This story was not designed to be read while actually listening to Iris by Goo Goo dolls, but you can do it anyways
VI. And all I can breathe is your life
Evan always felt a bit frustrated with how people worked, but like every rule, it had its exception; one that came in the shape of Connor Murphy. Connor made sense, Connor understood that sometimes Evan didn't want to do words, Connor listened and shared, Connor knew that Evan used contact as a way to make sure things were real but that he never had the guts to initiate when he actually needed it, and Connor never made Evan feel like a disappointment.
It was odd, and made Evan question his mental health, that Evan was so sure of Connor's feelings towards him when it was his nature to second guess everything else. Evan wanted to disappear mainly so he would stop being a bother, but he also wanted to make everything just stop, and he couldn't do that alone; and Connor couldn't either.
They needed each other, it was that easy, and they both knew that relying on each other so much would only make them sink faster, but at some point they agreed that they didn't care. So now, now that they were finally moving towards their goal, now Evan could admit to himself that he was completely and irrevocably in love with Connor.
Connor loved dancing, a love that had to be repressed to protect Connor's heart, but Evan loved Connor, so he made it a point to add a special request to their list, and now here they were.
It was after their camping trip, which lasted three days, and had been entirely for Evan's sake; Connor wouldn't be able to convince him otherwise. They found a place that had thematic dance parties, the one they got tickets for was a 20's style, they were provided with proper clothes, and wasted most of their stay attempting to imitate the more professional couples, but Connor spent the entire night positively beaming, so Evan didn't care.
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The hotel had only one room left, one with a single bed, and maybe in the morning accepting it would come to bite them in their asses, but right now any bed was a good bed, and it was a universally known fact that queen/king sized beds were the most comfortable.
They stumble into their night clothes, climb inside the bedsheets, and gravitate towards each other, and all is silent.
In this moment where it feels as though their hearts have synchronized, and their breathings even in harmony; Evan is hit with a memory of a first night spent like this, in a much smaller bed, there had been a lot less smiling that day.
It was on a particularly bad day, back when their plan was still on progress, how Connor managed to sneak from his house to Evan's, and then back later, without anyone noticing would forever remain a mystery. Connor had been shaking when Evan opened the window to him, but it wasn't the cold, Evan had stepped away to let him through, closed the window, and wordlessly leaded him to the bed; it was when he found himself rubbing comforting circles against Connor's back on his too tiny bed that he realized he was in love with Connor.
Now, months later, tangled into the taller boy, Evan almost wondered why it took him so long to realize it; now as he watched Connor failing at staying awake, he wonders how he could have ever thought he loved anyone else.
No, Evan's heart had been Connor's the moment Connor decided to approach him in rehab, and then decided to keep approaching him, and then to befriend Evan, and then to keep that relationship going. Evan fell in love the moment he realized someone cared for him, no strings attached; even if their shared end goal was terminal.