Chapter 13.
The silence on the way grew painful as the hours passed. Without Olaf, it seemed as though sound had been banished from the world. Kristoff was as deep in his thoughts as Anna was in hers, and it was only when they neared Nygård's that she finally spoke. Even then, Kristoff didn't reply, merely grunted and made the turn. He hadn't remembered, and was glad for a few moments to himself while Anna was inside.
As they neared the spa, Anna's thoughts turned back to Gudrun, to how she saw her friend and whether it was as innocent as she'd always imagined. She already knew it was hard not to look at the woman's chest, but who wouldn't? Gudrun had never made comment about it, and she wasn't the type to hold things back. Still, the more Anna considered it the harder it became to deny that she felt differently around Gudrun than she did other women.
It wasn't a romantic feeling, of that she was certain, but physically … there was a reaction. It didn't always happen, but there were times—especially in the hot spring together—when her heart beat faster and she couldn't look without turning red. She'd always dismissed it as a reaction to the heat of the water, but if she was honest she knew that wasn't the reason.
Am I really attracted to her? Something Grand Pabbie said came back to her. Did she have the same reaction when a handsome man walked by? No, I don't. He was right; thinking about seeing them naked is just—she cut off her thought and glanced at Kristoff. He was cute, he was nice, he was fun to be around, but when they kissed she felt nothing vaguely resembling what she'd expected she would.
She tried to imagine kissing Gudrun. She could, but she knew she never actually would. Not because it made her shiver, although it did, but because deep inside she realized Gudrun wouldn't like it. Gudrun didn't look at other women the way Anna did. She'd known that since they first met, though until now it never seemed important. She couldn't imagine past that, either.
Maybe Grand Pabbie was wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. In all the times she'd been with her friend in the hot springs, she'd never had the slightest thought resembling what she remembered from her vision. If she really did like women, shouldn't there be some kind of reaction to seeing one undressed—especially one as good looking as Gudrun? Well, there is a reaction, but that's just embarrassment, isn't it? Gudrun was used to being nude around other women; Anna had never seen someone other than herself, so of course she'd look, wouldn't she?
It wasn't like she'd considered, even for a moment, doing more than look, either. I haven't, have I? Besides, Gudrun wasn't one to mince words; if Anna was staring too hard she'd say something. She pictured kissing the blonde again. This time, it raised a strange sort of guilt that made her shift uncomfortably. She didn't think Gudrun would get angry, though she'd certainly be shocked, but Anna felt guilty just the same. That guilt came from somewhere else, somewhere Anna didn't particularly want to explore. If I did kiss her, I'd be cheating on Kristoff; that's what, it has to be.
While that was true, she already knew it was over with him and just thinking was no reason to feel guilty in the first place. Even so, it still felt like she was being unfaithful, but to whom? The train of thought was quickly heading in a direction Anna was desperate to avoid, but as she tried to force it out of the way, the kiss she'd given Elsa rose in her thoughts. She did more than shiver mentally; Kristoff glanced at her when she physically shuddered. Turning pink, she smiled wanly at him and turned away. There's no way that's the reason. She couldn't be in love with Elsa, and even if she was, Elsa would like the idea less than Gudrun. "A lot less," she mumbled. She'd get frozen for the effort.
Kristoff glanced over at Anna a second time. She was muttering about her sister again. I wonder what's going through her head. She almost looks like … nah, she'd never be thinking about Elsa that way. But if she is … she never looked at me like that. He shook his head and forced his attention away. He didn't want to think about it just yet. There were too many things running through his head and Anna's expression was at the bottom of the list. Anna went silent again and he sighed before urging Sven to move a little faster.
Half an hour later, they pulled up at the spa and Anna quickly climbed down and went inside, eager for a few deep breaths before finding Gudrun. Her friend was remarkably perceptive and Anna didn't want any long explanations for being nervous. She tucked her necklace under her blouse. There was enough to worry about without having to explain how she got it.
Gudrun was in the back, and Anna bounced on her toes waiting for the younger Nygård sister to fetch her. She was staring at the rough beams of the ceiling when Gudrun came in, and jumped when she realized she was no longer alone.
"Hey, Gudrun! How's it go—" she suddenly imagined kissing the taller woman once more and turned red "—ing?" No. No no no! Don't … stop thinking about it! She found herself staring at Gudrun's lips, red and inviting, and quickly averted her gaze as she realized what she was doing, only to stare even more keenly at Gudrun's breasts. The panic and guilt started tumbling in her stomach, but as hard as she tried, she couldn't take her eyes off of them.
Gudrun narrowed her gaze. "It's going," she responded slowly. Anna was clearly uncomfortable, but she couldn't imagine why. "How did it go up in the Valley?" When her friend turned slightly pale, she wondered if she'd hit one of the reasons for Anna's unusual nervousness.
"Um … it went … ok." Anna coughed and forced her attention to Gudrun's eyes, drifted down to her lips again and dropped her gaze to the floor. "I know we're back early, so if you weren't finished with that basket…."
"I'm finished. I need to put everything together, but that's it. Come on back." Gudrun stepped aside to allow Anna past her into the hall, and the two walked silently down the corridor and around the corner to the workshop. "I did two different soaps," she said to break the silence. "One will lather in colder water than the other, so I thought the Queen might like it for her hands."
Anna started and let out a weak laugh. "Soap, right. Elsa loves nice-smelling soap." She went from studying Gudrun's body to imagining Elsa in the bath in an instant, and it was enough to make it hard to breathe. Stop right now, Anna. You're overreacting because of that stupid vision.
"Anna, are you ok?"
With another weak laugh, Anna nodded. "Just tired. It's a long ride up and back." It was longer in silence. If she'd had things to think about less terrifying than what she'd seen about Elsa, it might have been a pleasant silence, but as it was it only reinforced her confusion. That Kristoff seemed unperturbed by—even welcoming—it made her worry she'd let something slip she didn't want to.
Gudrun studied her. Something was definitely wrong. Anna kept looking at her breasts with an expression suggesting she was more aware of the habit than she had been that morning. More aware and more embarrassed, as if she was staring for the very reason Gudrun had dismissed after the Princess left. What happened up there? She sure jumped when I mentioned the Queen.
Unwilling to push the matter, she turned and started filling the large wicker basket she'd chosen to hold the selection of items she'd made along with what the Princess picked out that morning. She could still feel Anna's gaze and shifted uncomfortably.
After a few long seconds, Anna realized she was staring again and needed to say something to break the tenseness of the air. "Oh, you promised to meet Kristoff!"
"I did, didn't I?" Gudrun glanced at her. "Did you warn him?"
"About what?"
With a chuckle, Gudrun turned back to her work. "That I'm probably taller than he is."
Anna considered her for a moment. It was clear her friend knew she was nervous and trying to pretend she didn't. "I've described you plenty of times." She managed to chuckle herself. "Besides, Kristoff is easy going about pretty much everything, so even if you are it won't throw him too far. I think he has an inch or so on you, though."
Why hasn't she ever described him to me, then? Girly blond hair aside, that was. Gudrun had to admit to being curious, despite her discomfort at meeting someone else from the orphanage. "That's good."
She turned back to her work. Her curiosity had been growing since that morning, for some reason. Maybe it was the way Anna insisted on the promise but never told her what he looked like. Whatever the reason, Gudrun was finally ready to meet him. I hope I don't know him. She shook herself and reached for the last of the candles. Anna had turned her attention to the wall, bouncing on her toes again. Whatever's up, she's really rattled.
Anna was rattled. As much as she wanted to dismiss the feelings rushing through her, she knew they were real. She'd all but admitted to Grand Pabbie that she found women attractive in a physical sense, but to actually feel it was unsettling. Goddess, please make it stop. She tried to convince herself that she was only reacting because she'd been dwelling on the idea for two hours, which went as far as a glance back at her friend.
It was pointless; Gudrun's body hit her in places it shouldn't, and nothing she did would change the fact. She'd known it in the sleigh and she knew it now. The reaction wasn't particularly strong, but it was there. Has it always been obvious and I just wouldn't listen to myself? I'm not really that dense—am I? Ugh … This can't be happening to me. It just can't. With an inner groan, she turned her attention back to the wall, hoping her friend would be finished soon and she could escape the reality closing in on her.
Kristoff was so wrapped up in thought that he didn't process that Anna was calling him until the third time she yelled his name. Finally, he turned to look at her, and when he did, his jaw dropped. The blonde beside the Princess looked like she'd stepped out of a story about the Valkyrie. Without thinking, he leapt to his feet, only to crack his head sharply against a branch of the tree he'd stopped under. With a yelp, he grabbed the back of his head, hearing laughter from both women.
"You didn't mention he was as clumsy as you," Gudrun giggled quietly, taking in the image of the blond rubbing the back of his head and trying to appear like he meant to nearly knock himself out. I see what she means about his hair. The rest of Kristoff was anything but girly, however, and it took a few moments before she remembered she was staring at her best friend's boyfriend. Embarrassed, she looked away.
"I didn't?" Anna didn't try to hide her amusement quite as much as Gudrun. "Kristoff, come down and meet Gudrun!"
Clearing his throat, Kristoff got down and strode toward the pair. Gudrun, he assumed the blonde to be, got better looking the closer he got to her. Trying to maintain an air of cool detachment, he stopped and smiled. "Nice to meet you, Gudrun." When he stuck out his hand, he was impressed by the strength with which the blonde shook it.
"It's nice to meet you, too." Gudrun studied him. Now that he was closer, something tickled the back of her memory. Not about a Kristoff, but another boy from the orphanage. What was his name? She was relieved he wasn't one of the boys who tormented her, but she couldn't shake the feeling she knew him.
Kristoff was having similar thoughts, though he couldn't think of a girl named Gudrun during his stay at the orphanage. "So, you put up with Anna, huh?"
With a laugh, Gudrun nodded, then laughed harder when Anna punched Kristoff in the arm. "So do you, I guess?"
"Nah, she's easy to put up with," Kristoff responded, ignoring Anna's attempts at pinching him. "Usually."
"I know what you mean." Gudrun continued to study him, trying to understand why she felt she knew him. "You sell ice, hmm?" When Kristoff nodded, she cocked her head. "You must get on pretty well with the Queen, then."
Kristoff coughed. "Oh, um…" Kristoff looked helplessly at Anna, who bit her lip and blushed slightly. "We … yeah, we get along all right. We don't really talk ice, though. Mine isn't magic."
That was vague. The way Anna was looking at her with a warning expression was even more confusing. "So, this is Sven?" Gudrun moved quickly toward the reindeer, who was looking at her with his own expression—a remarkably human one, she thought. "He's handsome."
"Thank you." Sven tossed his head. "So are you."
Raising her eyebrows, Gudrun looked at Anna, who smiled nervously back. She said he talked to his reindeer, she never said the reindeer talked back. And since reindeer can't actually speak, that means…. She blushed and turned back to Sven, hoping there wouldn't be any more comments Anna might not want to hear.
"He meant pretty," Kristoff shifted nervously. Of all the times for Sven to get chatty! "Well, more than pretty, but he … he's a little awkward around people." Gudrun looked completely baffled and a little worried, and he decided Sven would get a talking to when they got home. He coughed again and did his best to appear nonchalant.
Anna saw the expression on Kristoff's face and raised an eyebrow. She'd never seen him so dumbstruck by a woman; usually he glanced and moved on. He was staring at Gudrun like she was a goddess out of a painting. Well, she kinda looks like one. She'd seen plenty of men stare at her friend, but the look in Kristoff's eye was different. It was almost like the one on Elsa's face the first time she and Anna met the day of the coronation—though Elsa was just pleased to see her. I would bet money they know each other. That's probably why he's looking at her the same way Elsa looked at me.
"You know, when Anna told me you were in the same orphanage as I was, I was a little nervous to meet you." Gudrun turned and caught Kristoff staring. A blush rose in her cheeks. Anna was looking at him, too, clearly not liking his expression.
"I don't remember you," Kristoff responded quickly, not considering how his words might be taken. "I'm pretty sure I'd remember someone like you."
Gudrun's blush intensified. "I was pretty scrawny back then. I mostly hid in my room, anyway."
"I was kinda scrawny myself. I got beat up more than once." Kristoff shifted. "I was glad to be out of that place, that's for sure."
Anna, looking between the pair, began to realize that Gudrun was giving Kristoff the same once over he'd given her. Seriously? Gudrun had little use for men. It wasn't that she disliked them, she just found them irritating. Given some of the remarks Anna had overheard customers making toward the blonde, she couldn't fault her. Right now, she was looking at Kristoff with an expression suggesting she regretted not meeting him sooner. For some reason, even though she'd hounded Gudrun into meeting him in the first place, it irked her when they both glanced at her and immediately looked away, blushing.
It wasn't that she was angry they seemed taken with each other; it was actually something of a relief. What annoyed her was that they were so obvious in trying to avoid appearing to be. She'd expected them to like each other; she hadn't expected it to be more than a friendly meeting. It felt like she was suddenly a third wheel and it didn't sit well.
Gudrun caught Anna's frown from the corner of her eye and coughed. Of course she isn't trying to play match-maker. She wasn't as irritated as Gudrun would expect her to be, but Gudrun had no intention of being more than polite to her best friend's boyfriend. The situation was quickly growing awkward and she started trying to pull away without making it obvious she knew she was partly to blame for it.
"We should get going." Anna tried to keep the annoyance out of her voice. "I want to catch Elsa before dinner if I can." Putting the basket in the back of the sleigh, she climbed up onto the bench and looked at Gudrun and Kristoff with as pleasant an expression as she could muster. She was nervous about talking to Elsa, given the previous several hours, but she didn't want to watch her boyfriend—if only for the moment—and her best friend staring dumbfounded at each other either.
Kristoff broke his gaze from Gudrun's face. She really did look familiar, but he was certain he'd never heard that name in the orphanage. Anna was upset, too. She was trying to pretend she wasn't, but she never did a good job of hiding her emotions. Rubbing the back of his head, which was still tender, he coughed. "Yeah, I suppose we should … you know … um … me and Anna … we're going back to … that is…" he trailed off and blushed.
Gudrun sensed his confusion and wondered why he felt that way. Does he like me? That could prove problematic, but for now she did her best to bring out the professional neutrality she used at work. "Let me know how the Queen likes the basket, okay?" After Anna nodded, she turned her politest smile on Kristoff. "It's very nice to meet you finally. Anna talks about you all the time." The lie slipped out before she could catch it.
Kristoff blushed again. "I, ah, yeah. Nice to meet you too." He joined Anna on the sleigh's bench and picked up the reins. Gudrun waved and he nudged Sven into movement. The ride thus far was uncomfortable, but he had a sinking feeling it would get more uncomfortable when they were out of sight of the spa. He didn't know why he reacted the way he did, and being unable to explain himself to Anna wouldn't go well.
Beside him, Anna stared at the road, chewing on her lip. She was upset, but didn't want to say something she didn't really mean. The only positive was the slight possibility Kristoff was taken with Gudrun in a way that meant he wouldn't be quite so devastated when she told him she wasn't in love with him. It made her angry, but at the same there was a tiny sigh of relief. She had too much to think about to decide which she wanted; either way he was looking, and that meant something important.
Leaning back, she turned her attention to the sky. She had to start somewhere, she just didn't know where. She was alone in it, too; the only two people she could talk to about it were the two she was so confused about. With an annoyed sigh, she closed her eyes and tried to make some sense of the muddle in her mind.
Elsa wasn't sure she'd ever been so happy to see the castle gates. The tour ran long, partially thanks to the rescue of young Peter, and after almost six hours she was more than ready to be rid of her companions. After leaving the farm, little was said about her unplanned display of magic, but it was clear the matter was on the minds of all four men riding with her.
Finally, the carriage stopped in the courtyard and the party disembarked. Elsa tried to stretch surreptitiously, knowing that rubbing her temples wouldn't be missed. She had a headache, and wanted nothing more than a short nap before yet another dinner. While she was contemplating how to graciously remove herself, a second presence drew her attention. Startled, she looked at Herr Carlsbaad with a weak smile.
"I do hope you enjoyed your tour," she said in her most polite voice, "and that Grottony will be satisfied that our obligations can be met as they always have."
"Indeed." The man made a noise very similar to a snort, though not quite as obvious. "It has been a most … unexpectedly enlightening … day."
Elsa inclined her head slightly, puzzled at his words. "Did you have questions I could answer? Mister Johansen is more knowledgeable than I am in the particulars of our trade, but I would do my best—"
"Yes, yes, Your Majesty. I'm aware of that." Herr Carlsbaad smiled, softening the insult Elsa thought she heard in his voice. "If you will excuse me for saying, it has been your company that has provided me with the most to consider."
"I'm sorry?"
The portly man cleared his throat. "You are aware of your reputation outside of Arendelle, Your Majesty; I am forced now to admit that it seems incomplete." He bowed slightly. "In fact, I believe our Prince Rudolph would find you most charming."
Confused, Elsa drew her brows together. The prince was third in line for the throne of Grottony, and the comment sounded suspiciously like Herr Carlsbaad was suggesting he might be a suitable partner for the Queen of Arendelle. Great. Just what I don't want to deal with. She managed to keep her voice neutral when she responded, "I haven't had the pleasure of meeting him."
"He's a boor!" Monsieur Salome clearly didn't care that his tone was insulting, or that he was interrupting a private conversation. "Hardly someone Your Majesty would find tolerable."
"How dare you!" Herr Carlsbaad roared back. "Prince Rudolph is most certainly worthy of Her Majesty's attention!"
The Farsish trade counsel waved a hand in dismissal. "The beauty of your creation shows that you clearly appreciate the arts and sciences, Your Majesty. Farson is well known as the cultural center of Euralia, and there are half a dozen members of the Royal house who would better suit your interests. Prince Rudolph considers drinking to be a high sport."
Elsa started to panic as the two men glared at each other. Over their shoulders, she saw both Lord Aife and Mister Johansen trotting quickly her way. "I'm sure they are quite—"
"I insist that you consider Prince Rudolph if you entertain one of the fops Farson would attempt to foist on you," Herr Carlsbaad interrupted angrily.
"It would be wasted trip," Monsieur Salome retorted. "You haven't the standing to suggest such a thing to Her Majesty in the first place!"
"Nor do you!"
Closing her eyes, Elsa forced the chill rapidly descending to disperse. She then managed to maintain a slightly disinterested air. "I appreciate that you both have reconsidered your opinions of me, but I am not ready for the attentions of gentlemen in the manner you suggest. It isn't necessary to engage each other over the matter." She didn't bother getting upset with their lack of decorum; one thing she'd learned is stepping between the two when they were arguing was suicide.
"Gentlemen!" Mister Johansen reached the trio in time to hear Elsa's comment, and apparently read the situation instantly. "Lord Aife and I would very much like to hear your thoughts regarding our trade agreements in the areas we toured today. Let us retire to the gentleman's study for brandy and discussion."
Elsa drew in a breath to correct his use of the name for the room used for semi-formal meetings; it was decorated in a more manly style than the rest of the castle, but she hated the term "gentleman's study" when she was often present as well. Still, of all the arguments to make as far as the equality of women in government, it was one of the least important.
Instead, she smiled and nodded. "That sounds like a lovely idea; you may discuss the particulars of agreements while I prepare for dinner." She tried to make it sound like she was more interested in dressing than she actually was, but it was an excuse she'd learned almost always worked.
"Prince Rudolph is well-versed in matters of importance to an elegant lady such as yourself," Herr Carlsbaad replied. "He oversees our Tailor's Guild and keeps up to date on the latest fashions. I would hold him against any of Farson's pretentious nobility."
"He wears the same dresses," Monsieur shot back. "Of course he's aware of women's haut couture."
The Grottonian envoy bristled. "Farson purchases a great number of garments from us, so obviously you are aware of your inferiority where—"
Elsa cleared her throat loudly and he stopped. "Every country has sought after items, does it not? What would be the point of trade if they didn't? Certainly it would disadvantage those who do require materials that allow them to create their quality goods."
Apparently, the men all took her words as a veiled threat, because they straightened up and smiled disarmingly. "Of course, Your Majesty. An astute observance." Monsieur Salome's voice was almost as oily as Lord Aife's. "Some nations provide more superior goods, of course, such as—"
Mister Johansen interrupted again. "Gentlemen, I think matters of trade are best discussed privately, as you'll certainly agree."
"Indeed; Grottony does lack in decorum in most things." Monsieur Salome's words started the argument all over again; worse, they started extolling the virtues of their own possible suitors with even more fervor. Elsa closed her eyes and wished she could freeze something that would make them shut up without causing an incident. It did nothing to calm the argument, so she sighed and settled in to let Mister Johansen and Lord Aife try to get things back on course.
Anna didn't know whether she was happy to see the castle or scared of who waited within the gates. The ride became even more awkward after leaving Nygård's, and she'd almost forgotten about Elsa while struggling with how to take the clear spark between Kristoff and Gudrun—and what it meant for her and the mountain man. Almost. The closer they got to town, the more heavily her heart thudded in anticipation of seeing her sister.
It'll be fine. Once I see her, I'll know this whole thing isn't what I worried it would be. She'd surrendered trying to pretend she didn't find women more attractive than men; her few minutes with Gudrun confirmed that beyond a doubt. It was a strange relief, but it left only Elsa to worry about. There's no way I'm in love with my own sister. Just because I think she's beautiful doesn't mean I'm attracted to her.
Kristoff sensed Anna tensing beside him and glanced at her. He was a little confused that she hadn't mentioned the way he fumbled through meeting Gudrun. She was clearly unhappy about it, but she'd remained silent. He couldn't figure out how to explain himself, either. He didn't understand why he reacted the way he did; he'd met attractive women before, and he'd never fallen on his face over one. It was obvious enough that Anna saw, and that confused him even more.
We must've been in the orphanage together; why can't I remember her? Gudrun didn't remember him, either—at least she said she didn't. She said she was scrawny; I guess girls can bulk up like I did. She's really solid, though. And curvy. And those eyes…. Kristoff wondered for a moment if meeting Gudrun wasn't accidental. Anna had been trying to get them together almost since she met the blonde woman—why was it today that Gudrun agreed? Was it supposed to happen, so that he'd realize he needed to tell Anna the first chance he got?
That brought its own host of worries. As much as he felt Anna wasn't in love with him, her reaction raised a fear she actually was. He glanced at her again; she was staring at the castle with a stony expression. What is she thinking about so hard? He sighed. Any other time, he'd ask and she'd tell him without hesitation. Any other time, they'd be acting like the couple they were supposed to be. Any other time, he wouldn't be almost nauseous about what he had to do and that he had to do it soon.
Anna noticed that Kristoff kept looking at her sideways, like he wanted to say something, or expected her to. There was plenty she wanted to, but nothing she dared. She knew she'd end up taking her frustration and confusion about the vision out on Kristoff, and it wasn't fair to him to do so. Still, the silence was driving her crazier than she already was. With a sigh, she turned to him and tried to smile.
"Quite the day, huh?"
Startled, Kristoff jumped. "Huh? Oh—yeah, quite the day." He laughed weakly. "A lot more than I expected."
"Yeah." Anna bounced on the seat. "Um, Kristoff … about Gudrun…." She watched him stiffen, his face turning flat. "I … ah … I couldn't help noticing you seemed to like her."
"She seems nice," Kristoff responded, trying to avoid blushing.
Anna drew in her breath. She didn't want to start a discussion about it now, but she had to say something or she'd explode. "She is. I … um … I'd like to talk about that later, ok? I mean, I felt a little ignored there, and it was really awkward, so … not that I'm unhappy you two finally met! I just felt like … well … it's not like I'm mad because you were looking at someone else—well, ok, I'm a little mad, but I don't want to discuss it right now, so later, ok?"
Kristoff blinked several times. Anna seemed nervous, and something told him it had less to do with him than her sister. The way she babbled was telling. "Later, yeah. That's fine. I know we have stuff to talk about, so … um … yeah."
An awkward silence fell. Anna bounced some more. They were getting closer to the bridge leading to the castle, and her nerves were buzzing with an energy that left her feeling like she was going to come out of her skin. "Stop obsessing about Elsa," she muttered before realizing Kristoff would hear her.
He did hear, and wondered why Anna instantly turned red. He watched her lift a hand and clutch her blouse at the chest, probably over the crystal still hidden underneath. She seemed even more distressed than she had when they first left the valley. Something tells me it's going to be an awkward night between those two. He wondered if Elsa would notice something was wrong. He wondered how many other people would. He wondered if Anna would notice others noticing. He wished he could head off what was coming, and knew he couldn't. It was between the sisters alone.
They reached the bridge. Anna tried desperately to find some calm inside the storm rapidly engulfing her emotions. She felt the hardness of the crystal in her hand and wondered what would happen when she finally came face-to-face with Elsa. Kristoff didn't speak again, and within only a few minutes they were in the courtyard and there was no more time to prepare.
"So, I'll see you tomorrow?" Anna tried to sound like she wasn't ready to collapse into a heap of anxiety.
"Um, actually … I have deliveries tomorrow." Kristoff shifted. It was true, but usually he could make time for Anna on the days he had to work. This time, he welcomed a day to himself. "Maybe day after tomorrow?"
Not wanting to show her relief, Anna nodded. "That sounds fine. Um, thanks for the ride." She retrieved the basket from the back of the sleigh and nodded at Kristoff again. "See you day after tomorrow."
Kristoff just nodded back and clucked at Sven. The reindeer glanced back and tossed his head with a snort before starting to move. Anna watched the sleigh pass through the gates again before closing her eyes and taking several deep breaths. Ok, she's probably inside working. I have time to calm down.
Then she looked up and went white. Elsa stood by the front doors of the castle, talking with the group she'd taken the tour with. There was no way to get inside without passing her. Worse, parts of the vision came roaring back. The feeling of a woman's skin against hers, the sound of a familiar voice pleading, a breath coming in gasps—no! Oh, no. This can't be happening. This isn't happening. Looking at her sister left her with no excuses to deny it, though. It was Elsa she'd seen in the misty vision. In that surreal moment, in that room she knew but didn't, she and her sister made love—and every fiber of her being wanted to do it again.
Anna almost dropped to her knees. Elsa noticed her and lifted a hand in greeting, but Anna couldn't respond. All she could do was stare and pray she was merely losing her mind, that she wasn't really—Freyja, please …
Elsa cocked her head in confusion. She hadn't noticed her sister's arrival, and there was no sign of Kristoff or the sleigh that suggested he was still there. Anna was staring at her, seemingly rooted in place. She was too far away to be sure, but Elsa was almost positive her sister was terrified.
It was an excuse to get away from the ongoing discussion about the merits of various men, and she smiled politely at the group. "Please, excuse me, gentlemen. I look forward to seeing you at dinner." Without waiting for response, she started across the courtyard toward her sister, who still hadn't moved.
She's coming this way. Nonono—why? Anna's panic increased the closer Elsa got. As the blonde's features came into sharper focus, Anna's body started to grow warm, the heat rising with every step Elsa took toward her. It was subtle, but there was no denying it and she realized the heat was coming from the crystal resting against the skin of her chest. The crystal Bulda said would help her recognize her True Love was pulsing with a subtle—but impossible to ignore—warmth.
Elsa wondered why her sister's expression turned to sheer panic as she neared her. What happened? "Anna?" She finally got close enough to speak. "Are you alright?"
The Queen's voice, gentle, concerned, melodious, shuddered through Anna's body and she wondered if she might faint before she could make her feet move. Elsa looked concerned, and confused. Anna opened her mouth, but nothing came out. If Elsa came any closer … imagining her sister's soft body pressed against hers in a hug was too much. With a whimper, Anna forced herself into motion.
"Anna?" Her sister was coming toward Elsa now, but it was clear she wasn't pleased. "What's wrong?"
Anna got within touching distance before the panic won. Elsa's worried face was too close, and it would be too easy to kiss her, and Anna had to escape. She ducked her head and pushed past, shaking off her sister's hand when Elsa tried to stop her. She heard her name again and broke into a run.
Elsa's jaw dropped. What the— Anna never refused contact, but she yanked her arm away from Elsa's hand like Elsa was going to freeze her with the touch. Worse, the redhead was now running full speed toward the castle, ignoring everyone in the courtyard. "Anna!"
Fighting tears, Anna ignored the guards who saluted as she crossed into the main hall and shouldered her way through the small group of courtiers standing there before taking the stairs two at a time and bursting onto the private wing. Only when she was inside her room, with the door securely locked, did she allow herself to feel the terror fully.
"It's true. It's really true." She slumped to the floor, dropping the basket beside her before burying her face in her hands. It can't be. This isn't real. The tears finally came. Of all the ways she'd imagined meeting her True Love, this was so inconceivable she wouldn't believe it possible if not for her own memories and the heat of the crystal still warming her chest. She was in love with Elsa. "No," she whispered raggedly before starting to sob again.
True Love doesn't always appear in a flourish of rose petals. It can be as simple as opening your eyes one day and seeing someone in a different light.
Grand Pabbie's words echoed in her head. The troll was right; there were no rose petals, no rainbows or harps, but Anna could no longer deny what was in her heart—what she'd known was there all along. It was hidden deep within, but it had been there for a long time. Anna knew that now, and it was so overwhelming that she screamed in an attempt to expend some tiny part of the emotions washing over her.
Elsa heard the scream as she came onto the hall. Anna sounded like she was in agony. She'd followed her sister as quickly as she dared, knowing it wasn't very regal but not caring that she was being stared at as intently as her sister. Now she broke into a full run and pushed at Anna's door; it was locked.
"Anna? Anna, let me in."
Elsa's voice was unexpected and Anna swirled back before remembering the door was locked. The heavy oak between them wasn't enough to keep her from feeling the same panic rising again. She didn't answer—she couldn't. She couldn't speak without saying the words that would make her sister hate her.
"Anna? Open the door!" Elsa banged against the wood. She heard faint sobs but Anna didn't respond. "What is wrong? What happened?" She tried the knob again, as if it might now turn. It didn't. "If you don't open this door I'm going to knock it down." She could freeze the lock and shatter it, but the threat was merely an attempt to get a response.
Anna knew her sister could break in easily, and finally controlled her tears enough to get words out. "Go away!"
"Please, Anna—"
"Go away!" Anna's voice went up in panic. "Just leave me alone!"
Elsa's breath caught. How many times had Anna been the one begging for a door to be opened? Did she feel the same helpless confusion? For a second, Elsa considered actually breaking the lock, but knew it wouldn't make Anna more willing to talk to her. "Did I do something?"
"No. Please … stop." Anna wondered what would happen if Elsa found out the reason for her terror.
"Did Kristoff do something?" Elsa started getting concerned. Her sister had never locked a door against her. "If he upset you—"
Anna screamed again, in anger this time. "Leave me alone! Just go away and leave me alone!" Leave me alone … I love you …
"Not until you tell me—"
"No!" Anna banged hard against the door. "Go away, Elsa! Just get away from me!"
Elsa's breath caught. I did do something. Did she realize something from my reaction last night? She can't know … please, Freyja, she can't know. "Anna…" her voice was so quiet she wasn't certain her sister would hear it. "Please…."
Anna heard the pain in Elsa's words and knew she likely thought she'd done something wrong. "It's me," she replied, chest heaving as she fought the tears. "It's all me. Please, Elsa … please leave me alone."
"O-ok." Elsa didn't know what else to say. Anna was obviously hurting, but equally clear she wasn't going to share the reason. She also needed to go back downstairs; there was still a lot of work left for the day and she couldn't ignore it even if she wanted to. "If you … I'll be … do you want Astrid?"
"No." Anna sniffled a few times. There were plenty more tears to be shed, but for the moment she was able to be calm, knowing she had to convince her sister she wasn't responsible for Anna's behavior. Even if she is, indirectly. "I … thank you."
Elsa swallowed. "I love you, Anna." There was no answer, and then the sobs resumed. Unwillingly, she turned and walked away.
It was long minutes later that Anna regained control again. She knew Elsa was gone, and hated herself for being relieved. Confusion continued swirling through her, however. How could she be in love with her own sister? Every attempt to deny it was met with another pulse of warmth from the crystal. Finally, she pulled it off and hurled it across the room.
True Love … is this what it feels like? This pain—I can't ever let her find out. I can't lose her again, even if it will be agony. Anna pulled herself up and made her way to her bedroom, collapsing across the mattress in exhaustion. "I'm so sorry, Elsa," she whispered, staring at the canopy. "This is one secret you can never learn." Closing her eyes, she started praying again.
Author's Notes: Life is still complicated, but with any luck I will have another chapter finished soon.