It was really hard to sit through my first three classes without Ashley. I was anxious and sick to my stomach as I was alone and thought about Glen telling my mom about me and Ashley and having to go to a therapist. I looked down at my wrists and stared at the scabs. It made me feel even sicker just looking at what my life has come to. I reached down and started picking at the scab. I ripped it all the way down the line and did the other two scabs the same way. I watched the blood pour from my wrist as I sat there in a daze.

"Oh my god Spencer are you okay?" A girl that I didn't even know her name asked me.

I could feel myself sweating and I felt like I was going to throw up as everyone watched me. "Spencer, do you need a nurse?" My teacher asked as she stood up from her desk.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked before walking out of the classroom. I walked as fast as I could to the restroom before emptying my stomach into the toilet. I walked back out to the sink before running my arm under the water. It stung but I didn't acknowledge it. I watched as the blood flowed down the sink. I heard the door open up as I grabbed a paper towel and pressed it against my arm.

"You okay, Spence?" I looked up and saw Carmen standing behind me. "Damn. What happened to your arm?"

"Nothing—just anxiety." I replied as I looked away in embarrassment.

"I've got something for that. My doctor prescribes me Xanax. He doesn't give me a very high dosage so I started buying them off the street." She reached into her purse and pulled out little white bars before handing me five of them. "Take one now and don't take the other until later. If you need more just come find me." She walked back out of the bathroom, leaving me standing there staring at the pills in my hand.

I popped one in my mouth and drank some water before heading to lunch after the bell rang. I knew Ashley would be looking for me and I'm sure she already heard what happened. I sighed as I sat down at our usual table. I felt a body quickly sit down next to me and a hand was placed on my thigh under the table.

"I heard what happened. Are you okay?" The familiar raspy voice asked me. I just wasn't up for her caring at the moment. I'm always doing something wrong and someone always has to ask if I'm okay. Do they ever think 'hey, maybe she's not okay' and leave me the fuck alone? Not a chance.

"I'm fine." I replied coldly without looking at her.

"You don't seem fine." She replied causing me to laugh.

"Well then maybe I'm not." I spat back causing her to flinch.

I could feel the pill kicking in and I was too relaxed to give a shit about anything or anyone. Not even her.

"Baby, please tell me what's going on?" She asked quietly and I could tell she was about to cry from her voice.

"Maybe I'm just tired of telling people what's wrong. Maybe I just want to be left the fuck alone." I replied with a laugh as I shook my head. Is that seriously too much to ask for? I think I deserve it after what I've been through. I felt all tingly inside and I just wanted to go lay down and take a nap and not have to worry about being bothered.

"You're shutting me out." She whispered as her voice cracked.

"I'm glad you've caught on." I laid my head down and tried to shut everything out.

"Something's different about you."

I quickly leaned up and glared at her. "Maybe I'm just fucking sick and tired of every fucking person asking me if I'm okay. Obviously if I'm not acting okay then I'm not okay!" I screamed before getting up and walking towards Glen.

"Give me your keys."

"You punch me in the nose this morning and you expect me to let you drive my car?"

"GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING KEYS!" I had the whole lunch room looking at me now. Glen rolled his eyes before handing over the keys. I stormed out and went straight home to take a nap.

Unfortunately, when I got home my mother was there. I tried to walk straight up to my room but she stopped me.

"Glen had to come up to the hospital this morning so I could set his nose back into place." She spoke with an icy glare.

"I'm sad that you succeeded." I replied with no emotion.

"Spencer I know you have a lot going on right now and I've been trying to give you space but you can't just punch your brother in the nose because he pissed you off."

"He disrespected Ashley!" It was hard for me to argue considering the Xanax was making me mellow out but that started a fire in me.

"Well he told me to ask you what he said to you that made you so mad." I was going to make up a lie but she quickly cut me off. "He also said that if you didn't tell me the truth then he was going to." That fucking prick! I barely want to live at this point and he is going to make things worse for me?

"He—he heard me and Ashley this morning." I spoke softly with tears building up in my eyes.

"What were you guys doing?" My mother asked in a stern voice.

"Having sex." I whispered. Anger flashed across her face and she slammed her hand against the wall causing me to jump.

"You are forbidden to ever see her again!" She yelled cause anger to boil up inside of me.

"Fuck you." I spat at her causing her eyes to widen. I've rarely talked back to my mom and even when I do I immediately apologize, but not this time. "I'm leaving and there's nothing you can do to stop me." I turned to walk to the door but her arm quickly jerked me back towards her. I lost my balance and fell, banging my head on the hallway table. I could feel blood trickling down my face but I got myself up as fast as I could.

"Oh my god, Spencer, are you okay?"

"Will you people stop asking me that?" I screamed before pushing her away from me and running to the front door. I swung the door open before running as fast and as far as my legs would take me.

I felt my phone vibrate causing me to pull it out. I had two texts from Ashley and one from my mom.

Please come back. You might have a concussion.- Mom

I'm sorry I upset you.- Ash

Please don't shut me out. I love you so much.- Ash

I sighed before texting my mom back.

I'd rather die than be without Ashley. You can't keep me from her.

I sent a text to Ashley after the one to my mom.

Please come get me. I'm at Golden Park.- Spence

I sat down on a swing as I tried to clear my head. I pulled out another white bar from my pocket before popping it into my mouth. I didn't have anything to drink so I had to swallow it dry. I felt my phone vibrate causing me to look down.

Be there in ten.- Ash

As I sat there for about nine minutes I could feel the pill working again. I was calm and just wanted to lay down. My head was throbbing and I could feel my bangs stuck on the dry blood on my forehead. I slowly lowered myself to the ground and closed my eyes.

"Spencer!" I could feel something hitting my face but I didn't want to wake up. "Spencer please wake up!"

"I don't wanna." I mumbled. She began shaking me causing me to open my eyes.

"You hit your head on something. You shouldn't be sleeping." She spoke as she pulled me up so that I was laying with my back against her chest.

"Ash, my mom knows. She told me I wasn't allowed to ever see you again." I turned to look at her and tears were slowly making their way down her face. "I told her to fuck off and that she couldn't keep me away from you and that I would rather die than live without you."

She gave me a small smile as she tried to wipe her tears away.

"Move in with me." She whispered as she pulled my bangs away from the blood on my forehead.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive. Did she do this to you?" She asked as she looked at the wound.

I nodded, "Not on purpose. She tried to keep me from leaving and when she jerked me back I fell."

"I wish I would have been there to protect you."

"I'm okay now. Can we just go to your house?"

"Of course we can." She pulled me up and led me to her car. I wanted to call her place my home.

After we made it to her house she gave me a shirt and shorts to change into. She got a damp washcloth and tried to get the blood off my forehead the best that she could without hurting me. I laid down on her bed and closed my eyes. I felt so out of it from the bars I took. I felt like I was just floating there and hopefully no one would catch me and trap me. It took me a minute to realize there were lips pressed into mine. I opened my eyes and realized Ashley was on top of me and her lips were moving against mine. I also realized tears were running down her cheeks.

I pushed her away and wiped the tears off her face, "What's wrong?"

She took a deep breath and wiped her face as if to wipe any tears left, "I just—seeing you on the ground with blood coming from your forehead. I thought I lost you forever."

I really take her for granted sometimes. All she did was care about me and I treated her like complete shit earlier.

"I'm sorry about today." I whispered as I looked away. She ran her hand across my cheek before turning me to face her.

"What are you on?" Oh shit. How does she know?

"What are you talking about?" I tried to play it off but she saw right through me.

"Don't lie to me Spencer. Do you think I'm stupid? I used to take Xanax and Tabs all of the time. I smoked a lot of weed too, so you really can't bullshit me."

I sigh as I play with the bottom of her shirt. There's no way of getting out of this. "Xanax." I whispered causing her to sigh.

"Who gave it to you?" She asked. I really don't want Carmen to get hurt over this. She was trying to help me out.

"I can't tell you, Ashley."

"Do you love me Spencer?" How can she ask me that or use that against me for that matter.

"Of course I do. With everything I have."

"Then who was it?"

"Carmen."

"That's all I needed to know." She rolled on to her side so that she was turned away from me. I really couldn't handle the cold shoulder from her right now. I slid my hand over her waist and pulled her into me as I rest my head in the crook of her neck.

"I love you baby. I won't take them again."

She rolled over and placed her hand on my cheek, "I just worry about you."

"It's just hard going to school every day and having to see him. Now my mom is doing this bullshit. It just stresses me out and those bars calmed me down."

"I'll be fine with you taking bars as long as you don't take too many and this is just a short term thing, okay?"

I nodded before pressing my lips into hers. Every time she kissed me I felt special again. When she acted like she cared about me, it made me feel like I matter. I don't know how I could repay her for making me feel that way but I would try.

"Ashley?"

"Yeah baby?"

"If for some reason we don't make it through this, just know I am so grateful for you trying to help me. I wish I knew how to repay you."

Her hand slid over my neck as her thumb caressed my cheek. "Spencer, we will make it through this. You will make it through this and I will be there every step of the way. You repay me every time I see you smile and every time you say I love you. It lets me know we are one step farther out of the darkness."

"I wish I could make love to you like normal people." I sigh in frustration but she gives me a small smile before running her hand over my hip and pulling me into her.

"We will when the time is right. I want you to be completely ready so you can give it all to me. Until then, I will be perfectly fine with lots and lots of kissing." Before I could respond she pressed her lips into mine. We made out until we were too tired and slowly fell asleep in each other's arms.

So I know a lot of this stuff is repetitive. It's what Spencer deals with all the time and she is slowly getting better or maybe even worse. We'll be getting out of this repetitive stuff soon and on to new drama. Sorry it's taken so long. I just moved and don't have internet anymore but I just started to pick up my neighbors wifi!

Sonfan91X: Haha sounds like you need to get to work! Thanks for the review. It's a bit hard talking about all of this stuff but I know it makes the story more dramatic. I'm glad your reading now!

Rain1657: I guess I couldn't make it past the angst. Haha. Hopefully within the next chapter or two things will get a bit lighter with just a few fallouts. Thanks for the input!

Stephybearx: Thanks you don't know how much that means to me. Im glad I have so many people willing to help me on fanfiction. And for your to say my story is beautiful put a huge smile on my face! Thanks so much!

Im gay so what: I cant believe your ex would do something like that. So shitty. Just know you didn't deserve that whatsoever. Im glad your getting stronger. Always have faith in yourself when no one else will. I tell myself that all the time.