Author's note: Hey guys! I'm back to try to wrap this story up with a proper ending. I believe another 4 or 5 chapters should do it.
I'm so sorry it's taken me this long to get back to this. I've been busy co-writing an original with my sister, and nothing beats that. We'll be starting to put it up on fictionpress probably by Friday under my same username (if possible) if anybody's interested in checking it out. I would truly appreciate your guys' input.
As for this one, I've lost interest in writing fanfiction now, but I'm not one to leave something unfinished, and so I'll try my best to finish this one off in a timely fashion and in a reasonable way (as in per my actual plan for the story all along) for myself and for you guys, my devoted readers. I hope you enjoy this next chapter.
...
Peyton swallowed hard. Had she just heard right? Had he said he was going to tell Haley? He'd kind of mumbled it, making it sound muffled to her ears, but yes, she was confident that's what he'd said. She'd waited for those words long enough to know when they came. Or at least she was pretty sure she'd know them when and if she heard them.
If it was what he'd said, was it out of his undeniable love for her, or was it that his guilty conscience had just caught up to hers? Had he just reached the point that she had while still in L.A.? That was probably it. He didn't want to lie to Haley anymore. He wanted her to know the truth.
But what had changed? Why now as opposed to when they'd just returned to Tree Hill?
It had always seemed to Peyton that he wanted both her and Haley, but Haley was the one he loved. She believed that despite him having told her that he loves her too.
Because his actions had proven otherwise. Because he'd let her suffer alone. He'd held his family together while hers fell apart.
"What did you say?" she had to ask.
"You heard me," he replied. He knew she had.
She walked closer to him until she stood right in front of him. "She'll leave you," she warned softly.
She knew he knew that, but she was sure he wasn't thinking straight at the moment. He wanted to release his guilt and so wasn't thinking of the consequences. That had to be it. There would be no working on his marriage if he revealed the truth. He needed to understand that. She needed him to understand that by telling Haley, he was subsequently choosing Peyton. If that were the case, she didn't want him having any regrets.
He looked up at her, blue eyes sad and ashamed. "I know," he spoke as softly as she had.
He knew. He confirmed it. Still, that burning question plagued her. Why? She swallowed again, waiting with bated breath for him to say more.
"But what am I supposed to do?" he asked reflectively, more to himself than to her. But then he looked up and his gaze locked with hers. "How can I stay with her when all I want is you?"
Her breath hitched in her throat. She didn't move. She dared not hope. She'd done that. It had backfired.
He saw the blank stare she fixed him with. The uncertainty in her green gaze. The doubt and suspicion. The fear. He'd let her down, he knew. He'd stood at the crossroads too long. It wasn't like him to be so indecisive.
But he'd been kidding himself thinking he could just come back to Tree Hill and put Peyton behind him while focusing on his marriage. He'd wanted to do the right thing by his family. It was his responsibility to do so. That's what a man did. At least, that's what a man was supposed to do.
But the right thing felt so wrong, while the wrong thing felt just right. It was a lifelong struggle for him to make the right choices. He always seemed to take a wrong turn along the path to being a good man.
He should do what he set out to do and not hurt his family. But he couldn't. Damn it, he couldn't. And what good did it do his family to have him there where he didn't want to be? "I can't stop thinking about you, Peyton," he said earnestly. Even when he and Haley made love, it was Peyton he thought of. Peyton he envisioned. It was time he faced up to that and accepted that he was as flawed a human as he always was.
But so was Peyton.
They were a good match. He would never have to pretend to be better than he was, never have to strive for perfection. Peyton accepted his flaws and had her own demons to contend with, her own dark side. One he too would accept, though it had often clashed with his in the past.
Peyton stared silently, her pulse quickening. She cautioned herself not to read too much into his words. They were unreliable. Poison. She'd fallen for them too many times, even as a teenager. She could kick herself for wanting to believe in them now. She could kick him harder.
Besides, when she read between the lines, she convinced herself that, despite the soulful way he was now saying it, all he was actually stating was that he wanted her. She already knew that. His attraction to her had never been in question.
"What are you saying, Nathan?" she asked crossly, sure she already knew, yet needing to hear it from him.
"I'm saying..." he began. "I'm saying I love you and I need you and I'm gonna tell Haley."
She went instantly on the defensive. "Don't say that to me if you don't mean it."
He stood up in front of her and repeated himself. "I love you and I need you and I'm gonna tell Haley."
"I said don't say that."
"If I don't mean it," he corrected. "I'm gonna tell her, Peyton. I'm gonna tell her tonight."
Still unsure, she stood with arms crossed over her chest as though protecting her heart.
"Come on, Peyton," he urged. "I'm wide open here. Give me something," he said, his voice tortured. Raw.
"What do you want me to say?"
"Say you believe me. Say after I tell Haley, we'll be together no matter what kind of backlash we get for it. Say you forgive me for being such a jackass and putting it off this long. I don't know, Peyton. Say something."
She nodded subtly and whispered. "I believe you," she told him. "I believe that you think you're telling the truth." And she found that she did. Everything in his tone when he spoke those words she'd longed to hear suddenly rang true.
"Damn it, I am telling the truth!" he insisted.
"And of course I forgive you," she went on as though he hadn't spoken. Out of everyone, she was the one who understand his position. How could she hold it against him?
He took that despite it not being everything he wanted to hear. She would see. He would prove it to her. He broke into a smile and reached out for her.
For a moment she allowed herself the luxury of leaning into his strong embrace, but then she pulled away with words he never expected to hear from her. "But you can't tell Haley," she remarked painfully. "At least not yet."
Both his heart and his arms dropped, and he stumbled backward, stumped by her unexpected rejection. "What is this, Peyton? I finally agree to all your terms and now you change your mind?"
Her brows knit in question. It was a simple question, yet the accusatory and condescending tone with which he'd asked it baffled her. "My terms?" she shot out. "You actually have the gall to say that to me. Wow."
"What other explanation is there when you've been pressing me to tell Haley this whole time and just when I say yes, you say no?"
"Oh yes, I've just been messing with your head since back in L.A.," she threw back irately. "God, Nathan, you really are a jackass sometimes. Of all people to accuse me of head games..."
"I'm not accusing," he denied. "I'm asking. And I think I at least deserve an explanation."
"And I deserve to be a part of my daughter's life even though I cheated on her father."
"I know," he agreed, not sure where that comment fit in this particular conversation. "Why do you think I gave you the money for your lawyer's retainer? Why do you think I've been bringing Sawyer by to see you?"
"But these visits with her end tomorrow and that's only if you don't run and tell Haley about us tonight," Peyton reasoned forlornly. "Because you know as well as I do that as soon as you tell her, she'll tell Lucas and then you'll be banned from Sawyer's life too. Maybe even Jamie's. And then what? We live happily ever after? No. It'll be fight after fight, court battle after court battle. You were right to keep quiet, Nathan. The truth will not set you free in this case."
Now he understood what this was about. Or so he thought. "Ok, so I'll tell her tomorrow."
"Didn't you hear me? She could do to you what Lucas is doing to me. Do you want that?"
"You know the answer to that. But Haley's not gonna keep Jamie from me. She wouldn't."
"You don't know that. She clearly supports Lucas. Why wouldn't she do the same when it comes down to her own child?"
"I wouldn't let her."
"You're saying I'm letting Lucas?"
"That's not what I'm saying."
"I have utilized every avenue to see Sawyer. I've begged, I've cried, I went to see Brooke, I hired a top notch lawyer. What do you think you could do any differently?"
"Forget the begging and crying and hire the top notch lawyer right away," he answered blithely.
"Must be nice to have the money to do that."
"If I didn't have it, I would do whatever it takes to get it. And I wouldn't let my pride get in the way if someone offered it to me."
"Pride?"
"Yes, pride. I offered you money to fight a long time ago."
"And I accepted it."
"Yeah, the first time and then when your lawyer needed a top up retainer, I offered again."
"And I accepted again."
"Eventually, you did, but first you refused it because it was coming from me and you were too pissed at me for staying with Haley to take it. What you should have done is taken that money and ran. Topped up your lawyer and maybe then your court date wouldn't still be a month away."
He regretted his harsh words as soon as the first tear spilled from her eyes.
"You're right," she choked in acknowledgment as she sank to the floor. "I'm a horrible mother."
"I didn't say that."
"Well, you should. I'm horrible. I fall in love with my husband's brother, I tear apart our family, and I let my own ego come before my daughter. I'm a horrible mother and a horrible wife, horrible friend. Just horrible."
He sat down next to her. "If you're horrible, then so am I."
"No one's denying that. We're both horrible people who deserve whatever pain and torture we get. Who am I to complain after what I did? What we did."
He sighed deeply and put an arm around her quivering shoulder. He couldn't argue with her logic. They'd done wrong. They both knew it. Even so, he didn't believe they deserved a life of eternal suffering as she seemed to be suggesting. "Maybe so," he admitted, as he pulled her close and kissed the top of her head. "So let's be horrible together. What do you say?"
"I want to."
"Then say yes."
"Yes," she agreed, much to his relief. "But not yet, ok? I still have tomorrow. And Jamie's birthday's just a few weeks away. Right around the corner. You don't want to ruin that for him."
He didn't, but this wasn't the reaction he'd expected, nor wanted, though he understood it. "His birthday will still come whether I'm with Haley or you," he reasoned. "Just like it does every year."
"Yes, but everything will still be fresh in a few weeks. He'll still be upset. Is that what you want?"
"No."
"Well then, what's a few more weeks to make sure your son has a great birthday?"
"And then what?" he wanted to know. "You put it off for some other reason?"
She frowned at him. "You say that as though I've been the one dragging my heels."
"No, I know it's been me," he admitted. "I've waited too long as it is. This isn't fair to Haley, or you, or..."
"You?"
"Anybody."
"No, but ruining Jamie's birthday would be worse. He's just a kid, Nathan. He deserves a happy birthday with Mom and Dad. Together. Besides, it will give you a few more weeks to make sure telling her is really what you want to do."
"A few weeks isn't going to change my mind. I've had months to think about it, and I'm sure."
But she wasn't. "We'll see about that."
"Yeah, you will."
"I hope that's true." But only time would tell.
"Okay, you win, Peyton," he said with a sigh. It's not like he wanted to put a damper on Jamie's birthday either. "The day after his party, I tell her."
She nodded, happy with that even as her doubts flooded her mind. "You know they're gonna say we deserve each other, right? Just like Brooke did."
"Let them," he said as he turned her face to kiss her.
She pulled away. "No," she stopped him. "Let's do this right this time. Or at least, not make it worse. No sex until everything's out in the open."
He smiled at her. "Okay, but I just wanted a kiss."
"It's never just a kiss with us," she argued lightly. "It always leads to more, and I don't want to do that this time. I want us to do it right. Is that okay? Or is it just dumb?"
His first instinct was to say it was just dumb. What did it matter now if they had sex another few times before the truth came out? Of course, the fact he wanted her so bad probably played a good part in his reasoning. Or all of it. But her tone was so soft and sullen and desperate that he didn't have the heart to do anything but agree.
"Thank you."
"Sure. Whatever you want. But for the record, I know it's taking all you got not to jump me right now."
And she laughed at his very Nathan-like comment. "More like slap you for ruining this perfectly good, sentimental moment," she said. "Besides, you're the one wearing the tell-tale sign," she teased, referring to the bulge in his pants.
He smiled, unabashed. "Those little skirts do it to me every time."
Her eyes narrowed. "I'm wearing jeans."
"Not in my mind."
"Sounds like someone needs a cold shower."
They both chuckled and sat together on the floor as they were until Sawyer woke up.
Maybe, just maybe, things were starting to look up.
...
Lucas got a kick out of his daughter's first words when she saw Brooke Friday morning.
"Go shopping?" she asked, already running for her shoes despite still being in her pyjamas.
Brooke laughed and crouched down to the two year old's level. "Not this time," she rasped, sweeping her up in her arms. "I just wanted to see you. Is that ok?" She'd been spending so much time with them lately that she'd missed her in the past week.
Sawyer nodded happily, accepting the hug from her Aunt Brooke. But only briefly. With the attention span of a normal two year old, she was easily distracted and squirmed to get down.
Brooke obliged her and set her down, facing Lucas with a chuckle. "You'd think I'm the only one who takes her shopping," she joked.
"You are," he returned, only half kidding. Sawyer definitely associated Brooke with shopping, much the same as she associated Karen and Andy with the cafe and getting ice cream.
"I hope it's ok that I dropped by," Brooke replied seriously. "I missed Sawyer and..."
"Of course it's ok," Lucas cut off her explanation. None was necessary. "She missed you too. You wanna join us for breakfast? Nate will be here too."
Brooke shook her head. She couldn't be around both Nathan and Lucas again while covering up what she knew and Lucas being oblivious and Nathan acting as though he hadn't betrayed him in the worst way. She couldn't "I can't. I have another meeting this morning and you know how Victoria gets if I'm late. I'd never hear the end of it."
Lucas nodded in acknowledgment. "Coffee then," he offered. "To go," he added when he saw she was about to turn that down too.
"Sounds good."
"And dinner tonight. I'm cooking."
"Well, in that case, I will be here."
"Good," Luke said in satisfaction as he brewed coffee into a travel mug and handed it to her.
She felt her heart flutter at the genuine smile he offered her, and knew she could so easily fall into that same trap again of believing she meant the world to him. She hoped he had meant what he said about how he felt about her, but she had to be cautious. She knew he would never intentionally hurt her, but she knew his heart often led him to believe things that weren't real. He trusted feelings that came and went. She needed to be sure that his feelings for Peyton didn't loom over them, as they had twice before.
And yet, she'd accepted his dinner invitation, unable to protect herself fully from what it had craved since high school. Her heart could definitely be in trouble again. But she couldn't go all the way in while she was still so unsure. She couldn't have Luke's affection come from a sense of gratitude. For that reason, she told him that with the spring line coming up, she would be unable to resume taking Sawyer to the clothing store with her the following week. It was only a half lie, as she would be busy for the next several months.
Lucas nodded agreeably. He understood that her taking Sawyer to work with her for a few weeks had been as a favor to him so he could push past his mental and emotional block and get some writing done without interruption from his much loved but very active daughter. He had never expected for that favor to go on indefinitely, even though he appreciated that time to be productive. He could always ask Nathan to do it longer while he was off season if he didn't mind. As much as Sawyer loved her Aunt Brooke, she loved her Uncle Nathan just as much. Besides, he knew Brooke suspected he was falling for her again out of dependency. He would prove he wasn't. "Of course, yeah, you're busy. I get that," he assured her. "But we're still on for dinner tonight, yes?"
"For sure," she said before leaving with coffee mug in hand and Luke went back to cooking breakfast.
It was only moments later when Nathan came in and commented on how good it smelled.
Just as Luke was about to say he hoped he was hungry, Sawyer ran up to her uncle and grabbed his large hand into her tiny one, trying to lead him to the door. "Go see Mommy?"