A/N: Hey guys. Here's another drabble, though it was mostly written just to vent.
WARNING: SUICIDAL MENTIONS, CONTAINS BLOOD AND DARK THEMES. IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY THIS AT ALL, PLEASE DON'T READ.
Song 'Coma Baby' by Nicole Dollaganger.
Still Dead
Coma baby, with your sick head
The doctors saved you, but you're still dead.
Through your scalp, I would like to reach in
So I could pull out the monster you've been…
Green eyes stared down at the hand he held in both of his, a thumb softly brushing across the dried blood crusting on the pale green skin. The hand was limp in his grip, cold to the touch with only faint remnants of warmth that stubbornly lingered.
Raph's gaze traveled up from the hand to his arm. The white bandages Donnie had wrapped around the gashes from his wrist to his bicep were spotted with dark red; the wounds still hadn't fully healed, even after a day. They would need changing soon.
From his arm, Raph's eyes met his pale, numbed face. His eyes shut, his lips slightly parted behind the plastic breathing mask that fogged up with every light breath, his blue mask somewhat ragged on the tails, much like Raph's mask…
Coma baby, the cry of your bones,
And your skull, when it split on the road.
I wish I'd find all the lonely remnants,
Of you that left when your head cracked open…
Swallowing thickly, Raph slid his chair closer to Leonardo's bedside, bringing up the hand he held clasped between his shaking palms to his lips as he stared with glassy eyes at his still body. The sound of the heart monitor's continuous beeping was the only thing that broke the silence hanging over the two brothers in the room. How Raph wished he could fill the silence with something else, something that didn't serve as a reminder of how, of why, they had ended up where they were…
They'd been through countless trails together, the four of them. They'd traveled through dimensions, galaxies, time itself. They'd battled against the creatures of their darkest nightmares, against armies and threats of vast magnitudes, they'd suffered losses, celebrated victories…
They had always somehow managed to overcome everything life saw fit to throw at them, and each time, they drew closer together. There was nothing the world could toss their way that they couldn't see coming or couldn't overcome.
So…why hadn't they seen this coming?
But you would do anything to
destroy the body that they rescued.
Your sick little head, so brain damaged,
And lying in that hospital bed…
Donnie had mentioned something about post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. He'd explained to them all why Leo sometimes acted the way he did – make irrational decisions, all those solo-missions, the moments when his temper suddenly spiked – and what he did when he thought no one was around.
The news had shaken them all to the core. Even Splinter, though he'd retained a calm disposition, was clearly as disturbed and worried as the rest of them.
Raph hadn't been able to grasp it at first, because…the thought of Leo doing these things, suffering the way he was, all the while trying to hide it from the people who loved him, who wanted to help him even though they hadn't even realized it until now…
It made sense, after everything they'd been through – everything Leo been through – but still, Raph just couldn't bring himself to believe it.
Leo was strong. Leo was brave, Leo could handle anything, Leo could do anything…that's what he believed. That what they all believed.
Because Leonardo was their fearless leader…
Lately, I can't recognize you…
Over the last week, Raph had noticed Leo becoming somewhat withdrawn; he'd began to politely turn down invitations to play video games, or watch T.V with the rest of them – even his favorite show Space Heroes – to instead go to his room, saying he was going to 'meditate' for a little while.
At first, Raph had thought nothing of it; he could relate to wanting some alone time. But when said excuses for 'alone time' became more frequent, to the point where to see Leo even come out of his room at all was rare, that's when Raph started to worry.
And worse still, when Leo did come out, he looked warn, distant, years older than he had any right to at seventeen.
Yesterday, Raph had walked into the dojo to find Leo sitting underneath the tree, staring down at his sword on his lap, blue eyes glazed over as he stared at his reflection. The look in his vacant eyes had sent a cold feeling down Raph's spine, but when Leo noticed him standing in the doorway, the look vanished as his older brother smiled at him.
"I'm okay, Raph. I'm just…a little tired, that's all."
Raph had no reason to doubt him then; they'd all been a little restless lately, even more so with the new threats emerging from the criminal underworld to test their limits further. So, Raph had smiled back, joining his brother under the tree.
He'd thought that this was the start of Leo getting out of his funk, getting back on his feet after days of isolation and irregular sleeping/eating patterns.
He'd thought this was the start of getting his brother back.
They found him three hours later in an alleyway, lying in a pool of his own blood, his Katanas soiled with it. It was only when they saw the deep, bloody gashes traveling all the way up his arm that they realized Leo hadn't been attacked.
Leo had done it to himself.
The doctors lied when they said they saved you…
"How is he?"
"He lost a lot of blood. The cuts were deep, but he didn't destroy anything vital. He'll be alright, but he'll need plenty of rest."
"Good…"
"…It wasn't your fault, Raph, none of it was. You…you didn't know he'd do this –"
"Bullroar! I was standing right there, Donnie! I saw him staring down at his sword earlier, looking like a ghost and I didn't…h-he told me he was tired, and I-I just –"
"It wasn't. Your. Fault. You have to believe me, Raph, it wasn't."
"…b-but, but I…you t-told me he was suffering…I-I should've seen the signs before…before he…"
"None of us saw the signs, Raph. Not even April or Splinter could've seen them. But…but blaming ourselves won't do any good. We have to focus on making sure Leonardo recovers."
"…but what if he doesn't?"
"He will. And when he wakes up, we'll be right there with him."
You're just the shell of the boy that you've been…
Had they been a minute later, Leo would've died. He would've bled out on the cold concrete, alone, without even saying goodbye, and Splinter would've had to bury his son.
And despite how much they all told him it wasn't his fault, Raphael continued to blame himself, hate himself, for letting Leo walk right by him, barely sparing him a second glance from where he'd sat in front of the T.V when Leo had announced he was going out for a run.
He should've gotten of his ass and said something, done something, to stop Leo from going, from doing something he'd regret, from leaving them behind, from giving in to the thoughts that plagued him, from thinking for a second that his own flesh and blood didn't care about him…
He should've done something…
Gritting his teeth, Raph bowed his head, shoulders shaking as he fought to keep the sobs at bay, even as the tears cascaded down his cheeks. His grip on Leo's hand tightened, and he squeezed his eyes shut.
"…why, Leo?" Raph whispered brokenly through his tears. "…why the hell would you think we didn't care?"
And you're dying, I can feel it…
Raph wasn't sure when or how he'd fallen asleep, but when he blinked awake, he glanced over at the clock on the wall to see that it was already ten at night. He'd been sat here all day. And not once had he let go of Leo's hand.
With a groan, he sat up from his slouched position, rubbing his eyes with his free hand before glancing back down at –
His heart leapt into his throat, and he almost choked on his own gasp as he froze.
"L-Leo?"
Ocean blue met neon green for the first time in days as Leo looked up at Raph with half-lidded eyes, still drugged with sleep.
"…Raph?" Leo breathed, his voice scratchy as it had been the day he woke up from a three month coma. But despite that, to Raph's ears, it was a blessed sound.
Sitting up, grasping Leo's hand tighter, Raph nodded. "Yeah, yeah Leo, it's me, I'm right here," he said, managing a watery smile for his older brother as he carefully slipped off the oxygen mask, setting aside. "I'm right here, brother."
Blinking sluggishly, Leo swept his gaze swept over the room, his brows creasing in confusion. "…where…where am I?" he asked as he struggled to sit up on the bed with Raph's help, his eyes traveling down to his bandaged left arm. "…what happened? And why is my arm –?"
He stopped, his eyes flying wide open as he stared down at his arm.
Raph's smile faded. Leo was remembering. And as he slowly looked up again to meet Raph's eyes, he saw the realization, the fear, the regret, and the tears that overflowed and poured down his cheeks.
"…R-Raph," he gasped in horror. "O-Oh my god…Raph, I…I'm sorry…"
Raph said nothing, watching as Leo covered his eyes with his hand, turning his head away from Raph as he began to sob quietly, helplessly.
"I'm sorry," he wept, the tears dampening his mask as they continued to flow. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…"
Finally, Raph couldn't take it anymore, and he released Leo's hand so that he could stand up, lean over the bed and wrap his arms around Leo's shoulders, bringing his brother close, letting him cling onto him, cry into his shoulder, even as his own tears slipped down his cheeks.
"It's okay, Leo," he whispered, tightening his hold when he felt Leo shake his head. "It's okay. Everything's gonna be okay, I swear. I swear."
And he meant it. He meant every word. There was nothing Raph, or the rest of their family, wouldn't do to help Leonardo through this, to make everything okay again. Even if they couldn't rid the thoughts that plagued him, couldn't lift the burden from his shoulders or rid him of the scars that marred him – physical or mental – they would try their damn hardest. And if the universe had other ideas, or if anyone ever tried to rip Leo away from them, make him doubt…
…then Raph would be right there to make them think again.