Chapter 9

I sat at the bar in O'Malley's Place with a scotch in front of me. It was just one of several that I thought I'd have before I left and went back to the boatshed. I looked into the mirror and back out onto the floor of the pub. O'Malley's is your every day Irish Pub. It is loud and boisterous or quiet and serene, but here's the thing, you can be alone here as well. There is always something going on but if you seem like you want to be left out, you will be. Like I said, alone, and that is just what me and my mood wanted tonight.

Earlier I'd spent the evening with my wife, daughter and the rest of my family and it left me emotionally drained. I had wanted to go home to them but my pigheaded behavior made that difficult and because of that Sara pulled away emotionally so I never knew where I stood with her. Michelle Hanna says the way is clear to go home but it never seems that way. I'd play with Gretchen and Sara would go do laundry, clean the bathroom, tidy up toys or anything else to not be in the same room with me.

I picked up my glass to take a sip and felt a presence at my left shoulder. I didn't even look up, I didn't have to. I knew who was there and because of that my tone grew cold and surly. "What do you want Deeks?" I made sure he knew my displeasure with being harassed by him once again.

Deeks gave me a smile but his heart wasn't in it. I had the impression he'd rather not be here. "Where's your beer?" He moved in and picked up my glass to smell it. "Isn't scotch for a reward or a celebration? How many is that two or three?" It irritated me that he would touch my drink but made no move to stop him, I just got quieter. When I wouldn't answer he looked to Frank, the bartender, and Frank shook his head no. Deeks pulled back his jacket showing his shield. "Frankie…. how many?" The bartender mumbled an expletive under his breath and then motioned with three fingers. "Thanks Frankie." He turned back to me. "So.. three it is." Deeks bit his bottom lip, leaned against the bar and glanced around the room. He looked like something he had to say didn't taste good in his mouth so he decided to spit it out.

This bar was the place where we came to celebrate after tough missions or personal victories but he knew I wasn't celebrating any of those. I was battling personal demons and I knew that Deeks wanted to help me. He always found me and shamed me into going back to the boatshed; but he wouldn't tonight. I felt particularly down tonight and didn't want to give in so easily. My visit with my family tonight seemed so final to me and I didn't want it to be. I needed them back. I just didn't know how to go about that any more.

Deeks turned around and sat on the next barstool and waved the bartender on. He kept his eyes in the mirror behind the bar but they met mine. "This is not the way to solve your problems. I found that out the hard way." He'd put a lot of emphasis on the word not. It resonated with pain, but not just my pain, it felt like his as well.

I was in no mood for his diatribe on the use of alcohol to dull my pain. I'd heard it before from him. I looked ahead at the bottles behind the bar. I understood what Marty was trying to do but I needed to blunt my pain and this way seemed the easiest. I turned to him and snarled. Most people know that when I snarl you leave me the hell alone; but not him. When he didn't flinch I laid into him. "How so, Deeks? When did you last put your family in harm's way and didn't know how to fix it? When?... When did you go home and find a bomb in your kitchen, huh?" I shook my head and turned my body and my gaze away from the mirror and onto the dance floor. "Why do you give a damn? Just go home and leave me the hell alone?"

Deeks smiled a sad, sad smile. "Believe it or not I went through just what you're doing now. I tried to drink my pain and sorrow away. Right after Hetty and Granger sent Kensi to Afghanistan I began having trouble sleeping. I couldn't call her and talk us to sleep like I used to. I felt alone with no one to help me. After a while a bar seemed a great place. I would go to Casey's around the corner from Kensi's place and have a few. I never realized how alone you can feel with so many people around you. Casey shut me off a few nights and I had to call someone to come get me. They picked me up at the bar several times, drove me home and put me to bed. She'd pick me up again in the morning to take me back for my car. Finally, she'd had enough. She waited for me to sober up and laid into me."

I saw him think long and hard about what he needed to say. "I didn't put my family at risk and neither did you. Our jobs are dangerous and we work for a person who crosses the boundaries between our private lives and our professional ones every damn day. That makes our jobs even more dangerous. Let's solve your problem," He reached for my glass and took it from me. "not drown it. There is no help in a bottle and you should know that by now. It's been almost two months and you need to go home. Sara needs you and you need her. Let's go." He met my eyes and smiled.

I chuckled at the audacity of the young detective. Even Sam wouldn't have dared to cross the line between work and my personal life, but here Deeks sat, not as a co-worker, but as my brother. I wondered why and I have to admit that I was a bit sarcastic and uncivil with him. I gave him my 'I'm pissed with you look' and again not so much as a hiccup from him. He just marched on. Again I gave him the sarcastic approach. "So did you draw the short straw, you know, to talk to me? Why exactly are you doing this and if you're doing this on your own, how friggin dare you?"

Deeks smiled and this time his smile met his eyes. "No one put me up to it. Sara called and talked with Kensi. I overheard it and Kensi and I decided you needed the help. I dared to do this to help a friend through a hard time. You're in pain and drinking to oblivion is not helping you nor will it ever. I learned that from a small, tough, but wise little ginger haired woman. She threatened to kick my ass and I do believe she'd have done it. Do I need to sic her on you?"

I started to laugh at the thought and for the first time in two months it felt good. Leave it to Marty to make me laugh. "No, don't sic her on me. She's like a young Hetty and I really don't need that right now."

Deeks enjoyed the sound of my laughter. He later told me that there had been lightness to it that he hadn't heard from me in a long time and that it gave him hope. "Come on, pay your tab and I'll drive you home. Kensi will pick me up later at the boatshed."

I turned to look at Deeks and for the first time I truly saw how damaged he was. It was equal to my level of pain and I appreciated that in him. He'd found his way back with help from people like Nell. Now I would do it with help from him. I threw some cash on the bar. "Hey Deeks, thanks. I think I needed that. Now, would you please take me home?" I still was having a hard time thinking that Nell could take him. "So,… Nell would have kicked your ass?"

Deeks laughed his low rumbly laugh. "Don't discount it my friend. She took down Sam the other day."

Both of us left the bar laughing at that mental image.

Deeks drove me back to the boatshed in my car. He came inside and waited until Kensi came to get him. She arrived at the boat shed a short time after we did. She raced inside to make sure that I was in one piece and then dragged Deeks out of there and back home.

After the two of them left I walked out to the end of the pier behind the boatshed to get a look at the night sky. Not a soul in the office would ever figure me for an outdoorsy kind of guy but I really love it. I've loved it even more since I met Sara. She loves camping and star-gazing and because of her I've learned a few things about the cosmos. The number one thing I learned is that I like star-gazing a whole lot more with her than without her.

I could see a few stars but a haze of clouds covered the sky. Los Angeles is not one of the better places for stars due to the light pollution but it still makes me feel small and inconsequential. When Sara and I want to see stars we pack up and head for Death Valley. It is beautiful in a very surreal way. The mountains and vistas make you feel alive but wary of what life offers. In a way that is what I felt tonight. I began to wonder how to get past my pigheadedness and make amends to my wife. I still feel that I should have been told but I miss them so much and I'm yet again missing the pregnancy of this new baby.

While out viewing the night sky I thought about what Deeks had said to me. He hit the nail on the head when he told to me to solve the problem not drown it. I needed to resolve my feelings so I vowed on all the stars in the heavens that night that I would straighten myself out, no more drinking, find a way to get back home and make this up to Sara. I admitted to myself that I'd been an ass.

I made my way inside, set up the coffee pot for the morning and went to bed. For the first time in two months I slept a sound sleep and woke up refreshed and invigorated to finally get on with our lives.