A/N: I'm so sorry guys for the long wait. I have so very little time to write these days, but I'm trying to put in as much as I can. I hope you all understand and hope you enjoy this chapter.
...
Nathan's gaze narrowed on the blonde in front of him. She looked good despite the drawn look on her face and the weight she'd lost—weight she could ill-afford to lose. It was clear that these past few months hadn't been good to her. He'd change that if he could.
But he couldn't. They couldn't take back what they'd done. Hell, he didn't even want to. He wanted her still; as badly as he'd wanted her in L.A. How could he have ever thought it would be easier to do without her once back in Tree Hill with his family?
Worse than wanting her still was loving her still. It might have taken him a while to admit that he did, both to himself and to her, but he had admitted it, again to himself and to her.
And then what had she done? Blown him off and worse, turned to Jake Jagielski. Here he'd been missing her every second of every day while she'd moved on to the guy who likely donated his time to feeding and sheltering the homeless, the guy Nathan could well imagine walking old ladies across the street.
The good guy he'd never been, even at his best.
He couldn't compete with that, especially not with a wife in the mix whom he was neither willing nor able to let go of. The only thing he could offer that Jake couldn't was money, but she'd thrown it back at him. He realized vaguely that he shouldn't even be thinking of the guy as a competitor for Peyton's affections. He and Peyton were over. But jealousy didn't support such things as logical thought.
Besides feeling resentful that she'd moved on so quickly, he was also angry. Angry that she wouldn't accept his help, but even angrier at the words she'd thrown at him. 'Well you know what a slut I am. You never know who I'm gonna fall for next.' Staring daggers at her, he said coldly, "I never called you a slut."
Trying hard to hold onto a temper that was flaring in the face of the man she loved—the man who looked as handsome as he always did—she crossed her arms over her chest. The fact he looked so good was actually helping her plight because his finely-chiseled features showed no sign of recent hardship. Except maybe his eyes. Did those blues seem a little dull? Lifeless? Or was she imagining such things in the hopes that the last few months had had some sort of negative impact on him? They'd been hell for her, but another look at him and she decided he was fine.
And that alone was reason enough to hold onto her anger. He shouldn't get to be fine. She wasn't fine. She was so far from fine. "No, you didn't," she admitted crisply. "You just said my love is so shallow, I give it away to everyone."
"I didn't say everyone," he denied. Did every woman have the talent of putting words into one's mouth or twisting what one said? Haley did it all the time when they argued. He hated it. He hated even more that Peyton was doing it. She's the one who understood him the most. "I said your love doesn't ever seem to last long," he corrected. "And from I can tell, I was right. Go ahead and prove me wrong if you can." 'Tell me you can. Please prove me wrong,' he added silently.
"I don't have to prove anything to you," she returned, her voice raised and hostile. "But, for the sake of argument, let's say I did. How exactly would I prove that?"
"Easy," he shrugged. "Tell me you still think about me. That you're not fucking Jake-the-Saint-Jagielski!"
His voice had risen too, and she very nearly shrank away from it. Nearly. But no, just as he shouldn't get to be fine, he didn't get to be angry, and he certainly didn't get to insult—because yes, it was a backwards insult—the one person who hadn't bailed on her for her mistakes.
"Oh, that's real nice coming from a guy who probably made love to his wife before coming over here."
He flinched at her comment. No, he hadn't made love to his wife first, but it wasn't for lack of trying. Haley, in her anger, was the one who'd shot down his advances.
But Peyton was making this about Haley, and it wasn't about Haley. It was about Jake—more precisely, Jake and Peyton—and he hated that Peyton turned it around on him. "Oh, so you immediately fall into Jagielski's arms," he returned irately.
"Why not?" she replied, guiltlessly letting Nathan believe what he believed, and stirring the pot just that much more. "He was here. You weren't."
"So any cock will do, is that it?" he threw out viciously.
As an athlete, Nathan's reflects were quick, but no quick enough to stop the palm that shot out to connect with his cheek.
His own hand lifted to his face, his cheek already stinging. Damn it, first Brooke earlier that evening, and now Peyton. Did women get some kind of twisted pleasure out of slapping him?
Teeth clenched, he couldn't help push her buttons further. "What's the matter? I touch too close to home?"
She was fuming. First he denies calling her a slut, which, admittedly, he hadn't actually said—not in those words anyway—and then he practically accuses her of being just that. Again. "Whatever cock I'm using isn't any of your business, is it?" she snapped.
"In other words, you are sleeping with him," he concluded.
"What if I am? she challenged. "At least I know he actually cares about me."
"I care about you," he seethed. Damn it, she knew him well enough to know he wouldn't be here right now if his feelings weren't genuine. "I said I love you. What more do you want from me?"
"What more?" she gasped. "You said I love you and then ran back to Haley, and you seriously ask what more I want? I want all or nothing, just like I already told you. Nothing's changed. God, Nathan, why is this so hard for you to grasp? You're married to one of my best friends."
"And you were married to my brother and were still with me for months in L.A." Technically they were still married as the divorce had not yet gone through. "You didn't seem to have a problem with it then."
She couldn't argue with that. While she couldn't say she'd felt no guilt whatsoever, it was true that she'd ignored her marital status in L.A. to be with her husband's brother. She couldn't take that back now. "What we did was wrong," she argued. "Yes, we closed our eyes to everything but each other in L.A., but we can't do that here. We can't stay married and be together. It's wrong. It always was wrong. You do know that, don't you?"
He made a face that reflected just how much he resented that question. "Of course I do," he snapped. "I'm not an idiot."
At times, she wondered. "I never said you were," she told him. "So then you see why we can't continue."
"I'm not asking to continue," he shot back irately.
Now she felt like the idiot. "Then why are you here in the middle of the night?"
He held out the cash envelope she'd thrown back at him. "I wanted to help," he said. "You can't fight Lucas with nothing so take it before Brooke takes over your life."
"What does that mean?"
"It means she's staking her claim on your family, and if you don't do something about it soon, Sawyer's gonna have a brand new mom."
She was shaking her head even as he spoke. "Brooke wouldn't do that," she said firmly. Brooke was angry with her, but they were still best friends. She wouldn't do that.
"Brooke is doing that," Nathan countered. "And why wouldn't she with you out of the picture and not bothering to fight for your rights? She's been hung up on Lucas forever, and you know she loves Sawyer too. Sawyer needs a mother, and if you're not gonna step up and be that, then Brooke will. You gotta fight, Peyton, or else she will take your place. She's already started."
"You make her sound like some vindictive bitch just waiting for an opportunity to strike," Peyton remarked, instinctively defending her childhood friend.
"No," he denied. "But the opportunity presented itself and she cares too much not to jump on it. Think about it, Peyton. She's cut you out of her life ever since she found us together. Is that what a best friend does, huh? And why's she spending all this time with Lucas and Sawyer? Bathing her and taking her to work, even mommy-and-me classes..."
"What are you...? How do you know this?"
"Cause I was there," he answered. "Tonight at Luke's having dinner," he clarified. It might be silly, but he couldn't have her thinking he was participating in mommy-and-me classes. "And if I didn't know any better, I would think Brooke was Sawyer's mom. She was definitely more than a casual visitor."
"She's never been a casual visitor," Peyton countered. "Brooke is Brooke. She's always been a huge part of our lives."
"It's different," Nathan insisted. "She acts like a mom. Like Sawyer's mom. A damn good one too."
"You're saying I'm not a good mom?" Peyton jumped on. Funny how that was all her mind could wrap around. "What? Just because I don't take her to mommy-and-me classes, that makes me less of a mother?" God, she certainly felt that way. Why hadn't she ever thought to bring Sawyer to something like that?
"I never said that," he returned stiffly, his scowl matching hers perfectly. "If I thought you were a bad mother, would I tell you to fight for her?"
Finally Peyton softened a bit. True, she may not be the most selfless and nurturing mother, but she wasn't horrible. At least, she'd never thought so, and it did her heart some good to know that Nathan didn't think so either.
And now that she'd calmed just the slightest, she was able to take in what he was saying; Brooke wasn't over Lucas since high school? She would never have guessed that. Brooke had never let on to her. If it was true, Brooke did an amazing job hiding it from her.
Brooke's words in L.A. came to mind. 'You know what real friends do when they have feelings for their friend's husband? They bury them.' Is that what Brooke had been doing all these years? Burying feelings she still harbored for Lucas? If so, it was no wonder she found Peyton's actions incredibly selfish, even after she'd told her she was in love with Nathan.
Her mind reeled as she looked at the situation in varying perspectives. Had Brooke really been so good at hiding her emotions or had she just been blind to it? After all, Nathan knew.
Unless he was wrong, and Brooke was just being a good friend to Lucas. That would be a Brooke thing to do. It didn't mean she had romantic feelings for him.
But if it wasn't true, then why would the brunette have turned her back on her best friend? Brooke should realize that just because she'd been the worst wife imaginable—sleeping with her husband's brother. It didn't get any worse than that—that she was still hurting and needed her best friend to get by.
But Brooke wasn't around to help her. She was helping Lucas instead. Instead, not also. That spoke volumes as far as Peyton was concerned, and when she considered Brooke's refusal to let her see Sawyer that day she'd gone to her store, Peyton knew the truth. She just wondered how she'd missed it for so long. She felt as though she'd just been given a huge wake up call. Brooke was, indeed, still in love with Lucas.
Peyton wasn't sure if she should be upset or glad by that bit of information. And if she went with upset, at who? At Brooke for her dishonesty, or at herself for her own blindness? Or should she be grateful that her best friend had managed to do what she herself found nearly impossible; keep her hands off the man she loved for her friend's sake? That must have been the most difficult thing Brooke had ever had to do, and Peyton found herself wishing she were as strong as that, knowing she wasn't even close. She'd selfishly betrayed her good friend, Haley, as well as her own husband, to be with the man she loved. She was barely able to keep herself from flinging into his arms now. She wasn't at all sure how long she could keep herself from doing so. Certainly not years as Brooke had done, especially if Nathan were to continue coming around as he was doing, despite having flat out told her in L.A. of his intentions to stay with his wife. He claimed he wasn't here to continue their affair—and she silently acknowledged that maybe he wasn't—but she knew he wasn't any better at fighting her off than she was he. If she were to just take a step closer, give any indication that she wanted him, he would be helpless but to go for it. He would not turn her down, of that she was sure. She could just take that step and he could be hers again. But it would be under the same conditions as in L.A., only worse now in Tree Hill. He would take her, yes—he couldn't help himself—but then he would go home to Haley. She couldn't do that to herself, as selfish as that sounded.
And then something else Nathan had said penetrated her mind. "You saw Sawyer?" she asked so softly he barely heard her.
But he had heard her, and he nodded in response.
"How is she?" Peyton wanted to know.
"She's fine as far as I can tell."
The blonde nodded sadly in acknowledgment. It wasn't the fact Sawyer was fine that saddened her. It was the fact she had to ask. She should know firsthand how her own daughter was doing. He should be asking her how she was, not the other way around. "Do you know if she's still having those bad dreams?"
He shrugged uncertainly. "I don't know anything about that," he answered honestly. "She's been having bad dreams?"
She nodded again. "Luke said a few months ago that she'd been having them for a while. Yeah, so while I was in L.A. screwing you, my daughter was having horrifying nightmares that wake her up screaming," she stated grimly. "That ought to win me mother of the year award," she added bitterly.
"You're not the cause of her nightmares, Peyton."
"You don't know that. Maybe her mother suddenly disappearing to L.A. for weeks at a time had some kind of psychological effect on her. You don't know."
"Neither do you," he rebuffed. "Look, kids have bad dreams sometimes. We all do. It doesn't mean it's anybody's fault or we have bad moms. It just happens for whatever reason, and you, you deal with it. What else can you do?"
"But I'm not dealing with it, am I? It's nearly three months since I've even seen her. Still think Luke's gonna come around?"
"Eventually, yeah," he answered. "In the meantime, take the money. It's no different than taking the credit card. I don't know why the fact it's cash should be such an issue for you."
"It's an issue because you're doing it by cash to leave less of a trace, which makes it less likely for Haley to find out that you're still helping me."
He frowned. "You don't think Haley would notice a few thousand dollars going missing from our bank account?"
"Out of the millions you got in there, I doubt it," she grumbled. "And so do you," she added knowingly.
He couldn't deny that so he didn't bother. "Why don't you worry about getting Sawyer back and let me worry about Haley."
"Fine," she conceded, snatching the envelope from his hand. "But you know if she finds out, she's gonna be pissed."
"I know," he replied with a nod. There were a lot of things that if Haley were to find out, she'd be pissed. Hell, she was already pissed.
"So, is that it?" she asked, suddenly angry again. Every step he took, he had Haley in mind, which should be a good thing, yet for her, it wasn't. "Is that your whole reason for coming here in the middle of the night? To give me this?"
He wanted to say yes, but the truth was, he missed her and had needed to see her, even if she was mad at him.
"Okay," she said, reading his expression correctly. He was here for more, but she couldn't have that. "Thanks for dropping by and throwing money at me to help fix the fact you've ruined my life, but you can go now."
"You realize we both screwed up, right?"
"And you realize I'm the only one paying the price, right?" she countered.
"Is that what you think?"
"It's what I know."
"Look, none of this has been easy on me either. I've been..."
"I've lost nearly everyone I care about, including my own daughter, plus a career I took pride in and could have prospered in," she cut him off, fuming. "But by all means, tell me how hard it's been on you, who still has everything; wife, family, career!"
"I don't have you," he countered.
"That was your choice," she stated flatly. "You decided to stay with Haley, and I get it, Nathan. I really do. But you can't have your cake and eat it too."
"What does that even mean?"
She had no idea. "It means, like I said before, you can't have your wife and your mistress. You made a choice, now live with it."
"I asked you for time to think about it, Peyton," he lashed out. "Why is that so much to ask? We're talking ten years of marriage here."
"And I said I get it. But it's too much to ask of me."
"Apparently," he muttered.
"What does that mean?"
"Nothing."
"This is about Jake being here, I assume."
"Why is he here, Peyton?" he asked again. She hadn't yet given him a straight answer, at least not one he wanted to hear.
"I don't owe you an explanation, and you certainly have no right to be upset."
Maybe not, but he was all the same. Didn't she understand? He loved her, but walking away from ten years wasn't a split decision type of decision. He needed more time. He'd asked for time. She wouldn't give it to him.
"Go home, Nathan," she said. "Haley doesn't deserve for you to be here and, you know what, neither do I." He could have no idea how much his presence tore her up, as proven by his next comment.
"I think about you," he said. He didn't know why he said it. He just wanted her to know. He needed her to know. "Even when I'm with Haley, I think about you."
"Don't say that to me," she commanded harshly, her face appalled even as her pulse raced that much more. He seriously had no clue what he was doing to her. He couldn't. "I don't wanna hear that." He couldn't keep pulling her in every direction like he'd been doing. It had to stop. God help her she'd been a willing participant in this affair, and she may still be were he to try anything—luckily he didn't because she did not trust herself to push him away if he did—but it had to stop. As long as he stayed with Haley, she couldn't be with him.
Logically, she knew even if he left Haley, she still shouldn't be with him. But she would. She would. Logic had been thrown out the window the first time they'd come together in L.A.
"It's true," he insisted. He knew how bad it sounded, but she seemed to think that because he didn't suffer the same consequences as she that he was taking this whole thing lightly, and that was such a far cry from the way he was actually feeling. He just didn't quite know how to put the point across to her, other than the way he'd been doing. She had to know she hadn't been some insignificant lover he'd once taken for the hell of it. He'd said he loved her and he meant it. "I know I'm not supposed to, but I can't stop. I think about you..."
"Even when you're with Haley. I heard you the first time."
He was going to say all the time but whatever. He agreed anyway. "Yeah."
"It's funny," she responded with the sole intention of getting him out from right in front of her. She couldn't handle this. "When I'm with Jake, I don't think of you at all."
Okay, so maybe getting him gone wasn't her sole intention. She wanted to hurt him too. She wanted him to hurt as much as she did. It was only fair since he'd had an equal part in the affair. There was no reason to feel guilty over his pained expression.
He, in fact, looked as though she'd just stabbed him straight in the heart. It felt good. But it felt bad too. In her anger, it was mostly good.
He closed his eyes to shut out the agonizing images that her words brought. It didn't work. "It's true then?" he spoke so low it was practically a whisper. "You're really with him now?" He hadn't wanted to believe it, hoped she'd just been lashing out and not telling the truth. People did that; told lies to save face or to spare another's feelings, and even sometimes to hurt. And sometimes people said things in anger that they didn't mean at all. That's what he'd hoped she was doing by suggesting she was with Jake. And he could think of no better way to learn the truth than by asking her point blank as he'd done. She wouldn't be able to look him in the eye and straight out lie to his face. She wouldn't want to keep hurting him as she'd just done.
But she did look him in the eye. And he had no idea how much she did want to hurt him. It was only her own hurt and fury talking when she answered. "Yeah," she said. "And why wouldn't I be? He's ten times the man you are even with the changes you've made." Changes she would have never asked him to make. Didn't he see that she loved him for him, not the man she could wrap around her finger and mould into whatever she wanted him to be?
The words she spat hit him like a ton of bricks. Maybe it was the way she said them—so flat and cold—or maybe it was because he recognized the truth of them. Jake was a good man by nature, he knew. He would never be as good, no matter how hard he tried. Jake didn't have to try to be good. He just was. For Nathan it was a constant struggle. And he resented the man who just was, especially if Peyton was taking a liking to him again as she clearly was.
Anger instantly took over as chief emotion, as it tended to do with Nathan. He had all these feelings for this woman that he couldn't bury despite having a wife whose goodness, at the very least, equalled Jake Jagielski's. Peyton wasn't like them. She was like him; driven, selfish. Flawed. Why should he even want her this much?
Jake was ten times the man he was? Well, Haley was a thousand times the woman she was, and he told her so to her face, satisfied to see that the deliberately cruel comment affected her as much as hers had him. If she wanted to throw insults, then he could throw them back harder and faster.
But she put on a fake smile. "Well, then I guess you made the right decision staying with her."
"Seeing as you're running through your list of old high school boyfriends, yeah, I guess I did," he seethed, which in turn made her seethe that much more, especially with his next parting words. "See, I knew your love wouldn't last long. It never does."
He got in his car and peeled off, tires screeching. He was going home to the woman who loved him, whose love had never wavered in an entire decade. He would go home to her, apologize for being a dick and make love to her all night long. And damn it, he wasn't going to think about Peyton as he did so.
She watched him speed away, wishing she could call him back, but much too angry to do that. Things hadn't changed all that much since high school. He could still make her feel so small.
She didn't know how long she stood there, or even realize that she was crying now until she tasted the spilled tears on her lips. But it was okay to cry now; he was gone. She gave into them, her body racking with the intensity of her volatile emotions.
Soon Jake was there, wrapping an arm around her, urging her inside. She leaned into him, grateful for his strength and support. But it didn't ease her pain. Nothing could ease her pain. She'd lost most everything already, and though she knew it had to be over, she'd just lost Nathan too. Not that he was ever hers to lose, but she couldn't think about that right now. Right now she wanted to dwell in her own self-pity, and Jake was just the right guy to let her do it.
...
He didn't make love to his wife as he'd set out to do. He didn't even try. She was still asleep, or at least that's what she led him to believe. In truth, she lay there pretending sleep and wondering where her husband had taken off to in the middle of the night. Wondering about the apology he softly whispered when he finally slipped back into bed next to her. She wondered a lot of things. But nowhere in her mind did she suspect he'd snuck off to see his old high school girlfriend. She would guess he'd gone to the Rivercourt to blow off some steam, though she couldn't fathom why he should be mad. He was the one to go behind both hers and Luke's back to help Peyton financially against Lucas in court. He was the one to give Brooke a hard time about actually being a decent person by being there for Luke after Peyton's betrayal.
And now he thought he could just come back and apologize and all would be well. All forgotten. Not a chance. He'd lied to her, and that was not an easily forgivable offence.
But she would forgive him. Of course she would. He was her husband and she loved him and would forgive him like she always did, not to mention the fact that she'd missed him like crazy while he was gone.
But it wouldn't be tonight, even though it was his first night back and they would usually spend this night making up for all the lost nights while he was away for basketball. But tonight she was still a little too angry to forgive, more so the fact that he'd lied to her than the fact he'd given Peyton their credit card. Top that off with his refusal to lend Lucas the money for his lawyer when he'd asked and she was pissed. Lucas rarely asked them for money even though he could use some and they were swimming in it. Nathan should have recognized how desperate Lucas was to come to them. Like she'd told Nathan earlier, Peyton may be his friend, but Lucas was his brother. His own flesh and blood. And besides that fact, Lucas was the one wronged. Nathan seemed to forget that part.
Well, she thought, shutting her eyes tightly, willing real sleep to come, at least she should be glad he hadn't refused to watch Sawyer next week when Lucas had asked. That was something, she supposed.
She drifted to sleep expecting Nathan's arm to wrap around her, but it didn't happen. He just lay stock still, his eyes adjusting to the dark, staring up at the ceiling. She wondered what he was thinking. She wouldn't want to know.
He lay there imagining Peyton with Jake, the very thoughts that had chased him from his wife's bed to his mistress'—ex-mistress'—door in the dead of night. He had to stop this. If Peyton could get over him so easily and so quickly, then he could surely forget about her too.
And he would forget her, he assured himself, and told himself further that Peyton was actually doing him a favor. Haley was an angel—his angel—and the best thing to ever happen to him. Peyton's latest rejection served to ensure he didn't screw that up more than he already had.
...
"So, Nathan huh?" Jake questioned once Peyton's sobs had subsided.
Peyton lifted her head from his shoulder to look at him. "You think I'm a horrible person, don't you?" she asked, biting her lower lip.
He was silent a while, unsure how to respond. He certainly didn't approve, but she was already upset and needed a friend, not a critic. "I think people make bad choices every day," he went with.
"That wasn't exactly a 'no'", she pointed out. And it wasn't what she'd hoped to hear, but she understood if he thought less of her now. She thought less of herself so how could she possibly expect anyone else not to? Even Jake.
"I don't think you're a horrible person," he said after several moments. "I think you did a horrible thing," he admitted, "but a horrible person? No. I don't think that. I could never think that."
"Thank you, Jake."
"It's not right though, Peyton," he had to say. "He's Luke's brother. Haley's your friend."
"I know. God, I know," she responded, burying her face in her hands. "We didn't plan it, it just...happened," she said. "And then happened again and again for the next three months," she added, bowing her head in shame. God, she really was a terrible wife and friend. "So yeah, the horrible thing I did, multiply that by 90 or so to get a more accurate figure, and then tell me again that I don't completely suck."
"90?" he gasped in awe. "That would mean..."
"Every day for three months, give or take a few days here and there which account for his away games that I didn't go to, my monthly cycle, and all the visits home. So, it should really be at like 60 or so, but some days we did it multiple times so no, 90 is still more accurate."
"Sounds like you're trying to make me think badly of you."
She shook her head adamantly. "No. No, I'm not. I just don't want to sugar-coat what I did."
"What you both did," he corrected. "Nathan's just as guilty as you are."
"Yeah," she mumbled. "Not that anyone would know that."
"I know it."
"Yep. First Brooke then Clay and now you are all in on this top secret of ours," she muttered sarcastically.
"And Clay is?"
"Nathan's agent, best friend."
"Ahh, makes sense. You tell Brooke, he tells Clay."
"Sure, if it happened that way. Except it didn't. Brooke actually walked in on us in L.A. and she's pissed, and Clay found out the same night and he's pissed. Lucas is pissed and he doesn't even know the half of it, and I don't even know what I'm doing anymore."
"So I presume this all happened in L.A."
"Mostly," she responded with a nod. "It's where it started. We were both there and lonely and before you know it we were tearing each other's clothes off and..."
"And then feelings got involved," he guessed.
"No," she denied. "If there's one thing I realize, it's that the feelings were already there, buried, for both of us."
Jake simply nodded but said nothing.
"We both swore it would never happen here in Tree Hill," she went on. "But there were a few times that we got carried away and it did...happen...here." She paused, knowing how bad it sounded. Even to her own ears, it sounded bad. "I love him, Jake," she admitted. "I love him so much it hurts."
"But the feeling's not mutual?" he asked. Nathan may care, but there was a big difference between caring and loving.
She shrugged uncertainly. "He says it is," she stated. "I'm just not sure I believe that. I mean, I've ended my marriage and I would be with him in a heartbeat if he wanted that too."
"But he won't end his marriage," he guessed again.
"Right," she answered solemnly. "And I get it, you know. It's not so easy to walk away from ten years," she acknowledged to Jake what she refused to acknowledge to Nathan.
"Then sounds to me like you have no choice but to end it," he advised.
"I know. And I have. It's over."
Jake threw her a doubtful look. "Does he know that?" he asked. "Cause something tells me a guy popping in at 3:00 a.m. doesn't know it's over."
"He knows. He just doesn't want to accept it." Or did he accept it already? He said he wasn't here to be with her, just to help her. "Actually, I don't even know what he's thinking anymore. He's kinda pulling a Lucas these days with his indecisiveness. Never thought I'd ever say that, but I guess I get it," she went on more to herself than to Jake. "As for why he was here," she added, "he came to give me this," she said, still holding the envelope. "Money to pay for the lawyer," she explained.
He nodded, no need for further explanation since she'd already told him last night about Luke keeping Sawyer from her. "You really believe that's the only reason he came by?" Jake asked doubtfully. He didn't believe it himself. Not when there were more appropriate daylight hours he could have come.
"Yeah. No. I don't know," she said with frustration. "But it doesn't matter. If things weren't clear to him before, I made it extra clear tonight. He won't be coming back."
Oh God, what had she done? her heart cried out as her own words sank in. He wouldn't be back. What did she do? She'd pushed away the man she loved. She'd just chased him away forever. And why? Because it was the right thing to do? Screw the right thing. She didn't want to be without him. Why should she be? So Haley could have him? The woman who had made him jump through hoops and do a complete 180 before she'd be with him? How fair was that?
She shook her head of its conflicting thoughts, trying to still her shattering heart. She complained of Nathan being indecisive but she was just as bad, questioning the decisions she'd firmly set. That wouldn't help anything. She could tell herself a thousand reasons why they were right for each other, and she'd heard it said that something that feels right can't be wrong. But that wasn't true. In the end, it was still wrong. So very wrong. She had to remember that if she had any chance of convincing Nathan they were truly over. As it stood now, it was no wonder he didn't quite believe her.
"Good for you, Peyton," Jake replied encouragingly, unaware of her inner struggle. Yes, what she had done was wrong, but to him she, unlike Nathan apparently, was trying to correct her mistakes. A little late, true, but she was trying. "I'm glad to hear that. You deserve to be happy." And happiness, he thought but didn't voice, wouldn't come from a married man. These thoughts he kept to himself because he felt she probably already knew, and kicking someone when they were already down had never been his style.
"I may have told him that you and I were together," she admitted sheepishly.
There was no question to what she meant as 'together'. That probably hit Nathan hard. It would if it were him anyway. "May have?" he asked with a chuckle.
"Okay, I did. I'm sorry. It was the only way to knock it into him that we're seriously done." Not that he'd tried to be with her at all tonight. That shouldn't bother her quite so much, yet her heart refused to listen to her head's reasoning.
Jake chuckled lightly and pulled her closer so that her head leaned on his shoulder again. "I'm okay with you telling him that," he said.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Good, cause it's already done."
"As long as it doesn't get back to Crystal," he spoke of his girlfriend in Savannah. It took him a long time to get over this woman beside him. Years. And truthfully he still wasn't quite there. But his growing feelings for Crystal helped, slowly putting his shattered heart back together. "Don't want her thinking I'm cheating on her." That was the last thing he wanted.
"Your secret's safe with me," Peyton muttered in reply.
He laughed again, this time a deep, hearty laugh. "Oh, now it's my secret," he scoffed playfully. "How did that happen?"
Despite all her inner turmoil, a bubble of laughter escaped her lips. "By being friends with such a mess, that's how."
"We're all a mess at one time or another," he answered.
"Yeah? Well, is it someone else's turn soon? When does my turn end?"
"When you stop doing things that you know are stupid," he replied candidly. He may support his friend, but he didn't support her actions and he didn't shy away from the truth. He was honest to a fault, and though it might hurt her to hear that harsh truth, he wouldn't be doing her any favors by pretending what she'd done wasn't wrong on every level. And he couldn't, in good faith, sit there and listen to her talk as though this bad thing had just happened to her. Feelings aside, she'd brought this trouble on herself. She had to realize that.
She didn't get defensive as she was prone to do. She was grateful for Jake's unwavering support, but she didn't expect him to approve of her actions. "That's fair," she said simply before closing her eyes and laying in silence for the next several hours.
...
"Listen, thanks again, little brother. I really appreciate this," Lucas said from the front porch as Nathan hoisted a giggling Sawyer onto his shoulders.
It was nearly 1:00 Monday afternoon and Nathan had shown up bright and early at Luke's house to watch over Sawyer as promised. After lunch he had suggested he take Sawyer out of the house so Lucas could truly concentrate on writing rather than constantly having the two year old run into the den because she knew daddy was in there as she'd done all morning.
"Yeah, of course," Nathan replied. "Any time."
"You sure you don't wanna wait until after her nap?" Lucas asked again, having suggested that already. "She gets pretty cranky without it." She was like her mom that way if she didn't get enough sleep.
"Nah, it'll be fine," Nathan answered his same previous answer. "We'll go run around in the park for a bit and then I'll take her to my place and lay her down. I'll bring her back by dinner."
"Sounds good," Luke said before gently squeezing his daughter's leg. "Be good for Uncle Nate, little one. Daddy loves you."
The little legs were kicking at Nathan's chest, impatient to get going to the mentioned park, and Lucas simply laughed at the gesture. "You'd better go before you're covered in bruises."
Nathan chuckled. "I think I can handle it," he jested. She'd have to kick a hell of a lot harder than what she was to hurt him. Not that she was trying to hurt him. She was just anxious to get going.
And get going they did. Lucas stood on the porch watching his brother jogging off with his daughter, not a worry in the world. When they disappeared around the corner, he went back inside, back to his writing.
...
About an hour later, Nathan was consoling a crying Sawyer because it was time to leave the park and she didn't want to. She was having fun and wanted to stay, especially since Uncle Nathan wasn't one to just sit on the bench and watch her play, but rather, got right in there with her, provided he could fit or wasn't too heavy for the equipment.
He had to admit, he'd had fun too. Again he found himself reminiscing to when Jamie was that small, and couldn't help but think that he would like to have another baby.
In any case, Sawyer was exhausted, which contributed to her upset at this particular moment, though she didn't admit to being tired. And as much as he enjoyed spending this time with this little girl, he couldn't help but think of a certain someone—someone he was still quite pissed at—who would enjoy that time even more.
A brief thought passed him that said it was a bad idea to do what he was thinking of doing. But that brief thought slipped away as quickly as it came and a split second decision was made.
"Ok, little miss," he said, picking up the crying child. "I know you don't wanna go, but I got something even better for you next," he continued, walking as he spoke. "What do you say we go see your mom, huh?" he suggested, and smiled when Sawyer's sobs instantly stopped.