Chapter 12
Crazy
I count things now. I count everything and anything. Over and Over. The number of birds that fly past my window, the number of flowers on the bed spread, threads in the tassels of the pillows. Anything to pass the time. I haven't left this room in a week. I know what he's doing and I won't let him win.
Everyday is the same, I'm afraid my sanity is slipping away. I gave up on my wand, I spent my first day in here tearing the room apart. I knew that it wouldn't be in here but it gave me something to do.
An elf brings my food but is not willing or not allowed to speak to me. I refuse to say more then thank you, I will not give Tom the satisfaction of knowing that I am begging an elf to keep me company. This is so twisted, how did I end up here? I wish I had been strong enough to stay away. If I had followed through on my therapy she would have had enough time to get me to see sense.
I am so desperate for something to do I find myself doing the crazy yoga stuff Hermione was always going on about. It feels good to stretch. I do what I can remember, they all have crazy names like downward dog. It relaxes me and I find that Hermione was right about all of it. I twist and contort myself into crazy positions, making it up as I go along really but I don't want to become lethargic. I'm certain that is what he wants, deprive me of my freedom and any human contact and he thinks I will bend to his will. Don't hold your breath Tommy boy. What an infuriating wizard he is.
Admittedly, that could be one of the reasons I am so attracted to him. Dr. Kerington said I am singled minded to the point of recklessness and that I self sabotage. Honestly, I love sparing with him, I love wining an argument, I love that this intensely powerful wizard wants me, can act irrational because of me, I can make him want me and I am the only one who he regards with even the slightest bit of emotion. I suppose that makes me feel powerful, for once it makes me feel like I matter.
I could have so easily given in to him. He said he would marry me, he said he would give me a child and thats what I want. However I realize now that I deserve more, Dr. Kerington did manage to at least get me to see that. I do not want a husband who is distant and treats me as if I am in the way. I don't want my child to be born as a solution to a problem. A baby should never be born with a job, that is what Dr. Phil says. Tom just wanted to end the argument. When that didn't work, he locked me in this room.
I would love to have a telly here but I won't even ask because I know Tom will never allow such a muggle thing here. I started watching Dr. Phil with Hermione, She forced me to watch an episode on toxic relationships, hoping she could stop me from going after so many guys at school. She had no idea how inappropriate I was actually being. Dr. Kerington was impressed when I remembered that line from Dr. Phil and encouraged me to read one of his books, which I started but lost. Now I would give my right arm to have it.
On day 8, at least I think its day 8, I start to sing. Anything I can think of and loud. I don't know if anyone can here me, I never hear footsteps or voices so I think I must be in a wing on my own, or he cast a spell on the room, maybe even both. I sing at the top of my lungs any random song that comes to mind. After a while I'm so desperate I start on Christmas carols but I stop all together when I start thinking about my family and the possibility that I may still be here at Christmas.
Tears start to fall and I don't stop them. I'm breaking, I feel it but I can't stop. I guess I am not as strong as I thought. I have never been deprived like this before. I am used to a bunch of excessively affectionate, always in my business red heads. Over protective and over bearing. I suppose this is Tom's way of being over protective and over bearing but I miss someone telling me goodnight, or asking how my day was. I miss the sounds of other people talking and laughing. I especially miss the smell of food cooking. Whether it was at home or at school there were always heavenly smells wafting from the kitchen. That night I don't eat my dinner, I just cry.
I don't eat breakfast and I don't eat lunch. I don't feel it either, I think my sadness has numbed me, I feel no pangs of hunger. That scares me because it means my psychological state is now affecting me physically.
Tom's POV
"They know she is no longer in school my lord. They are going to start causing problems, we should take them out" Draco says with hardened eyes. He thinks I will take it out on him.
" They are not to be touched, I mean it. How did they find out?" I say walking slow circles around him like a shark circling its prey. I do have a flare for the dramatics.
" The Lovegood weirdo, Although she was somewhat estranged from Weasley, she was instructed to come home for good before Halloween and when she showed up without Ginny she told them that she thought she had already come home. Apparently Arthur sent Ginny a letter about them sicking together and coming home. I don't know where Ginny's mail has been going, if the owl couldn't find her at school he would have taken it back to the sender."
" You think I haven't thought of that?" I snap "its been coming here but I haven't been reading it. I'd been debating on if I should give it to her." I say more to myself then anyone else.
" Forgive me my lord but have you checked in on her since she has been back here?" My head snaps to look at Draco, He is crossing the line, what I do concerning the girl is none of his business.
" I know what I'm doing Draco. You can leave now" I pace for a while, I want to see her, but she will ask a million questions and I have no answers. All I know is that I want her here. After I pace the room, I pace the hallway outside of her door. Back and forth, I want to go in, I want to see her. I haven't seen her in almost 10 days, not even to spy. I can feel her in there. I can feel the intensity of her presence right through the wall. We could be amazing together so powerful, so passionate and so intense. I need to convince her that it will also be great for her.
I look up and down the hallway to make sure nobody will see the pathetic move I am about to make. Once I am sure I am alone I press me ear to her door. Its late, she is probably asleep. In my mind I can see her, Her red hair laid out on the silk pillow, her pale skin against the dark green of the bedspread. One leg will be completely out from under the covers and thrown across the other. She always sleeps like that. A strand of have will be undoubtably and irritatingly stuck to her lips from chewing it before she fell asleep. I hate it when she does that its gross and childish. Merlin, she is so annoying. I shake the visions out of my head when I realize there is a noise coming from the room.
At first it sounded like soft singing then I realized she was crying. This sad little whimper mixed with uncontrollable sniffling. Without a second thought I threw the door open, not thinking that it may scare her. When I first caught sight of her she had thrown herself off the bed in fear. Her eyes were red, she had been crying, hard and for a long time. Her hair was matted to her wet cheeks. Before I could say anything, realizing it was me she came running into my arms.
She is crying and rambling hysterically I have no idea what she is saying. I pick her up and carry her to the bed, when I set her down she wont let go of me. I stroke her hair to try to calm her.
"Shh Ginny, Ginny stop. It's OK, it's OK" She slowly starts calm, her breathing becomes normal again. I lift her head so I can see her face, summon a wash cloth and gently pat her forehead. Her cheeks are all flushed. We don't speak for a while, I clean her up, brush her hair and change her into her pajamas and settle into next to her.
"Tom I.."
"Shh" I cut her off. "Sleep love, we can talk tomorrow. You look like you haven't slept in days." She gives me a soft small smile, I can tell she has questions but is to tired to argue. I laugh to myself as she flings her right leg out from under the covers and across her left and puts a piece of hair in her mouth. Normally I would pull it out but I don't have the heart to tonight, for whatever reason, it calms her.
We sleep. The next morning I let her sleep. She looks so perfect in my arms. I send out a letter to my men detailing their missions and strict instructions not to bother us. We are going to figure this out today, I never want to see her like this again. If she decides to leave again, I will have to let her go. At least I'll have my missions to distract me. Merlin help the death eater that crosses me if she does leave.
I have the house elf bring us some breakfast so its waiting for her. I want to kiss her, I want to kiss her so bad, to wake her up and see her big beautiful brown eyes and make love to her. Finally she begins to stir.
" Tom, you're here" She says sleepily.
"Yes"
" Please don't leave me here" She says clawing at my arms.
" I won't, Come on, lets have breakfast and we can talk."
"No, I don't wanna get up." She says as she snuggles into the pillows. She is never like this. I turn her over so she can look at me. I lean down and plant a soft kiss on her lips. I missed the taste. It takes all my strength to pull back.
" Ginny...Ginny please."
We finally settle in to have breakfast, French Toast, I know it's her favorite.
" Tom, I'm sorry about ..."
"Don't Ginny, You have no reason to apologize, I need to. I handled this wrong. I was trying to figure this out and I couldn't deal with all the questions so I thought I would just keep you here."
" You didn't want to deal with me." Her eyes are brimming with tears.
" Ginny, I...uh damn it I want you. All of you, here with me and forever. I love you."
" I love you too. I think you know that."
" I do, but you feel bad about that and that is hard for me to deal with. You can't help who you love Ginny. I never had any intentions of ever falling in love."
" Well, so sorry to screw up your plans" She says her voice dripping with sarcasm and distain.
" Dam it Ginny will you stop being so defensive and talk to me. I am being very honest with you can you please do me the courtesy of doing the same."
" What do you want from me Tom?" She yells, the tears are streaming down her face now. I didn't want to make her cry.
" I told you I loved you. I told you what I wanted and you didn't reciprocate my feelings. You want me to admit that I feel like a horrible person for loving you. I do. I feel like a horrible person. I am betraying everyone I love. I started this with you again to piss them off. I never thought I would fall for you. But I did, hard. What you did to me this week should have been enough to make me stop but it hasn't."
" It hasn't?"
" No" She whispered. I get up from my seat and walk over to her. I wipe the tears from her perfect cheeks and take her hands.
" Marry me Ginny."
" What? Tom you said ..."
"Forget what I said. I tried that. I tried to live without you, now I know I can't."
"Well...what about all your... stuff"
" Ginny, Loving me means loving all of me, this is what I don't but I can promise you one thing, your family will not suffer at my hands or any of my death eaters who remain loyal."
"And...Uh.."
"Harry? Ginny if you have feelings for him then we cannot be together. I will not guarantee his safety in any way."
" I don't have any feelings for him. I did, I won't lie but that was over a long time ago. He has betrayed me and taken advantage of my feelings for him. He lost my respect."
"What do you mean? What did he do?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Then marry me, I want you. I don't just want you Ginny I need you. I can protect you. You know I will. I think that you share my beliefs a little more then you want to admit."
"Maybe thats true, I won't join your cause, I wont let you use me as a pawn to manipulate the public or to boost your morale. I will not be used."
"I know, I won't. Please marry me Ginny." She pauses for a moment. I can tell she is fighting with herself.
" I want to finish school."
"Of course, I'll get you tutors, you know that you won't be safe at Hogwarts. I won't use you as a pawn but that won't stop the other side from trying to." She is pacing now.
" Where...where would we live? I want to make a home for us Tom. This feels like a boarding house. I don't want to be around death eaters all the time."
" I'll take care of it. We can renovate a wing here. You can do whatever you like."
"I don't want to be alone all the time. You go away allot but will you realize that you have a home life now?"
"I will come home to you. Thats why I asked you to marry me." She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. I can tell she has one more question, I don't want her to ask because I haven't come up with an answer. She opens her eyes, takes one more deep breath and gives away a hint of a smile and gives a little laugh.
"This is crazy" She says as she looks down at her feet and shakes her head. For a minute I think she is saying no. Then she looks up and smiles.
"OK" She says, Its hardly audible but its there.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE REVIEW !