Chapter 38 - The Vigil
Bernadette sat quietly in the Officer's Club just moving her food around with her fork, she couldn't get the picture of Penny out of her mind. She stopped Howard from leading her away, outside of Leonard's room, and if Howard didn't patiently talk her from going back in there, she knew she would still be sitting with Penny. The thought of Leonard dying was getting to her too, along with the fear on what loosing Leonard was going to do to Penny. This was a side of Penny she had never seen before, her filled with grief, unable to even take care of herself and Bernadette knew it would only get worse when Leonard died, even though she hoped beyond hope that he wouldn't.
"Howard I need to go to a church."
Howard nodded, "Okay, but you have to eat first. I'll take you anywhere you want to go, if you eat something." Bernadette slowly ate her food.
Less than an hour later, Bernadette was kneeling in a pew at the Post Chapel, softly praying, while Howard sat next to her saying a prayer himself. They stayed like that for about twenty minutes, then Bernadette went to the front of the church to light a candle for Leonard, again saying a little prayer after she did that too. Their ride back to the officers quarters was quiet and it wasn't till they were in the room, before Bernadette really spoke to Howard.
"Howie, maybe I should go back to the hospital."
"Bernie, you were there all day with Penny and I can tell you're emotionally drained. Penny has a bed there and they are watching over her, almost as much as Leonard." Howard took his wife into his arms. "Bernie are you going to sleep in a chair there all night? Honey you are pregnant, you need your rest too." Howard then swallowed hard, he knew how she felt, he felt responsible for everything Leonard and Penny were going through. "They have our number here, they will call us if anything happens, believe me. This is different than a civilian hospital, they see everyone as family here, they will call us to take care of Penny, if anything happens with Leonard."
"Howie, I'm just so scared for both of them. I have never seen Penny like this, she seems so helpless."
"I know." Howard held Bernadette for a while, finally getting her to go to bed, but unfortunately not to sleep. He laid there awake with her for over two hours, before both of them drifted off the sleep, due to exhaustion.
- TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN -
Bernadette was walking through the hospital halls into the intensive care unit, when she was stopped by one of the nurses, that was there the day before. It scared Bernadette at first, because the nurse's expression appeared to be that of worry and concern. "Is something wrong with Leonard…..or Penny?" She immediately asked.
"We're worried about Mrs. Hofstadter. She sat in a chair all night looking at her husband, we are not sure if she even slept last night."
"Oh No." Bernadette now felt guilty for leaving the night before.
"If she continues to act like this, they are not going to let her stay with him. They will not let her get herself sick over this. You really need to explain it to her." The nurse then took a little pill case out of her pocket. "The doctor gave me these sedatives for her. If you give them to her, she should sleep for a while. They are not too strong so we could still wake her up if anything happens."
"Okay, I will. Thank you." The nurse nodded to Bernadette and walked back to the desk area.
Bernadette walked into the room to find Penny right where she left her, the night before, dark circles under her eyes. Bernadette sat next to her and took Penny's hand, which made her turn to look at Bernadette. "Penny, you need to sleep."
Penny slowly shook her head, "No…I can't….what if Leonard needs me."
"Honey, I will stay right here while you sleep, I promise to wake you if anything happens, anything at all. You trust me don't you?"
Penny nodded. "But….what if…" tears started to fall from her eyes.
Bernadette could see that the lack of sleep was affecting Penny's reasoning, she needed to sleep. "Penny, I will wake you up, I promise, you will be with Leonard if anything happens." Bernadette then stood up, pulling Penny up with her, then lead her to the bed. She got Penny in the bed then gave her the pills and some water, before she laid down. Bernadette kept glancing at her for the next 20 minutes until one time she finally saw Penny's eyes closed, she was asleep at last. Bernadette then got the computer tablet out of her purse, that Howard gave her, and powered it up, going directly to Google and typing in 'Traumatic Brain Injuries Military' Bernadette was planning on spending her day studying Leonard's condition and watching over Penny.
- TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN -
Bernadette yawned and stretched, it had been a long day and she expected Howard to come by soon. She had been there eight hours and thankfully, Penny slept the whole time and was still asleep. It had been over 48 hours since Leonard had gotten hurt and he was still the same, which from what Bernadette read today, was actually good, the longer he stayed the same, the better the chance he wouldn't die. But she also read that sometimes soldiers that were hurt this way would sometimes seem to get better then just die a few days later, so Bernadette tried not to get too much hope up yet. She had to remain realistic, so she could help Penny, and try not to give her any false hope, while at the same time not trying to make her feel like Leonard was not going to make it. All she did know is that the longer Leonard lived the better his chances were.
Howard walked into Leonard's room, just in time to see his wife stand up and stretch, he was just as concerned for her as he was for Penny. He watched her look at Penny, who appeared to be asleep in her bed and watched the surprise form on her face as she finally realized he was in the room with her. Howard held her tight as she quickly moved into his arms, he knew she was holding him for comfort, being with Penny all day, watching Leonard, was depressing her almost as much as Penny.
"Are you ready to leave and get something to eat?"
"I can't, I promised Penny I would stay here till she woke up. I can't not be her when she wakes up, she is so on edge, if she can't depend on me, she won't trust anyone."
"Okay, have you eaten properly today?" Howard looked at her with a little bit of suspicion.
"Howie, I couldn't leave her." Bernadette tried to defend herself.
"Bernie, you can't…." Howard stopped himself, getting his wife upset did nothing to solve the current situation. "I'm going to get us some sandwiches, okay." He watched as his wife gave him a little 'Thank You' smile and nodded.
Penny woke up a couple hours later and ate the sandwich Howard got for her too. Howard and Bernadette not leaving her till almost 10 PM that night, again Bernadette reluctant to leave her alone again.
- TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN -
Sometimes a person will continue to live even when the odds are against him, day three found Leonard still alive, with Penny watching over him, Bernadette at her side most of that day too. Day four was almost a copy of day three, except some tests were run on Leonard, without any positive results, he was the same, no change, his bones were healing but his brain still swollen. Day five, six, and seven were the same, the only big difference being Penny, she had settled in to somewhat of a routine. Bernadette had gotten her extra underwear, so she had a two weeks supply now, because that was all she wore besides the hospital scrubs she was given every day. She would shower every day and dress, putting her hair in a ponytail or messy bun, her only real effort in fixing herself up each day. Bernadette made sure she ate, with the help of the nurses, who now all knew Leonard's condition and knew her, taking it upon themselves to watch over her when Bernadette wasn't there.
It was after spending most of day eight with Penny that Bernadette knew she had to discuss something with Howard. "Howie, we can't stay here forever."
"I know, we are going to have to leave in a week. Leonard chances for survival are better than a week ago, but they still don't know now if he will wake from the coma. He might be under care for a long while."
"I don't know what to do. I feel horrible if we have to leave Penny alone here." The last two days Bernadette had been thinking about this almost continuously.
"Bernie, you know she won't leave and we can't stay here forever with her." It was a horrible situation, having to leave your good friend and his distraught wife alone and go over a thousands miles away back to your home, but what else could they do.
"God Howie, this just isn't fair." Bernadette pulled herself into his arms, tears falling down her cheeks."
"I know Honey, I know." Howard didn't know what else to say.
- TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN -
Penny was sitting in the intensive care unit hall, while Leonard was going through several tests, that she wasn't allowed to accompany him to, so she had reluctantly went to the cafeteria with Bernadette to get a meal. It had been ten days since Leonard was hurt and as she ate she wondered if and what she would be told about the results of these tests. Nothing really changed significantly for the last ten days and Penny had become almost oblivious of time since she had gotten there. Bernadette had been with her for part of every day, and she loved her for it, but the loneliness of not having Leonard was dragging her down into depression, she missed talking to him so much.
Penny and Bernadette both stood up as Leonard was wheeled into his room, but Penny immediately got scared when the doctor asked her to come with him to talk about Leonard's condition. Usually they didn't tell her anything after his tests, she guessed because nothing had ever changed, so now that they wanted to talk to her, she was terrified. Bernadette grabbed her hand to comfort her as they both followed the doctor to a small office a short way down the hall.
"Mrs. Hofstadter, we have the results from the last tests."
Penny was about to cry. "Please tell me he is not getting worse."
The doctor looked up at her from his paperwork surprised. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. Let me start again…. Mrs. Hofstadter, we finally have some positive news on your husbands condition."
Penny took a big breath, squeezing Bernadette's hand. "Okay." she said quietly.
The doctor gave her a small smile. "Okay the big news first. His brain swelling is definitely going down. As a matter-of-fact, it had come down almost 50 percent, which is really good, and we still have brain activity, so that is good too." The doctor smiled at her again as he saw her relax a little. "We don't think there is anymore internal bleeding or seepage, his organs seem to be working reasonably normal now. Finally his bones are healing normally which is good too. The bottom line is your husband is healing."
Tears fell down Penny's cheeks. "Thank you." then she asked him the question she had been thinking about the last few days. "Does that mean he will wake up soon?"
The doctor's smile disappeared. "To be honest, we don't know. A coma from an injury like his, is a difficult thing to try and foresee what the outcome will be, Mrs. Hofstadter. We can't make a predictions at this point, I'm sorry."
Penny just nodded and looked down.
The doctor felt bad, "I'm sorry that is all I have right now."
Penny nodded again, saying 'Thank you' again. Bernadette thanked the doctor too. The doctor then left them alone in the room.
"Penny you have to take comfort in he is doing better. Don't think about the stuff still happening to him, he is getting better, baby steps, okay."
"I know." Penny sighed. "I need to go back to him."
- TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN -
It was four days later, exactly two weeks since the accident, and Penny found herself waiting for Leonard to come back from his tests, again. However today had been different, while Leonard was gone, two enlisted medical technicians moved a hospital type bed into Leonard's room, like the ones that were in most of the intensive care rooms. The biggest surprise was though, when Leonard came back from his tests, he was on his back, and the metal rods that were sticking out on his left side were gone, casts now present on the left side of his body. This time when the doctor came to see her, to talk to her about Leonard, he had a little smile on his face.
"Mrs. Hofstadter, your husband's brain does not show up as swollen anymore, in any of the tests, that crisis seems to be over." The doctor stared at her to let it sink in.
"So his brain is healed?"
"It is probably not completely healed, but yes it is recovering, it is a very good sign. Also, his bones are mending and his internal injuries are healing well too. So with the support rods for his broken bones removed, there was no more reason for him to be positioned the way he was, we are putting him in a bed now."
Penny nodded, "Will he wake up?"
The doctor sighed. "That is another story, we just don't know yet. We did try a few simple things today to try and wake him, but he did not respond. I'm sorry."
Penny nodded, "Can I touch him now?"
"Yes, you can just gently touch him, but only on his right side, okay, and be very careful of his head."
Penny nodded, "Thank you."
Penny walked back into Leonard's room, watching them position him on his back, it was so different seeing him this way after two weeks. She sat in her chair, as the nurses finished up, she knew them all now and they smiled at her while they worked, they knew Leonard was actually getting better. It was a few more minutes before they finished, and then Penny walked up to him, gently touching the side of his face, the respirator still covering his mouth. She moved her face close to his and gave him a kiss on the exposed side of his face. "I love you honey."
- TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN - TIN MAN -
Bernadette and Howard had visited Leonard that Friday night, hearing the good news from Penny about Leonard's condition. Bernadette thought Penny was finally coming to grips with Leonard's condition, and now knowing he was healing, she had become a little more calm, settled into her routine with him each day. However, Bernadette had been visiting her each day since the first and now she was worried because it was time for Howard and Bernadette to go back to California.
Bernadette took Penny's hand, getting Penny to look at her. "Leonard's getting better."
Penny nodded then kept nodding as tears fell down her cheeks.
"Penny that is good news, baby steps remember. Leonard is getting better." Bernadette couldn't help think that Penny was only a shell of her past self, the constant grief and depression was eating her away. Bernadette thought Penny must have lost a good 10 pounds, the hospital scrubs just seemed to hang on her frame and her skin looked pale.
"I know, I miss him so much. He is here, but he is not here….I don't know." Penny sighed, "At least I can kiss him now." Penny turned back to look at her husband.
Penny staring at Leonard, broke Bernadette's heart, she had spent so many hours with Penny, just watching her stare at Leonard, like if she kept doing it he would be okay. Penny was taking sort of care of herself now, but her eating properly was still something Bernadette worried about. The nurses were really nice and helped a lot, but Bernadette still couldn't get the concern out of her mind, that leaving Penny here alone, was a terrible thing to do to someone who was like your family.
"Penny, Howard and I have to leave tomorrow. It has been two weeks, we have to go back now. Honey are you going to be alright?"
Penny nodded, "I think so. I can't leave him alone….I can't." Penny looked at Bernadette again. "You know that don't you."
Bernadette nodded, she knew if it was Howard, she would stay with him too. "Penny, I called your parents, your mother is getting in tomorrow, before we leave, and she will spend a week with you."
Penny nodded, "Thank You."
"Penny, is there anything else I can do for you when we get back. Do you want us to take care of your apartment?"
Penny nodded again, then got up to get her purse in the small cabinet near the wall where some of her personnel stuff was. She pulled out her keys and gave them to Bernadette, then took out the checkbook, she got at the bank. Penny finally took out a pen and started to sign several blank checks, then gave the book to Bernadette. "Can you take care of the rent and bills for me?"
"Yes sure, no problem, but do you have money?"
Penny nodded, her voice cracking a little. "Leonard made sure I had all the money I needed. I have credit cards on his account and some cash."
It was after dinner time, and Howard had been standing in the doorway for about 10 minutes just watching the exchange between his wife and Penny. He knew it was killing his wife to leave Penny and he knew she wouldn't have even considered leaving if Penny's mother wasn't coming. It was killing him too, he felt like he was deserting his best friend and his wife. Howard walked up to them, "Hey guys."
Bernadette wanted to just rush to him and hug him, but she couldn't do that, she couldn't show Penny what she had and Penny didn't. So she just stood up, "Hey Howie."
"Have you guys eaten?" Howard carefully chose his words, trying to be careful on what he said around Penny, he owed it to Leonard.
"No…..Penny are you hungry?"
Penny slowly shook her head, which made Bernadette look at Howard, pain in her eyes. This happened a lot the last two weeks, it was like Penny felt she had to punish herself, to somehow make Leonard get better and Howard saw what it was doing to his wife, it was making her hurt inside. It was the one thing that really still bothered Bernadette, Penny was not eating enough, and it made Bernadette afraid to leave her. Howard walked up in front of Penny and got on his knee, blocking her view of Leonard. Penny looked at him in surprise. "Penny, you not eating and not taking care of yourself is not only hurting you, it is hurting Leonard." The mention of hurting Leonard made Penny's eyes go wide.
Howard took a quick look at Bernadette, then looked at Penny again. "Penny, Leonard has always loved you with all his heart. You know that don't you?" Penny nodded.
Howard took a breath, he had to say the next words, "You know he would die for you, he loves you so much. I saw that over the years, his love for you." Penny nodded again, her eyes getting wet.
"Penny if you make yourself sick, it is going to kill Leonard, when he wakes up. He will feel responsible and he will hate himself for doing that to you. Do you understand?" Penny looked up at the corner of the room, trying not to look at Howard's eyes, she knew he was right.
Howard looked at Bernadette again, hoping he didn't make things worse. It was a long half a minute but slowly Penny looked back at Howard. "I don't know what to do, Howard." her voice cracking with every word.
Howard wanted to tell her to go to Leonard's officer quarters room and sleep, go outside for a while, try and live a little more than she was, but he knew she wouldn't and she might go back into her shell if he even suggested it. He needed to get her do some little things, try and get her back from the all encompassing grief she was in. "Penny, just take care of yourself for him. When he wakes up he will need you strong to take care of him. So keep yourself healthy and strong for him, okay."
In a small squeaky voice Penny responded, "Okay."
"Penny just come down to the cafeteria and eat something with us. Get a little exercise walking down there, eat some and just relax a little. Leonard has been fine for two weeks and we will tell them where we are going, okay." Bernadette was almost pleading to her.
Penny looked at both of them, then back at Leonard, slowly nodding her head. They all stood up and Penny walked over to Leonard, giving him a kiss on the cheek, "I'm just going to eat Honey. I'll be back is just a little bit. I love you honey." She gave him another kiss, then followed Howard and Bernadette out of the room. Howard and Bernadette kept Penny down at the cafeteria for almost an hour and even got her talking again, while she ate. The made sure she was then settled down with Leonard again before they left for the night, tomorrow was their last day to see Penny and Leonard before they left.