Chapter Five
The next morning it was raining. Ranma watched the rain pour down as he stood in the kitchen, eating a bowl of the ice cream he'd snuck into the cart at the grocery store the other day. Normally he made it a rule of his to never have sweets so early in the morning, no matter how bad his sweet tooth was when he woke up. Today however, he was making an exception. At the sight of the pouring rain, he was put in a bad mood, and desired comfort food. He hated the rain, mostly because it triggered his curse. He used to be able to play and train in the rain when he was a kid, and it never bothered him. Now, he had to worry about perverts ogling at his breasts under a soaked shirt.
So, Ranma watched the rain pour from the kitchen window, shovelling chocolate ice cream into his mouth, a grumpy look on his face. He wondered what he could do on a rainy day. He didn't have any classes today, and it was Akane's day for dishes. Ranma glanced at the sink, which wasn't too full. He and Akane certainly hadn't been on the best of terms lately. Maybe he ought to make it up to her, somehow. Ranma sighed, and started to wash the dishes. In the very least, she'd appreciate it.
When that was done, Ranma was at a loss of what to do next. He certainly wasn't going to do all of the chores when it was his day off from it! Then again, that would be just the thing to make it up to Akane. Though he could just apologize for biting her head off. She sort of started it, though. Besides, she'd probably dropped it already. They got into fights all the time, they just all blended into one another. He wasn't in the wrong anyways. She was just being melodramatic. How could he 'avoid' his own wife, for crying out loud?
Ranma gave up, and walked into the dining room and decided to watch television. Nothing good was on, of course. He aimlessly flicked through the channels, finding nothing of interest whatsoever. Sighing in frustration, he turned off the television and got up. Maybe he should just go for a walk. He walked over to the front entrance and looked around in the closet for an umbrella. Pulling it out he opened it, and frowned when he noticed it opened crooked.
"Stupid old piece of..." he grumbled, shoving it back in the closet. There was Akane's bright yellow umbrella at the back, standing out in the dark closet.
Ranma grimaced. Unlike Akane, he hated yellow. He took it out, and it opened instantly, perfectly intact. Ranma sighed, and went over to put on his shoes and jacket. He stepped outside, scowling at the rain and the fake, obnoxious sunlight the yellow umbrella created above his head, hurting his eyes. He walked out the front gate, where he stopped when something caught his eye. It was a long, thin cardboard box, sitting outside the Tendo gate. Ranma raised an eyebrow, and bent over to see it had his address on it.
"Big package. Wonder what it is?" Ranma muttered, sure he hadn't ordered anything recently, or Akane. She would tell him if she did, and it was clearly made out to his name.
He picked up the box one-handed, then walked back to the house. Looks like his walk would have to wait. Setting Akane's umbrella by the door, he kicked off his shoes and walked into the dining room, setting the damp box on the kotatsu. It was sealed with mimimal tape, so thankfully Ranma didn't need to go hunt down sharp objects in order to open it.
Opening the box, Ranma discovered a heap of old newspaper. Pulling out the newspapers, he revealed a bright red umbrella. A bubble of laughter burst out of his throat suddenly.
"This is certainly more my colour," he said. Then, his face fell as he got a closer look at the umbrella. He pulled it out of the box, and stared. Black wood at the handle, bright red, and slightly heavy. Actually, to a weakling this would weigh a ton, and they wouldn't have been able to carry it one-handed like Ranma was doing. He knew only one other person who could lift this umbrella, and that person was the sender himself.
The question was, why?
Ranma opened the umbrella, and something fluttered out of it. He snatched it out of the air and looked at it closer. It was a peice of paper, and a short note was written on it.
Won't be needing this anymore. I found my way home, by the way. Shirokuro is fine.
Ryoga
Ranma stared at this words for a while, his eyes hard. Then he shoved the paper in his pocket, and headed back to the front door, putting back on his shoes. Looks like he was going for a longer walk than he'd planned. With Ryoga's umbrella protecting him from the rain, he took a very familiar shortcut.
Ryoga sat in his living room, flicking through the television while his other hand scratched Shirokuro's ears. The dog had not left his side since he walked through the door, so happy to see him she hadn't stopped bouncing around his ankles until he'd gone to bed, and even then she'd slept at the foot of the bed protectively, as if scared another storm would take him away from her.
After four years of being away from home, he had a lot of notes and presents and very expired meals from his parents waiting for him in the kitchen. The first thing he did when he got home was spray air freshener in the kitchen, it smelled so terrible. Then he tossed all the food and read through the notes. The most recent ones had been from several months earlier. His father was away again on business, and his mother had gone grocery shopping. Neither would be back any time soon.
Just then, Shirokuro's head shot up from Ryoga's lap, and she barked and scampered off. Ryoga watched her go, confused, then got up and went after her, following her to the front entrance. She bounced around at the door, then suddenly someone on the other side knocked.
Ryoga shooed Shirokuro out of his way, and opened the door. The dog shoved past his legs, nearly knocking him over and darted outside. Ryoga, lost in the confusion heard a yelp of surprise as a black-and-white blur shot through the air.
Ryoga looked down, where Shirokuro had pinned his visiter to the ground and was licking their face. Something the dog was only known to do with him, and one other...
"Ranma?" Ryoga said, trying to look around the mound of dog hair covering up who lay underneath. He heard a shrill shriek of frustration, and Shirokuro was shoved away.
"Shirokuro, get offa me!"
Ryoga stared down at Ranma, who sat panting on the wet pavement, wiping away dog slobber with the sleeve of his raincoat. Well, he was now a she, no thanks to the rain. Ranma shook out her dripping wet, bright red hair, and stood up. She brushed herself off grouchily, ridding her self of water and dog hair. She snatched something off the ground, and pointed it at Shirokuro, who was still wagging her tail at an insane speed.
"What'd I tell ya about jumpin' me everytime I come over, ya damn dog!" Ranma snapped at Shirokuro in her soprano feminine voice.
It was then that Ryoga noticed what Ranma held in her hand was his umbrella, and he looked up at her just as she did, and their eyes met. She seemed to just realize he'd been standing at the door the entire time.
"What brings you by?" Ryoga asked, trying to keep his face nonchalant. It was a daunting task, when Ranma stood there with that cute pout on her lips, her dripping red bangs plastered to her pale skin, framing her cerulean eyes. Her black raincoat was now much too big on her, and even it would have been baggy on his male form. Ranma looked so impossibly adorable Ryoga could barely stand it. He made himself stand by the doorway, arms crossed, a blank look on his face.
"I think you know damn well why I'm here." Ranma said sharply, flicking her bangs out of her eyes. She held out his umbrella to him, her expression firm. "Explain. Why did you send this to me?"
Ryoga leaned against the doorway, and raised his eyebrows.
"Because," he replied. "I don't want it anymore."
Ranma growled audibly, and lurched forward and smacked Ryoga in the arm with the umbrella. "That's not an answer!" she shouted.
Ryoga grabbed her wrist suddenly. Ranma looked from her wrist to Ryoga, looking irritated.
"Look at you, you're soaked." Ryoga sighed. "You'll catch a cold at this rate. Come on, come inside."
Before she could protest, Ryoga dragged Ranma inside. Shirokuro brushed past them, leading Ryoga into the living room. Ryoga lead Ranma over to the couch, taking the wet umbrella and placing it on the coffee table. Then he pulled off the large raincoat Ranma wore, ignoring how she jumped at the close contact.
"I'll run the bath for you." Ryoga said, hanging the coat over a chair.
"It's fine, just boil some water." Ranma argued.
"Pouring some hot water over your head may change you back, but your clothes will just get more soaked. I'll lend you some clothes." Ryoga said. "There's already a kettle on the stove, I had tea earlier so it should still be hot. Just use that and I'll be right back."
Ryoga walked off, Shirokuro following close behind to lead him to his room. Ranma watched him leave, frowning, then scoffed and walked off to the kitchen. She found the kettle on the stove and, feeling the side, discovered it was in fact still hot enough to work. She poured a small amount over head, and quickly felt the change.
His clothes felt more uncomfortable now that he actually fit into them, and the wetness bothered him. He was used to running around in wet Chinese clothes, but not jeans and a button-up shirt. Jeans were not comfy when wet. Ranma walked out of the kitchen and went upstairs to Ryoga's bedroom, where he was pulling out some clothes.
Looks like he left all of his normal clothes here, Ryoga thought to himself. So he must have only taken his old Chinese clothes so he'd fit the part.
Ryoga closed the droor and opened the one that held his own clothes inside. He wasn't about to admit it out loud, since that would certainly drive Ranma away from him now, but he really wanted to see Ranma wearing his clothes. He'd done it several times four years ago, and Ryoga had found it impossibly sexy for reasons he couldn't explain. He pulled out a white T-shirt and sweats, and tossed them to Ranma.
"Uh, thanks." Ranma mumbled.
"No problem."
They stayed still for a while, staring at the other. Then Ranma frowned and looked down at the bundle of clothes in his arms.
"You just gonna stand there or are ya gonna let me change?" he grumbled, his cheeks flushing.
"Oh. Right. Sorry." Ryoga blurted. "I'll just, um...go downstairs. Would you like some tea? I have hot chocolate, too."
Holy crap, he loved hot chocolate. "Hot chocolate would be nice." he said quickly, instantly biting his tongue for sounding too excited.
"Alright. Come down when you're done, I'll be in the living room." Ryoga told him, walking out with Shirokuro at his heels. "Just put your clothes on my bed, I'll deal with them later."
"Sure." Ranma muttered, watching the door close behind him. Then he pulled out of his
wet clothes, his jeans the first to go. He tossed his wet garments on the bed, then pulled on the T-shirt and sweats. As he suspected, it all hung on him. He rolled up the sweats a little, and made his way to the door. He stopped, his hand on the doorknob. He looked over his shoulder at the room, still riddled with souvenirs. The futon still sat at the wall, with his wet clothes draped on the metal bars of the headboard.
He saw flashes as he looked around the room. He and Ryoga curled up in blankets during a snowstorm, watching scary movies on the television, Ranma laughing when Ryoga jumped. Ryoga sitting on the bed, reading a book while Ranma did situps on the floor, chatting to each other. Together on the bed, looking like a human pretzel, wrapped up in each other as clothing articles were cast to the floor.
Ranma blushed bright red, and rushed out of the room and down the stairs. He walked into the living room, shaking out his wet hair with his hand. Ryoga watched him from the couch, a mug of steaming hot chocolate in his hands. He smiled breifly at the sight of Ranma in his clothes, before he hid his smirk behind the rim of his glass when Ranma looked up. Ranma walked over and sat beside him, grabbing his mug of hot chocolate. He took a small sip. His eyes lit up and his still-flushed cheeks went even redder in content at the yummy drink. Ryoga had to hold back a groan.
He better stop being so cute or he'll be sorry.
It certainly wasn't helping that he could still remember his very vivid dreams from last night, and just looking at Ranma or hearing his voice brought the images back. He sipped his hot chocolate, his knee jittering. Suddenly, Ranma sneezed. It was almost like a cat sneeze, and Ryoga almost spurted his cocoa through his nose.
Very, VERY sorry.
"Looks like I was right about that cold." Ryoga commented.
Ranma sniffed. "Just a random sneeze. I never get sick." he mumbled. He set down his mug and turned to face Ryoga.
"Anyways, enough chit-chat. I asked you to tell me why you sent your umbrella to me." Ranma said firmly, pointing at the umbrella, still lying on the coffee table.
Ryoga leaned back on the couch. "I already told you, I don't want it anymore."
Ranma frowned. "And I already told you that's not an answer." he quipped.
"Look, I just don't need it anymore. So I gave it to you. What's the big deal?" Ryoga sighed.
"Just the fact you've had that thing for as long as I can remember. It's your main weapon, isn't it? Plus you use it when you're travelling in the rain, so your curse isn't triggered. You need this thing more than I do." Ranma explained.
Ryoga sat up, placing his cup on the table, then looked up at Ranma. "I don't care about any of that." he said.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means exactly what it's supposed to mean. I don't care." Ryoga replied.
"Yer gonna hafta explain that one." Ranma said with a frown.
"I don't need it's protection; from rain or enemies. Let me get turned into a helpless little piglet, or get attacked by thugs, or animals...I don't want it's protection." Ryoga explained, staring at the umbrella sitting innocently on the table.
"That doesn't make sense." Ranma said.
"It makes perfect sense." Ryoga said, turning to face Ranma again. "I don't want to be protected by anything. Let whatever comes for me, come for me. I don't care. None of that matters to me anymore." He turned his body fully, completely facing him and staring into his eyes. "In fact, nothing in my life has any meaning now."
Ranma narrowed his eyes. "There you go with the whole melodramatic bit again." he grumbled. "Cut it out, man. Why would nothing in your life have meaning to you?"
"Simple," Ryoga said. "because you're not in it."
Ranma's eyes widened, and he couldn't bring himself to look away or yell at Ryoga again for his foolishness. How could he, with Ryoga's eyes so empty and lonely? Ranma's heart suddenly lurched with a painful throb, and he looked down.
I was a weak fool who couldn't deal with the pain of loosing the only person I'd ever loved. So I ran and hid in my past to keep myself from doing something extreme, but then instead I ended up doing something even worse. Instead of taking my life I just went back to my old one like the one I had didn't matter.
But it did matter to me.
It meant the world to me.
He meant the world to me.
He still does.
Ranma looked up and stared into Ryoga's deep, sad hazel eyes that still looked at him like he were made of glass.
I love him.
Ranma stood up. Ryoga blinked, the spell he'd felt staring into Ranma's eyes suddenly broken. He looked up at Ranma, confused. He shook, and Ryoga wondered idly if he was still cold, or it was something else entirely. He watched as Ranma picked up the umbrella, then walked over and grabbed his raincoat off the chair. He never met his eyes as he pulled on his coat.
"If you really feel that way then...I guess I'll take it." Ranma muttered. "Thanks for the hot chocolate."
Ryoga stood up, his face confused.
"You're leaving?" he asked.
"Akane will wonder where I've gone."
"It's still raining."
Ranma looked up, a strange grin on his face. "Well, then I'm gonna need this umbrella after all." he said, then he hurried out of the room. Ryoga didn't try and stop him, it wouldn't do any good. Besides, he was rooted in place, his expression one of shock.
He was almost positive he'd seen tears in Ranma's eyes.
Ryoga walked upstairs to his bedroom, and spotted clothes handing on his headboard. He walked over, recognizing them as the clothes Ranma had been wearing. He picked up the shirt, which was still slightly damp. It was a plain white button-up shirt, the sleeves rolled up to the elbow. Just how he'd wear a long-sleeved Chinese shirt, only this was just a regular collared dress shirt.
"He's not wearing Chinese clothes anymore." Ryoga said out loud. Suddenly he smiled. Perfect. That was a good sign.
He picked up the jeans and walked out into the hall, where Shirokuro was waiting for him.
"Where's the laundry room, girl?" he asked. Shirokuro wagged her tail, and walked down the hall, Ryoga following. They reached the laundry room. Ryoga put some clothes into the dryer, then tossed the jeans in. He paused, still holding the shirt. He brought it to his nose. Yep, just as he thought. Though the smell of rain water also lingered on the material, he could also smell Ranma's undeniable scent. He smiled. He put it in the washing machine and started it, then walked out into the hall. He'd have to return them later, when they were done washing.
Ranma went straight to his room when he got home. It wasn't until he was lying down on his futon that he realized he was still holding Ryoga's umbrella, and wearing the sweats and T-shirt he'd given him. He sat up, placing the umbrella beside him. He simply sat staring off into space for a long time, his thoughts scattered, forming words breifly until they seperated in their confusion again. He drew up his legs to his chest, and wrapped his arms around them. His fingers ran along his knees, feeling the softness of the sweat pants. They were extremely comfortable, and soft; baby puppy soft. Ranma rested his forehead on his knees, sighing, Ryoga's smell filling his nose everytime he moved the slightest inch.
Not that he cared, and yet it bothered him that he didn't care. Ranma grimaced, hating this never ending confusion. He loved Akane, didn't he? He did, of course he did. You're supposed to love your wife. No, he'd loved Akane before she was his wife.
I love her, but not in the way I thought I loved her when I was a kid.
Ranma opened his eyes at this admission. Yes, that was right. He wasn't a kid anymore. He wasn't sixteen. He'd been lying to himself. Ranma laughed to himself with no humor.
"What an idiot I've been." he whispered.
He was twenty-four years old, and four years ago he'd started to lie to himself and everyone in his life. Pretended he was still a sixteen-year-old boy with a puppy-love crush on Akane, before he realized the love he thought he had for Akane wasn't a romantic love, but a brotherly, protective kind. The same kind Ryoga had for Akane then, too. Then they both realized they had liked each other since junior high. He'd never felt anything romantic for any woman or man, except for Ryoga. The only other person who could lift the umbrella, the only person he was evenly matched in martial arts skill with, his only rival. The only person who ever understood him, shared his burden of a Jusenkyo curse, shared his passion with the Art.
They were perfect together.
And I was too much of a weak-minded fool when I thought I'd lost all of that. I couldn't deal with the pain, I couldn't just have faith in him like I always did. I couldn't just wait for him! No matter how long it took! Even if it would take four years...I should have waited for him! Didn't I love him that much?
Now I really have lost him.
Ranma looked over at the umbrella, his expression one of deep saddness. He picked it up delicately, remembering the first time he'd seen the umbrella. When Ryoga had tried to cave in his skull with it, seeking his revenge. Ranma smiled, and touched his right cheek, just under his eye, right on the cheek bone. It was hard to see, but there was a very thin, very tiny white scar on his pale skin. It was the cut he'd got from Ryoga the day of their big match at Furinkan, when he'd first come back into his life.
Ranma lightly brushed his fingertips along the scar. He remembered Ryoga always doing the same thing often, an apologetic look in his eyes, the corner of his lip quirked up. He stroked the white line with his thumb, never saying anything, but always with the same expression on his face. Ranma suddenly laughed lightly. Sure, he was sorry for that little scratch, but then proceeded to give him plenty of scars after that. Ranma brought his hand up to his neck, right where it curved into his shoulder, feeling two little bumps there that he knew was always a hue darker than the rest of his skin.
The others like it had always healed, but this one had never gone away, a constant reminder of Ryoga's fetish. Ryoga had always had a liking for Ranma's skin, leaving impressions of his teeth (which he'd called 'love bites' but Ranma called 'battle wounds') all over his skin. They faded after a while, but Ranma had always stressed himself silly at the beginning of their relationship about his father finding the hickeys. The only one that had remained after four years was this vampire-like bite on his base of his neck, and Ranma knew it was a lifer. It happened when Ryoga had been a little too 'into it' and bit down too hard.
He'd apologized profusedly for about a week after that, constantly being too cute for Ranma to handle, constantly kissing the grotesquely purple mark on Ranma's neck, and doting to him hand and foot for almost a month. He even went as far as refraining from his biting fetish, until he looked so pent up he was sweating bullets just at the sight of Ranma's exposed neck. Ranma felt so sorry for the poor sap, he admitted to him it was a bit of a guilty turn on.
Ranma shook his head, laughing at himself.
How could I have shut out these memories as easily as I did? Am I really that selfish?
Ryoga's voice echoed through his mind, and Ranma could clearly see his tortured face from behind his eyelids.
I refuse to believe you have completely wiped away the memories of those years we spent together. Somewhere, deep inside of you, I know they're all there.
Ranma opened his eyes, stroking the two indents of Ryoga's fangs, forever carved into his skin.
Of course I couldn't have. With scars like these constantly reminding me, how could I?
"Ranma? You in here?"
The bedroom door opened and Ranma looked up as light flooded into the dark room. He suddenly realized how late it was; he'd left Ryoga's in the late morning, and now it was almost evening. He'd been sitting here for hours. Akane stood by the door, her body cast in shadow from the light in the hallway. She wore a pale pink collared shirt with a grey blazer, and a black flowy skirt that stopped at her knee, looking like she was about to go out somewhere.
"There you are. I haven't seen you all day." Akane said. "I just wanted to let you know I made plans with Nabiki and Kasumi tonight. I'll probably be back later on tomorrow. You'll be all right by yourself?"
"Yeah, of course." Ranma replied, standing up. "See you tomorrow, then."
Akane nodded, giving him a small smile. She walked up to him and pecked him on the cheek. "See you tomorrow."
She walked out of the room and soon Ranma heard the distance sound of the front door closing shut. He walked out of the room, realizing just how hungry he was. He hadn't had anything to eat all day besides that ice cream and that hot chocolate at Ryoga's house. Ranma scoffed, and went into the kitchen to raid the fridge. To his great luck, he found cutlet sandwiches, some melon bread, and barbeque eel. He pulled them all out and ate it all in under ten minutes in his starvation. He washed it all down with a can of pineapple juice, then grabbed a bag of crackers, pouring them into a bowl and going over to the dining room, turning on the television. He found an anime about some guy who worked at a manga publishing company, and he quickly zoned out while munching on his crackers.
Just then he heard the doorbell go off, and he got up and headed for the door, wondering who would come at this time of night. He opened the door, and was surprised to find Ryoga standing there, dressed in his old yellow shirt and dark green pants, his backpack on his shoulders, looking weird without the red umbrella strapped on top. He held a small blue burlap bag, and gave Ranma a crooked smile.
"Evening," he greeted lightly. He held up the bag. "Thought I ought to return these."
He handed the bag to Ranma, who took it and looked inside at the contents. He recognized his jeans and shirt, and realized he'd left them at Ryoga's when he'd run out all of a sudden. He hadn't meant to leave so abruptly, it was just that his sudden mental confession had freaked him out, and he just couldn't look Ryoga in the eye.
The feeling hadn't gone away even after all his hours of soul-searching. In fact, it only intensified the feeling. He thanked Ryoga under his breath, then looked up and their eyes met. He quickly tore his gaze away, feeling his ears burn.
"Sorry I dropped in so late, but well...I left my house around noon and, uh...just found my way here now." Ryoga said, chuckling nervously.
"It's fine." Ranma replied, distracted. He pressed his lips together, and his brow furrowed. Ryoga watched him, blinking curiously, then Ranma suddenly looked up.
"Want to come inside? Akane went out with her sisters so...I'm alone. I'll put the kettle on. You're probably thirsty after walking all day." Ranma said it like a question, but was already turning around and walking off towards the kitchen.
"Sure, thank you." Ryoga said. He'd noticed the change in Ranma's voice, and the way he held himself. He seemed a little out of it, but other than that, he was acting like the old Ranma again. No more slangy, crude language; no name calling. He didn't look angry when he'd seen it was Ryoga at the door, which he would have barely two days ago. Instead, he just looked vaguely surprised. Now he was even inviting him inside. Ryoga couldn't believe his luck.
He followed Ranma into the kitchen, where he was getting out cups as the water heated up. They stood mostly in silence, Ranma only speaking up to tell Ryoga he could put his backpack on the island for now. Then the hot water was ready, and Ranma made them their tea and then lead Ryoga to the dining room, where they sat down. Ryoga looked over at the television, which Ranma had left on, and stared at the screen.
"What the heck were you watching?" he asked incredulously, pointing to the television.
Ranma quickly looked at the screen, where the main character he'd seen before, a man with light brown hair and green eyes, was being practically molested by a taller man with black hair and brown eyes. Ranma gaped at the screen, then went ten shades of red.
"...You watch this sort of thing?" Ryoga asked him, genuinely surprised.
Ranma shook his head so fast he thought his head would snap off his shoulders, his face going even darker. "I-I thought it was just some normal anime about a dude who works at a publishing company! I didn't know he got sexually harrassed by his boss!" he exclaimed. He quickly snatched the remote, but Ryoga laughed, waving his hand.
"No, no, leave it. This is actually kind of amusing to watch." he laughed, helping himself to a cracker.
Ranma gaped at Ryoga for a moment, but Ryoga ignored his incredulous look as he watched the screen. His shoulders dropped, and he gave up and glanced over at the screen, regretting it as soon as he did. Now the characters were kissing; the smaller one kept pushing away, resisting, but it was pretty obvious he was enjoying it what with that much of a blush the artist had given him. The two watched in silence, until the brown-haired character finally broke away, and the taller one asked him if he loved him. The other profusedly denied that he was and that he would never say he was, then ran out the door.
That looks familiar.
Ranma gulped.
"Heh. M-maybe there's a movie on, or something." Ranma stammered, quickly snatching up the remote and flicking through the channels.
He found nothing of interest, so he settled on the news channel, pretending to be interested in the boring segment they were currently covering.
This is awkward.
"Ranma?"
Ranma's heart jittered, and he didn't meet his gaze. "Mmm?"
"Was something the matter earlier? When you left so suddenly, something seemed...to be troubling you. You looked upset and, well...you were crying."
Ranma jumped. Crying?
"Y-you must've been seeing things. My hair was wet so...I dunno, maybe some water dropped around my eyes." he laughed nervously. "Why the hell would I cry? Anyways, I wasn't upset. Like I said, Akane was probably wonderin' where I went, so I had to leave."
"In such a rush? So quickly you forgot your clothes and went running off wearing mine still?" Ryoga asked, raising his eyebrows. "Surely Akane wouldn't be too concerned about a grown man going off on his own. She's your wife not your mother, you know. So why were you all of a sudden so hellbent on leaving?"
Ranma gulped, looking down at his cup of tea. "...I...um..." Ranma trailed off. His eyes widened as he realized he was just about to lie again.
No. No more lies. Just stop this stupidity right now and tell him.
"Ranma?" Ryoga asked, watching as emotions kept changing on Ranma's face so fast he couldn't keep track.
"I've been an idiot." Ranma blurted.
Ryoga stared at him, unable to bring himself to say anything. Ryoga's heart started to race.
"I'm a weak, stupid kid. Just running away from my problems and pain because I can't take the thought of losing anyone. My whole childhood I was so lonely that it made me desperate for friends when I got older; friends I wouldn't just have for a few days then leave behind and never see again. So once I finally settled down here in Nerima and actually made some actual friends, I did everything to hold onto them. I held on so hard that I realized when they get torn away from me, a part of me goes with them and...I feel hollow. That's what happened with Akane when I thought that she'd..." Ranma's throat closed for a moment and he swallowed. "...when I thought she'd died, at the Jusen Caves. Yet that day pales in comparison...to the day of that earthquake."
Ryoga's eyes widened. He'd admitted there was actually an earthquake, when days ago he would have denied to Ryoga there had ever been one. If Ryoga had had any doubts this was his Ranma, then he didn't now.
"...My whole life just stopped. I had no energy to do anything, all I wanted to do was just lie in bed and sleep. When I slept, I had nightmares, so I didn't even sleep at all. I was like a living corpse, just going through the motions of everyday life to keep everyone around me happy, until I couldn't do it anymore, because the pain was just too much. Each day that went by I just lost more and more hope. That's when I finally just snapped.
She came to check on me one day, and when she left I went upstairs and fell asleep for the first time in weeks. She came back and woke me up, and...I was so out of it. I thought...she was you." Ranma voice got quiter and quiter as he spoke, staring at the tea leaves at the bottom of his cup. "I kissed her, but, then I realized it was her and I freaked out. But then...I don't know. All of sudden I started thinking about when I was younger, and I knew she was thinking the same. After that, things are just a blur. Slowly the pain inside of me started to numb until I couldn't even feel it anymore.
Then we got married, but...I think around that time I got a reality check. I realized what I was doing was crazy, but...I did it anyway. Then the wedding night came and...I think she realized then, too...that what we were doing was wrong. It was nothing but family honor that kept the both of us there, but after that...I never touched her. She's made an effort all this time to make it work but...I keep pushing her away. I know it hurts her, but deep down inside of me I always knew it wasn't right. I loved her, but not in the way she wanted me to, or in the way she thinks she loves me.
I love her. She's my best friend, and I adore her, but...she's like a sister to me. She always has been. I think deep down she knows that, but...she's had to lie to herself to go along with my lie. We were decieving everyone around us that we were a perfectly happy couple, running the dojo and taking on our father's dreams like good children, but...we were miserable. We fought constantly and never made up from any fight, just ignoring it like it hadn't happened. We both hated ourselves for our mistakes and we always took it out on each other.
Then you came back and I started to wake up, like the last four years had just been a horrible dream of lies and regrets. I was constantly at war with myself, trying to deny that I had been a stupid moron all this time, while the other side kept telling me to open my eyes and realize I've been making all the wrong decisions. The more I pushed you away, the more that other side of me kept trying to pull you closer. Then I started remembering everything and the memories just wouldn't go away, and it felt like no matter what I did you were in my mind, and everytime I closed my eyes I'd see your face like it was tattooed onto the backs of my eyelids."
Ranma reached under his shirt and pulled out the gold chain, holding the two golden rings. At the sight of them, Ryoga's eyes widened again, and he opened his mouth to speak but no words came out.
"I've been wearing this for days now. At first I hated myself for it but then I liked the familiar feeling of it there, and then after that, I slowly stopped arguing with myself. The more I thought of you the more I realized I had to stop deluding myself."
Ranma looked up from the rings and met Ryoga's eyes. They stayed that way for a while, as the news chattered on in the background, but neither of them heard it.
"A tie between two people that can never be severed." Ranma said suddenly. "That's what you said these rings represented. Six years ago, I made a vow to you that I would be with you until the day I died. I broke that promise, and I wouldn't be surprised if you never forgave me for that. I'm sorry."
Ryoga shook his head. "I won't say that you weren't wrong, Ranma...but you weren't right, either. I'm in the same position, though. We were both wrong for what we did, and because of that I can't find it in myself to blame you, and I know you feel the same way."
Ranma nodded slowly. They were silent once again, simply staring at each other. Ranma was the first to look away, down into his now-empty tea cup. He played with his pigtail, then flicked it over his shoulder. Then he cleared his throat, and grabbed their cups, getting up and escaping to the kitchen.
He had spoken a long time and admitted a lot, four years worth of confession, in fact. It was a lot to take in all at once, he was sure, and even harder to let it all out. At the same time, it felt good to get it all off of his chest at last, and Ranma felt a huge weight being finally lifted off his shoulders and a strange bubbling feeling in his stomach. He put the cups in the sink, then suddenly had to brace himself against the counter, feeling his legs waver underneath him like jell-o. His whole body shuddered violently, and he shut his eyes, feeling a tightness in his throat and chest. An ever-so-familiar choke escaped his lips, sounding like something between a gasp and a sob, and it made him remember that day as he lay in bed, before he'd changed everything.
"Ranma?"
Ranma jumped, hearing Ryoga's voice from behind him at the entrance to the kitchen. He listened to his footsteps on the tile floor, until he felt his presence directly behind him.
"What's wrong?" he asked in a quiet voice.
Ranma shook his head, pressing his lips shut. His eyes shot open as he felt Ryoga's hand cover his own, clenched in a fist so tightly his knuckles were white. At the soothing feeling of his warm hand on his own, his hand relaxed slowly. His shoulders drooped, and he sighed shakily.
"I can't do this...!" he cried softly. He turned around, and his stomach clenched into a knot at how close Ryoga was to him. He gathered back his resolve with difficulty.
"I can't do this to her." he said in a low voice, looking down at the floor. "She pretty much saved my life, back then. If I hadn't gone to her I would've...I would've done something really selfish."
Ryoga knew what he meant, and his heart ached at the thought of Ranma even considering such a release. What made it even worse was the fact it was his fault those thoughts were put in his head in the first place.
"After all she's done for me...I can't just tell her 'thanks for your help, now beat it'. That isn't fair to her. I built this wall on my own, and now there's nothing I can do to get around it. Besides, I love Akane. I used to love Akane more than just in a brotherly way. I can make myself love her like that again. I can make this marriage work, for both of our sakes. I love her." Ranma repeated the mantra in his head, trying to make himself believe it just might work. His mental chant was cut off as he felt Ryoga lift his chin up. Ranma blinked, staring into Ryoga's pleading eyes.
"But you love me too." he said firmly. "I know you do."
Ranma stared at him, feeling his face burn, travelling through his blood until his whole body felt like it was boiling. He looked away, down at the floor again, his heart racing. He took a deep breath.
"...I do." he whispered.
Ryoga lifted Ranma's chin again, and stared intensely into Ranma's eyes. Ranma's stomach felt weightless, his heart fluttered nervously at the look in Ryoga's eyes. Looking right through him like they always did; like glass, right into his core and reaching his soul. Ranma found it hard to take in a breath, his chest closing up tightly, as if his heart was trying desperately to keep itself locked away and not let itself get pulled away by Ryoga's enticing gaze.
Ryoga came closer, and with each inch Ranma felt his resolve slipping away more and more. He desperately tried to get in a full breath, but it felt like he was breathing through a thin tube. Ryoga was slow, uncertain, gauging Ranma's reactions every second, analyzing every blink of his eyes, every breath. Should he keep going forward, or back off? Ranma was impossible to read; his eyes so wide it was as if a large truck was barrelling towards him and he couldn't move. But Ranma could have easily escaped if he wanted to. He didn't move, however; he just kept staring straight into Ryoga's eyes, looking incredibly torn and nervous.
Ryoga, as usual, was lost. He didn't know what would be the concequences of what his next decision would be. He was so, so close...closer than he'd ever thought he'd ever be again. But he was scared this would bring him right back to square one; he knew this was too good to be true, to be this close to Ranma again without him instantly pushing him away. He didn't know which path to take, and it made his head spin.
Ranma's scent, sweet yet masculine, was wafting into his nose. Each time Ryoga took a breath he could smell it, surrounding him. Ranma swallowed roughly, still not taking his eyes off of Ryoga. Ryoga stared at Ranma's neck, where he knew his scent was always the strongest, and his mouth watered. He could remember his taste on his tongue even now, the feeling of his body pressed against his, fitting perfectly in his arms. His fingers running through his hair, his name being whispered on his lips. Ryoga realized it had been too long since he'd had those things, and he wanted them all back. If only one last time.
Ryoga finally closed the small distance between them, pressing his lips on Ranma's. He heard a low groaning sound in Ranma's throat. Ryoga sighed, bringing both hands up to cup the back of Ranma's neck, pushing him closer and deepening the kiss. Ranma grabbed the front of Ryoga's shirt in his hands, gripping tightly and pulling him closer. Ryoga could feel his hands trembling. Ryoga crushed Ranma to him, knowing he could hold him as tightly as he wanted and it would never hurt him. Ranma threw his arms around Ryoga's neck, dragging his hands along his shoulders, up his neck and into his long hair.
Ryoga pressed Ranma against the counter, running his hands down his neck, along his chest. He felt Ranma shiver, and he broke away, kissing him gently on the neck, working his way down until he reached the spot where Ranma's old scar was visible. He kissed the spot, then worked his way back up his neck, enjoying the sounds of Ranma's soft moans as he moved. He kissed him longingly on the lips again, then pulled away. Ryoga smiled warmly at the sight of Ranma's flushed face, his eyes a dark blue as they stared at Ryoga with want. Ryoga grinned and knelt down slightly, hoisting Ranma up, and Ranma wrapped his legs around Ryoga's torso.
Ryoga captured his mouth with another hungry kiss, then he rushed out of the kitchen and into the hall, in a frantic search for the stairs. He tried to concentrate on where he was going, but Ranma kept placing butterfly kisses along his neck, and it was extremely distracting. He found the stairs and ran up them. Ranma tugged on his shirt.
"First door," he told him quickly.
Ryoga opened the first door in the hall, and sure enough it was the guestroom, Ranma's old bedroom. He stumbled inside, slamming the door shut beside him. Practically tossing Ranma onto the futon, Ryoga quickly joined him on the floor, pinning his body beneath his own and attacking his lips with kisses. Ranma moaned, running his hands up Ryoga's chest, trying to memorize every detail of his body. He let himself be ravished by Ryoga's touch, his lips on his own, his hands exploring his whole body, and for the first time in years he felt no remorse.
He felt entirely whole.
Author's Notes:
At last, Ranma admitted to himself that he loves Ryoga. :D Took him long enough, huh? Only five bloody chapters...
Well, I was going to put all the wonderful lemon in this chapter, but then I decided that would make this chapter way too fucking long...besides, smut deserves a chapter all to itself. This chapter was just to get the last of the "never-ending sexual frustration" out of the way, and have Ranma's big soul-search/confession. And hot chocolate. Yum.
So, like I forewarned you all in the beginning, I rated this story M for a reason. Because this little fic is my excuse to write "smut with a plot". So expect lots of steamy Ranma/Ryoga action in the next little while, dears, because there's gonna be a shit ton. Hey, those guys have to make up for FOUR YEARS of sexual-withdrawal, you can't expect me to cover it all in one little scene can you? No, I shall be sprinkling it around like magical yaoi-dust over the rest of this story, sugar-coating it with delicious yaoi-goodness! I'm excited, are you? :D
Stay tuned for the lemon, AKA Chapter Six!
- Jadells
PS: Can any of you guess what anime Ranma and Ryoga were watching? I'll give a shout-out to the first person who reviews with the correct answer! :D