XX
The world stopped for just that moment. It was the two of them. Just the two of them.
Then Matthew's pocket buzzed and chirped. His hands flew away from her body. She released his mouth. His lips, bereft of her touch, still held the residual tingle of her contact with his own.
"Oh God." He said, his voice hoarse and ragged from the intensity of the kiss. He had no idea what he was doing.
Finally getting it together, Matthew fumbled inside his pocket and pulled out the iPhone. He closed his eyes and whispered in a rattled voice, "shit shit shit" over and over again. After another moment of gripping the device tight in his hand, he finally clicked on the green button and answered in a level tone, "Hello darling. How's the trip going?"
Matthew shoved a finger in his ear. He couldn't hear her. He couldn't hear a thing… all the blood had rushed to his skull.
Was he going deaf?
The pounding muffled every other sound. In his ears. Inside his body. The pounding. Rhythmic whooshing sounds. … what the hell was she saying?
"Lavinia…Lavinia…" He walked away from Mary. He could not be around Mary. Not right now. Oh God Oh fucking God… Matthew bent first at the waist. He squat down on his haunches. He couldn't believe this was happening. He had to forget Mary. Forget what she just did to his body.
""Slow down, I can't hear everything." He yelled into the receiver. "Okay. Yes. Sorry. Yes. I got it now. Oh darling I'm so sorry…" Matthew's voice got softer. "Yes. I'll be there. I'll meet you whenever you can arrive. Don't worry. I'll see to him. I will call you when I arrive."
He clicked off the mobile. Stood up and walked further away from the stables. Out into the fresh air. He had to collect his thoughts before returning back to where Mary stood.
With more resolve than he felt Matthew spun on his heels and moved towards his car. He glanced back briefly to catch Mary's eye.
Their eyes met. He turned away quickly.
She followed him towards the car.
"I've got to go." Matthew jangled his key and the door chirped. "I have to go to Birmingham."
Mary could see his hand tremble.
"What's wrong?" Mary tried to remain calm, but his face had gone completely white and she was worried.
"What is wrong?" Matthew spoke through clenched teeth, he threw a hand on the car door and turned. He stared at her. Wanting to blame her. Knowing that was ridiculous. He exhaled finally. "What is wrong…" his voice cracking, drained of everything.
He jerked open the door. "I can't do this right now. I've got to go." He turned an unblinking eye towards her again. "You have to believe that. Can… Can you find your own way back?" He drummed his fingers on the metal surface.
Mary's voice was preternaturally calm. "Of course I can. Will and I still have to wait on some of the vet's test results and set up transport to Downton. As well as the price. I'll be several hours and I can take the train."
Mary stayed his hand.
He flinched again. Nodded and got in the car and started the engine. He drove off in the direction of the M6 as if he wanted to be a million miles away from her.
In that moment, Mary believed she had ruined everything…
XX
It had been too soon. And she had ruined everything. He would blame her.
Mary stood where his car had skidded away in the dirt and mud, and knew it. She kissed a married man. A good man.
It would never be the same between them.
She was with Henry. She was supposed to be true. She should feel awful.
She was meant to feel contrite.
But instead she felt exhilarated. Despite it all, a frisson of energy filled her body.
He had kissed her. She had kissed him. And it was perfect. For that moment the world stopped as they felt each other's hearts beat fast. And she was not wrong. In his kiss, she felt his…his … what?
Love?
In his lips. In the softness of his touch. In his remorse. Oddly she wanted him to feel remorse. It made his goodness that much more evident.
It was all contradictory and made her head spin. And it was most probably all ruined between them.
That haggard, shameful stare he had given her.
She had brought that look to his face.
But if she had the chance would she take it back? Take back the kiss?
Mary walked back to the stable, unable to answer that question. She liked how Matthew made her feel in that moment. She trusted him. Their kiss. Trust she had never felt for anyone. She was vulnerable in his presence.
She liked it.
Wait a minute, her brain said as she paused in her walk. No. She hated being vulnerable.
And for that reason alone, she knew it could never happen again. She was too practical. They just had a fleeting moment. That's all it was. Caught up in the excitement. Something to put away in one's memory.
Real life was vicious. It tore at one's heart and shredded it into pieces. It would tear them to pieces. To skulk around. To cheat.
And besides, she wasn't that kind of person. Not the kind who stole another woman's husband. That was offensive to her self-worth. She was not pathetic.
This had to end. For her. For him. It had to end.
XX
Matthew stopped the car at a lay-by along the M6. He still had the wellies on from the farm. It made driving difficult. With a grunt, he pulled them off and reached over to the passenger floor to retrieve his own shoes. He opened his door and unlocked the front boot to shove the wellingtons inside.
He slammed it shut. His knuckles were white from being clenched into fists. He opened his palms. A rage flowed through him, targeted at himself.
Staring at the black top of his car, he slammed the open palm of his hand down on the metal, over and over. "You stupid man…" He muttered over and over, "you stupid fucker of a man."
He had left Mary just standing there. No explanation. No apology for his outburst.
It had just come over him with Lavinia's phone call. He had to get in the car. He had to help. So he left.
But that was not the only reason. If he truly looked inside himself, he knew the world had shifted.
He had to get away from Mary. From what they had just done. The kiss. From what it might have meant to her. …or to him. The physical reaction of his body to the touch of her lips upon his, the contact of her arms around his waist, the feel of her breasts against his chest. They had left him breathless, aroused.
The world spun out of control for that moment, and he… he loved it.
And then the guilt set in. The pounding, blood pounding guilt.
Matthew closed his eyes, sighed heavily and pulled out his mobile.
None of that was Mary's fault.
He texted her an explanation that Lavinia's father had been in a terrible car accident in Birmingham. That she could not get away immediately because of the school group and that he had to go see how extensive the injuries were. He was sorry he had to leave in such a rush.
Anything else, he believed, had to be said in private and in person. So he sent the text and started the engine and returned to the motorway to Birmingham.
He pulled in about forty-five minutes later to the hospital car lot. He hastened inside.
"My father in law has been a rather bad car accident…" Matthew approached the A & E department desk.
The woman looked up. "Name?"
"Reggie ….Reginald Swire."
She clicked some buttons. "Room 104. But you won't be allowed in just yet …Mr?
"Crawley." Matthew blinked rapidly. "Why? What's going on?"
"He's been taken for a CT because of the threat of traumatic brain injury. Are you next of kin?"
"Uh…" Matthew said. "No. My wife is…. but she's out with a school group and can't get away until a replacement teacher is located. It might be a few hours. She wanted me to check up on what happened."
Matthew had raced to Birmingham on the M6. It had not taken him long as the trip from Rugby was less than a hundred miles.
His agitation was rising. "I need to call her. Give her an update." He had the mobile in his hand.
The clerk pointed over to a woman in a uniform. "The police constable over there is in charge of the accident investigation.
Matthew nodded and walked over. "I'm Reggie Swire's son in law. Can you tell me what happened?"
The young woman opened up a small notebook. "We got a 999 call that there had been an accident on the motorway. When we arrived we found that a car swerved into the wrong lane and struck a BMW at high speed. It smashed the front and right side of the vehicle. It threw the driver through the windshield just as the air bag deployed. He was pinned."
Matthew's fingers tightened around his mouth and slid down his cheeks. "And you…you got him out in time?"
"With a great deal of effort we managed to remove him from the vehicle … but his injuries were extensive. We have the other driver in custody." She was very gentle, but Matthew knew she was not telling him the worst. That's what they were supposed to do.
"The doctors will be able to tell you more, sir." She put away her notebook. "If you need anything more from me, I'll be at the station."
"Thank you." Matthew let her go. He went back to the desk.
"Is there somewhere I can wait?"
"Yes. Go through that door and turn left. There's a waiting area."
But even she was giving Matthew that sympathetic look that meant only one thing.
He followed her directions. To sit in the visiting area. To wait for the inevitable.
XX
Sybil reached for the wine bottle. It was late on Saturday night and Mary had arrived home about an hour earlier. She had finished her shift at the hospital and the two were enjoying some sister time. Sybil was staying with Mary for a few weeks while she finished up a rotation in trauma surgery. Living in the cramped walk up with three other flat mates had not worked out as she had hoped.
Henry was still out.
Mary had divulged to Sybil the purchase of the horse.
"Mary." Sybil squealed in delight. "You're getting back into riding. That's fantastic. What brought this on? I've been at you for years to do this?"
Mary's mouth played with a smile. "Just some things came around…"
"Oh no no no…" Sybil gulped down her sip of wine. "I know you too well Mary. What are you hiding? That kind of evasion just won't do… You're positively glowing…"
"I've formed my own company. Downton Stables. I'm going into business training young riders and I'm going to try to give competition a chance again."
"And Papa agreed to this?" Sybil's lips pursed in skepticism.
"Well I've not actually told him everything yet. I have to tell him I'm going to take a leave of absence to set it all up. He's allowed me full use of the stables ever since I had Diamond at the Trials so I just need to get the builders in to modernize some things and spruce up the paddocks and livery yard."
Sybil looked even more unconvinced. "He relies on you. He won't want you to go."
"He'll have to." Mary shrugged.
"And you just somehow found stacks of cash laying somewhere around?"
Mary side eyed her sister. "We're not exactly poor…"
"No. But as our father likes to remind us we're house, business, and land rich but suffer the fate of most outdated aristocrats with regards to actual money in the bank. Isn't that why you went to work in the first place for Grantham Inc."
Mary agreed reluctantly. "You're right. I found an investor. One who wants to remain anonymous and in the background, allowing me to take charge as I see fit."
Sybil pounced on the vagueness of that reply. "But that's not all sister. Spill." And she gave Mary the dead on stare of the relentless inquisitor she was. "Anytime you're ready…"
Mary heaved a sigh. She knew when she was defeated. "It's Matthew Crawley. He's my investor."
Sybil's eyes widened. "Tom's business partner? The one from the party with the same last name? The one with the dreamy blue eyes and chin stubble?"
Mary raised her eyebrow.
"The one who's married?" Sybil gasped out as she remembered. "And you're in a relationship with him?"
"No." Mary declared abruptly. "It's just business."
"Then why are you smiling like that?"
"I'm not anything. You are like a bull terrier Sybil." Mary tried to deflect.
"Mary I know you…what's going on?" Sybil's voice was beginning to strain. The curiosity was killing her.
"He went with me today." Mary relented. "To see the horse. We rode around the stable yard. It was fun. Then he had to go because his father in law was in a car accident." Mary's voice turned somber. "I was hoping he'd text me to tell me if he's going to be okay."
"And that's all?" Her sister's face told her there was more.
"We kissed." Mary's voice lowered to a near whisper. The memory made her face flush. "It was wrong of course…I don't know why it happened…" His lips had been so close to hers. Bewitching and impish, he had pulled her close. Or did she pull him…?
"It's simple chemistry Mary. The two of you were excited. The sympathetic nervous system quickens your pulse. Your frontal lobe lowers your inhibitions. It's science. You just needed to kiss him. It just happened. Impulsive and compulsive." Sybil was so matter of fact. "Are you going to see him again? Does Edith know?"
"No. I'm already regretting telling you. Don't tell anyone about this. It happened. It's over." She waved a dismissive hand and sipped her wine. "I don't throw myself at married men. It's vulgar."
Mary's dry response so typical of her sister, Sybil thought.
"But you will have to see him again? You did bring him in as an investor."
Mary looked on ruefully. "He offered." She corrected Sybil. "And that's where it will end. We got caught up in the moment, but we're both practical adults with separate lives to lead. I don't have time for any nonsense."
Mary pulled it together and sat up. "I'm going to change the subject now. Do you want to see pictures of my new horse?"
"Absolutely!" Sybil pulled her chair closer.
The two were poring over Mary's iPhone pictures and did not hear the front door open.
"Hello ladies." Henry's voice reached across the room.
Mary turned, startled. Had she mentioned Matthew's name in the time since he entered? She didn't think so.
"Is this your new ride?" Henry asked.
Mary tried not to conjure up other connotations of that expression as she coolly responded, "Yes. Jellybean."
Henry hooted in laughter. "Well I bet you're going to change that name, eh? That doesn't sound like you at all!"
Mary snapped back without thinking. "I think it's adorable."
Henry gave her cheek a kiss. "Whatever you say. I'm going to grab a beer and then head to the shower." He threw his bag into a corner and walked into the kitchen.
Sybil gave her sister a knowing look. "Did Matthew call the name that?"
Mary's cold shoulder was all the answer Sybil needed.
XX
"You were insatiable last night." Henry reached over towards Mary. "I have a long day today, but I hope we can continue this later." His hot breath was on her shoulder. He was kissing it.
Mary purred back "I can't wait," but she wriggled away from his touch. She had demanded sex from him late last night. Sybil had left to spend some time with Tom and Mary went upstairs, restless with a craving she could not explain, she had taken him with a heated intensity and ferocity that quelled her immediate sex drive, but still left her agitated for reasons she did not want to fully explore.
Henry got up from the mussed bedsheets. His naked arse was the last thing she saw as he ambled towards the shower. "Do you want to join me?" He leaned in the door frame, turning around.
Mary appraised him. He was a beautiful specimen. Tall, dark curly hair. A chiseled chest, and not an ounce of fat on his body. "I can't." She wanted to sound regretful. "I'm afraid I've got to catch the morning train to Downton Village. It's the monthly family dinner. And I have to break the news to Papa that I'm taking a leave of absence. It's going to be a nightmare. You're lucky you don't have to be there." Henry had to go out to Oulten Park today for some races.
"I can make some changes, if you want me too." Henry's face poked around the door frame of the bathroom.
"No." Mary questioned herself if that was said too quickly, but it was too late. "Go ahead with your own plans. There will be others."
Henry nodded agreeably and opened the shower stall door and stepped in.
Mary threw herself back against the pillow. Her thoughts wandering against her will-recalling a hot day, a lingering kiss, and the haunted look of another man's eyes.
XX
Neither of them had gotten much sleep. Lavinia had arrived in Birmingham in the evening. Matthew had been texting her updates on her father's condition, but he really didn't want to express the severity of the situation until her arrival. He met her at the train station and drove them both back to the Queen Elizabeth hospital.
"It's very grave, I'm afraid." Matthew's voice was as calm as he could make it. "He is the victim of blunt force trauma as his skull went through the windshield. The doctor's will know more." He rubbed her shoulder with his fingers.
She was shaking. "Can I see him?"
"I don't know." Matthew bit his lip. "I'll go and check."
And for the next twelve to fifteen hours they waited, dozed fitfully, and were periodically updated as the many surgeries and procedures done to help revive Reggie. He'd gone into V-tach more than once as the strain on his heart was too great from some of the other internal injuries sustained in the accident, and had a massive contusion requiring immediate surgery.
Lavinia had been able to sit in her father's room while awaiting his preparation to the operating theatre. Matthew paced restlessly outside. He hated feeling so helpless.
The doctor came out. "We won't know much until he regains consciousness." He told them.
Lavinia took some hope. "So he will come out of this?"
The doctor's impassive face was impossible to read. "We will have to wait. I'd recommend going and freshen up."
"I want to be here." She insisted, grasping Matthew's hand as he moved to stand by her side.
"It will still be several hours. I will keep you informed as to his progress."
"Thank you Dr. Connelly." Matthew shook his hand. He guided his wife towards the door. "Let's go grab some breakfast."
"I want to come back right after." Lavinia said, despite barely being able to walk without Matthew's support.
"Of course we will." Matthew said, "but not before you get some food, a shower, and a sleep. I've booked a hotel room down the road."
"Do you have to go?" Lavinia asked. "Get back before Monday? I've seen you on your mobile when you thought I wasn't looking. I'm not mad, Matthew. I know you have to work."
Matthew looked sheepish. He had been working on an investment portfolio idea and needed to look at some updated stock shares on the LSE website. It had also been something to keep his mind occupied.
And that he needed more than anything. He could cut himself off from anything when he worked. He was absorbed in it. Blocking out the world. He knew Lavinia resented it. It was yet another part of him that she could not share.
He didn't know he liked sharing himself. He thought of himself as a loner. Through university and his legal pupillage, he was compulsively on his own. Driven to succeed he worked best by himself. Anything else was an unnecessary distraction. Occasionally taking time to drink with his friends or indulge in a casual relationship with another law clerk were exceptions to his rule.
He let nothing stand in his way. Even as success and money came his way, the work ethic remained. His only allowance the doodle pad he kept close at hand. But even that was a solitary activity.
He didn't like sharing parts of himself. That had been his identity for as long as he could remember.
Then he met Mary.
And now he no longer knew himself.
Matthew aggressively pushed aside that thought. "I don't have to go anywhere. I'll be right here. I've got to call Tom and let him know. …."
But Dr. Connelly had sent an intern to fetch them back into the room before they could even leave the hospital.
Her father's heart was weakening. He could not take much more. Maybe Lavinia wanted to say a few words while she still could…
"Can he hear me?" Her voice trembling, moving the seat closer to her father's bed. The doctor gently said, "We don't know. But talk to him anyway."
Matthew standing behind her, gripping the back of the chair. His eyes darted to the monitors that showed Reggie's fluctuating cardiac rhythms. They had been turned off so the noise in the room was minimal. He remembered much the same when his own father passed away some fifteen years previous. The room had been damp, cold, and unnervingly quiet.
The line measuring his heart rhythms suddenly stopped making its regular pattern. The nurses and attending doctors swarmed over the bed. Matthew gently moved Lavinia aside. They worked on him to resuscitate. The line on the monitor kept getting progressively weaker and weaker. The peaks lower to nonexistent.
Matthew heard the word "Asystole…" and Lavinia started to weep. Matthew gathered her up in his arms.
XX
Matthew sat in the solicitor's office impatiently. He needed to get on with a scheduled list of meeting and this call from Reggie's lawyer was completely unexpected. The funeral had been a few days ago and Lavinia was only now getting back to work, saying she was fine and the kids needed her. Matthew had asked if she was needed at this meeting, and Mr. Charkham had said no need.
The door finally opened and Charkham motioned Matthew inside.
"I'll get right to the point Mr. Crawley. It's about the will."
"Is there some kind of problem…" Matthew's legal training had been initially in wills and conveyancing.
"No. Swire's wishes are quite straightforward. But of course the details will take time to iron out. It's that reason I'm bringing you in now." He shuffled some papers on his desk.
"Shouldn't Lavinia or any extended family be present?" Matthew questioned.
"I will bring her up to speed. Her portion of the will is cut and dried. She will continue to receive the portions of the trust fund dividends. The rest of her inheritance is tied up with various solid stock investments. She wanted it that way." He looked directly at Matthew. "What we're discussing is completely separate and has to do with you alone."
Matthew nodded slowly, afraid that he already knew what was coming. Lavinia's arrangement with her father's company was minimal, she had wanted no part of it claiming if she got control over it she'd just shut it down and give all the money away to charity. They had argued about that. Matthew claiming that was a ridiculous notion and that it would put many people out of work and upend the securities and shares of stock in companies all over the world.
He never knew if she was really serious as they dropped the subject immediately after.
"Mr. Crawley." Charkham intoned, "you are Mr. Swire's sole beneficiary regarding the shares of stock in Swire Inc. As majority shareholder, you will take over chairmanship left by Reggie upon his death. I tell you this now, so that when the legalities are complete, you can ease yourself in to the management of the company with as minimal fuss as possible."
"What?" Matthew was dumbfounded. "I had no idea…"
"Reggie expected to live a long and healthy life. I advised that you should never have been allowed to leave in the first place, but he said you were young. You needed to spread your wings and that soon enough you'd return to the nest. That soon family loyalty would bring you around."
Matthew grimaced. That sounded a lot like Reggie Swire. He always believed he could get what he wanted when he wanted it. It was one of the reasons Matthew left Swire Inc. So that he could be on his own.
But now…now his future was once again entwined. His own arguments with Lavinia coming back to bite him. He held this responsibility now. Reggie had entrusted it to him.
Because of family loyalty…. To reward his fidelity. Matthew slumped in his seat. Oh God…
XX
This is me doing the Reggie plot in a modern setting... we'll see how it goes. Reviews, opinions always always welcome! Thanks to Grey's Anatomy for the science of a kiss.