Risk
" Stop crying Genevra, It had to be done, we did it the way you wanted, Your free now" Tom said at breakfast the next day. I pretty much started crying as soon as percy and I returned to the manor. He is getting annoyed I can tell.
Tom looks at things as black and white, at least he does when It involves our relationship. All or nothing, in or out, either I'm with him or I'm against him. He thinks that if I am upset over my family that its like saying I regret my choice and I am rejecting him. I just wish he could see that it is not so easy to walk away from the people who have raised me, loved me and protected me.
" And ignored you, belittled you and took you for granted." Tom says. I drop my fork dramatically and loud on the glass dish. He raises his eyebrow.
" Stop doing that ! You have no right to read my mind, especially when I am to distracted to try and stop you" I yell.
" I hate to break it to you love but even on your best day you would never be able to keep me out." He says without taking his eyes off the daily prophet and sipping his coffee, his voice is dismissive. He doesn't know how to deal with an emotional female. I glare at him. Usually I love to fight but right now I am just drained. I want to go back to bed and sleep the day away. Crying always makes me so tired. I can't stop thinking of my family and all that I have just thrown away.
I try to comfort myself by listing all that I have gained, a man I love, a chance to grow into my own person, a family, hopefully one day. The problem with that is that all those things seem so far away. I don't know when we will be married, I don't know if we will ever have kids. The world is so unstable now, thanks in no small amount to the man sitting across from me.
I think of our Christmases, the smell of bacon cooking in the morning, the way that the house is never quiet and the clock that tells us where everyone is. I have a feeling my arm says mortal danger again.
" Don't be so dramatic, You are under my protection so therefore in no way are you in mortal danger."
I don't even respond, I quietly wipe my mouth and leave the table. I decide to go outside and wander the grounds a bit. I never took notice to how beautiful it was before. I guess I should explore and start making myself feel at home. Tom said next week we can start renovating our wing of the house. Honestly every time he does something he says he is going to do it shocks me. I am excited about decorating even though I don't really know anything about it. He said he would have Narsissa Malfoy help me. I want help but I am not so sure I want it to be her, I'd much rather have pansy help. As I walk in the rose garden I recall the infuriating conversation we had the previous day.
"Ginevra, Pansy does not have any experience decorating a house, Narsissa has exceptional taste. She will treat you well. She is respected, feared. It will be good for you to have a confidant."
" I have Pansy" I said through gritted teeth.
" Pansy is a friend, Narsissa can teach you how to fulfill the responsibilities of your new position"
"You are so pompous sometimes, why can't I just be me."
" Because you don't have any experience with high society. You will meet with Narsissa and thats the end of this discussion."
I left mumbling under my breath, it seems like I do that a lot now. I'm going to need to develop a plan for dealing with Tom.
Snapped out of my thoughts I am brought back to the garden when Tom sneaks up behind me.
"Don't do that"
"What ? this" He says, moving my hair away and kissing my neck, he is playing dirty he know that is my favorite.
"Come on, don't be mad" he says and I once again feel myself becoming putty in his hands. I hate that I make it so easy to bend my will but all I can think of at this moment is the feel of his mouth on my neck.
"Ginevra I don't wish to insult you but your manners leave a little something to be desired. If you are going to be in this world, especially at the Dark Lord's side then you must perform accordingly" Narsissa explains while I prepare my tea. This is the first of my "Classes" with her.
The word "perform" leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Like I am a show piece to be brought out for entertainment.
"Ginevra Are you even listening to me ?" She scolds clapping her hands to get my attention.
"Sorry, What ?" Narsissa sighs loudly and I wonder what transgression I have perpetrated now.
" Your Manners, Ginevra. The correct response is pardon me or excuse me."
"I'm sorry Mrs. Malfoy I have a lot on my mind and quite frankly I think all of this is is just nit picking at me" I say sipping my tea.
"Dear girl, This is not merely a way to please the Dark Lord. Yes, you will be highly revered because of your ... relationship with him. But don't you want to command respect on your own ?" I don't answer right away.
" I have learned long ago that I was judged a certain way because of my husband. I wanted my own reputation, I want respect because of who I am not who I am with. Don't you want that too ?"
I slowly stir my tea to let a little of the heat out while I contemplate her words.
"I never thought about it like that, Your right. I am sorry." I really mean it too.
" Thats OK Ginevra. It is very hard to be a women in this society. Its very easy to lose yourself in service to ...others" She says uncomfortably. I begin to wonder what compromises she has had to make because of her status.
" I don't want you to end up like me." She says quietly with a sad smile on her face. Its weird, she looks so vulnerable and I realize that this is a critical point in our relationship. Until right now I hadn't realized I even wanted her around me. I suppose its not the worst thing to have someone like her on my side.
"What do you mean, Mrs. Malfoy ?" I ask carefully. She brought it up but I don't want to overstep.
" Lets just say I've lost a bit of myself here. I am not going to lie to you, your needs will take a back seat to, well almost everything." She says sadly. I still don't really understand.
" I'm sorry Mrs. Malfoy. I'm not sure I understand."
" Ginny, May I call you Ginny in private ?"
"Oh yes please do." I respond knowing Tom will probably not let anyone call me Ginny in a formal setting.
" Ginny, I hope I am not preying here but Don't you want a husband and kids ?"
"I do very much so. Tom said that" She cuts me off before I can finish.
" I am not saying that you won't get all of that, I just want you to know that it will be complicated. Everything revolves around the Dark Lords wishes. Even when he was well, gone, Lucius centered our life around his goals." She pauses a moment for a sip of tea.
" Lucius and I were an arranged marriage. So I guess you can say I've never really been on my own but when I married him it was all about him. I wanted to go to university, he said no, I wanted a career, he said no, I wanted a house full of kids but he said no. Once we had Draco, he had his heir and that is all he wanted. I wanted a sibling for Draco, he made sure that didn't happen"
"Tom has said he would have kids with me."
" I'm sure he will. I just want you to be mindful of a women's roll in this world. I know you have a temper on you but it could get you into trouble if you aren't careful."
" What do you mean he made sure that didn't happen ?" I ask very carefully. I knew Lucius Malfoy was an ambitious evil bastard but I didn't think he would hurt his own family. She closes her eyes a moment and takes a few deep breaths. When she begins to speak again there are tears in her eyes.
" I shouldn't be bringing all of this up again but it's nice to have a woman to talk to. 4 years after I had Draco I found out I was pregnant again. I was so happy but Lucius was furious. He shot a spell at me and I immediately miscarried. The damage was permanent so the was no more risk of another accident."
I gasp at her words, how could he be so cruel to his wife and unborn child. "I'm so sorry, Forgive me I don't mean to overstep but Why did you stay?" I ask.
" Oh Ginny, you are so young. Nobody got divorced in those days besides, Nobody leaves a Malfoy. I also had Draco to think about. Lucius would have kept him."
" Thank you for the ... " warning, I think to myself but decide to go with "advice".
" I really do need someone on my side here."
" I'll do what I can for you Ginny." She says with a smile. She finishes her tea before getting up.
" Now" She says " lets go see what we need to renovate your new home" I smile excitedly and I know that this will be a fun afternoon. I must remember to thank Tom for setting this up, he will like that. If what Narcissa says is correct then I need to start playing the game. As the baby of the family I was always good at manipulating to get my way. Manipulating the worlds greatest manipulator will be a welcome challenge. Dangerous but welcome non the less. After all If I didn't like a little risk I wouldn't be here.