They say being addicted to drugs can make you both mentally and physically ill. Your body feels like it's shutting down when you don't have the drug anymore. You can't think straight and you become angry and depressed without it. What about love? Can anyone tell me what happens when you become addicted to a person? Why I feel like I can't live without her? I feel sick to my stomach just thinking of the possibility of her not being in my life anymore. Seeing her wrapped up in Aiden's arms has never made me feel as many emotions as I have right now. I can't even process what I should do and what this could mean.

I can feel myself shutting down. Everything's becoming fuzzy and I'm losing sight of her. I can't lose her. I can't do it. Everything's black and I feel numb. Somebody save me!

"Spencer!" I can hear her but I can't see her.

"Spencer please wake up!" It sounds like she is sobbing and I want her to stop. I don't want her to cry because of me. Everything slowly comes back into view as I start to blink again. Her face scares me. She looks terrified as if she lost me forever. Maybe she has. Her arms engulf me and she strokes my hair giving me comfort.

I look past Ashley to see Aiden staring at me with a shocked expression. "Please make him leave." I whimper in her ear.

"Aiden please leave." She sounds sad which only angers me, causing me to pull away from her.

He walks out the door and shuts it behind him leaving only me and Ashley in her room. I felt scared and safe at the same time. I try to get up and Ashley helps me to her bed. I sit there and try to process everything.

"Spence, it wasn't like—"

"Stop!" I yell causing her to freeze and play with her fingers.

I look up at her with tears in my eyes and I can see the pain in her eyes as well. "Do you love him?"

"It's really not like that Spencer I just needed a friend." She whispered and I can see the guilt in her eyes.

"Do you love him?" I ask again with a little more anger.

"Not like I love you." She reaches to grab my hand but I rip it away.

"That's not good enough." I toss her keys to the car I borrowed and stand up. "We can't be together anymore." I whisper and my heart breaks in half.

"Spence, don't say that." She says through clenched teeth as tears stream down her face.

"I'm not saying it to hurt you. I just can't do this anymore."

"Why! We were so close to being happy. I finally got you away from your mom and we were gonna live together and be happy, Spencer!"

"I'm addicted to Xanax, Ashley! Not even that but I'm addicted to you! I would rather die than be without you. I hate not being near you. I feel like complete shit at the thought of you possibly loving Aiden. I destroyed my family over you! I need to piece my life back together and then my families and maybe one day I can try with you again but that can't be today." I'm shaking at this point and I literally want to kill myself. It would be so easy just to say hey let's keep doing this but it's not right. I am too far gone and I need to fix it.

She rushes over and cups my face as her breathing becomes rapid. "Spencer I need you in my life. Promise you'll still talk to me."

"I can't promise you that right now. Give me some time." I lean in and press my lips against hers. Fuck! Why does this have to kill me inside? She shoves me against the door and shoves her tongue into my mouth. I taste her one last time before pushing her away and leaving.

"Daddy, I need to talk to you." I'm shaking like crazy and the tears continue to stream down my face.

"Spencer, what are you doing here? I just helped you move this morning." I dive into his arms and cry into his shoulder.

"I need your help. I'm- addicted to Xanax." I didn't realize how forthcoming I would be but I guess it's the only way.

"Come sit down we need to talk." So we did. I explained the rape and how Ashley and I got together and my feelings about her. Then we got to the addiction to the pills and how I feel about everything. I guess it's nice to have your dad as a social worker sometimes.

"I'm scared. I love her so much dad, but I feel like right now I'm going to destroy myself if I stay with her. I already destroyed our family." I wipe my tears and take a deep breath.

"You haven't destroyed our family, Spencer." He grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze.

"How can you say that? Glen hates me, Clay avoids me, mom hates me and now you two are fighting. It's all because of me."

"You can't be afraid to be who you are. My mother wanted me to become a doctor but I refused and decided to be a social worker because I love helping people. Grandma went ballistic and said I was ruining my life but that didn't stop me. Your mother will come around I just wanted her to take a good hard look at how she has been behaving."

"I just don't understand how she could treat me like this. I know I haven't been easy lately but I can't help who I love. Shouldn't she understand that? I'm her daughter and I thought she would love me no matter what. It just hurts, you know?"

"I know." That wasn't my dad. We both turn our heads to see my mother standing in the doorway. "I'm so sorry Spencer. I just wasn't raised that way. I know it's no excuse to make you feel the way that I have but I really hope we can try to fix this." She walks over and grabs both me and my dad's hands. "As a family."

"I'd like that." I whispered before standing up and burying myself in her embrace.

So we spent most of the night discussing everything with my mom. She told me she would like me to enter a rehab program but ultimately it would be my decision. I agreed with her and decided to do the program. She called my principal and he excused my leave of absence. I spent 6 long agonizing weeks in rehab. I spent almost every single night crying myself to sleep only to wake up from a nightmare. I craved the Xanax but more than that, I craved her touch. I craved her lips. I craved her smell. I craved her.

At the end of those 6 weeks I felt better. I knew she would be my relapse as soon as I saw her but not for the drugs. I was okay with not taking them ever again. I wasn't okay with not being in her life. I don't know if that's healthy but I know I can't feel like this for the rest of my life.

I knew school would be the first place I saw her and it was. I had skipped lunch knowing I wouldn't be able to avoid her there but as soon as I got to our class together, there would be nothing I could do to prevent it. I felt her gaze as soon as I stepped foot into the classroom. My therapist told me that if I wanted a relationship with her, the best thing I could do is take it one step at a time.

I took my regular seat by her with Carmen on the other side of me. My anxiety was through the roof but I practiced the techniques my therapist showed me. I found a focus point in the room, my teacher, and kept my attention on it. I couldn't let myself stray or it wouldn't help.

A note was tossed on my desk from Carmen. I shouldn't read it and focus on the teacher but my curiosity got the better of me.

How are you –C

Could be better- S

I'm sorry I got you into this mess.-C

I know. It's my fault too. –S

Friends?-C

I'm not sure if Carmen was someone I should be friends with but I know she had good intentions.

Only if you never bring them near me again and you've got a deal.-S

I looked over to her after she read it and we smiled. I could probably use whatever friends I could get.

After class was over I quickly got up and made my way out of class. I knew she would follow me and there was nothing I could do to stop her.

"Spencer!" I stopped and slowly turned to face her. As soon as I locked onto her chocolate eyes, all of those feelings came rushing back. I was actually shocked. She wasn't wearing make up and her attire consisted of sweat pants and a t shirt.

"Hey." I whispered as I played with my fingers.

"Hey." Her movements mirrored mine and there wasn't much I could say to her at this point. I knew I had to take this slow. "How are you?"

"Better than the last time you saw me." I gave her a small chuckle to lighten the conversation but her face showed no falter.

"I've been worried about you. I went to see you after you missed so much school but your mom told me you were in rehab." Well this is news to me. I had no idea Ashley had come to see me let alone that my mom had talked to her.

"Yeah it was the time of my life." I replied sarcastically.

She stared at me for a few moments as if she was studying me and it made me nervous. "I've missed you."

I couldn't lie to her even though I wanted to. "I've missed you too."

She gave me a slight smile at that which made me even more nervous. "Do you wanna go grab some coffee?"

It's too early for me to get into this right now. Being this close to her is bad enough. "I can't. It's too soon. I'm sorry." I didn't give her time to say anything else before I walked off.

It was way too soon.

The next few days were the same. I would skip lunch to avoid Ashley. She tried to talk to me every day after school but I would just tell her I had to hurry up and get home.

Today something was different. Ashley wasn't in class which was weird. I know the only reason her attendance has been so well lately is so she can talk to me.

"Have you seen, Ash?" I whisper to Carmen. Carmen is really the only one at school that knows about me and Ashley. She was always a good friend and never told anyone.

"Didn't you hear?" Her tone was sad and it scared the living shit out of me.

"Hear what?" I asked, fearing what the outcome might be.

"Ashley's dad died last night in a car wreck. It was all over the news today." Oh my god. I can't even imagine what she is going through right now. Her dad was her everything and now she has lost him. I have to see her.

"I have to go!" I say before jumping out of my seat and taking off. I didn't even have time to tell the teacher why I was leaving.

Glen and I had made amends. He still wasn't happy with the thought of being with Ashley but he was trying to help me as much as he could. He told me on the first day I came back that he would start leaving his keys in the car in a hiding spot so if I ever felt like I needed to get away I could. This would be the time. I open the door and fumble around looking for the keys before I spot them under the seat. I'm quick to start the car and drive to Ashley's as fast as I can.

As soon as I get to Ashley's I start to feel nervous. I haven't been here since my breakdown and it scared me. I have to do this though. Ashley helped me through so much and I have to help her in any way that I can. Another car is in the driveway. It's her mom's. I know this because it was here a couple times and Ashley told me whose it is but mentioned that just because the car was there doesn't mean she is. Her mother scares me for good reason. One time she came into Ashley's room while we were kissing and she called me a slut and said I was just trying to get Ashley's money. Bitch.

I knock on the door a couple times in hope that the maid will open the door. No such luck. Christine is standing before me and for someone's husband who just died, she didn't look too upset.

"What the hell are you doing here?" She snarled at me causing me to take a step back.

"I'm here to see Ashley." I had to hold my ground or she would win.

"Ashley doesn't need to see you. You are worthless." Ouch.

"Miss Davies, if you love your daughter just the tiniest bit you will let me see her. Trust me when I say I can help her or at least I will do my best I can promise you that."

She contemplates her answer for a few moments before nodding her head and turning away. "Stay out of my way." No problem!

I race up the staircase before walking down a hallway that leads to her bedroom. I take a deep breath before knocking softly on the door.

"Please just go away Rosa!" She sobs causing my heart to break. I slowly open the door to see Ashley curled up in a ball facing the wall. There were no lights on but the light from the hallway illuminated her room. She was wearing a white tank top and black shorts and she was hugging a black vest. It was the vest I saw her wear on the first day of school. It must be her dad's. I slowly shut the door and slightly open the blinds to let in a little bit of sun.

"Rosa. I said go." She mumbles into the vest. Her hair is pulled up in a messy ponytail and she looks like she hasn't slept in days. I walk over to the bed and sit next to her.

"Ashley." I whisper and her body tenses up. She turns her head and locks eyes with mine.

"Am I dreaming?" She says causing me to let out a small chuckle.

I reach my arms out and pull her in my embrace. She lays her head on my chest and wraps her arms around my waist. I place one hand on her back and the other on the side of her head. I can feel tears falling on my chest and I do my best to wipe them before they fall.

"I can't believe I lost him, Spence. How could I lose everyone I love?"

"You didn't lose everyone."

"My mother never wants to be around me, my dad just died, and I lost you."

Ugh. Am I ready to admit these words to her or not? I know it's what she needs to hear but I'm not sure how much good this will do me. "You haven't lost me. I'm right here."

She looks up at me and stares into my eyes. Before I realize what she is doing her lips are pressed against mine. The kiss is feverish and I try to return it as much as I can. God, how I've missed those lips. I can taste her and smell her and it's driving me crazy. I flip us over so that Ashley is on her back and I continue the kiss. Her fingers run through my hair and lightly tugs it as I nip her bottom lip.

She softly pushes me back and looks at me like a lost child. "Spencer?"

"Yeah?"

"Please make love to me." Decisions, decisions.

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-lovelovelove- FG333