XV. When everything's meant to be broken
Dear Heidi Hansen:
Mom, what Connor and I are planning isn't something you'd agree with, I know, but if you're reading this it means we succeeded. I don't think I can bring myself to apologize for this and actually mean it, because the truth is that I thought about it almost constantly.
Perhaps, if the situation were different, I would tell you everything that brought me here, but I'm not thinking about those things anymore, I just want to end this.
But mom? If you want to put the blame in anyone, blame me; I'm the one who came up with the plan, who wrote down the list, but please, please, don't blame Connor. He's gonna write now, so... yeah.
Hey Ms. Hansen.
I'm not good at this kind of thing; I don't think I've ever been. But I couldn't really think of anyone else to give my last words to, so... here we are.
I'm sorry I tricked you into liking me, and I'm sorry I'm dragging Evan down with me, but I can't do this alone, I can't. I didn't lie when I said Evan meant a lot to me, I wish I could tell you how much, but I know you aren't the only one who'll see this; don't try to deny it.
And if you really are, then that means I was right about everything, doesn't it? Evan's right, it's really hard to say this kind of thing to you, but, I couldn't say it to anyone else either.
In the end, it's because we're tired. Tired of trying, tired of pretending, tired of holding on.
So, if nothing else, we want you to decide which parts of us to keep here, burn the rest, let it go. If you hold onto it you'll end up here, and we don't want that, don't do this, it's never a good idea, we know this, but we're so tired.
In this last year, we lived for every year we didn't, but you don't have to do that, you actually really shouldn't do that. Take this, and live, and if you need to tell yourself that it's for us, then we don't mind.
But there's nothing left to say to us, not if your reading this letter, but don't worry, we had each other, in the end, we weren't alone.
Sincerely
Evan and Connor