Chapter 42

Rossi wasn't surprised when he found Morgan and Garcia seated side-by-side on chairs in the hallway outside Hotch's hospital room. Morgan held a Styrofoam coffee cup in one hand, and Garcia's hand in the other. He had had a suspicion the duo would head to the hospital when they asked him for permission to take an early lunch. As he had the same idea himself, he let them go ahead. He smiled when they looked up at him.

"I figured I'd find you two here," he said.

"Sorry, sir," Garcia replied. "I…that is…what I mean is we…what I'm trying to say…"

"It's okay, kitten. So did you see Hotch?"

Morgan shook his head. "No. He uh…Hotch was asleep when we entered his room. We didn't want to wake him so we left."

"So you both decided to sit out here and wait?"

"Sounds silly doesn't it?" Garcia looked at the older man with puppy dog eyes.

Rossi let out a deep breath. "Not at all, kitten. Let me take a look inside and see if he's still asleep." He walked toward the closed door. Opening it quietly, he looked into the room. He suspected Hotch had been awake the entire time of Morgan and Garcia's visit. He just didn't want to talk to anyone at the time. He hoped his friend was more receptive now.

Hotch had no idea how long he had been staring at the ceiling with tears rolling down his cheeks when the door of his room opened. An hour? A few minutes? He literally had no idea.

"Aaron?" asked the gruff voice of David Rossi. Hotch didn't reply. He let out a deep breath, turned his head, and stared at the older man. Rossi noticed the pain in his friend's dark eyes. His eyes narrowed, and his eyebrows knitted together as he approached the bed. He began to wonder what had happened since he last visited. "Aaron, what's wrong? Maybe I can help?"

Hotch wiped his tear-stained cheeks with the palms of both hands and looked up at his friend. "Nothing's wrong, Dave. I swear."

"Umm-hmmm. Aaron, this is me you're talking to, y'know. And you aren't upset because you miss my pretty face, and Haley isn't here," Rossi hoped to lighten the mood. He sat down in the vacant chair. "So what's got you upset? You aren't still hearing that voice in your head again."

"No. It's nothing like that. You're not gonna let this drop, are you?"

Rossi smirked. "Not on your life. Now spill it, Aaron," he said gently.

"It was something I overheard that I wasn't supposed to while Garcia and Morgan were here, Dave." Hotch recalled Morgan's revelation. "And don't ask me what was said because it was personal. But I will say it made me realize something I didn't earlier."

"And that is?"

"That the team doesn't think any less of me."

Rossi allowed the corners of his mouth to turn upward. He remembered Garcia's red, swollen eyes. He realized the tech analyst had been the one to get through to Aaron without realizing it. But what she and Morgan had discussed in front of Hotch, assuming he was asleep, he had no idea. A smile appeared on his face. Bless you, kitten. Whatever you said had a profound effect on Hotch. Good job.

"I noticed Morgan and Garcia sitting outside, waiting. Morgan told me you were asleep which I suspect is a lie. Do you want to talk about why you didn't want to talk with them?"

Hotch kept his face blank. "As I said, it was personal."

Rossi shrugged his shoulders. "Just figured I'd ask. But Penelope looked like she'd been crying."

Hotch swallowed the lump in his throat. Penelope crying upset him. He made himself a promise to tell her how much her words meant to him. Also, finding out about Morgan deeply troubled him. He had failed Morgan by not realizing the man had suffered again because of Buford. He had to find a way to make amends for his failure. Not only as a boss, but as a friend.

"Is the rest of the team here?" Hotch asked.

"JJ, Prentiss, and Reid will be here after work. What about Morgan and Garcia, Aaron? They would love to see you."

"Not right now, Dave. I'm really tired and wouldn't be good company. Also, I need to think before the entire team gets here. Can you tell them to come back later with the others?"

"Sure. Whatever you want." Rossi looked at his watch. "I'd better get going anyway." He patted Hotch's shoulder. "I'll come back with the others. Will that be all right?"

"That's fine. I'm sorry about this, but I'm really tired right now."

Rossi smiled. "No apology necessary, my friend." He got out of the chair and headed toward the door. He stopped and looked back hearing his name called.

"Thanks, Dave, for everything. I mean it."

"Get some rest, my friend. You're gonna need it when the kids come for a visit later." Hotch chuckled as he closed his eyes. Rossi left the room quietly.

Morgan and Garcia got to their feet seeing the older man exiting the room.

"You were in there for nearly half-an-hour, Rossi," Morgan indicated. "Is Hotch all right?"

Rossi sighed wearily. "He's fine. He's a bit tired right now and asked me to tell you both to come back later when the others come. What he needs right now is sleep."

"But he's all right?" asked Penelope, worried.

"He's fine, kitten. I swear." Rossi checked his watch again. "Since Aaron's not up for visitors, how about I treat us to lunch before we head back to the office." He studied his subordinates closely.

Garcia and Morgan exchanged looks, then faced Rossi.

"You're on, my Italian Love God," Garcia replied with a smile, playfully touching the older man's arm. She glanced at Morgan. "How 'bout you, my Chocolate Love Hunk?"

"As long as you're buyin', old man," Morgan chuckled with his megawatt smile. "I never turn down a free meal."

Garcia smiled, and the duo accompanied Rossi to the elevator just down the hall. Rossi pressed the down button. As they waited, Garcia cast a brief glance over her shoulder in the direction of Hotch's room hoping that their boss was really all right.

The rest of the day was uneventful for Hotch. During that time, he did a lot of thinking. Especially about the conversation he had overheard between Garcia and Morgan. Dare he allow himself to believe that his team didn't think any less of him in his current state despite what he told Rossi? Dare he let himself believe he was worthy of being loved by those important to him? He realized the team would be arriving soon, and he told himself he had to talk to them and let them understand what and how he felt. He sighed, and before long, moisture gathered again in his eyes.

Hotch quickly wiped his moist eyes as the door of his room opened. He turned his head and spotted a concerned Rossi standing in the open doorway studying him. The older man he considered a father, closed the door behind him, and sat in the chair beside his friend's bed. He held one of Hotch's hands in both of his with his eyes focused on the younger man. Hotch could see the depth of his friend's feelings.

"The team's outside waiting," Rossi said, worried. "Or would you rather we leave and come back another time?"

"Dave, I'm so sorry."

"Shhh. It's okay, Aaron," Rossi said with a small smile. He stroked his friend's hair gently. "Really. I'll understand completely if you'd rather be alone. I'm sure the team will also."

"No, you don't understand. I need to see the others. There's something I need to say to them."

Rossi was puzzled. "Are you sure, Aaron? I mean, you haven't been too receptive to seeing anybody since the urologist told you the truth about your problem. And you just started talking to me again."

"Please, Dave. I need to do this before I change my mind."

Rossi nodded. Aaron was in a delicate frame of mind right now, and he didn't want to upset the man further. "Okay, just take it easy, and I'll have them come inside in a few moments. They're all outside chomping at the bit wanting to see you. They're scared, Aaron. They think you shut them out because of getting bad news from the doctor," he lied. "But they love you and are determined to help."

Hotch swallowed the lump in his throat. He had to make this right.

"Dave…"

Rossi got to his feet. He opened the door, and gestured to the others standing in the hallway to come inside now. Slowly, JJ, Morgan, Emily, Reid, and Garcia entered the room and gathered around their team leader's bed. Garcia wiped at the tears threatening to fall. The others, except for Emily, noticed the trolls around the room. Emily's eyes, instead, fell on the bear sitting on the foot of the bed. She smirked and rested a hand on the bear's head. "Rossi didn't tell us you had company, Hotch," she said with a nervous laugh. The others looked at the bear and, except for Reid, tried to hide the chortles behind hands. Reid looked confused.

"That's Hotch the Second, my raven-haired beauty," Garcia told her proudly.

"Hotch the Second?" Reid replied with wide eyes. "Garcia, are you inferring that Hotch is a teddy bear? Because if you are, and I'm sure Hotch would agree, that a teddy bear hardly describes him accurately. If you had to find something that accurately describes Hotch, I would suggest…" Reid's eyes noticed the look on his boss's face and swallowed nervously. "Uh…forget I said anything," he added and shut his mouth.

"Hotch?" JJ asked hesitantly seeing her boss's face. "Rossi said you wanted to see us?"

Hotch nodded, not caring that tears were in his eyes. "I'm so, so sorry," he stammered.

"About what, sir?" Garcia asked. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"Yes I did," Hotch explained. "I shut all of you out after I learned the truth."

"Truth?" Garcia arched her eyebrows realizing to what Hotch was referring. "What truth might that be, sir?"

"The truth that all of you are aware of a certain injury of mine, Penelope."

Morgan studied his boss's face. "Hotch, we have no idea…"

"Morgan, I overheard you and Garcia talking earlier today when you assumed I was asleep. I overheard the entire conversation between the two of you."

"Garciaaaaa….." Emily whined staring at the tech analyst.

"What?" Penelope inquired looking around at her friends. "I never said anything about Hotch's prob….oops." Penelope's eyes widened as she clamped both hands over her mouth realizing what she was about to admit. "I'm sorry, sir. I didn't mean…."

"It's okay, Penelope," Hotch replied holding up a hand. "And Prentiss, don't blame Garcia. She didn't say anything."

Reid, JJ, Emily and Rossi continued to stare at their tech analyst. Garcia, meanwhile, let tears roll down her cheeks freely. "Oh, sir, we are so sorry. We never meant for you to find out this way. I hope you can find it in your heart of hearts to forgive us."

"It's all right, Penelope," Hotch said. "I don't blame any of you. Yes, I was angry that all of you were made privy to something so personal. That is why I shut all of you out. I wasn't able to handle the team knowing the truth."

"Hotch, we are so, so sorry we didn't tell you," Prentiss echoed. "We never meant to hurt you."

"I realize none of you did," Hotch continued. "But I was hurt. Not only did all of you know about it, but lied about it to my face. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized why you all did it."

"We did it because we love you, my liege," Garcia interjected. "You are still our fearless leader. Our Mon Capitan. Our boss-man. Our…"

"I understand, Garcia," Hotch interrupted. "And I appreciate it although I'm still having a hard time accepting the truth myself." Hotch swallowed another lump which had formed in his throat.

"Aaron, you don't have to do this now," Rossi informed his friend with a hand on his shoulder. "You need to rest."

Hotch stared at his friend. "No, Dave, I need to do this."

"Okay," was all Rossi said with a grin. He patted Hotch's shoulder. Hotch again turned back to the others and licked his suddenly dry lips.

He understood they were scared; scared of what they suspected he was about to say to them. Scared that he was going to say he couldn't trust any of them anymore. Hotch let his eyes fall on each one of them individually as they all avoided his eyes. The corners of his mouth turned upward just a bit. He had to choose his words carefully.

"I'm…I'm not going to lie here and say I'm not angry that you found out, because I am. But not at all of you." Their heads lifted as each looked at their injured leader with surprise.

"Hotch, you don't…" Reid began. He closed his mouth when Hotch held up a hand stopping him.

"I need you all to listen to me." Hotch continued and lowered his hand when Reid nodded. "I am angry because I kept telling myself something that wasn't true. I knew it wasn't true, but I was unable to get my brain to understand that. I had to wait until it was pointed it out to me." Hotch let his eyes drift to Morgan just for a second. The black agent bowed his head, then looked at his boss.

Only Rossi caught the subtle glance Hotch had given Morgan. He had an idea something had taken place between Morgan, Garcia, and Hotch, but would not inquire unless one of them wanted to tell him.

"And it's because of that that I…" Hotch paused and let out a deep breath. "…that I began to understand why all of you felt it necessary to keep that knowledge from me. You were trying to make things easier on me, and I thank you for that. But you don't have to walk on eggshells around me anymore. It's all right. But right now, I'd like to get some sleep before Haley comes."

Everybody smiled as they exchanged looks. Garcia leaned over and gave her boss a gentle hug and planted a kiss on the top of his head.

"Thank you, sir, thank you. I'm glad you're not angry because we really didn't intend to lie to you. And we…" She paused when Morgan grabbed her arm. She looked at her best friend curiously.

"Baby Girl, Hotch wants to take nap right now, remember?"

"Oh. Oh, right." She faced Hotch. "Sorry, sir."

"One thing more," Hotch stated as he watched his team head toward the door. They stopped and looked back at him knowing they had dodged a bullet. "I'd like Morgan and Garcia to stay for a few minutes."

Morgan and Garcia looked at the others and then at Hotch. Morgan nodded. "Sure thing," he said. He approached the head of the bed as Garcia slowly sat down on the bed near Hotch's hand. Everybody waited until Rossi, JJ, Prentiss, and Reid left the room. Morgan stuffed both hands in his pants pockets. He suspected what Hotch wanted to speak with him about, and appreciated him wanting to do it alone. "Hotch, I uh…you don't have to say anything. We both understand."

"No you don't," Hotch began. "Derek, I am so sorry I didn't pick up that you had a problem after you had to confront Buford last year. We should have talked once…" He stopped when Morgan held up a hand.

"Hotch, don't go there. I know I could have talked to you about what was happening, but I wasn't ready to talk to anybody. But if I was, I would have come to you. But I refused to burden you with what was happening because you would have found some way to blame yourself. Just understand that I would have sought you out at some point. But back then, I just couldn't."

Hotch nodded. "I understand. Just know my door is always open should you want to talk. Don't let my situation keep you from coming to me. I'm still here for you anytime."

"I know you are, and thanks. And I hope that despite you being my boss will not stop you from talking to somebody who has gone through what you are. It's like I said to Garcia, Hotch. I might not have suffered an injury like you, but I've been where you are. And let me add that nobody on this team thinks any less of you because of it. We have as much respect for you now as we had before anything happened. That will never change. Not for me or for anybody else on this team. You are our Unit Chief; the one we look to for leadership. And no matter what happens, we'll continue to look to you for leadership."

Hotch's lower lip quivered. "I appreciate that, Derek, I do." He exhaled through his mouth and smirked. "But don't you think you're piling it on a bit thick?"

Morgan chuckled. "Maybe. But it's true, man. I wouldn't change a word of what I said. I need for you to believe me, Hotch."

"I do." Hotch then turned his attention to his tech analyst. "Penelope?"

"Yes, Mon Capitan?"

"I appreciate what you said. Everything you said."

Garcia's cheeks turned red. "I…I meant what I said, my liege. We want you to lead us, and nothing will ever change that. I could never see myself working for anybody else. I need you to accept that fact."

Hotch smiled showing his dimples which Penelope loved. Despite the injuries to his face, she was glad his dimples were still unaffected.

"I do, Penelope. And I really do appreciate that. And I know you were being honest." Hotch failed at hiding a yawn. "You two better leave before somebody suspects something's wrong. And by somebody I mean Dave."

"We gotcha," Morgan said with a smile. "Now get some sleep, Hotch." He waited until Hotch settled down and closed his eyes before he and Garcia walked toward the door. As his hand gripped the doorknob, they paused to look back at their now sleeping boss and smiled. Garcia felt a sense of relief that she had been able to give Hotch peace of mind. And Morgan sensed he and Hotch had not only shared something personal and private, but had reached a new level in their friendship.