Chapter three
All this is just shit.
Even though he should be thankful he's still alive, that sentence was the only rational thought running through Draco's mind. He didn't ask for help, he didn't ask for anyone's mercy or favour. Especially not from Potter and his comrades. The thing was this; he didn't care very much about his life anymore. He didn't find it significant, importan or of any value, really. He screwed up everything that was possible to screw up. Everything he used to find important and worth fighting for was so foggy now, like a morning in mid November. In his mind, he desperately tried to summon up rain, snow, ice, anything really, just to clear that fogg. The only thing that seemed bright to him was his mother. He missed her, more than he cared to admit. His heart wondered what Snape told her about his absence, did she think he was dead? Hiding? Far away? He wanted to see her, talk to her, take her away from Voldemort and his father, somewhere safe for her. But that was impossible right now.
Ever since he had come here, a week ago, he spent most of his time in the library among the books. He saw most of them in Hogwarts library already, except those who were…muggle's literature. His eyes scanned the mystery shelf every time his tall figure walked in the room but his pride always overpowered his curiousity. If he weren't in the library, he talked to Theo and Blaise. His former housemates were suspicious about his arrival at first, but after few days they've accepted blonde Slytherin in their tight circle once more. Draco had to admit, they made his days here a lot easier. On few moments, he actually forgot his dark thoughts and vile existence. Those rare occasions he throughly enjoyed.
And then there was Granger.
He felt…unpleasent to say the least around her. He remembered that cliche phrase 'It's not you, it's me' but then realised it's actually true. It wasn't about her, the problem was in him. In everything he said about her, to her, his hateful thoughts and actions. He did all that shit to her and here she was, with her same bushy hair and sincere eyes, helping him in these dark days and trying to make him feel comfortable here. Confused Slytherin didn't really know how to answer on those nice gestures. Probably because they were just that, nice. She's nice. Not many people in his life treated him nicely so it was all new to him. And his every replay to her gestures was always the same, cold and rude. He still didn't know how to feel about her blood, about this whole bloody situation. He wasn't ready to give up everything he was taught all his life. Everything his father, his friends and his every ancestor believed in. Cause if he did, he would end up with nothing to hold onto, with no family, no beliefs, nothing. But if it was all wrong, if Muggle borns are just like us, what do I have of my beliefs? How many lives will be stolen to prove something that isn't right?
He ran his pale hand through soft, blonde hair and massaged his temple. Headaches hit him often and the worst part was he didn't complain, he felt like he deserved it. Like he deserved every bit of pain that runs through his body. Nothing had sense anymore. For fuck's sake, the greatest wizard of all time gave up his life to protect his and what did he do? He ran with his murderers and hid for months. Every night, in every dream, he faced those events over and over again, clear as summer night sky. His thoughts would run even deeper in those horrors but someone suddenly snapped him out of it.
'Hey, what are you doing?', he heard a familiar female voice and jumped a bit.
'Shit Granger, don't do that anymore.'
'Sorry, did I scare you?', she asked, laughing slightly, her smile wide but not enough to show her teeth he used to make fun of.
'No, I was just thinking.', he shifted a bit, returning his previous position.
'Oh, well I was bored a bit so I came to see what you're doing.', she sat next to him, pulling her dark red pullover down a bit. He had to admit, only to himself of course, that colour suited her quite nicely. Again that word nice.
'I guess boredom is unavoidable in these rainy days, Granger.', the unpleasent sensation of his previous thoughts came back to haunt him but, for a reason he couldn't comprehend, he did something he usually wouldn't. 'What is that you're holding next to you?'
'This?', she asked and put in her lap large, blue blook. Her covers showed how used the book was and he was very sure that it was hers. 'It's one of my favourite books. Russian writer.'
'Anna Karenina', he read the title carefully. Muggle book no doubt., 'Is that the main character?'
'Well kind of. The book's storyline revolves around two main characters, Anna and Konstantin Levin. Their life stories and characters are completely different and so are their beliefs. Anna is an unhappily married woman who meets a young officer, count Vronsky and they fall in love, while Levin is in love with his friends sister in-law Kitty. Of course there's more in book than their love lives. It's such a wonderful story.'
'How does it end?'
'Oh no mister. I am certainly not a book spoiler.', she said in a good humour and crossed her arms, 'If you want to know the ending you'll have to read it yourself.'
'Forget it Granger.'
'Why? Is it because it has too many pages or because it has a muggle author?', that question left him unarmed. Her good humour was gone with the wind.
'Granger-
'No Draco, I want to know, right now, is it because of that?'
'It's not that simple!', that was very lame thing to say, he knew, but he said it anyway.
'Draco I know it's not simple, and I know it's hard for you but you have to decide, soon, where do you stand in this war…otherwise it won't end well for you. You know it', her anger calmed down a bit, but determination clear in her voice. So clear it made Draco shiver a bit.
'For fuck's sake Granger you have no idea what you're talking about', he got up on his legs and tried walking to calm himself, 'You think you can just walk in the room and tell me to make the most fucking important decision of my life!'
'I'm not doing that! I was just asking you to read a goddamn book!'
He opened his mouth to replay but stopped. It wasn't worth it. He won't lose his nerves over her. His breath calmed and he decided to make her pay for her persistence. So he sat down and said coldly, 'Yes, it is because of the fucking muggle author.'
But it was her face that made him regret it one second later.
It wasn't sadness, it wasn't grief. At first he couldn't realize what it was but when he did, it shook him to the bones.
She pities me.
'Even after everything that happened to you…', she said more to herself than to him, more like a statement than a question.
He felt like throwing up so he closed his eyes and turned away from her, 'Just leave Granger.'
'Alright, I'll leave. But just so you know, it's easier to talk to someone about your problems than think them through over and over in your head.', she got up on her feet, pulling down her pullover again, 'And I'll leave this here', his eyes turned briefly to see a blue book lying down next to him, 'in case you change your mind.'
After that she left him alone with that book, staring at him, like vultures while waiting for their pray to die. He stayed unmoved for long minutes, maybe an hour, maybe two, but when it ended, he took a deep breath and, carefully, opened the too used, blue as the sky book.
…
The talk in the library left trace on Hermione.
She just didn't want to show it to him. After she left too proud Slytherin with her book, she hurried up to her room. There, she tried to calm herself down. Previously, she wanted to yell at him, fight him, challenge him, but after he said that…
Yes, it is because of the fucking muggle author.
How unsure he was about it, how he acted, like he wanted, with that sentence, make himself believe, not her, that he really thinks it. That was when her anger vanished. How could she yell at him, blame him for anything when, honestly, she had no idea how he felt in this position. She wondered how she would act on his place…there wasn't an answer Hermione could find. So all she did was leaving the blue book on place close to him. Good hearted Gryffindor desperately wanted him to read it. In this one week, they didn't have many chances to talk, only on her persisten attempts. He spent most of his time in a warm, book filled room she loved so much. His choice of books greatly surprised her. Their tastes were very much similiar which only made Hermione want to talk to him more.
He was just…this mystical being which everyone in her life hated, found him vile and foul. But Merlin she couldn't help herself, she saw so much more than that in him.
Like Beast from Beauty and the beast.
Beast too made some bad choices for which he was punished later on. And realization of everything he did, how wrong it was, it left him changed and broken. He was alone, with no hope, nothing joyful…It was Hermione's favourite fairytale when she was a child. She adored the idea of an inner beauty, hidden beneath the scary and vile exterior. All it took was a right person to see him the way he really was.
And Hermione wanted to be that person for him.
Call it her Gryffindor kindness or persistence or viewing him as a problem needed to be solved, she wanted it.
Through her mind, lyrics of the beautiful song waltzed like prince and his princess in a shiny ball room.
Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly
Just a little change
Small to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Beauty and the beast
'Hermione, are you okay?', gentle, female voice made her turn her head around.
'Oh, Luna. Yes I'm fine. I was just…thinking', she recalled Draco's answer and cursed herself for repeating it.
'About Draco?', beautiful Ravenclaw asked dreamly.
'What no no. Of course not. Why would I be thinking about him?', Hermione lied, trying to keep her cool.
'Oh I just noticed you've showed interest in his well being ever since he came here. I find it very nice.'
'Well professor Snape told me to keep an eye on him. You know, in case he tries something.'
'I don't think he will..', she replayed, smiling.
'Yes…me neither.'
'Then why do you keep an eye on him?'
Hermione stopped for a minute because she couldn't really answer that question.
'It's just…I don't know. I'm trying to make him see how the whole Mudbloods idea is wrong and I'm not really doing a good job for now', she confessed quitely.
'Hermione, it's only been a week. Don't be too hard on yourself. He'll come to his senses. '
'You really think so?'
'Of course. Just don't give up on him. He needs you right now. He simply doesn't know it yet. And neither do you.', Luna laughed secretly.
'Then how do you know if the two of us don't?'
'Because I see some things others don't. Remember, they called me crazy because of it.'
'Oh Luna-
'It's alright. It never really bothered me. But it's nice when people admit it, like Blaise for example.'
'You two got close didn't you?'
'We're not together if that's what you wish to know.'
'No, no. It's none of my business, of course. I was only-
'But on question if I care about him, I would answer positively.'
'I think you're very good for him', Hermione suggested. Love talks never came easy to her.
'I think so too. And he's good for me, you know', she had so sure and sincere look it made Hermione wonder how can she be so sure about something so complicated like love, 'When he came here, we just…clicked. He even made Theo stop making sarcastic comments about me.'
'Blaise is a good guy. He always was, even back in Hogwarts.'
'Draco is too. He just needs time. You and I see it already, after some time others will too.'
'But-
'I'm sorry I have to go now. I ensured you're fine but chores won't do themselves. See you later Hermione', blonde got up and left her small room.
Leaving Hermione to think about her words.
Maybe she is crazy a bit. But a good crazy.
…