XX
Matthew blinked rapidly and plunged ahead "We are in Vegas..." He moved off the bed to kneel before her.
Mary's eyes struggled to stay awake. She tried not to show just how bone weary she was after the long trip and the night's party.
Matthew looked up at Mary, wanting this moment to be perfect. But he noticed Mary's head drooped then rose again. The lines of her smile wavered.
He thought he detected a flash of fear in the back of her eyes.
He hesitated.
"Maybe we should wait until a more appropriate moment. Let's have dinner tomorrow night." He let go of her hand.
She did not protest. "Perhaps you're right." She kissed his cheek. "I would like to remember a proposal of marriage the next morning." And with another delicate though ambiguous sweep of her fingers against his cheek, Mary turned over and pulled the covers up over her shoulders.
She was asleep within moments.
Matthew glided into the chair aside the bed. He steepled his fingers and watched Mary sleep.
XX
The stragglers moaned as they reached for the Styrofoam cups and coffee pots placed on tables at the back of the conference room.
Matthew had grabbed one earlier as he prepared his power point presentation. He might need two or three. He had not gotten much sleep the night before.
Mary slept well into the next morning. He didn't want to disturb her as he readied for the next day's seminar. He slipped into his trousers, shaved and finished brushing his teeth. He buttoned his dress shirt, put on his jacket, and went down to grab a coffee and work in the conference room.
He couldn't sleep any more. He had become restless throughout the night.
The look she had given him.
Worries.
Voices in his head.
Doubt.
Was he moving too fast? Forcing Mary's hand? It was the last thing he wanted to do.
A baby. They were having a baby.
Wasn't that enough? For now?
These doubts had kept him up. His mind was crowded with the details of these seminars, the people he had to schmooze with Morton. The news Mary brought with him. Her father's secrets.
Oh God…Robert. Matthew tossed side to side.
He finally gave up and made ready for the morning's events.
So by the time he had his coffee, his notes, and was fiddling with his phone to see if Tom had sent those latest figures he needed, Matthew was decidedly on edge.
He barely managed to get through the material. It was a slog for moderator and attendees. Finally it was over. Matthew usually felt his responsibilities deeply so wanted to do his best. With this session, he considered adequate would do. And he succeeded in getting through the entire time.
So the rest of his day was his own. No more business. He could meet up with Mary for dinner. But it would again be a rush because of the Sunday golf tee time.
What had he said to her? He'd be different. Wouldn't let his ambitions at work interfere with this new life they were creating.
He always had trouble demarcating work and home life, and in trying to define that line he typically sided with work. That his first responsibility was to his company. His employees. To make sure he worked triple hard to ensure their continued success. Not to slack. Nor to weaken.
And here he was doing it again. Mary had come to him with big news.
News that would change their lives.
And here he was continuing with his schedule of work events.
He needed to show Mary faith. To put his money where his mouth is.
That she, and the child she carried within, were of supreme importance to him.
He would change his life for them.
Matthew reached for his mobile to cancel the golf with Morton.
They had a wedding and honeymoon to plan!
He expected to find several messages from Mary waiting him when he picked up his iPhone. He had not looked at it during the sessions expecting her to sleep through the first and maybe be ready once his afternoon was done.
Instead he found only one message blinking. When he read it, his eyes narrowed. He moved the phone closer to his face. He really did need reading glasses.
Did it say what he thought it said?
I've returned to the UK. Couldn't leave Jerry to care for horses all on his own. We'll talk about things when you get back. Love Mary
He sat down on a bench outside the conference center. Activity buzzed around him.
He heard nothing.
She had left.
With a terse message that said nothing.
He was left with nothing.
It was all his fault. He had pushed her away with his insistence they go the whole way to marriage. She felt obliged to go along. Then when she came to her senses, she realized he had rushed her. She would have agreed to be pushed into a marriage for the sake of the baby. Eventually she would resent him completely.
And that's not making a go of things. If they couldn't agree on this, how could they hope to keep such a fragile marriage together?
She was probably right.
The noise of the hall returned to his ears. It reverbed around his head like a whirlpool.
Matthew forced himself to get up. His legs felt like heavy weights. He could hardly move.
He had been such a fool.
Would she even forgive him? So they could at least co-parent? So he could prove to her that he wasn't the type to push his own demands on those he supposedly loved.
Matthew fiddled with his mobile, fumbling on the keypad and cursing as he tried to find the words to say in response.
She was her own woman and could make up her own mind.
The only thing he could do was to be there for her.
That he would do. He answered I love you and will miss you until we meet again. I'll do whatever you want.
He gripped the mobile and placed it back in his jacket pocket and started to go somewhere, then realized. He had nowhere to go. It was late Saturday afternoon. The tourists mingled in the lobby. A parent ran after a wayward child. Couples arm in arm headed towards the cocktail lounge.
He watched a mother and father with their three children. The two younger children were being carried, one little girl her arms tightly wound around her father's neck. The oldest was looking down at a game app. The mom pointed to the exit and the husband nodded. The boy looked up and laughed at something his father had said and then all five headed to the revolving door.
Matthew observed, his heart tightening in his chest.
XX
Mary found Downton empty. She remembered that her parents were traveling in Scotland.
She put down her bag. The echo reverberated through the saloon. She knew full well when her father traveled he closed the house down, giving the staff paid days off rather than have strangers run about without his presence.
Matthew had thought that economically unfeasible. That he should trust the staff to run the house and the tours and the events during the day and shut it down in the evening. To make the house make money for the family.
He was probably right.
Matthew.
She had left Saturday morning while he was in his seminars. Had texted him a good bye to which he replied with what Mary realized was Matthew's version of despair.
Coward.
She was a coward.
In her worst moments during the long flight back home she called herself that. She had left without telling Matthew of her worries. Her concerns. Her fears.
He would hate her. He probably already did. He was better off without her. She'd ruin his life.
She already had.
Mary's thoughts were so confused, so disoriented because of the travel, the time changes, the exhaustion. She didn't want to stay here though. Alone.
Edith was away on a research trip with Bertie this time. Sybil was back in London with her studies.
She made a move up the stairs to put her bag in her room. On the landing she spied something in the corner. It was a button.
Matthew's shirt button from when they had abandoned all sense of decorum or decency and made love on the staircase. The urge to be with him too strong.
She gripped the button tight in her hand.
She could still feel his arms around her.
No, Downton held too many memories for to stay here alone.
Mary considered things for just a moment, and then made up her mind. Her granny was home, having arrived back from her annual trip to New York City in time for the holidays.
Mary picked up her bag and reset the alarm. She'd go stay with her.
It was not a time to be alone.
She got back in the Jaguar and turned out of the drive. Robert's mother lived only a short distance away, in one of the old estate houses where she lived largely on the investment income generated by her now dead husband. He had left her well provided for and though she lived carefully; her home was always a welcoming and warm space for Mary.
She had loved going there as a child. They shared a bond that grew over the years. Violet had said she saw herself in Mary. The pigheadness. The determination. The pride. Achievements made. Always looking for a new challenge. Violet had been her husband's right hand, his steady influence. It had been a generational thing, she had told Mary. Not to have a separate life of her own. A job. A career. She had given in to her station in life.
She had encouraged Mary to do the opposite.
And when Mary was in competition, Violet had hardly missed an event. She had been disappointed when Mary quit. But then old age had set in, and she could no longer attend as had before so the two did not see as much of each other.
Mary needed her granny now. Her advice. Her love.
She had to take someone into her confidence or go mad.
Matthew had upended her world. Her carefully organized world. She had a new career. A steady live in boyfriend. A good life.
And then her father asked that she wine and dine the new consultant he had hired. She had been icily dismissive. Resentful.
Of her father. Of the new consultant.
She was prepared to give him an eyeful in her skintight dress and fuck me shoes. Then blow him off as the wanking jackass he probably was.
Instead she fell in love.
Maybe not immediately. But his piercing blue eyes had noticed her. Her dress and her heels and her hair. He took them all in. And then he saw her.
Her ideas. Her dreams. Her opinions. He wanted to hear all about them. He listened.
She had no idea how affecting that had been.
To have someone simply listen.
And he had continued to do so. Throughout their dinners. The visit to Will Mason's and the purchase of Jellybean. The disastrous dinner at Downton with her father.
Their first kiss.
The weekend at Downton.
Should she have given him a chance then? Back in Las Vegas? Would he have listened to her doubts? Her fears? Or tried to persuade her that he was right. As most men in her life had done.
Mary went to the stables to make sure Jerry had everything well in hand. All the horses were fed and tended. She knew he would be utterly reliable. But she did feel some guilt leaving him with all the responsibilities. She needed to hire another full-time groom. Before the Berkshire Trials she and Jerry had made up a list, but had not felt the urgency. Now she did.
Those thoughts preoccupied her all the way to Violet's house. She pulled into the drive as was happy to see her Granny's car in the space adjacent to the two-story brick façade.
"Granny?" Mary opened the door. Her voice echoed down the hall.
"In the kitchen, my dear." The still strong voice of the 85-year-old responded. "Making a coffee. Would you like one?"
Mary poked her head inside. "I'd love one." She took a seat at the oak table. She felt bone tired.
"To what do I owe this honour?" Violet asked, pulling another cup from the shelf. "I got your message on that mechanism of the devil your father set up for me. Mrs. Hughes read it out before she left. But all it said was you wanted to stay the night."
"Mama and Papa are in Scotland. I didn't fancy being alone." Mary shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant. Then took a sip of the coffee. And asked suddenly, "Is this decaf?"
That was all it took.
"My dear?" Violet's eyebrow quirked. But then quickly took in Mary's weary appearance.
"Granny can we talk in the morning? I'm all in." Mary had used up all her energy in seeing Jerry and the horses.
"Of course. Of course." Violet didn't ask anything more. "I'll make you some hot tea and bring it to you. You know the way to the guest room."
At another unsettled look from Mary, Violet said, "One cup of tea will do no one any harm." And the two women understood each other.
Mary smiled wanly. "I am grateful Granny. Thank you." And she made her way up the stairs.
Violet watched her, not sure if she was to be happy for her grandchild. Or protective.
The next morning all became clear.
Mary felt so refreshed. She made a breakfast of boiled eggs and toast. She hardly ever ate eggs, but she had a craving.
Violet waited for Mary to speak.
When she was ready, Mary did. "I … I'm having a baby." She sat up in the chair.
"Well Well… This is a turn of events." Violet's gaze met her granddaughters. "I must admit to not liking your Henry very much. But if that's what has happened…"
"It's not Henry's Granny." Mary leaned forward, her voice monotone. "I've left him. We weren't right for each other."
Violet could not disagree with that. "I concur. But then who?" Violet's eyes were concerned. "It seems very sudden."
Mary took a deep breath. "It was … It is." She paused.
"I met a man…"
"Oh my dear that's the start of many a melodrama." Violet observed dryly.
The two women shared an ironic smile.
"His name is Matthew. Matthew Crawley oddly enough, though he's no relation to our family. He was hired by Papa to be a consultant over these recent financial difficulties at Grantham. We became business partners in my riding endeavours. He encouraged me to purse my passion. He was married when we first met, so I thought that was that."
"I've heard his name muttered in rather unsavoury tones by your father." Violet took another sip of the coffee Mary had brewed for her. "But I gave up long ago believing your father had any business sense so that probably means this Matthew Crawley gave good advice and Robert refused to listen." The matter of fact tone showed Mary that her granny had lost none of her wits.
"They are at odds, yes." Mary admitted. "I can't say I understand it completely. It seems to go beyond business. But neither man will give way."
"So what happened between you and this Matthew to change his circumstance?" Violet looked searchingly in Mary's face. She had never seen her granddaughter so vulnerable, so open to having her heart broken.
"He wanted to give us a chance, he told me. Said he loved me. He divorced his wife for me." Her face darkened. "It's all so confused. We've spent so little time together. It's not at all how I imagined marriage and children to happen."
"You do not feel the same?" Her granny's tone softened.
"I love him." Mary said, her voice cracked, near tears. Then suddenly she shrugged, "Or is it just hormones? Nesting? I'm not attuned to such things. I don't like being out of control like this. One minute I'm ready to take on the world. The next I want nothing more than to be with him forever." She idly rubbed her stomach in memory of Matthew's hands there.
"So that is what's troubling you child? Tell me." Her thin fingers reaching out to take Mary's hands. "My age has to be of some use after all. I hope I've some wisdom to part."
Mary took a deep breath and admitted the truth. "I went to America, where he's doing working for the next few weeks. To tell him about the baby. He was so happy. He was going to ask me to marry him. But it's ridiculous. I left. I got scared and left."
She turned gloom filled eyes towards her grandmother. "He'd resent me after awhile. Our marriage would be doomed."
Violet smiled at the certainty of youth. "Do you think so little of him? Of his love? I'd say he showed you he's a good man. I know marriage is not a serious matter these days as it was in my day when we were expected to stay together forty or fifty years. It's entered into on a whim and discarded…"
"Like Matthew's?" Mary blurted out. "Are you saying he discarded his wife on a whim?"
"No my dear." Her grandmother's grip tightened around her fingers. "I'm saying he's one of the few who took his vows seriously and aware enough to know when those same vows were put asunder. That his love for you was too strong."
"How do you know?" Mary questioned with a wry look. "You don't even know him."
"I know you. You are like me. Strong in will, but not always in tune with one's heart. Which I've been told is not just a pump to aid the flow of blood." Violet nodded her head solemnly. "He's chosen to be with you because he loves you. I think that is a good indication of the strength of your relationship."
"So what exactly are you saying?" Mary's brow furrowed. She had never heard her granny talk like this. "You are usually so practical."
"Give him the chance he asked for. Trust him."
Mary shivered. Could she do that? Could such happiness as they experienced already be so forever? Until the end of their days?
Violet then added, "I admit such a marriage is most peculiar. Your father will not understand."
"Or like it…" Mary reminded her ruefully. "He and Matthew seem to despise each other upon sight."
"Does that matter to you?"
Mary had to admit that it did not. "It's a separate issue. Matthew, I believe, has been as honest as he can with me. I'm not sure I can say the same of my father."
Violet looked over at Mary. "Then let them sort their differences. Do you want to be with Matthew? That is the question. You must make up your own mind."
"I do."
Violet said, "Then you have your answer."
XX
Matthew woke with a foul taste in his mouth.
He grimaced, annoyed he had forgotten to brush last night. Actually, he couldn't remember much of what he did last night besides veg out in front of the massive HD television and flip through the sports channels until he found Arsenal v Stoke City on one of the many ESPN channels. He had tried watching the Army v Navy football match but realized unless he had a more intimate knowledge of obscure American football rules and loyalties he'd never get it.
A few beers from the mini fridge and what turned out to be the most enormous sized cheeseburger and chips he had ever seen from room service, and he was done for. He threw himself down on the bed and slept.
He awoke stiff and ill tempered. Matthew showered quickly. Walked over to the hotel line phone and called the concierge to inquire whether there was any kind of rowing club in the vicinity. When the young man replied that he would call and set up a time and transportation to the newly created Las Vegas Rowing Club on the artificial lake about 35 minutes from the strip.
"Excellent." Matthew replied. He got dressed quickly in jeans, shirt, and jacket and threw his rowing jersey and thermal lycra bottom trousers in a bag. He brought the gear in the hopes of finding a place to row in his spare time. It always cleared his mind to get out alone on the river or in this case artificial lake.
It would do.
He wanted to every hour of every day to be filled with some kind of activity. With Mary returned to England, and their future uncertain, he didn't want to dwell any more than he did the night before.
Matthew was just about to leave when his mobile buzzed. He leapt on it.
Not Mary, but Morton. He sighed and answered. "Hello Michael." After a few minutes, he clicked off having agreed to meet him after he rowed for a trip about seven hours north of Vegas to Lake Tahoe. The golf had been cancelled in favour of investigating an investment opportunity Morton could not resist. A friend of a friend had let him in a potential good thing. Would Matthew or any of his investment clients back in the UK be interested? Of course, Matthew had replied. Anything but golf, he thought.
The rowing refreshed his spirit. The exertion just what he needed. The calming stroke. The serenity of the cool morning breeze. The quiet as his blade cut the water.
He would convince Mary that he would do whatever she wanted. He would make no demands on her nor force her into any marriage. He loved her. They had conceived a child in that love.
It was all. It was more than he could take in. He needed to see her again. He had considered the idea of cutting these seminars short, or finding someone to replace himself as head.
Matthew finished his routine, turned in the scull, and returned to the Aria in time to shower again and grab a coffee before meeting Morton downstairs.
Morton was out front. Matthew admired the car he drove. The Tesla Model S P90D demanded attention and respect. Ridiculously expensive, Matthew knew. It was also as fast as anything on the road.
Morton got out and threw the key fob to Matthew. "It'll do zero to sixty in 2.8 seconds in Ludicrous mode. Want to try it? It comes with that auto-pilot capability, but who wants that? I told Elon I wanted to drive this baby myself when I picked it up."
"Will it get us all the way to Lake Tahoe?" Matthew asked as he slid into the driver's seat. Morton closed the passenger door.
"The pad will tell us where there's a station to recharge battery. We should only need to do that once as it gets over 300 miles per charge. Just tell the car to navigate us to South Lake Tahoe. We're going to look at properties near the Heavenly Ski Resort Gondola."
Matthew floored the Tesla once they were on the interstate between two cities. It handled exactly as Morton had promised. The ride was joyous. Acceleration effortless and quiet. He loved his Porsche dearly, but this car was so nimble, so quick.
They got to Tahoe in record time.
Morton guided Matthew directly to the car lot next to the offices of his real estate partners once in South Lake Tahoe. They then joined the other agents on a trip around several condominium developments. After lunch they returned to Vegas.
It was dark as they pulled back into the Aria lot. Matthew had thought it a good day's work. He had promised several of his clients back in England to look into lucrative investments and this fit the bill nicely. He made no agreements, however. He told Morton he'd have to look into the numbers far more closely before he'd make any contract. But if it all worked out, Matthew would make a tidy sum himself as well.
But for the moment, he was exhausted. The drive was exhilarating but the day took all he had.
Matthew said his good-bye and wearily took the elevator back to his suite and undressed for the night, pulling on a pair of what the American clerk at the hotel shop called sweat pants and a t shirt.
He slept deep into the next day.
The knock on his door disturbed that slumber. It was insistent.
Scowling and pulling his fingers through his hair, he stumbled over to the door. At least he remembered to brush his teeth.
He opened the door.
And almost died.
Mary stood outside.
They stared at each other.
Long moments went by.
Finally Mary said, "Are you going to let me in?"
He blinked. Then his eyes went wide as he realized what he was doing. He could not believe she had come back.
"How stupid of me. Of course." And he opened the door wide.
Mary smiled at his as bewilderment. She walked inside Matthew's suite. He followed quickly.
Can we sit?"
Matthew nodded.
"I'm sorry for leaving so suddenly." Mary said as she took the chair near the doors leading out to the terrace. "It was just…"
"The horses?" Matthew asked with a knowing look that it was otherwise.
She gave him a searching look. "And myself. And you. I wasn't sure about anything. I let it get to me."
"And now?" He hoped against hope.
"Are you sure?" She asked it quietly.
They locked eyes. "I am." His voice warm and steady.
"We have so much baggage Matthew. How can we even think to make a go of it?" Mary wanted to be sensible. To be sure. But his sincere eyes, his open mouth, and tousled hair distracted her. "I need to know that we're not being foolish. Letting our feeling for each other get in the way of what we should do."
"Which is what?" He clasped her hand. Knelt before her. His mouth curled into a slow smile. His fingers glided gently over her knuckles.
"I don't know…" She felt his touch. His love. His faith. Her voice trembled and trailed off.
"Then let's find out together." She gasped as his grip got a bit firmer. His voice a touch more assured.
"Lady Mary Crawley, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?"
Mathew looked deep into Mary's brown eyes. He wished hard for her response.
Her face suddenly lit up with the biggest, warmest smile he had ever seen from her. She felt her doubts fade, her strength in her love for this man take over.
"Yes." She said. "Yes, Matthew."
He blushed and bowed his head in utter astonishment and relief.
They were actually going to do this.
He stood up next to her. He started to laugh. She joined in. They kissed.
We're mad." She exclaimed as his arms wrapped around her.
"As hatters…but who cares." He swung her up into his arms and twirls her around. She felt giddy and released from her fears for the moment.
A moment of pure happiness and joy neither wanted to end.
He set her down.
They kissed again. Matthew let go of her lips with regret. "Are you hungry?"
"I had breakfast on the flight." Mary gazed out the terraced window onto the Las Vegas strip. It was quite the view.
"What time is it anyway?" Matthew screwed his face in confusion.
"Almost noon. What have you been doing all this time? Out with the boys?" She gave him a sly smile.
"I have you know I worked all day yesterday." He cracked back defensively.
She gave a doubtful arch of her eye.
Matthew puckered his lips and admitted with a grin, "And drove a smashingly fast car."
"So you didn't miss me at all?" Her voice tried to sound insouciant, but she was unable to make it completely untroubled.
"I missed you terribly." He acknowledged her brave attempt at humour. "I rather despaired when I got your text."
Matthew turned into the bedroom to change into some jeans and shirt.
She followed him in and sat down on the bed. "I want this to work Matthew. I won't apologize for my doubts." Mary said firmly.
Matthew shook his head. "I wouldn't expect you to. You've lived your life and I've lived mine. We haven't known each other very long. I had doubts too. I think it's natural."
He sat down next to her on the bed. "What changed your mind to come back?"
Mary leaned her head on his shoulder. "I talked with my grandmother. She told me to follow my heart which rather frightened me because I think I've been running away from just that for most of my life."
Their fingers intertwined.
"And now?" Matthew asked softly.
"Now I think my heart has found its home."
His breath was hot next to her ear. "And where is that?" He kissed her cheek lightly.
"Inside yours."
Mary reached for his mouth and just barely touching at first, their lips came together in a crashing, burning kiss. "Mary … Mary…" The sound of his voice was resonant and rich. Dark with desire and love.
They fell back onto the still mussed bed sheets.
She let go briefly. "Shall we get married here?" His mouth was kissing each of her fingers. "Or wait?"
"Do you want to wait?" He sounded despairing.
"No."
"Good." He continued to kiss and nibble the palm of her hand.
"But how do we even get a marriage license here? Or find somewhere to perform the ceremony?" She was slowly succumbing to his touch as she asked these most practical of questions.
"Funny you should mention that…." Matthew's last coherent thought, "…I saw the perfect place just yesterday."
But any further explanation would have to wait as Mary's fingers began to unbutton his shirt and he gave in to total bliss.
XX
:) Going to the chapel…next time. I hope you liked this
[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]
BY E. E. CUMMINGS
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)