I awoke to warmth surrounding me. Ashley had her arms wrapped around my back and her legs were wrapped around mine. I was laying on her with my head on her chest. I could feel her breath on the top of my head as she slept. Her make- up was smeared from crying and her lips were slightly swollen from kissing. I can guarantee I look the same way. It had been a rough night. I kept waking up from a nightmare and she would have to calm me back down. Her alarm clock went off causing her to growl as she sought out to stop it without removing herself from me. I grew tired of watching her attempt to reach it so I rolled over and shut it off. I guess she didn't realize I had been awake considering she jumped when I rolled over. I looked into her eyes and I could see fear. That wasn't like her. She was a strong person and nothing scared her.

"How are you doing?" She whispered huskily. We were both extremely tired from being up all night.

"I could be doing better." I replied as I snuggled my face into her neck. She dragged her fingertips up and down my back, causing me to shiver. "Thank You."

"For what?" She asked as she lifted my chin up so I could look her in the eyes.

"For helping me and staying up with me most of the night. I don't know what I would have done without you." I whispered as tears built up in my eyes.

"What do you mean by that?" She said harshly as she gripped onto me tightly.

"I've just had a lot of bad thoughts going through my head and I feel safe with you. Like I don't feel like I have to end anything. You make me feel like I can get past this."

"Baby, please don't ever think you have to end your life. You are beautiful and amazing. I will help you get through this. I love you so much." I cried as she said this and she pressed her lips against mine.

I can't quite honestly tell you how I feel about our relationship. As far as I know, I have never been interested in girls. I mean yeah I have thought they are pretty but I never thought I would want to be with one. The way she makes me feel safe and loved—I just can't even describe how it makes me feel. To make things worse, I know she loves me but she could never be in love with me. She loves Aiden. I'm just her friend that she is trying to help. What friends kiss like this? Her lips are molding with mine as we speak and her fingers are running through my hair. I guess she likes to be affectionate but it's messing with my mind and with everything I've just gone through, I'm not sure if I can handle it.

I feel a tear escape my eye and land on her face, causing her to pull back. She wipes the tear off of my face before she runs her thumb over my cheek.

"I wish I could make it all stop for you." She whispered causing me to slightly smile.

"I wish you could too." I paused as I gazed into her eyes and could see love and concern. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"Why do you care about me?"

"You're my best friend. Even though we haven't known each other a long time, you make me smile and you make me laugh. I can trust you and I know you care about me. I love you, Spencer. I really do."

I burst into tears as I pulled away from her. I was shaking uncontrollably as I sobbed and hid my face in my arms. She jumped up and wrapped her arms around me but I pulled away from her touch.

"What's wrong?" She asked as she tried to get me to let her touch me but I wouldn't allow it. It made my heart hurt so much more.

"I can't tell you." I replied as I continued to sob.

"Spencer, please let me hold you." She asked and I could tell I was hurting her.

"I can't let you." I replied as my sobs decreased, and I was softly crying as I tried to wipe away my tears.

"Please tell me why. Don't shut me out!" She was begging now and it killed me to hear the hurt in her voice. I sat back against the wall at the top of the bed as I stared off into space.

"I can't tell you why Ashley. You'll leave me forever." I whispered as I continued to stare off at the wall on the other side of the room.

"I'll never leave you. I swear on my dad, I will not do it." I looked at her in confusion. Her dad is a big part of her life. He may be gone on tour a lot but she loves him with everything she has. I have never heard her swear on him before. "Just please tell me."

"I love you." I whispered.

She looked at me in confusion as she nodded, "I love you too, Spencer. You know that."

"No. I'm—in love with you." I replied as my voice cracked. She froze as she thought about what I had just said.

"You're in love with me?" I nodded in response.

"I'll just go." I got up and walked out of the room, leaving her speechless. I knew this was going to happen. She fucking hates me now. Who can blame her? I'm a freak. Who could ever love a girl who was emotionally damaged from being raped? I wanted to fucking die and never have to feel the pain I was currently feeling. I ran out of her house as fast as my shaky legs would take me.

My thoughts were in overdrive as I kept going as long as I could without stopping. My lungs were hurting from how hard I was breathing and my legs felt like they were going to fall off as I kept going. I guess I didn't remember that my house was a ten minute drive from her house to mine. I finally made it to my house and ran through the front door.

"Spencer!" My mom yelled as I ran up the stairs.

"I can't talk right now." I yelled back as I made it to my door and went into my room. I slammed my door shut and locked it.

I walked over to my bed before collapsing on it. How could everything have gone so wrong? My life was pretty ordinary back in Ohio. I had decent friends, good grades, no drama. Since I've moved here, I've fallen in love with a girl who could never love me, I was raped, I have missed a lot of school, and I currently have scabs on my wrists from scratching. What did I do to deserve this? Is it because I like Ashley? Do I deserve this for falling in love with her? I turn on my dock that had my ipod on it and changed the song with the remote, before setting it on repeat. Tears ran down my face as I closed my eyes and listened.

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You're gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You're gone away
You don't feel me here anymore

When I opened my eyes I realized what I was doing. I had a pair of scissors that were in my drawer, pressed into my arm. There was a trickle of blood that ran down my arm. I lifted up my t shirt and placed the scissors against my stomach. I could end this. Right here and right now. I would never have to hurt again. I pressed hard into my skin causing the scissors to rip through my flesh. I closed my eyes and the first image that came to mind was Ashley. I could see her smiling with her perfect teeth as she crinkled her nose.

I pulled the scissors away from my skin and threw them on the night stand. Why does everything have to be so fucked up? I grabbed some tissues and cleaned up the blood on my arm and stomach before tossing it in the trash can next to my bed. I buried my pillow and cried myself to sleep.

I awoke to a hand running through my hair. It was so soft and I swear I could smell Ashley. I hate that my dreams haunt me.

I opened my eyes and realized I wasn't dreaming. There she was, sitting next to me as she ran her fingers through my hair. She looked so beautiful as the moonlight lit up her face.

"I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away. I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well. I wanna hold you high and steal your pain. 'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome and I don't feel right when you're gone away." She sang along as the song had once again restarted.

I rolled over so I was completely laying on my back as I looked at her.

"Oh fuck." She whispered harshly as she looked at my arm. I quickly grabbed my shirt to make sure it was pulled down on the way and realized it was. I felt relieved for a moment before realized she knew what I was doing and pulled my shirt up. She winced as she looked at the cut in my stomach. Luckily I didn't push the scissors in too far. It had already begun to scab over so it was bleeding as bad as it was.

"Promise you'll never do this again." She whispered huskily as tears fell down her cheeks.

"I don't make promises I can't keep." I replied with no emotion even though it hurt to see her cry.

"Please Spencer?" I couldn't handle bringing her anymore pain so I nodded but didn't reply.

"Why are you here?"

"I'm in love with you too." She replied so quiet, that I almost didn't catch it. My heart fluttered causing me to gasp.

"You do?"

"I'm so in love with you that it hurts." She leaned over me before pressing her lips into mine. I had never felt better in my entire life, and I almost ended it minutes before.

"Why did you do that to yourself?" She asked after she pulled away.

"I wanted to die." I replied honestly.

"I can't live without you Spencer."

"I can't live without you either."

She laid down next to me before entwining our fingers. She pressed her lips back into mine as we spent the rest of the night kissing and holding each other.

She told me she loved me. I could do make it through this.

The song in this chapter is Broken by Seether. I was so happy to see all of these reviews! they seriously keep me going. I'd probably just end this if I didn't have you guys!

rain1657: You already know how much I depend on your reviews. They keep me going. I agree on the ashley thing. She is very involved with spencer and so i had to make her rush in and help spencer. I hope you like this next chapter.

Jess: thanks so much. I hope you like this next chapter too! thanks for the review.

tbplrbear1: Paula won't be as caring as you'll think. I'll explain more as this continues. Thank you for saying that. Its taken alot out of me to overcome all of this so it feels good to hear someone tell me that i'me brave. Thanks for the review!

IM GAY SO WHAT: I just needed to get everything out so it was easier to write it and just change certain parts. It was extremely difficult to do but i knew it would help me in the long run just to see who else has gone through the same thing. I hope this maybe helped you in some may and i hate to see that you've gone through the same thing. Hopefully this will help other girls who have gone through this as well. thanks for the review!

kamariacr: Thank you so much! I appreciate the review.