A/N: Sorry I took so long to get this chapter out. I was trying to get the characters just right. I hope I succeeded.
Chapter 28
The next time she visited, Haley again sat beside her husband's bed, his hand laying in hers with her fingers wrapped tightly around it. She was almost afraid if she let go he would disappear from the bed. With her free hand, she stroked his dark hair lovingly. Haley loved the softness of Hotch's thick black hair. She loved running her fingers through it. She noticed Aaron's face was being kept clean shaven, especially the areas of the cuts on his face, and she understood it was to help protect against infection. As she bit her lower lip, she studied his face. Aaron didn't resemble himself. His eyes had dark circles under them, and his face was gaunt and thin. And if not for the sound of the machine breathing for him, and the rise and fall of his chest, Haley would have thought him dead. She loved this man and nothing would change that. Even if he never fully recovered, in her heart she would continue to love him.
"I'm here, Aaron," she said tenderly and leaning close, kissed his temple. "I love you so much. I want you to hear me say that. And I'll be here as long as you want. I'm not going anywhere." She looked over at the sound of a door being opened. A smile appeared on her face when she spotted Derek Morgan standing in the doorway. His eyes were focused on the face of the his mentor and friend laying in the bed. As if in a trance, the black agent walked into the room. He sat in the chair JJ had earlier used, and glanced briefly at Haley before looking again at Hotch.
This vibrant man laying so still in a bed was nearly too much for Morgan. This Hotch was the complete opposite of the one he was accustom to and it distressed him.
"Aaron, Agent Morgan is here to visit you," Haley explained to her husband with a tender smile. "Don't give him a hard time." She looked at Morgan and nodded slightly at Hotch.
Morgan swallowed the building lump in his throat, and put a hand on Hotch's shoulder. It pained him seeing this man laying so still and looking so pale. He licked his suddenly dry lips.
"Hey, Hotch, it's me. Morgan. I know what you're gonna say. It's about damn time I got my ass in here for a visit. Well, I woulda been in here sooner, but I had to argue with Penelope and Prentiss. The three of us couldn't decide who was gonna visit next." He chuckled. "I won because I have the prettiest face out of all of us, well, except for your wife, that is. I mean it's hard to admit someone has a prettier face than me." Morgan's smile faded and was replaced by sadness; his lower lip quivered. He heard Haley chuckle at his words. His eyes became moist and tears rolled down his cheeks. He wiped his fingertips over his cheeks. "Oh man, I didn't think this would be so hard. I mean, I call you a drill Sergeant because you're hard on me. But hell, man, you're hard on everybody. But regardless, I need you to come back to us, Hotch. But don't get me wrong. Rossi is a good Unit Chief and a good friend, but he's no Aaron Hotchner. And it's nothing against Rossi, but you're the one we want leading us. Besides, Rossi gives a pretty poor imitation of the Hotchner stare."
Haley listened to Morgan as he poured out his feelings for her husband, and she found herself greatly affected by the depth of the team's feelings for her husband. She had always believed they were only coworkers, nothing more. But she now realized she never took the time to discover that wasn't true. They were Aaron's other family. They helped each other; looked after each other; but mostly, took care of each other. Like a really family should. And the feelings ran both ways. Aaron was as protective and caring of them as they were of him. She wiped the pad of her thumb across her cheeks. She was beginning to understand what these people meant to her husband, and he to them.
Morgan let out a deep breath as he fought to reign in his tumultuous emotions. He squeezed his friend's shoulder. "This is really hard for me, Hotch. I mean, I'd rather kick down a door and tackle an Unsub then sit here with my emotions on display for everybody to witness. But what's even more painful, is seeing you laying here so still and quiet. I expect you at any moment to open your eyes, turn that stare onto me, and tell me to get my ass back to work. Well, I'll make you a deal, Hotch. You open your eyes and look at me, and I'll return to work. Is it a deal?" He stared at Hotch knowing the man would not respond. "I'll take your silence as it's a deal." Morgan looked at his watch, realized his time was nearly up, and somebody else was waiting to come and visit. "I gotta go now, Hotch. There are two beautiful ladies outside clamorin' to get in here. And if I know my baby girl, she won't let anybody stop her from coming in next. Get better, Hotch." Morgan squeezed his boss's shoulder before getting to his feet.
Penelope Garcia slowly walk into the room moments after Morgan left, her eyes focused solely on her boss. She recalled seeing the expression on her stud muffin's face when he left the room. She had never seen Morgan cry before…over anything. And for the agent to be giving into his emotions now, seeing their boss and friend must have really shaken him to the core. And for a few seconds, Garcia started to change her mind about visiting Hotch. If seeing him upset a strong man like Morgan this much, what would it do to her? But she understood Hotch needed her; needed all of them. And how would he react once he realized she didn't visit him because it was too hard? It would hurt him deeply. And that was something the tech analyst would never to do to Hotch. She then she reached a decision.
As she took a deep breath, the tech analyst slowly pushed open the door, and approached the bed on the opposite side. She slowly sat down in the empty chair and wiped her hand over her cheeks before she gripped Hotch's hand in both of hers. She took several minutes to take in his handsome face. The bruises on his face and body stood out in sharp comparison to the paleness of his skin. To Garcia, it appeared as if Hotch were dead. And if it hadn't been for the beeping of the heart machine, or the sound of the breathing machine, Garcia would have feared he was.
She let her eyes travel along Hotch's body above the sheet. They took in the gauze-covered wounds on his chest, chin, and on both cheeks. She let out a deep breath while looking at his face. She secretly prayed the cuts on his face wouldn't interfere with his dimples. Garcia loved Hotch's dimples when he smiled which he seldom did. She tightened her grip on his hand, and wiped her cheeks with the other.
"The doctors told us you can understand what we say, Hotch. I sure hope so," Garcia said as her lower lip quivered. "You need to get better, boss man. Things aren't the same without you. Morgan tries to give everybody the stare, but it's not the same as when you do it. Nobody can give the stare like you. You need to patent that stare, sir, and sell it. You'd make a fortune." She forced a smile to appear. "I can see it now, sir. Everybody walking around with a constant intimidating stare on their face. Then again, everybody walking around with a stare like yours wouldn't be right either. And it wouldn't look right on anybody except you." She chuckled and looked at Haley who returned her smile. "You're gonna come back to us, my liege. I have to believe you will. And once you do, I'm gonna have a GPS device sewn into all your suits so we can find you at all times. I can see you giving me that stare of yours. But I swear, boss man, it's the only way to keep you outta trouble. I mean, you're worse than Reid." Garcia chuckled while at the same time the tears fell. "I mean, you hardly ever smile, and you're always so serious all the time. But despite that, I don't want to work for anybody else."
She wiped her cheeks again. "I'm sorry, mon Capitan, but I can't seem to stop crying. I'm just so…so worried about you. I worry about all my babies when they're out in the field. I mean, I sit back in Quantico in my little bubble safe from the ugliness you guys see, and I pray my babies come back to me safe and sound. And when one of you gets hurt, I hurt along with you." Garcia hung her head and sighed. "I…I can't do this, sir. I can't not fall apart when one of my babies gets hurt. I want to scream and yell and hurt the person who hurt one of you. I want to make them pay for hurting one of my family, but I can't. I'm so sorry, sir. So, so sorry."
"Penelope?" Haley asked quietly causing Garcia to face her with her red, wet eyes.
"It's true," Garcia stammered. "I can't keep myself together when this happens. I can't."
Haley smiled. "It's okay if you lose it when Aaron or one of the others gets hurt. It shows you're human."
"Boss man doesn't lose it when one of us gets hurt. He always has things together."
Haley chuckled. "Trust me when I tell you Aaron loses it more than you or anybody else realizes when someone on the team is injured while on a case. He just doesn't show it. He's developed this…how would you say, tough outer shell to protect himself. But inside, or when he believes he's alone, he does lose it."
"Really? You're not just saying that, sugarplum?"
"Really," Haley replied wiping her fingers over her cheeks.
Two hours later found Haley seated in her familiar chair again holding her husband's hand and stroking his hair. She smiled as she looked across the bed at Emily Prentiss who was focused on Hotch's face while gripping the hand laying on the bed beside him. She had hoped Reid would visit Hotch next, but the young genius was having trouble figuring what to say to their fallen leader. So she went ahead of him. Normally able to compartmentalize, Prentiss found it hard after what had been done to her boss. The cruelty done to Hotch made no sense to her. Hotch was a good man. She could never understand torture done to anybody. And torture for the express pleasure of somebody was, to the brunette, completely unacceptable.
She stared at the machines and wires Hotch was hooked up to, and wanted to cry. The beeping of the heart machine the only indicator he was alive because the rise and fall of his chest wasn't enough. Also, there was the sound of the machine helping him breathe. The gauze covering the wounds on his chest, chin, and face as well as the soft casts on his feet. Her eyes shifted to the bulky splint on his left knee under the sheet. She avoided looking at the groin area not wanting to imagine the damage to that area. In the past, she had seen the damage second degree burns could cause. She could only imagine the pain Hotch would be in from the burns, much less to a delicate area of his body. She recalled Rossi telling her how grossly swollen and discolored his knee had been, and that it was a miracle it was only displaced. And a miracle he suffered no broken bones in his feet despite how bloody they were.
With a shake of her head, the brunette tossed a strand of hair over her shoulder as she focused on Hotch's face. She bit her lower lip. "Hotch, it's Emily," she said with a forced smile. Morgan said to keep things positive, hopeful, light. But did he realize how hard that would be? "I would have been in here sooner. But you know how Garcia is. She wanted you all to herself. But that's Garcia. And I shudder to think what she's got planned for you when you get released from here. To hear her talk, she's going all out on the decorations. JJ and I tried to talk her into toning it down a bit, but have you ever tried to talk down Garcia? It's impossible once she's got her mind set on something." Emily's chuckle suddenly turned into a grimace as her lower lip quivered and tears threatened. "I uh…I can't do this, Hotch. I can't compartmentalize what happened to you. I've tried and tried, but I can't make sense of it."
Haley studied the brunette woman and noticed the same thing in her eyes she had in the eyes of JJ, Morgan and Garcia. She had already seen it in Reid's as well from earlier. Pain. Guilt. Concern. Care. Love. She never completely understood why her husband was so devoted to and loved his job. Not with all the horrors they saw on a regular basis. But she felt she was beginning to understand just how much these people loved her husband, and how devoted they were to him. The family dynamic she had fought for so long to ignore, she now found herself reexamining with fresh eyes. She focused on Emily Prentiss.
Prentiss let out a deep breath. "You need to get better, Hotch. The team needs you. Jack and Haley need you. Morgan's been giving everybody the stare. But between you and I, it doesn't even compete with yours." She chuckled. "But don't tell Morgan I said that. He thinks he's mimicking your stare perfectly. Also, I wouldn't be surprised if he told you Rossi is mimicking your stare. It's just like Derek to pass the buck." She looked at her watch and sighed at the time. Ten minutes certainly went by quickly. "I have to leave now, Hotch. Doctor's orders. But before I forget, Sergio sends his best for a speedy recovery." She gave Hotch's hand a squeeze and got to her feet. As she passed by Haley, the blond looked up at her with puzzled eyes.
"Sergio? Who's Sergio?"
A weak smile appeared on Emily's face. "He's my cat," she added leaving Haley with a small smile on her face watching her receding back.
Spencer Reid timidly stood in the doorway staring at his boss and friend laying in the bed hooked up to various machines with wires running everywhere. He wasn't use to seeing Hotch this way. Hooked up to machines checking his heart rate, breathing for him, feeding him. It was so…unHotchlike. He felt the pangs of guilt working their way through his mind again as he stood in the doorway. Haley looked at him with eyes showing she understood. He swallowed the lump in his throat as his eyes looked into Haley's.
"Aaron…Doctor Reid came to see you," Haley said before she leaned close and kissed her husband's forehead. She looked at Reid. "You can come in now. I promise I won't bite. And neither will Aaron."
Reid slowly made his way into the room, his eyes never leaving Hotch's form. "I can give you facts and statistics on things, but I can't do this," he said standing at the foot of the bed. "I mean, I don't know how to reassure someone."
Haley sighed wearily. "Just speak from your heart. That's all you can do," she advised the ill-at-ease agent. She continued watching as Reid made his way to the empty chair and sat down on it. She sensed the young agent was still feeling guilty despite their earlier talk, and she had hoped she'd been able to comfort him even if only a little. But now she began to wonder if she had been of any help at all.
Reid shifted in his seat and gingerly touched his boss's hand, mindful of the IV. "Speak from the heart," he began. "I'm not sure I understand how to do that, Hotch. I mean, I can give you the percentages of recovery from the knee injury you suffered. And they are very good considering it's displaced and not fractured or broken. And if you give yourself time, you'll be as good as new again. But we all know how stubborn you can be when it comes to being patient and allowing yourself the time necessary for your body to heal. I hope you allow yourself that time now. Morgan and Rossi will hold down the fort until you get back. I trust them as do you. I hope you come back to us, Hotch. We need you." His lower lip quivered and he licked his lips nervously. "I guess what I'm trying to say is I need you, Hotch. I don't want to lose you. You're the closest thing I have to a father figure since Gideon left. I could always come to you with a problem and you listened to me no matter how much I ramble, or how socially inept I am. You understand what I'm saying because statistics prove a person in a coma can comprehend what is being said to them even though they can't respond."
Reid paused as his emotions threatened to overtake him. He also knew if he wasn't careful, he might accidentally let something slip, and the others might never forgive him. He chewed his lower lip and glanced at Haley who watched him while keeping silent. "But if you decide not to return, I'll understand. And should you not return, I hope I won't lose the connection we have. I do have Morgan and Rossi to talk with and that's a good thing, and I'm grateful for that. But there's a bond between you and I, and whatever you decide, I only hope I don't lose it. I apologize if I sound selfish, because I don't mean to, Hotch. I guess it's my abandonment issues surfacing again. I have to leave soon, Hotch. So I guess the last thing I can say to you is please get better." Reid bolted from his chair, embarrassed, and out the door before Haley could stop him.
Five minutes later, Haley left Hotch's room and found Reid leaning against the wall with head bowed, and hands stuffed in his pockets. He looked up when the woman stood in front of him, and let a small smile appear.
"Where's the others?" Haley asked seeing the young genius alone.
"They went to the cafeteria for coffee."
"Are you all right?" she asked, worried.
Reid gave a slight nod. "I'm sorry I left so quickly," he said looking at her. "It was just too hard to sit there seeing Hotch like that." He lowered his head again. "I can't lose him. I can't."
"And you won't," Haley assured him touching his arm. "The doctors said Aaron will recover. Besides, I thought we talked about this."
"We did, but seeing Hotch like that brought it all back," Reid admitted staring at his feet. "You must think I'm being selfish thinking of myself."
Haley sighed. "Not really. Aaron told me a little bit of your abandonment issues since Gideon left. I can't fault you for how and what you feel about Aaron. And no, I don't consider you being selfish at all, Spencer. And no matter what happens, I'm sure Aaron will make himself available to you once he recovers." A small smile appeared. "You just need to have a little faith."
"Do you?" asked Reid, curious. "Have faith, I mean?"
"He's my husband and I love him very much. And nothing will ever change that fact. I have to have faith that he will recover. If I don't, I'll never be able to survive the time it takes for Aaron to get better or to help him."
As Reid mulled over what Haley had said, they noticed the rest of the team approaching. Even from a distance, they could see Rossi and Morgan were carrying Styrofoam cups in both hands.
"Here you go, Pretty Boy," Morgan replied with a megawatt smile, handing one Styrofoam cup to Reid who accepted it gratefully in silence. "I fixed it just the way you like it. A cup of sugar with a little coffee."
Reid removed the lid from the cup, and took a sip. He closed his eyes and sighed contentedly. "Perfect," he murmured. He opened his eyes to find JJ staring at him.
Haley took the coffee Rossi handed her. "I thought you could use this, kiddo," the older man said.
"Thank you, Dave," Haley said with a smile. "I can use it." She took a sip.
"You all right, Spence?" JJ asked, concerned.
"I'll be all right," Reid explained. "I guess I haven't come to terms yet with what happened to Hotch."
"I understand what you mean, kid," Morgan added. "It's tough seeing him like that."
"Hotch is tough," Rossi said. "He's a fighter and will make it. I've known Aaron for a little over twenty years, and I've never known him to quit no matter how bad things become. And he won't quit now."
"But he's never faced an injury like this before, Rossi," Morgan replied looking at the older man.
"Doesn't matter," Rossi told him knowing to what Morgan was referring. "Hotch is not a quitter. This will get him down for awhile, but he'll recover. You'll see. We just have to be there for him no matter how long it takes. He needs to understand we don't think any less of him."
"He already realizes that, Rossi," Prentiss answered.
"Then we make sure he doesn't forget it," Rossi replied. He looked at Haley and smiled faintly. "And that goes for you too, kiddo. Anything you and Jack need, all you need do is ask. We're here for both of you as well as Aaron. Any time of the day or night."