Jane had been working hard to distract herself since Maura had told her. However beyond the dam she had put in place to avoid dealing with her emotions, the reservoir was filling and she knew it would only be a matter of time before the enormity of building pressure would cause a breach. Avoidance of personal issues was ingrained and she fell back on old patterns now, relying on conversation and acerbic wit to divert attention - both her own and that of others - away from all the things she had yet to figure out how to confront, she welcomed them.
Earlier her mother had shocked Jane in the revelation of her own miscarriage, it was something she just had never considered before. She supposes that instinct could drive you one of two ways; to seek out people to talk with, or attempt to shut it all in - be that out of personal choice or necessity in a less understanding environment such as her mother had been in. Jane felt truly fortunate that she could count on support being there for her, quietly and not so, whenever and even whether or not she felt she needed it. Perhaps this was something that once you've experienced it, you had no desire to talk about or dwell upon, though she knew that in her case both were inevitable.
Talking with her mom had also brought to the fore the realization that she was uncomfortably close to forty. Jane wondered if that had been her one and only chance to have a child of her own, even though all along she had felt completely out of her depth and totally unprepared. She was also ashamed even to think it, but she had felt conflicted and had yet to discover a state of equilibrium between the demands of work and preparing for a child. But it was all so new and alien to her. She reassures her self she would have got there, found the elusive balance and been at peace with the choices she had made, if only she had been granted time. Should there ever be a 'next time' things would be different, it would not be a situation she got herself into accidentally and certainly not one she would enter into lightly.
She shook those thoughts out of her head, several more for the list of things to deal with at a later date, like she had told her mom, she didn't feel she was ready to talk about it all yet. She had a lot of soul searching to do.
Jane half expected Maura to press her to discuss her feelings, but for now she let her off the hook. She knew that eventually Maura would corner her and insist on a heart to heart discussion and in truth there was no one else she would want, or feel sufficiently comfortable to fall back on at such a time. Yes, her family and colleagues would be there too, but with Maura, somehow there existed a different level of trust which aided healing. Perhaps it was that she knew Maura wouldn't put up with any bullshit or shrink from the truth, she would be there with support and acceptance, but also would be sure to give a push and a measure of tough love if, rather when, it were required.
Until the time came to open up, Jane was happy to take whatever distractions she could get and the best one as far as she were concerned was work, though it was not only a mechanism for avoiding matters concerning her personal life. Jane's job was an integral part of who she was and she prided herself at doing it to the best of her ability, always striving to perform her duty with honour and distinction and she drew great satisfaction from both doing it and knowing she was damn good at it. Her status as a cop was her armour and stripped of it she felt vulnerable. She was fortunate that her family understood her so well, anticipating and indulging her with even minor details of the case they were working, giving her something to think about even while she began the process of… what? She didn't feel she were grieving, not yet, she figured it would take time for everything to begin to register, never mind for her to make sense of.
Tasha had been playing most heavily on her mind. She was such an incredible kid, struggling against monumental hardship, yet she was winning, thriving even before all this had happened and it was just dumb luck - or rather lack thereof – which had embroiled her in this whole botched episode. And now even though the immediate threat to her life was over, it was still creating chaos as she were fixed firmly in the sights of the system, which was intent on 'helping' even though in blindly doing what it was designed to, it would certainly create a devastating setback to Tasha's wellbeing. Jane desperately wanted to help her avoid that, she just had to figure out how to make it happen.
In between checks by medical personnel and other visits; most frequently from Maura and bordering on obsessively from her mother, Jane took to walking the halls. Partly out of boredom and frustration also during that first visit to see Tasha, she'd found that being mobile helped provide relief from not only stiffness, but the occasional cramping she was still experiencing, a bitter reminder, as were her still tender boobs.
Other than these factors, Jane had always preferred to be active. She felt that inactivity stunted her thinking, made her feel bogged down mentally as well as physically. For once she had actually approached her doctor about this, gaining his approval – he advised short walks and to be mindful that she was getting over major trauma and that would tire very quickly - before she set off on her rambling trips around the maze of wards.
Often she would use the opportunity to look in on Tasha, other times her journey would be only about the act of walking, it gave her both time to think and a sense of freedom which better allowed her to process her thoughts and feelings, which so far had remained in disarray within her own head. This was one of those walks.
She found herself in the bright space of a presently deserted corridor, before a large paned window that had a rail below set into the wall just above waist height and a stepped ledge about a foot off the floor, providing a viewing area to the room beyond the glass. Jane could imagine joyful people standing here peering inside; doting adults and children with their noses pressed up against the glass, she looked more closely at the surface of the pane and indeed there was a small smeared handprint, fingers splayed wide at just the level she had anticipated.
Inside were several people dressed in colorful scrubs, all busy at work, though none were currently situated at the central workstation, set out with three chairs one at each desk nook built into a countertop. The workstation had all the accoutrements associated with the necessities for detailed record keeping, the evidence of which was everywhere as stacks of paperwork were neatly gathered in binders, laid in trays and tacked to the notice board on the back wall.
That space was only a tiny area within the room however, the rest was given over entirely to medical equipment and most prominently a dozen small Perspex basinets furnished with soft white mattresses, each housing a miniature guest most of whom were sleeping. Their tiny bodies swaddled in soft white blankets, though some had a more personal blanket, a little piece of home. The nearest was turned towards the window - probably in anticipation of an imminent visitor - naked save for a diaper, displaying a gloriously round belly still with their umbilical clamp in place, chunky folded limbs with a tiny hospital ID tag on one wrist, delicate hands scrunched closed and tucked under their chin. A brand new person, only a few hours old.
Jane, pulled her soft grey robe more tightly around her body, hands coming to rest at her middle and remained rooted to the spot observing numbly as the baby wriggled and squirmed, stretched and yawned. Small fingers flexed then curled in slow motion and finally eyes opened sleepily revealing startling clear blue eyes.
Jane was moving before she knew it. She hurried through the corridors, with no conscious thought of where she was going, her body was in control now - while her mind was a hardly functioning passenger in the early stages of being flooded with crippling emotion - it seemed to know where she should be though and Jane found herself back in her room without any recollection of getting there. She entered her personal bathroom and slammed the door behind her, she leant heavily against it. Soon however her knees buckled and she slid down the varnished wood and sunk into a boneless, helpless heap on the floor.
Grief broke over her like a wave, black and massive. She was held down by the volume of her pain as it consumed her. There was no sense within it, only anger directed solely at herself and desolation of loss. She was tumbling with no perspective and no way to surface, struggling against it would only serve to further sap both strength and spirit. She just had to ride it out and take the pummeling of everything it had to give. For a while she couldn't even breathe, then with tremendous effort she gave a great shuddering gasp and when it exploded from her it carried with it a sound unlike any she had ever made before; it was a wail of mourning, and guilt and absolute heartache.
Time had ceased to be of any relevance. When at last the wave receded, Jane hauled herself up off the floor totally unaware of how long the episode had lasted. She knew only that she was completely exhausted. She trudged back to her bed and allowed her body once again to collapse onto it. She hauled the blanket over herself, instinctively seeking comfort even if it was only provided by the oddly scratchy fabric of the hospital blanket. She was asleep almost instantly.
She didn't tell anyone about her breakdown, not yet. The time would come for her to talk this through with someone else, almost certainly that process would begin with Maura, who would be there whenever she was ready.
Jane knew it would be a long road to getting over this, but she also knew she would never have to walk it alone.
Although I know some of you were looking for the 'touchy feely download' between Jane and Maura, I don't think Jane is there yet. Her way to deal with things first off is to internalize and all else will take time. She'll get there.
However for this, and for me - I think t'is done and it's time I put this to bed.
Thanks once more to all out there reading and giving encouragement, especially you out643, whom I couldn't respond to (as you're a guest), but I'd like to thank you for your reviews now.
This project turned into something I didn't expect, which I am now really rather glad it did.
YNWA
Salute!