And we are back! Posting once a week again, hopefully nothing will change that. Hope you enjoy!
Let me know if there are some spelling or grammar mistakes.
I own nothing but my OC and plot.
XXII
A week came and went and it was all the same. Every morning, Emma got up, had breakfast with her fiancé and sometimes with Milla as well, afterwards she prepared something for Loki and took it to him. He was too weak to eat at first, so she had to feed him. Then she changed his bandages and made sure the injuries are getting better. She made sure he had all he needed, left painkillers on the nightstand and let him rest. Then she came at around lunch with food again. Then again at dinner and for first three days, she changed bandages again. He was still bleeding.
To break the awkward silence, she sometimes talked about the weather, about a book she read, about a party she went to a few days before. Loki never asked anything, he only answered her questions, but she kept talking. Sometimes he smiled, sometimes she had a feeling that he was not listening to her at all. It was not important. Everything was better than minutes without a word. Emma was not stupid and she knew Loki wanted to ask her to talk about something else. About Milla. But he never did and she never started for she didn't want to make him feel any more pain. No matter how much he was pretending like this all was nothing, there were times when he was looking at the door with an empty gaze like he was waiting on someone and Emma understood. It might be a long time since he saw her last, but she was sure his feelings had not changed. And he yearned to see her, not bloody and dead, not pale and angry.
But there was nothing Emma could do about that. It was not like Milla would listen to her. For the last days, she refused to see Loki whenever Emma suggested it and she never looked at her when she was taking food to his room. Milla was in some sort of denial about him being really in the house again. Emma knew it hurt, but it was pain for her as well to see two people deeply hurt but so stubborn that they would not admit they want to at least see each other.
And then there was another thing that was not clear to Emma. Milla spent a lot more time with Leo. At least once a day, he came to see her and had a lunch with them, or they would go for a walk to the city, or have a picnic in the garden, or just talk to each other in the living room. Every time, they greeted with a kiss and said goodbye the same way. While walking in the garden, they held hands. Milla was smiling when she was with him, but the moment he was gone, she stole a look to Loki's door and the same old thoughtful expression was back on her face. It sounded simple, it sounded like they were dating, but Emma could not believe it. Milla would have told her something like that. But when she asked, Milla only frowned and said: "He is a friend. Don't worry about it."
So she didn't ask again and did her job. But as a friend, she was still watching when Leo came. She liked him, really, but there was something suspicious about him. Something that made her not trust him completely. Or maybe she had just took the other side and was seeing what she wanted, even when it was not real.
At the end of the week, Leo came again and they decided to play chess in the living room. Milla hated chess. And Emma was not in a mood to pretend and smile whenever she needed to pass them. With annoyed face expression, she went up the stairs and headed to Loki's door. He was getting better, his strength was getting back, but he was still not able to sit for a long time without leaning against the pillows.
When she entered, he was holding a book she brought with her the first day that Milla let him take care of him. It was a collection of poems by some author she did not know, but he did. When he looked up, he looked surprised.
"Is it dinner already?"
"No," she shook her head and pulled an armchair closer to his bed and sat down. "I just down want to be downstairs for some time."
"Is something wrong?" it was the first time he asked something about the household. But then again, Emma never talked about what was going on behind that door as well. She shook her head again.
"Nothing." She was already suspecting this was a bad idea. But what the hell. He wanted to know and she wanted to tell. The sooner the better. "Milla is there with Leo, playing chess."
Loki raised his eyebrows and put the book down. "She hates chess."
"Exactly." Emma nodded. Milla would probably kill her if she knew what she was saying right now. "And I am not in a mood to watch all that pretending."
She looked outside to leave Loki a minute. He put the book back on the nighstand and pushed himself up. Emma wanted to help but he waved her away. "Who..." he had to catch his breath before continuing. "Who is this Leo?"
"A friend. Close friend, apparently." She shrugged. "Don't get me wrong, he is nice. I just don't think now is the right time for proving that she is moved on."
"Isn't she?" he asked, smiling sadly and closing his eyes. Emma had so many things to say, but did not know where to start.
"No." She finally said. "Sometimes she looks like she is, but she is not. Loki, so many things changed after you last saw us, but the fact that you broke her heart still remains." She said softly. Although the words were harsh, they were true and Loki knew it. He nodded.
"Tell me what I missed," he breathed. Talking with so many broken ribs and cut throat was hard.
"Are you sure?" she handed him a glass of water and he took it. He was sweating, his temperature was raising again.
"Yes. If you don't want to tell me, then don't. But I would like to know what to expect out there." Even his emerald eyes were not shining as much as Emma remembered. He was weak and talking took a lot of his energy. She sighed.
"All right, I will tell you." She sat more comfortably and looked on the bed sheets, not at him. She felt like he would not like anyone to see him while listening to the story. "When you left...that morning I found her crying downstairs." She decided not to tell him this in details. He would not like to know that she had to take pills to calm down and carried to her bed. However he felt about leaving her, that would make him feel even worse and in his condition, that was not a good idea. "After she calmed down, she started working. A lot. I remember her not sleeping for days sometimes, always looking for something, talking to someone, reading, writing, there was always something. I tried to tell her to stop, to take a break, but it was useless. She said..." Emma took a deep breath. "She said she would have plenty time to sleep when she is dead."
To her surprise, Loki laughed. "Almost."
"Yes," Emma nodded. "As you know, Milla found out who wanted her dead and of course, she wanted to stop them. You know what she did and you know how it ended. After she woke up and we came back home, it all changed. I wish I could say to better.
"First, she stopped working so much and I was glad. While she was recovering, I wasn't letting her outside the house, besides, she would have fainted after going down the stairs. After that, when she got better, she used to spend most of her time at home, reading or drawing, playing the piano and taking care of the garden. But at the same time..." Emma took a deep breath and looked even more down. "Milla started drinking more than usual. She though I didn't notice, but I did. Her sleeping schedule got fucked up, she slept little and even then she was waking up screaming because of those horrible nightmares. She never told me what they were about, but she drew a few. She burned them all a week ago though. And then she started looking for any party around, spent as much time away from home as possible. Sometimes I went with her, but that was nothing that would suit me. You know I am not good in society. But she loved it and sooned or later, I always lost her in the crowd and couldn't watch out for her."
Loki was looking at her, not showing any emotions. Or at least, he was trying not to. But in fact, thinking about all that Emma was saying hurt him. He didn't remember he was able to feel so much. All he wanted to do was save her, to make her live a life where she would be happy and for that he needed to leave. He was never good enough for her. And hearing this...Loki was never the one for the healthiest lifestyle, but it hurt him to know that a woman he has been in love with was being so reckless.
"I am sorry, I shouldn't have told you that." Emma looked at him with a sad smile. Why did she do that? Milla would kill her if she knew and Loki should have as much peace now as possible. But at the other hand, he should now. Otherwise, how could he make it all go to normal again? Emma hoped with her whole being, that that will be the case. That Loki will stay this time and will make Milla find her senses again.
"No," he said quietly. "I asked." Loki took a sip of water and a silence fell for a few seconds. Emma waited. "Tell me what you think of this. Of her." Loki never said her name aloud. And avoided saying it in his head. As she once told him, saying it would make it all real.
"Loki, you need rest, I..."
"Tell me." He repeated. Weak as he was, it still sounded demanding.
"Honestly," she frowned and took a deep breath, looking for the right words. "I don't think what she does is healthy. Sometimes I am more worried than when she was always chasing someone or something. But since you...since Milla survived that night, she started pushing every emotion, good or bad, deep inside her. She suffers alone and yes, I believe she is hurting."
Loki nodded. "Go on."
"Well, uhm, it has been better since Leo turned up, she has someone to turn her attention to. But she has never allowed herself to forget you, I am sure of that. You weren't here long, but you left a big imprint on her heart, believe me. And Loki, I don't know what else to do to stop her from torturing herself when she has nothing better to do. I don't want to push you to anything, only ask. I know you still care. Please, stay and fight for her if you still want her. I can't watch like this anymore. I miss my old Milla, always smiling, always happy and calm."
"That is easier said then done." Loki smiled, sadly. "She would have better life if I am not around, maybe with that Leo, whatever else you may think."
"False. She survives without you, but she lived with you. Loki, please, stop thinking about yourself as the worst person in the universe. You deserve so much better.
This time, he started laughing, but it turned into coughing and pain in his chest. "You don't know me. I am mad, remember?"
"Loki I know is not."
"Loki you know was an act. I am a monster. I kill. Everyone wants me dead. Even my own father. What makes you think she will not kick me out the second I am able to stand?" he sounded intimidating even with the silent voice.
"Do you want to know what I think?" she glanced at him and saw an interest in his eyes. "I think you are not a monster. I think you got to be a better person than you thought you could ever be while living here and I think you got scared by that. So you decided to run back to your comfortable zone where you could be whatever other people who did not know you thought you were. I think you made a horrible and stupid decision. I think Milla knows that too. And she is not someone who would let you make stupid and dangerous decisions again."
For a long time, they stared at each other. No one moved, no one said a thing. Until corner of Loki's mouth twisted into smile. "I missed you, Emma."
"Is Leo coming today?" Emma asked while watering plants in the living room. Milla was reading some history book from Midgard and underlining the parts she was interested in.
"Yes, later, he has a thing."
"What thing?"
"I don't know, I wasn't listening."
"That is nice of you," Emma laughed.
Milla looked up from the book and found her friend, still snickering. "Do you think I am a bad girlfriend?"
"Since when are you a girlfriend?" the girl looked at her over her shoulder and raised an eyebrow.
"You are right." Milla lay down again. "That word does not suit me. But I could be. A girlfriend."
"Milla, darling, it is hard to be a good girlfriend if you are not in love with your boyfriend. You're too old to need that to be explained."
"Does it make you happy to make fun of me?" Milla narrowed her eyes.
"Yes." Emma answered and they both smiled.
"But really now," Milla continued. "I am trying to be as normal as any other person. Although it is possible that is not me."
"Of course that is not you," Emma finally turned around and fixed her attention on Milla. She felt like a family therapist sometimes. "You chose to live differently long time ago, you can't just wake up one day and change everything. And besides, you like being your own person. You won't let any man take you away from you."
"Honestly, my head hurts from all trying to do what is right."
"Everything you want to do is right." Emma shrugged. "Just deal with the consequences later.
Milla looked at her while she was walking away, probably to the kitchen. For her, life was a series of very, very bad decisions. She could count all the good ones on the fingers of one hand. For so long, she was torturing herself with the consequences of the wrong things she did, she began to feel empty when there was nothing to regret. And that was unacceptable and certainly not normal. Every time she thought something good was happening, she remembered that she was cursed and that cannot last long. And it never did. So no one could blame her for not showing a surprise when it all went to hell this time, when Loki came back.
And what did she want to do now? The answers that her head was giving her were all saying what she should and could do. To move away and start living a new life. Maybe take Leo. Maybe fall in love with him. Or to travel. Or if not something big, she wanted to see Andrea and have fun like in the old days. To forget what was really happening right now. But what did she want to do? She wanted to see the man that made her knees go weak and voice tremble. Milla never asked, never showed interest. She was forbidding her to do so. But that was what she wanted so much. At all costs.
"Is that for him?" Milla asked as Emma was walking by with food on a tray. The girl stopped and nodded. Milla stood up and took it out of her hands. "I'll take it."
She didn't need to look back to feel Emma's surprised look on her back. Honestly, Milla was struggling with herself while walking slowly up the stairs. She was avoiding that door as much as possible, but that didn't stop her from thinking about him most of the day. She was convincing herself that Emma was doing just as great job as any other time and Loki was in good hands, but it wasn't enough. She wanted to see.
As Milla opened the door, Loki had his eyes closed and his hand rested on his forehead. He opened one eye, looked to the door and tensed as he realised that his nurse was not Emma as usual. He opened both of his eyes and watched her coming closer and puting the food on a nightstand. She was beautiful. Her chocolate hair was tied in a complicated braid, she wore a simple but beautiful light blue dress without sleeves and a beautiful shining silver necklace. There was more colour in her face than the last time he saw her, even though he was only half conscious then. Loki could not take his eyes of her. She did not look at him once.
All this time, he was struggling with the though of seeing her. Part of him wanted to ask for her, to see her, angry or happy, it did not matter. All he wanted was to make sure she was real and this all was not only a bad dream. That all that he had done was worth it, because Milla was safe and happy. But then there was the other part that wanted to leave as soon as possible and never see her face again. Because he had no idea how much that would hurt him, to see her living the life where he had no place in. And he was afraid that if he saw her again, he would not find the strength to leave again. Listening about her from Emma was bad enough.
So many times had he regretted his decision to leave her. Countless times he hated himself for being selfish and fighting for the lost cause. Yes, he admitted his own throne was a lost cause a long time ago. Exactly the moment he agreed to Thanos's deal. But if he stayed, how long it would take before he would destroy her?
When she finally looked at him, there was nothing of the kindness he remembered. It was the same cold look she had while talking to someone she did not trust. Distant. Empty. And the tone of her words was the same. "I need to check your injuries."
Loki looked at her and used all his force to smirk at her. "Go ahead." He must not show anything real.
Milla took a deep breath and then sat at the bed. Very slowly, he pushed himself up. She saw how hard he tried to look like it was nothing, but he couldn't hide the heavy breathing and shaking hands from her. However, she did not help him. Not until he groaned while pulling his shirt over his head. She quickly took the fabric and pulled.
"Eager, aren't we?" he sad in a low voice, smiling, but he was paler than seconds before and dark circles under his eyes were more visible. He looked like a ghost. Loki had to lean against the pillow or he would probably faint.
"I don't want you to lose any more blood because of your stupidity." She replied with a frown. He was mocking her and she would not allow him the satisfaction of winning and hurting her. Not again. "Now shut up and take a deep breath." It hurt her to see him and hearing his voice after so many months was like a dream. She fought not to show how much she hated seeing him still weak and how much she hated him for making her weak.
When he did as she said, she quickly touched every rib she knew was broken and every time, he hissed. She was being gentle though. It just hurt. Then she examined the bones again and then frowned even more. "Ribs are healing badly. For once, healing quickly is not an advantage."
"Would it make you happy to break them again?"
She sensed he was looking at her and she looked to his eyes back. It hurt to do so. She did not answer. Instead she changed the bandage on his neck and tried not to think about him staring at her. She was already sure this was a horrible idea. She wanted to be gone as soon as possible, and she prayed that her hands would not be too clumsy.
When she was almost finished, he lifted his hand and before she could do anything, he gently touched barely visible scars on her collarbones. The touch of his fingertips was so light she was not sure if she wasn't only imagining it. But his eyes assured him he was focusing his attention on her skin. She forgot to breath for a moment. She longed for a touch like this for months, whenever she could not sleep or torturing herself with thinking about him. It felt like it could not be real. The touch burned her flesh. Slowly, she touched his hand and made him stop. His eyes met hers once again and they didn't move for only seconds, but for her it was eternity.
A knock on the door made her almost jump. Immediately, their hands dropped and they both looked to the opening door. To Milla's surprise, Leo was looking inside and looking for her.
"Leo, hi, I didn't expect you this early." Milla said with obvious confusion in her voice. Loki looked first at her and then on him. A feeling close to jealousy hit him and he fought the urge to smirk, to show the stranger that Milla was his. But she wasn't and so he only looked at him and hoped it would make him uncomfortable. He failed at that either. His eyes were focused at Milla only.
"I couldn't wait to see you. Are you ready?" He asked with lifted eyebrow.
"Yes, in a second. Would you wait for me downstairs, love?" he smiled at him, but cursed inside her head. Did he walked in on purpose? But he had no idea it would make her feel awkward. Or did he? Either way, he nodded and went away again. Milla counted to five and then turned her attention to Loki again. She had nothing more to do here, so she stood up and started rolling up the old bandage.
"Love?" She heard Loki ask almost in a whisper.
She turned to him and nodded. And suddenly, she was angry. "Yes. Did you think you are important enough for me to stop living?" her voice had never sounded so cold.
Milla didn't expect him to answer and she was already regretting being so mean, but then he surprised her again. "No." Loki whispered and when she looked at him, he was looking down. She hurt him. Good. Fuck. Before she decided which emotion to feel, he continued. "Then I guess it will make you no problem call Thor to take me to Asgard in chains."
She let the bandages be and out of convenience, she used magic and made them disappear. Her fingers were trembling too much. She wanted nothing more than to leave the room and get some fresh air. She didn't want to spend time with Leo now. She wanted to be alone so much. She though she had her feelings all figured out, she thought the only thing she felt towards the God of Mischief was anger and pity, but now, right now, she was back at the beginning.
She took a step back. "He asked me to help him get to Midgard. I did not promise him to find you." With those words, Milla turned around and walked slowly towards the door wishing it had gone better or that she had not come at all. She did not turn around.
Loki smiled.