Sorry is Never Enough

Disclaimer: I don't own the 100 or its characters.

Author's Note: This is a very transitional chapter meant to show how thoughts and feelings are progressing. I just wanted to warn readers that there isn't any dialogue and it's a bit short. If you're not into that, sorry. I wanted to explore this journey with Clarke and obviously there's going to be a lot of gradual change in how these characters feel about themselves and each other that has to be worked out somehow. Thank you for reading, reviewing, favoriting and following, it is so appreciated! Without further ado, read on and let me know what you think!

Chapter 3

Clarke picked her way along a narrow break in the trees trying to figure out her next steps. Some would call her incredibly stupid, but she felt incredibly liberated. In those first few moments after she left the camp, she was just...happy. For the first time in a long time, she was relieved of stress, guilt and responsibility. Though a little guilt still ate at her. If she was found and captured by the Grounders, she could be a threat to the 100. But she wasn't going to let herself think about that right now. She had struck out on her own. She had told off Bellamy Blake. She was putting the past behind her, one muddy step at a time.

She listed the potential threats ahead of her in her mind. Grounders. Animals. Poisonous food sources. Acid fog. Murphy, if he was still alive. In comparison to the dangers on the Ark, that seemed like a lot. But the dangers on the Ark were more subtle, less suspicious even than poisonous nuts. Rules too easily broken. Fathers too easily betrayed. Mothers too easily trusted. Somewhere in her mind, Clarke knew that she would have to forgive her mother someday, if only for her own sanity. But in her current state, she was content to let that anger simmer. Her resentment of her mother, Finn, Bellamy...it would fuel her, keep her warm in the cold, keep her going in the impossible.

Bellamy had stood for a long time watching the place in the trees where she had disappeared. He had never imagined Clarke Griffin would crack from the pressure and go AWOL on her patients and friends. It was just so unexpected and unlike her. He had thought about leaving countless times, taking Octavia and just walking away. He envied Clarke her ability to actually do it. Princess has some balls after all.

After realizing, she wasn't going to immediately come stomping back to camp complaining of a bee sting or some other trivial injury the privileged couldn't handle, he turned and made his way back to the middle of camp. It was unlikely that anyone would realize Clarke was gone for at least a few hours. He was unsure of how they would react when they did find the healer gone. Even less sure of what they would do when they found out he had let her walk away.

In truth, he didn't really believe they would be okay without her. Even with the radio and doctors to be delivered shortly, Clarke wasn't particularly replaceable. He hated to admit it. He hated even more that he had let her go more because of his own prejudices and less because it was what she told him was better for the 100. He wanted her gone because when she was around, he had to be better. And being better was hard. Except, apparently, for Clarke. She was better, but not perfect. And he hated her for it. He hated himself for hating her. He knew she wasn't like the other privileged on the Ark, that she truly wanted to help people. Beyond deserting camp, she hadn't done very many selfish things either in space or on Earth. And that was what made her truly better than him.

He suspected even Octavia knew that he was more selfish that any of the others. He did what he had to in order to get on the drop ship, but he continued to ask himself if it was because he wanted to protect Octavia or because he couldn't live with the guilt that he was the reason she was going to Earth in the first place? He wanted to think he was a good brother, a good person. But Clarke Griffin put that in limbo with her calm voice and forward-thinking.

He was glad she was gone. Now he could be a leader without her constant nagging and badgering about what was best for everyone. He heard her voice in his head reminding him that she had only ever wanted what was best for them all, him included. He shook those thoughts away quickly. He didn't have sympathy for people like Clarke and he didn't have time to be the perfect leader she expected him to be. They needed to survive. He wondered how long she would on her own.
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Clarke broke through the acres of trees surrounding the 100's camp to a wide valley. She could see fields of high green grass with a small stream cutting across the middle of it all. In the distance there were hundreds of mountain peaks, all much larger than Mt. Weather would likely have been. There were more trees scattered throughout the valley and one particularly large oak on the edge of the stream. Like a beacon calling to her, she realized that oak was where she should stop for the night. She could make her solitary camp beneath the shade of its branches and decide where she was going next. Or she could stay for a while. The area was open, probably the worst idea for staying hidden from enemies, but it felt right. Like the Earth she had drawn on the walls of her cell.

The wind moved the tall blades of grass like ocean waves, or how she imagined ocean waves would move. Now that she had a plan for the next few hours at least, she made her way slowly to the oak and rested her hands on the rough bark there. She felt like she was greeting an old friend. Maybe she was going crazy after all. But it felt like she was finally home and she couldn't help smiling wide at the idea.

She sat down her pack and made a place to sit in the shade of the tree, leaning back against the trunk to stare out at the green fields around her. She wished her father could see this with her. When she felt the wetness on her face, she looked to the sky but didn't see any clouds. She was crying without realizing it, without feeling it. She had been so happy a moment ago. Where had that joy gone? Dad should have been here, she thought. It all should have been different, but it's not. It never should have been this way. Dad, Wells, Charlotte. They deserved to see this.

She laid her head back on the trunk and wept, allowing herself to do something she thought she'd never do on a sunny Earth day thousands of miles below the Ark. She mourned.