A/N: The internal conversations in Aaron's mind are of him waging war within himself. He has one voice accepting what Haley is telling him, and his own voice degrading himself, and the two are waging war. I indicate this as Hotch's thoughts may sound confusing to some as they go back-and-forth. I hope this makes things clearer.
Chapter 39
The sound of a door opening caused Hotch to turn his head, hopeful. A small smile appeared as he spotted Haley standing in the doorway looking in at him. She returned his smile with one of her own. But despite her smile, she remained in the doorway, watching her husband warily for any sign he didn't want her there.
"Haley," Aaron said, his smile deepening. He understood why she didn't approach him. He wanted nothing more right now than to touch her soft skin, and inhale the sweet scent of strawberry in her hair. He reached out a hand beckoning her to come closer.
"Aaron." She stepped further into the room, and cautiously approached his bed, her eyes bright with unshed tears. "Aaron, I am so, so sorry."
"Shh. It's okay." His smile broadened. "C'here."
Not needing to be told twice, Haley hurried to her husband's side, clutched his hand in hers, leaned over, and pressed her lips to his. The kiss was long and passionate. When they finally pulled apart to breathe, they gazed into each other's eyes. Hotch used his free hand to move a strand of hair behind her ear. Do her and yourself a favor, Hotchner, and send her packing! Let her find a real man! Stop it! I don't want her to leave! I love her. You are so pathetic, Hotchner. You really are!
"I love you so much," he said, his own eyes moist. "I didn't think you would come back after I ordered you to leave yesterday."
"It wasn't easy staying away," she replied. "But you needed time to process everything. And while it was hard to not be here for you, I stayed away." She kissed him again. "I only hope you can forgive me."
"Forgive you for what?"
"For not telling you the truth earlier."
"Nothing to forgive. I understand why you did it. You were trying to protect me." He let his hand run through her soft hair. His eyes shifted away from her face. "I…I had convinced myself you didn't want or love me anymore because of my…my problem."
"Oh, Aaron." As she stroked his dark hair, Haley kissed him tenderly. "If you're going to have a pity-party I'm leaving." The corners of her mouth curled upward.
Hotch looked at her curiously. "Pity party?"
"Ummm-hmmm. You have never been one to pity yourself for what life throws at you. And I don't expect you to have one now or I'm outta here."
"Not even with the boy parts not working?"
"Man parts, sweetie." She gave his lips another quick peck. "Man parts. My man doesn't have boy parts. He has man parts."
Hotch smiled. He wanted so badly to believe what she was saying. But that nagging little voice in his mind continued filling him with doubts, and he couldn't silence it. You don't have man parts anymore, Hotchner. You have no parts at all. When are you going to accept that?
"But right now I can't love you like you deserve to be loved. I may never again be able to love you like you deserve to be loved."
Haley breathed out through her nose. "Aaron, our life together is based on more than sex. It's built on trust, love, devotion, honesty. I love you with all my heart. You are my other half, my soul-mate. The vows say in sickness and in health. Also, for better or for worse. I'm here for the long haul." That said, she again pressed her lips to his with all the passion she could muster.
She loves me! She truly and honestly loves me! No, she doesn't! She's only saying that to be polite, Hotchner! She doesn't love you! Yes, she does! She says so! Of course she's saying that, Hotchner! She's trying not to hurt your feelings! The voices in his head continued to war with each other. He found himself pulling away from Haley as doubt began to surface. Fortunately, Hotch was a master at hiding his emotions, and Haley didn't suspect anything.
She stared into his dark eyes. "And until they do, we'll find a new way to love, my sweet." It was as she straightened up that for the first time, she noticed the trolls about the room, and Betsy sitting on her husband's stomach. Her eyes widened in amusement. She also noticed the teddy bear sitting on the bed. "I see Penelope's been here," she added with a grin.
Hotch exhaled deeply. "You can tell, huh? Yeah, she was here."
"I love the bear," Haley reached over and stroked the bear's head. "He does resemble you in a way. The suit, the tie, the stoic expression."
Told you, Hotchner. She prefers that stupid bear over you. You're useless. Face it! Get out of her life! Stop it! It's not true! Just face it, you worthless piece if shit! You're not a man anymore! Your sex life is over, pal! And the sooner you accept that the better off you'll be! Hotch swallowed the growing lump in his throat and blinked several times hoping to keep the building tears from falling. Haley turned to him with a smile.
"Don't you think so, honey?" she asked. She chuckled hearing her husband growl his disapproval. Haley picked up the troll standing on her husband's stomach and examined it with a smile. "And who might this be, Aaron?" she asked facing her husband.
"According to Penelope, her name is Betsy. She's supposed to keep me company when I'm alone." Hotch rolled his eyes. Haley placed the troll back on her husband's stomach. "Well, Betsy's adorable, and I promise I won't get jealous."
"Thanks," Hotch growled. See, Hotchner. Even your wife thinks you'd be better suited to be with a troll as opposed to her. It's all you're good for anyway. Hotch sighed. Stop it! Just stop it! You're wrong. Haley loves me! Sure she does, Aaron. Sure she does.
Haley sat down in the uncomfortable chair beside the bed. "Jess sends her love, and says she will be bringing Jack by later today. He's so excited to be able to visit you, Aaron. We had a hard time getting him to go to bed last night, and it's all he talked about at breakfast this morning. Also, he's so proud of the get-well card he's made for you."
"I'm sure I'm going to love it. I miss him so much." Thoughts of Jack began to fill his mind for which he was grateful. Anything to stop the negative voice. "Does he understand about the injuries to my face and body? I don't want to scare him."
"I explained things to him. He understands he can't jump on you, and to be careful of your face. He also knows not to touch your knee. I also told him the machines and tubes hooked up to you are to replenish your superpowers. Try not to worry, honey, you won't frighten him." She ran a hand over his hair. "But you really do need a haircut," she added.
Face it, Hotchner. She's just making polite conversation. She's leading up to getting rid of you. Stop it! Just stop it, please! I don't want to hear anymore! It's not true. And guess what? Your team considers you less of a man, too. How do you like that? That's not true. They weren't even told. Sure they were, Aaron. Why do you suppose Garcia's acted so weird around you earlier? You'll see soon enough. They all were told the truth, and consider you as less of a man as your wife does! Shut-up and leave me alone. Just shut the hell up now!
Haley noticed the subtle change of expression on her husband's face. "Aaron? You okay?"
Hotch sighed wearily. "Haley, can I ask you a question? And please give me an honest answer."
"If I can. What is it?" She stroked the side of his head.
"Is my team aware of the full extent of my injuries?" he looked into her eyes as her hand froze. She hadn't expected this question nor was she prepared for it.
"Why do you ask?" she asked trying to come up with a plausible answer and failing.
Hotch shrugged. "It's just a feeling. And, in case you've forgotten, I am a profiler. When Garcia was here, I sensed she was trying to keep something from me. Something I'm not supposed to find out. I also noticed the same reactions on the faces of Reid, JJ, Garcia, and Emily when they visited me in the hospital in Santa Barbara. I'm aware Morgan and Dave know because they found me. So I will ask you again, do they know the truth? Yes or no?" Haley's silence gave him the answer he had hoped wasn't true. "Oh God," Hotch moaned closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose.
See? Told you, Hotchner. And they consider you less than a man and no longer have any respect for you. How can they? They need a whole man to lead them. That leaves you out. Please stop! It's not true! It isn't! He opened his eyes again to see his wife studying him with moist eyes.
"Aaron, I can tell from your face what you're thinking, and you're wrong. They love and respect you just as much as before you were hurt. As much as I do, honey."
Hotch snorted. "How can they respect somebody who's less of a man? Let's face it, Haley, I'm defective, broken, damaged beyond repair, whatever. You will be better off finding somebody whole, and Rossi or Morgan can take over as Unit Chief."
With tears now streaming down her cheeks, Haley leaned over her husband. "I already have who I want, and he will be whole again! Aaron, right now you are damaged, but it's not beyond repair. You will get better. And I will not sit here and listen to you belittle yourself! If you think so little of me to believe I would walk away from you just because of this, then you don't know me at all. I told you, I'm in this for the long haul." Hotch opened his mouth to respond when Haley stopped him by crushing her lips to his with more passion than she did earlier.
The sound of somebody clearing their throat caused them to quickly pull apart, and for Hotch to catch his breath. He swallowed hard as his eyes shifted to the doorway to see Section Chief Erin Strauss standing just inside the door, an embarrassed look on her face.
"Chief Strauss," Hotch said. "I didn't…that is we didn't…" he began a bit flustered. Haley bowed her head, red coming to her cheeks.
"Obviously," Strauss chuckled as she walked into the room and stood beside her agent's bedside. "I was married once myself. How are you, Aaron?"
"I'm as well as can be expected given the circumstances. I don't know if you've met my wife. Haley, this is my boss, Section Chief Erin Strauss. Ma'am, this is my wife, Haley." The two women smiled at each other courteously. Strauss then turned back to Hotch. "I'm afraid I don't understand the reason for your visit."
"I'm on my way into the office and since I was in the area, I thought I'd stop in and visit my best agent. But you never really answered my question, Aaron. Exactly how you?"
Hogan blew out a deep breath through his mouth. "My knee is improving as are my other injuries. My face needs to heal a bit more before I can have the plastic surgery. That's about it, I suppose. But I have a suspicion that's not the real reason you're here, is it?" He knew Strauss was aware of the injury from the reports and might use it to her advantage to get him removed from the BAU and the Bureau.
Strauss arched an eyebrow. "No it's not."
"Oh…" was all Hotch said looking away. He could feel the shoe about to drop.
Strauss sensed the man's embarrassment. She hoped what she had to say next would ease his distress even if only a little. "Aaron, I want you to know the truth about that injury will go no further than me. I had the doctors submit two different reports, the accurate one, and one stating your serious injury was somewhere else. Then, I adjusted the crime scene reports from Agents Morgan and Rossi. Nobody except you, your wife, myself, and Agents Morgan and Rossi will ever know the truth. I hope that information will ease your mind a bit."
Hotch looked at his superior. "Ma'am, you can get into serious trouble having done that. You shouldn't have jeopardized your job for me."
Strauss smiled. "It's the least I can do, Aaron, seeing as you saved my life when you had Agent Morgan check me into the rehab center for my drinking problem. This is my small way of saying thank you."(1)
"You're welcome. And thank you, ma'am," Hotch replied, amazed at what she had done for him.
"Also, I hope what I'm about to tell you will in some small way help you as well. Five years ago, my uh…my now ex-husband had the same problem after an auto accident."
"Erin, you don't have to…." Hotch interjected with compassion. But Strauss held up a hand stopping him.
"Please, let me finish. Alan was badly injured in the same area. It was a long recovery for him. Nearly two years. The point I'm trying to make is that two years later he did make a full recovery, and things couldn't have been better. Of course we did eventually divorce, but the reason I'm telling you this, is because you need to give yourself time, Aaron. Time to heal completely and not rush things because they aren't going fast enough for you. There are many things that cannot be rushed. Enjoy the small victories. And be grateful for the support and love of a good woman. From what I could see when I walked in, that shouldn't be a problem. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"
"Yes. I will. Thank you. I'm sorry. I didn't know that about your husband."
"Nobody does. You're the only person I've told, and I would prefer if it goes no further."
"Of course. You have my word."
Strauss smiled. "Thank you." She checked her watch. "I have a meeting to get to so I'm afraid I must leave." She caught glance of the trolls and then the bear. "Miss Garcia has been here, I see," she grinned. She smirked at Hotch. "It is a remarkable likeness, Aaron."
Hotch rolled his eyes. This thing with the bear was never going to end. "Yes, ma'am," he grumbled. Haley smirked and turned away from her husband.
"Take all the time you need to get better, Aaron. Your job will be waiting for you. But I really must leave now. Goodbye." She was out the door before either Hotch or Haley could respond. They only looked at each other. Neither one could believe what had just happened.
Penelope Garcia sat in her chair in her lair staring at the image on the computer screen in front of her. She hadn't changed a single thing since arriving at work. It wasn't that she had nothing to do, but because she couldn't concentrate. Her mind kept wandering back to her visit with her boss. Deep down, she had a suspicion Hotch might already have figured out the truth himself. Regardless, she didn't know how much longer she could keep up the charade. With a sigh, she put an elbow on the table and rested her chin in her hand.
"Oh, Penelope Garcia, too bad you don't have a fairy godmother. Somebody to tell you what to do," she sighed eyes not really taking in the crime screen image on the screen.
"Will I do?" a female voice announced from behind her. Garcia jumped and spun around in her chair to find a smiling JJ staring at her. Garcia placed both hands on her chest.
"Sunshine, don't you ever do that to me again!" She swatted at JJ's arm playfully. "You trying to scare your child's godmother to death?"
JJ chuckled. "I wouldn't have scared you to death if you hadn't already been lost in space."
"Ohhhh, Lost in Space. I loved that show! It was so tech savvy for its time especially with the robot always saying 'Danger, Will Robinson'…" (2) Garcia mimicked the movements of a robot. JJ held up a hand stopping her friend's rambling. "Sorry, I got kinda carried away like our resident genius."
JJ shrugged. "Better not let Reid hear you or he'll get started. Just out of curiosity, what's got you so pre-occupied?"
Garcia stared at her hands now in her lap. She avoided her friend's eyes. "I kinda visited Hotch before I came to work this morning."
JJ slowly sat on the edge of a small table and faced the tech analyst. "What do you mean by 'kinda visited'? You either did or you didn't."
Garcia looked up this time. "I realize our Italian Love God told us to wait until he found out if it was okay to visit, but I was so worried about Boss-man. You should have seen him, JJ. He looked so sad and defeated. I wanted nothing more than to tell him everything was gonna be all right. It hurt my heart to keep him from finding out we already knew the truth."
"You didn't mention it to him, did you?"
"Of course not. But you should have seen how sad he looked. He looked like he's given up completely. He wasn't eating when I got there either. I had to threaten him to get him to eat."
"Have you told Rossi you went to visit Hotch this morning?"
Garcia shook her head. "No. I don't want Acting Boss-man to get mad at me."
"Rossi won't get mad at you, Pen. I think he might be just a tad dismayed you went to visit Hotch without his telling us whether Hotch was up to having visitors. But he'd also be interested in your opinion on how he's doing."
"You think?"
"Yeah, I do. You should tell him. Besides, he said he's going to visit Hotch himself after work today anyway and see if it's okay for us to go visit."
"Maybe you're right. But if I don't, he'll realize I've been there anyway."
JJ narrowed her eyes. "Why do you say that?" Garcia hung her head.
"Garciaaaaa…..what did you do?"
Garcia smiled a devious smile and looked at her friend. "I sorta left a few multicolored trolls in the room. I also brought a large teddy bear dressed in a black suit and tie with a white shirt and a scowl like Hotch's." She chuckled. "JJ, you should have seen it! He looked just like my liege! Except for the dimples, they could be twins! I call him Hotch the Second!"
"Hotch the Second?" JJ burst out laughing as she pictured their boss's reaction to the bear. "I'm sure Hotch was thrilled."
"Of course he was," Garcia explained. "It was a gift from the heart. Besides, it made his room look much more inviting to visitors."
"I'm sure it did," JJ laughed with a shake of her head. "C'mon."
"Where are we going?" she asked as JJ took her hand and pull her to her feet.
"We're gonna see Rossi and prepare him so the shock won't be too great when he gets to the hospital. I don't know about you, but I'd hate to be responsible for giving our Acting Unit Chief a heart attack."
(1) The episode with Strauss's drinking problem was Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, Season 7.
(2) Lost in Space was a science fiction television show which ran from 1965 to 1968.