Harry Potter and The Unmentionables

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Co belong to JK Rowling

Author's notes: Errrr... Um... well... Eh heh.

-o-o-o-

Vernon Dursley blinked for a moment as he stared at the figure standing there at the door and couldn't quite decide just how he wanted to react. Quite obviously, the man, decked out in a purple, crushed velvet suit, trimmed with white tiger striped faux fur was one of the freaks like the boy. The thick, horn rimmed glasses and the shaggy wild hair looked even less tamed than his nephew's did, and the bright white alligator hide shoes attracted almost as much attention as the thick gold rings on his fingers.

That alone was normally enough to send him into a frothing rage that would have purpled his face as he sent the man packing.

However, his companions were another story entirely. Tall, athletic and curvy in all the right places, their soft, creamy flesh was hugged oh so tightly by black leather catsuits unzipped just enough to show an ever so pleasant amount of cleavage. One brunette, the other blonde, they flanked the man on either side, their spike heeled boots putting them at the same height as their male companion, each of them meeting Vernon directly in the eyes.

The mix of signals caused the man to freeze up for a moment and miss exactly what it was the so garishly clad man had said. "Excuse me, what did you just say?"

"Why, my good man, you really should look into getting your hearing checked then, terribly bad thing to lose you know." The man nodded his head pleasantly as he would reach down, lightly patting a massive black dog Vernon hadn't noticed until now at his side. "I said, we're here to speak with Harry Potter."

"The boy?" Vernon blinked slightly, still in a daze as the words blurted past his lips and he stared incredulously at the man even as his face began to swell. "I won't have any of that freakishness in my house!"

"Freakishness?" The man blinked slightly before glancing down at the dog at his side. "Now now, Padfoot, that's hardly an appropriate thing to say!"

The dog, who had never even so much as made a sound as far as Vernon could tell, cocked his head to the side and looked back up at the man, who immediately straightened up. "Now, shirley you..."

Teeth were bared then as the dog glared back at the velvet clad man, who again paused, before pouting just a bit. "Ok, fine, I won't call you Shirley anymore. But you don't get to make any serious jokes."

"Thank Merlin for small favors." The brunette woman, who had a kind of ageless beauty to her that Vernon couldn't quite describe.

Both dog and man turned their heads back in unison at the woman while both somehow managed to convey the image of pouting in perfect unison as the man spoke. "Now that's just mean, Rom."

"Boys, we ARE on a bit of a schedule here." The blonde spoke up, her aristocratically beautiful features cool and aloof as she lightly glanced down at a delicate silver watch slung about her wrist. "And I do have places to be."

"Ah, right, right, Cis." The man quickly nodded his head, before holding up a purple cane, topped with a sparkling, miniature disco ball as he looked apologetically at Vernon. "Timetables to keep, you understand."

As Vernon opened his mouth to answer, the velvet clad man swiftly rapped the walrus-like man on the center of his forehead. Immediately, the massive man went as stiff as a board, before falling backwards with a distinctly wooden sound as bounced slightly as he impacted the ground. Nodding in satisfaction, the man stepped casually up onto the man, then over as he entered into the home without another moment's hesitation.

Pausing, he frowned just a bit and couldn't help but give off a shudder as he took in the décor of the room. "They decorate their homes like this, and they call US freaks?" He glanced back, just in time to see the large black dog lifting his leg over the frozen Dursley's face. "Padfoot!"

The dog immediately froze in place, before slowly turning his head and glancing towards the scolding look in the man's eyes. "You know better than that!" The man shook his head with obvious disapproval as the dog hung his head in shame. "If you needed to go so badly, you should have gone before the mission, now put that leg down!" When the dog seemed to pout, but none-the-less lowered his leg, the man nodded in approval and continued. "Of course, as soon as we have our meeting, the mission will be over and you'll be off the clock."

Instantly, the dog bounded over the frozen Vernon and raced eagerly up the stairs, before looking back down at them with a look of extreme impatience on his face. Sighing slightly, the man shook his head and pointedly ignored the look of horror on the horse faced woman who'd just walked in from the kitchen as he held his hand out and helped first the brunette then the blonde over the obstacle. "Careful there, a bit of a step that is."

"That's an understatement." The blonde muttered with more than a slight bit of sarcasm in her voice as she lightly glanced down at the man, before huffing slightly in disdain.

"W-who are you people?! What've you done to my husband?!" The horse faced woman stared in wide eyed shock as she beheld the freakishly garbed people so brazenly gallivanting in her home. "G-GET OUT!"

"Hmm... Ugly bird, isn't she?" The man noted with a shrug as he turned on his heel and pointedly ignored the woman's demand. "Would one of you ladies be a dear and deal with her?"

"Well, I suppose we really should," the brunette said as she lightly tapped on her chin. "He did go and take care of the walrus for us."

"And he was gentlemanly to make sure we didn't fall," the blonde readily agreed before frowning slightly. "He's up to something, obviously."

"Up to something?" The man echoed, blinking innocently back at the women. "Why, whatever could possibly make you say that?"

"You're being gentlemanly," the blonde answered with a knowing nod of her head before she suddenly pulled out a feather duster from somewhere, and handed it over to Vernon's still stunned wife's open hands. "Be a good housewife and start cleaning up the mess, will you dear?"

"I… I… Ah… Oui, but of course." The woman's voice suddenly found itself afflicted by a slight French tilt as she curtsied politely to the blonde then began to obliviously dust around the room.

"You frogged her?" The man winced as he glanced at the blonde. "Now, that was simply cruel and unusual, Cis."

"I swear, you're as bad as my husband is sometimes." The blonde rolled her eyes again as she casually began to sway up the stares. "How do you put up with it, Rom? All that pomp and bluster about the French this and the French that?"

"They are a superstitious, cowardly lot!" The man immediately protested again as he huffed slightly. "Always dragging us into their messes because they fumbled the ball!"

"Don't mind him, he's just especially sensitive about it considering one of our daughter's new partners." The brunette shook her head and chuckled slightly as she lightly leaned against the banister. "She really is quite the bright and well mannered girl. Though, it does seem like she keeps her wand shoved up her tight little ass. Reminds me of a certain someone I know and love."

"Bite me, Rom." Eyes flashing the blonde woman glared at the brunette before glancing over at the man and dog. "So are we going to get on with this already? Some of us DO have schedules to keep you know."

"I swear she's doing that just to get a rise out of me, you know that don't you, love?" The man in purple shook his head in exasperation. "It's hardly my fault your husband can't discipline you properly, Cis."

Her eye twitching slightly, the blonde actually growled back at the man, who grinned cheekily back at her before casually rapping his cane against the well locked door and smiling at the rapid clicks of locks turning sounded before the door swung in. Twirling his cane for a moment, the man sent a wink at the blonde before turning to face the room, only to immediately find a wand practically jabbing into his nose.

For a moment, he crossed his eyes and stared down at the wooden stick, before following the hand that held it all the way to a pair of flashing emerald eyes. "Who're you and what do you want?"

"My, quick little fellow, isn't he?" The man blinked for a moment before nervously nudging the snickering dog at his foot. "I do believe that's your cue?"

The dog barked suddenly, catching Harry's attention for the moment, as the wand never wavered, even as a flash of recognition fell across his eyes. "Hello, dog that may or may not be Snuffles."

The dog immediately snorted and looked affronted as he let off a soft whine at the boy, who refused to budge an inch. "Nu uh. You've got 5 seconds to transform and start telling me the name of my Patronus. Or I start cursing. 5…"

"Easy there, Harry!" Suddenly in an instant the dog was gone and in it's place was a gaunt, wry man. "It's Prongs!"

Relaxing visibly, Harry nodded his head, his want dropping before he suddenly kicked Sirius rather viciously in the shin. "That's for not writing me all summer."

Yelping suddenly, Sirius began to immediately hop on his uninjured foot, while clutching his shin. "Owww! You don't have to be so mean about it!"

"Excuse me for being a trifle upset at being stuck in this bloody room all bloody summer without even the smallest bit of contact from ANYONE but those bloody Dursleys!" Harry snapped back before glancing at the pair of amused looking women and the garishly dressed man who was struggling not to laugh. "So, who're your friends, and you had better be here to bloody get me away from this place before I go completely nutters." Harry paused a moment before shaking his head. "Not that I'm probably not already considering I'm not in the least bit shocked or surprised at seeing wizards dressed like that of all things."

"Hmph! I'll have you know this was the epitome of style and fashion…" The man immediately began before the brunette cut him off with a snicker.

"Eh, don't mind Ted, he still refuses to admit the 70s are dead and gone." Chuckling softly the tightly dressed woman lightly gestured to herself. "I'm Rommie, and this is my sister, Cissy."

"Charmed, I'm sure." Harry said flippantly as he took a moment to rub at his scar before gesturing sarcastically to his room before shuffling in. "Please, do come in."

Sirius frowned slightly as he took in the room and glanced around it, before turning his head and glaring angrily back towards the stairs. Catching Sirius' look, Harry waved his hand dismissively. "Give it a rest, Padfoot. They treat me like shit, always have. So, going to tell me what all this is about, and why I've been pretty much abandoned by my friends?"

"Ah yes, that is a bit of a sticky wicket." Ted spoke up as he twirled his cane in hand. "You see, a certain bearded man, who shall of course remain nameless…"

"To any reference but Dumbledore." Harry filled in sarcastically as he snorted slightly. "Right, what did the barmey ole coot do THIS time?"

"Harry, are you feeling all right?" Sirius cut in as he eyed the boy very, very carefully. "You're not… exactly acting like yourself."

"And, no offense, godfather, but how would you know?" Harry shot back as he glared lightly at the man before flopping down on the thing he called a bed. "You've spent a grand total of what... 3 hours with me since that Halloween?"

Sirius immediately winced again as he hung his head slightly. "Well, not like the Harry your friends have been describing to me."

"Oh, so they've been spending time with you, but me? Me I get stuck with the Dursleys?" Harry glared even more angrily at the man. "Gee, that makes me feel oh so bloody wonderful."

"Hey! Dumbledore's been keeping me as much of a prisoner as you! If it hadn't been for Ted and my cousins here, I'd still be stuck in that bloody awful place, forced to endure the foul shrieking of my mother's portrait and the insanity of her house elf!"

"Aunt Walpurgia always was a bit... vocal." Rommie agreed with a nod of her head as she lightly glanced at her nails. "Horrible, horrible woman."

"Yes, yes... Boo hoo, she cast you both out of the family. Wah wah." Cissy spoke up as she rolled her eyes. "Honestly, if you disliked our relatives so much, why do you even care?"

"It's the principal of the matter," Sirius responded hotly as he glared at the blonde. "Besides, you wouldn't understand. You're the one that got to stay."

"Yes, because I some how managed to allow myself to be conned into my bloody deep cover assignment to a greedy, inept little man who has little to no understanding about how to properly pleasure a woman." Cissy shot back with a twitch before shaking her head. "And sadly, our son takes after his father."

"Do they often completely forget that they're not alone?" Harry asked Ted curiously as the three relatives bickered back and forth.

"Quite." Ted agreed with a nod of his head and a sudden, silly grin. "It's more amusing when it's just Rommie and Cissy. Their cat fights are legendary."

"... I'll take your word on it." Harry agreed evasively as he suddenly poked at Sirius. "So, if you were a prisoner, how the hell did you get here, now?"

"Hmm? Oh, Rommie's daughter told them what was going on. So, they sprung me, and naturally I insisted that we immediately, like-wise, spring you." Sirius answered with an easy grin on his lips. "So, here we are! Ready to go?"

Harry stared back at his godfather, before pinching the bridge of his nose. "You know, I've spent the entire summer bloody alone, with the headache from bloody hell that won't leave me the hell alone, and nightmares like you wouldn't bloody believe. Now, all of a sudden, you show up, happy as can be, and ask me if I'm ready to bloody go?!"

"Um, yes?" Sirius offered helpfully with an innocent smile on his lips.

"... You're bloody packing my things then." Harry grumbled back at the man before crouching down to work off a floorboard and prying loose a board to gather the things he kept in it. "Of all the bloody things... What the was that old coot thinking anyway? Leaving me all alone?!"

"Well, technically you've been watched by his little Order." Ted spoke up helpfully as he shrugged his shoulders. "He just forbid them from having any contact with you."

"... Is there another school I could transfer to?" Harry spoke up, hopefully as he glanced at his godfather. "I know I can't go to Durmstrang because I'm not a pureblood, but, how about Beaux-"

Harry's mouth was immediately covered by Rommie's and Cissy's hands while they both sent quick, withering glares at Ted, before the man could open his mouth. Rommie turned her head back to Harry, and then offered him an apologetic smile. "Sorry, just no mentioning of anything French around Ted. He tends to be a tad... Sensitive about the subject."

"Bloody frogs." Ted could be heard muttering slightly under his breath.

"... And what exactly is your problem with the French?" Harry was suddenly affixing the man was a boiling glare that seemed to make Ted shrink in size while the rest of the group took a step back.

"They're bloody, cowardly frogs!" Ted shot back, glaring in defiance of the boy's temper as he crossed his arms about his chest and nodded firmly.

Or at least he did until a wave what felt like anger fueled magic slammed down on him as Harry fixed him with Sirius would later describe as the Full-On-Lily-Glare-Of-Doom and spoke. "I happen to know a couple of French witches. I know for a fact that they are most assuredly the opposite of cowardly. If I hear you with that bloody balderdash coming out of your mouth again, I WILL make you regret it, am, I , CLEAR?"

Ted blinked a moment, before turning his head and glancing at Sirius. "Right then, down right terrifying when pissed off, anything else you've failed to mention about him?"

"Well, as I understand it, he's gone through the entire gambit of Unforgivables." Sirius offered helpfully. "All from Voldemort himself. Threw off the Imperius, got back up from the Cruciatus..."

"Yes, yes, and everyone knows how I got this bloody scar." Harry muttered a bit and shook his head as he glared lightly at his godfather. "I've also killed a 1,000 year old basilisk that used to belong to Salazaar Slytherin with a metal, pointy stick that used to belong to Godric Gryffindor, driven off a bunch of Dementors to save myself and my dog of a godfather, after he lead one into my Quidditch match and cost me the game I might add." Harry paused a moment before lightly tapping his lower lip. "Let's see, pissed off that horntail, but that's public knowledge. Saved a French quarter veela from a lake..."

Harry paused again, before sending another glare at Ted. "Not one word." Seeing the man quickly holding up his hand in surrender Harry shrugged his shoulders. "And a host of other bouts of insanity I've had to endure. Now, what the bloody hell is all this about?"

"Cheeky little man, isn't he?" Cissy noted with a smirk on her lips as she lightly cupped her chin and slowly looked him up and down. "Ah, if only I were a couple of decades younger."

"Since when has that stopped you?" Rommie countered with a slight smirk as she glanced at her sister.

"Well, given the fact that he IS one of my son's classmates, even I do have to draw the line somewhere." Cissy answered as she lightly examined her nails. "Besides, I may not like Draco too terribly much, but I do still love my son."

"... Malfoy?" Harry blinked a moment, before turning his head and staring incredulously at his godfather. "You brought the wife of a bloody DEATHEATER here?!"

"Really, why do you think I was assigned to marry him?" Cissy rolled her eyes and smirked a bit back at the boy. "It certainly wasn't because of his sterling personality and business ethics."

"Besides, she's still my cousin." Sirius spoke up with a shrug, before Rommie quickly smirked back at him as she countered his point.

"So's Bellatrix, remember?"

"Ugh, I try to forget that little apple of the family tree." Sirius shot back with a grumbling grunt.

"So, again, what the BLOODY hell is going on with all this?" Harry cut in once more as he glared at his godfather.

"Well, Harry, have you ever heard of the Unspeakables?" Ted spoke up, lightly glancing as his disco ball cane.

"Not even a peep." Harry shot back as he crossed his arms about his chest. "What would that have to do with this."

"Well, surprisingly little to be honest. Bunch of stuck up ponces that like the pretend they're in the spy game you see." Ted lightly twirled his cane a moment, before grinning back at Harry. "But you see, while they are the Unspeakables... We, my boy, are the Unmentionables!"

"... Is he serious?" Harry couldn't help but ask as he stared in disbelief at his godfather.

"Of course not. I'm Sirius," Sirius responded with a huff as he crossed his arms about his chest.

"Now, Shirley you can't..." Ted immediately started.

"And don't call me Shirley!" Sirius countered with another huff and a glare.

"Well, then don't make with the serious jokes." Ted countered as he grumbled a bit. "The wordplay department is still up in arms about your last reports."

"Would you believe it wasn't me?" Sirius offered up with a hopeful grin on his lips.

"Indubitably, I would." Ted agreed with a nod of his head. "If I wasn't intimately familiar for your propensity for punning out your name, like it was some common strumpet."

"And people call ME bloody insane." Harry muttered under his breath as he eyed the two men.

"Oh, heard about the Prophet then?" Rommie noted as she idly glanced at her nails.

"Wait, what's the Prophet printing THIS time?" Harry turned his full attention onto Rommie with an almost frightening intensity.

"Oh, just that you're a lying, attention seeking little glory hound while implying that you were responsible for the Diggory boy's death and you completely and utterly made up the story about Voldemort's return." Cissy noted as she glanced at her own nails. "Doesn't help but that Fudge has been claiming the exact same thing."

"Ugh. I told that..." Harry paused a moment, before just shaking his head. "You know what? They can all sod off to hell for all I care."

"Well, that's not exactly the attitude we were hoping you'd have..." Rommie spoke up as she carefully eyed the boy. "We WERE hoping you'd have a bit more interest in helping out."

"It might've helped if I actually had some contact with people over the summer." Harry shot back. "Instead of, you know, being left to rot here while they're off doing whatever it is they're doing, listening to a daft fool that thinks he knows what's best for me. Seriously why the bloody hell does he even HAVE a say in what happens to me?!"

"He plays the Merlin card." Ted spoke up helpfully, before explaining as Harry stared back at him in disbelief. "Powerful, knowledgeable, kindly old wizard, acting in people's best interests. Plus, he's, or at least he was, Supreme Mugwump as well as Headmaster of Hogwarts."

"Yes yes, blindly follow the old coot who beat a Dark Lord half a century ago." Sirius muttered slightly under his breath. "Never mind how he left a newly orphaned wizarding child with a family that knows of and absolutely hates magic."

"Right then." Harry cut in once more as he glanced between the collection of rather... eclectic wizarding folks in front of him. "So, what do these Unmentionables have to do with me?"

"Why, we want you to join us of course!" Ted shot back as if it were the most obvious answer in the world. "We of course offer a wonderful benefits package and signing bonus."

"Um, to do what exactly?" Harry asked curiously as he eyed the group. "Because, I AM still a student you know, not a fully trained wizard."

"Eh, the training we'd give you." Rommie spoke up with a bemused grin on her face. "And you've already faced more than most of our more senior agents, so..."

"Again, to do what exactly?" Harry reiterated as he crossed his arms lightly about his chest.

"Why, to save the world of course!" Sirius spoke up with the biggest grin on his face. "Oh, it's absolutely marvelous Harry, the benefits alone...!"

"Now now, Sirius! No spoiling the surprises!" Ted chided lightly. "Besides, if you tell him anything and he says no, we'll have to oblivate him."

"Um, just for the record, the last person to try to oblivate me is in St. Mungos, lacking, well... much of anything left in his head." Harry offered up neutrally as he lightly glanced at the group. "Just to make certain you're aware of that fact should you try."

Ted opened his mouth again, before shutting it as he glanced at Sirius. "You didn't mention that little tidbit."

"I didn't know that particular little tidbit." Sirius countered as he glanced at is godson. "How on earth did you manage that?"

"Was really rather easy." Harry answered, suddenly offering a rather serene little smile back at them. "But, really, I'm afraid I can't tell you. Hush, hush you know. I'm sure you understand."

"You're right, Sirius, he is a complete natural at this." Cissy chuckled as she eyed the boy.

"Well, one does tend to do what comes naturally." Harry answered the woman back as he took a moment to study her. "And for some reason, I find myself with the oddest urge to ask you when was the last time you encountered someone who did that for you."

"Oh yes, he's quite the natural." Rommie admitted as she eyed the boy speculatively as Cissy seemed to blink in shock. "A bit rough around the edges, but I'm sure we can polish that right out."

"I call dibs on his infiltration training." Cissy spoke up quickly, suddenly eying the boy with a hungry gleam in her eyes.

"I thought he was too young for you, hmmm, Cissy?" Rommie countered teasingly as she winked at her sister.

"That was before he decided to show off his talented.... mouth." Cissy countered with a slight smirk on her lips.

"Ah, then I'll have to endeavor to rise to the occasion." Harry agreed with a nod of his head before he would smile almost rakishly at the woman. "However many times it might take to insure you're properly... satisfied with the end results."

Sirius stared at his godson, opening his mouth and gaping like a fish in absolute disbelief. Seeing the gobsmacked expression on his godfather's face, Harry smiled back at the man. "What can I say? I've always been a bit of a Bond fan."

"Ah." Ted immediately nodded his head in understanding before smirking a bit at Sirius. "Yes, quite right, he is a natural."

"So, again, saving the world?" Harry offered curiously as he arched a brow.

"As in the typical Bond-esque adventures." Ted agreed as he arched a brow and grinned at the boy. "Interested?"

"Hmm... What's the pay like?" Harry asked curiously as he studied the man carefully.

"Harry... you do realize that your father let you no small amount of inheritance, yes?" Sirius stared at the boy for a moment, before shaking his head. "Your grandparents were quite savvy business-wise."

"If you start with it's not about the pay, about but about honor and duty... " Harry warned as glared lightly at his godfather.

"Oh, nothing of the sort." Ted spoke up quickly. "The pay is actually quite good. Paid training included as well. Not to mention the, ahem, benefits."

"And again, you allude to benefits." Harry paused a moment, before eying the group, while Sirius snickered then whistled innocently.

"Well, we can't tell you that much about them without you accepting." Ted answered simply as he shifted uncomfortably.

"Plus, Ted is rather uncomfortable mentioning what the benefits would include for you specifically." Rommie agreed with a slight smirk on her lips.

"I remember well what happened a number of times with my, ahem, benefits." Ted countered as he eyed Rommie and Cissy meaningfully.

"Why, Ted, darling, I have no idea what you could possibly mean." Cissy answered with an innocent grin on her lips. "Why, Rommie and I were always so well behaved and strictly professional."

"Right. You, professional, uh huh." Sirius cut in with a soft, amused snickering.

"Well, to be perfectly honest. If I say yes, will I ever have to come back here?" Harry asked curiously at the group.

"No."

"Nu uh."

"No reason I can think of."

"Oh bloody HELL no!"

Everyone turned and glanced in amusement at Cissy after they processed her outburst.

"Where do I sign up then?" Harry asked with a curiously amused smirk on his lips.

Author's Notes: A Harry Potter that's a mix of Bond, Get Smart, and Austin Powers...

I couldn't resist.