speaking for a second, her throat burning. She could feel new tears forming in her eyes. She sniffled loudly and sighed.
"She said the love I had for her wasn't enough" she finished in a whisper, looking decidedly at the table in front of her.
She waited in silence for Naomi to say something.
"She said that?" the blonde eventually muttered. "Christ" she scoffed.
Emily lifted her gaze and her eyes widened when she spotted the look of disdain on Naomi's face.
"Look... I know you still love that girl, but can I just say? What a fucking bitch" the blonde said with a shake of her head. "I can' believe she'd say something like that to you..."
The redhead had rarely felt so torn over something in her entire life. On the one hand, she wanted to smile at Naomi's outrage, but on the other, she felt compelled to defend Clara.
"She didn't mean it like I wasn't enough... She just... she felt like I didn't love her as much as she loved me..." she explained sheepishly.
"Who is she to decide that?" Naomi scoffed. "Who is she to decide how you feel?"
"She wasn't... I... I think she was just not feeling it... I know she didn't mean to hurt me when she said that. It was just how she felt"
"Didn't mean to hurt you? Jesus! How did she think you'd take something like that? That's something awful to say to someone"
Emily felt a wave of anguish flare inside her chest. She knew she shouldn't be defending Clara, but she really couldn't help it.
"She loved me" she heard herself defend sharply. "I know she didn't want to hurt me and I know that I must have hurt her a lot if she came to the point of believing that my love for her wasn't as big as her love for me. This isn't just black and white Naomi, we both made mistakes. She just made the final decision."
Naomi bit her bottom lip anxiously once Emily was done speaking.
"I... I didn't mean... I'm sorry Ems..." the blonde mumbled softly. "I didn't mean to judge her, yeah? I just... I can't believe anyone who was lucky enough to have your love could just throw it away under the pretence that it wasn't enough..." she finished so quietly, Emily had to strain her ear to hear.
Her heart fluttered in her chest as she did though. There was something burning deep within Naomi's eyes that Emily couldn't quite place. She gulped slowly, suddenly feeling overwhelmed.
"Thank you..." she mumbled, her cheeks probably flaming red.
Naomi shrugged noncommittally, wrenching her eyes away from the redhead. They stayed silent for a few more seconds before Emily breathed in shakily.
"Can you... can you tell me about Montreal now?" she asked softly. "I... I'd like it if we'd talk about something else for a bit... I feel like the break up is all I've been thinking about lately... I'd like to focus on something else."
Naomi smiled and nodded.
"Of course"
Emily smiled along gratefully.
"So Montreal... I'm not sure where to begin Ems..." the blonde replied, a slow satisfied smirk crawling on her lips. "It's... pretty damn nice" she laughed.
"Yeah? So it's not deadly cold?" Emily asked eagerly.
"Oh shit yes! It really is sometimes! First week I was there last year, I had to buy a proper winter jacket. Temperatures were deadly. The wind was so bloody cold it froze my eyeballs, eyelashes... Christ, it even froze the inside of my nostrils!"
"That sounds thoroughly unpleasant" Emily giggled.
"It really is! But then, that's so not everything about the city... Remember what I said about festivals? Turns out it's really fucking true. There always seems to be a festival going on. Winter or summer, whenever. It's everywhere and always and it's blinding. Like, I think it was barely a week after I got there last year, I was invited to this outdoor party... They call it Igloo Fest and basically it's clubbing, but outdoors in the middle of winter. People suit up in the most ridiculous outfits they can find, which, you know, often means a fluorescent one piece. I was dragged to a few of those and then, maybe two months after I got there, I was invited to this massive thing, they called it 'la nuit blanche'."
Emily blushed and bit her bottom lip.
"La what? Can you repeat that?" she asked sheepishly.
"Oh my God! Emily Fitch!" Naomi exclaimed with a giggle. "Don't tell me you're one of those girls..."
"What?" Emily asked. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means you're one of those girls that gets all hot and bothered when they hear French!" Naomi accused, smirking.
"I am not!" Emily said.
"La nuit blanche" the blonde repeated.
The redhead felt her cheeks heat up and Naomi burst out laughing.
"You so are" she said through her giggles.
"Oh, shut up!" Emily snapped gently. "French sounds hot, alright?"
"God you'd love Montreal" the blonde mused. "So many beautiful girls, most of which are either open or curious or plain gay. And most of them speak French. It would be paradise for you"
Emily giggled and shook her head.
"Sounds like it..." she winked.
The second she had though, she remembered Clara and her heart sank a little.
"Maybe... maybe not right now though..." she mused.
Naomi gave her an apologetic smile in response.
"Anyway, tell me about this festival" Emily prompted.
"Right, well the name means that it's an all-nighter actually. So it's this big festival that takes place pretty much all over the city expect, like, the far east and west. Public transportations are open all night and so are many places like museums, theatres, shops and more. There are stages set outside with live bands, big inflatable spheres that turn out to be dance floors. Most of the activities are free and you can just wander around... There are people everywhere and it's kind of magical, even when it's freezing cold"
"That sounds great!"
"It really is! All the galleries open and free, everyone in such festive mood... I can't explain it properly"
"You're doing a good job..."
"Thanks" Naomi smiled. "And then, in the summer, the weather gets sticky hot and there are even more festivals. World festivals like the african nights or other ones like the jazz festival. In the summer, you can walk downtown and almost all the streets are closed off to cars. You can be strolling outside one day and stumble upon like... dozens of shows. All of which are free... It's just... kinda great. There are more people in the streets at midnight than noon. Oh and the food really is marvellous!" the blonde finished happily.
Emily looked at her dreamily.
"Wow..." she muttered with a sigh. "This all sounds... so amazing"
Emily stayed quiet for a bit after that and Naomi didn't add anything. She looked at her though. The redhead could feel the blue eyes on her. She wasn't sure if it was for this reason she continued her previous thought.
"All your travels... Everything you've done, everywhere you've been... It sounds... It sounds magical, something out of a book, you know? You've seen things I can't even imagine..." She said wistfully.
Naomi didn't say anything, but it was clear from the way she was twisting her mouth that there was something on her mind.
"What?" Emily asked her, an eyebrow rising.
"I'm just wondering... Why don't you, you know, do it... All the travels, all the adventures... You could do it too Ems..." Naomi suggested, her expression completely serious.
For a minute, Emily let herself imagine it. She didn't even have to close her eyes to see herself, hair tied into a ponytail, a large backpack on her shoulders, a wide grin on her face, about to board a train or walking along a dirt road. She could see herself overlooking mountains in Switzerland or walking through fields in Thailand. She could see herself looking at maps in confusion or stumbling into a foreign bed at night, her body aching and exhausted, but also bursting with passion and happiness.
For a minute there, she imagined it all. She let herself soak in the feeling of what a life as a nomad would feel like. And as she imagined it, she saw, right by her side, Naomi smiling, Naomi with her. She shivered.
Once the minute had passed Emily's reality shifted back into place and instead of travelling she saw herself in a home. She saw herself taking pictures, building projects. She saw her family, she saw kids. This time, she couldn't recognise anyone standing by her side.
She sighed and shook her head.
"I... it sounds wonderful when I think about it quickly, but... but I don't think it would make me happy in the long run, you know?" Emily told the blonde.
"Oh? Why not?" Naomi asked, looking genuinely curious.
"I'm not sure I could deal with a life like that... It sounds good, like fun... but it sounds... I don't know... lonely." she shrugged.
"Lonely how?"
"Well... If you're always on the move, you're never really anywhere, are you? It's like you're leaving trails of yourself a bit everywhere, but you don't belong anywhere... I think... I think I'd like to travel... Make a trip or something, a few even, but always be moving? I'm not sure that's what I want..." She admitted.
Naomi tilted her head to the side before asking:
"And what is it that you want?"
"I just want something strong and stable... I mean... I want to build a life... I want to find someone and I want to be with them... I want to invest my entire heart. I want to find that one person that makes my entire body vibrate with only a smile or a look. I want to find someone who I can trust with everything and with whom I can share anything, you know? I don't know... just develop this something so special that even a walk in the park feels special... And I guess one day I'd like to have a family, have kids and love them with all my heart... Just... simple life, filled with love really..." Emily finished.
As her words faded, she noticed how intently Naomi had been looking at her. She saw something flash into her eyes, but she couldn't figure what it was. After a few seconds, the blonde broke the silence.
"I have to admit... I find the idea a bit terrifying" She chuckled.
Emily smiled and chuckled along, but she felt sure that fear wasn't the emotion she'd seen on the other girl's face.
"What's so terrifying about it?" she asked.
"Dunno" Naomi replied with a shrug. "It sounds so... settled..."
"Bit afraid of commitment, aren't you Naomi?" Emily asked with a faint smile.
Somehow though, even if she was smiling, her heart felt heavy.
"I guess..." the blonde chuckled.
"Don't you ever..."
"Yeah?"
"Well... don't you ever feel, you know, lonely?" Emily asked tentatively.
Naomi pursed her lips together and shrugged.
"Not really..."she said vaguely. "I'm best on my own... and when I feel like I need company, I find some so..."
She shrugged again and Emily nodded slowly. The blonde looked awfully serious now though.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked that" the redhead said, suddenly feeling like a twat.
"Don't apologise" Naomi brushed off. "You can ask me anything"
"Yeah, but that was personal and-"
"Ems!" she interrupted. "You can ask me anything" she repeated. "Okay?"
"Okay..." the redhead confirmed with a smile.
After that, they chatted easily. They didn't bring up Emily's break up or Naomi's nomadic ways and it was better that way. They talked and laughed. They looked at some dancing couples, they smiled. Naomi asked Emily about her photography projects and told her about her favourite shots of the year.
It was easy and comfortable, just like every time they'd seen each other over the passing years. And sure enough, they stayed and talked until the lights flashed and it was time to go.
They walked together to the door and stepped outside. Naomi took out a pack of fags from her pocket but when she caught Emily's pursed lips, she smirked and placed it back into her pocket. The redhead smiled gratefully.
Then, the blonde stepped towards her and circled her shoulders. Emily snaked her arms around her waist and a sigh escaped her lips. Why was it so comfortable in Naomi's arms? Not for the first time, the redhead found herself wishing the friendship she shared with Naomi wasn't just a once a year thing.
Before they parted, Emily felt Naomi shift a bit, her chin lowering so her lips were just above her ear.
"Promise me to take care of yourself, yeah?" she whispered.
Emily nodded into her.
"Clara was a fool to let you go... and I know you're hurting right now, but promise me you'll take care of yourself and bounce right back from this, okay? Everything you're dreaming of... I can't imagine you wouldn't get it. All of it."
Emily squeezed her tighter and her throat burned. She didn't reply, just nodded again. She felt Naomi's arms squeeze her one last time before letting go.
"See you next year, Fitch" the blonde smirked, hands safely back into her pockets as she started walking away.
Emily grinned.
"Yeah, see you..." she muttered.
She watched until Naomi was out of sight and then hailed a taxi. Once she was safely sat inside it, she let herself relax.
Naomi had been right. She had to bounce back from this. Bounce back from Clara, take advantage of the break up to make sure her life was how she wanted it to be.
Emily smiled widely. Her life would be different next year, she could feel it.
.
.
8 down 4 to go. I will get through this even though it's definitely not Christmas anymore. Oh whatever! Comments?
Hope you have a tremendous week! xx