a/n: i know. my delays are insufferable.

i'm writing on a tablet that doesn't have spell check. you have been warned. procede at your own peril.

modern a/u. a little stream of consciousness- but not too bad i hope.

hope you like it:)

The smell of rain.

Golden lights and the chiming of a bell.

He's just like I remember.

And the ache that permiates my chest is unanticipated, but completely expected at the same time.

Hello love- I've missed you all this time.

But I can't say that now.

He looks at me and laughs- and for no reason I'm laughing too. Must be the light getting under my skin.

"How are you?" He uses his whole hand to sweep my hair from my face. I think of catching his hand there, and then I think better of it.

And I wonder if he remembers me the way I remember him.

Kaleidoscope vision and lapses in judgment. Sneaking out at 1:27am and squeezing in the front seat of his Mazda and kissing until the police sirens woke me up. Bright lights and ocean waves- being happy, and refusing to apologize.

Or does he remember fears of falling apart that kept me from ever being his, not really. Me letting him go.

And I hold my breath.

"Your hair is longer." He reaches out and touches it again.

I let it go.

He gestures at the table, already pulling out a chair for me so I can sit.

"Me- I'm good. I'm fine- surviving, I suppose." But my smile won't stop. It can't. I can't. How do you reconcile joy and pain and loss and finding at the same time. "I'm- how are you?"

Well- very well. His new job is everything he hoped for- he loves it. He's successful and his boss loves him and he's got him going to New York next week and everything is falling into place.

I'm not surprised. You always were hard at work.

He frowns a little bit, sets his hands on the table.

I'm just glad you had time to pencil me in now.

The frown spreads a little deeper. He opens his mouth to speak. I turn my head, and he stops. I stare at the floor for a moment. Then at his hands on the table.

I clasp both of mine around his- and I blush, but I don't move them, because I don't want to. It's alright. I was never angry about it.

But I don't know if that's true, only that I want it to be.

I'm glad you're doing well.

I know that part is true- because if it wasn't I'd have no way to console myself.

"Miss seeing you though." He brushes his thumb against my chin.

This is the beat of my heart.

I catch it. Hold it there. He doesn't pull away- a sad smile that curves along the left side of his mouth.

And I need to talk to him. I need to say it- and I don't even know what it is just that it needs said.

"Can we-" I'm embarrassed. Why am I embarrassed? "Do you want to go up to your room? Please."

I'm not sure what I was thinking.

No plan. Everything to say and nothing to say at the same time. He sits at the edge of the hotel bed. I sit next to him- no, I stand up, wring my hands.

Honesty is humbling.

"I-" I swallow. For no reason, I feel like I'm going to cry, so I smile instead. "This is so silly. But I think it keeps me up at night sometimes- I think. I think I was- If I ever made you think you were just another person occupying my time..." I shook my head. "I'm sorry. Because I think I was in love with you. And not that you care or that it matters but I just-"

He stands up. He draws closer to me, and as I'm backing away, he touches my face again. And I'm quiet.

"Do you remember the time I took you dancing? In the square?"

I remember. Iremember the blue and black and white splatter pattern on my dress. I remember his tie. I remember him promising to fight for me. I remember everything in graphic, unrelenting detail.

We collide. It's the same. It's different; it will never be the same. But I'm still coming undone. Kiss me.

"I am."

Then kiss me more.

I wake up. The room is cold. But his heart beats through his chest and his skin is warm. His arm wraps around me and his hand is in my hair. I'm happy, and I don't want to apologize.

This is what it should have been... what we should have had.

But I'm awake, and none of this is real.

This is the beat of my heart.

I catch it. Hold it there. Then I think better of it, and I let it go.

I really shouldn't take any more of your time.

Because it's impossible to say the things I should.

So he walks me to my car. I'll get in and go back- to my sensible job and sensible boyfriend with my same friends and my same life. Because threats of running away together existed in the past tense; because he has accomplishments to make and I have obligations to fulfill...

I won't keep him from everything else.

And he gives me that sad smile- the one that makes me feel like I'm carving my heart out of my chest.

But he let's me go.

a/n: okay. um... I feel awkward disclosing this, but this is based on unresolved personal experience. but if i didn't include that tid bit the ooc-ness of this piece might leave a bad taste in everyone's mouth. i did edit out a lot of the details that i thought would really throw the characters off- but that also means this is a little bit vague and lacks the kind of cutting details that make a story a good freaking read.

in short, not my best, and I know that. i'm commiting the total cliche sin of living through this forum, and I hope y'all can forgive me.

you're entitled to your opinion though. go ahead and leave it in a review:)