((A/N: I'm SO sorry for this year long wait. I suck :) But anyways! For future reference, I've noticed that my breaks tend to disappear when I upload... so from now on, _paragraph is the equivalent of a break in time. Anyways, to anyone reading this, thanks for sticking with me! The end is in sight, kind of. So... Thanks! Enjoy!))

_I sighed happily and relaxed back into my train seat, relieved to finally be going back to Hogwarts. My last few days at the Potters' were enjoyable, but it would be nice to be back in my dorm bed, not having to worry so much that Voldemort was going to pop out of some shadowy corner. That was probably just an effect of sleeping in my own room (I stoutly refused Sirius' proposal to sleep in the bed with me), and having Lily and even the other three girls in the dorm would hopefully be a comfort.

"So Artemis can use magic without her wand?" Remus repeated skeptically across from me, interrupting my lounging as he leaned forward, intrigued. "That's pretty impressive, you know. It takes a lot of focus to be able to do that. And no offense, but it's a little unbelievable when you look at your Charms scores."

I scowled. "Hey, I just work here. By that, I mean I have about as much idea about this as you do. All I know is I was just so... scared, you know? And determined to get these retards out of there alive." I turned my glared to Lily and James, who both grinned sheepishly. "I've been trying to do it again, too, but no luck. Which is why I had to go buy a new wand," I added, taking the new redwood wand out of my pocket. It wasn't as bad as I had expected. I guess I'd thought that my wand was the only one for me, but Sirius had been right: this new wand was probably just as good as my old one. At least it felt only slightly awkwardly different.

Remus looked at the window thoughtfully and stayed that way for some time. Eventually Lily and James went off for their duties as Head Boy and Girl, and Peter drifted off to sleep. The trip passed mostly in silence, until finally I was back in my dorm, sleepily curled under comforting warm blankets. If only I'd known how fleeting that comfort would be.

_A week passed and things fell back into their normal routine once again. James' and Lily's relationship continued to develop, as did mine and Sirius'. I continued to suck epically at Charms, improving slowly with my friends help. And we all froze our asses off as Quidditch practice resumed, regardless of the daily snow flurries.

But at the same time everything was different. As comforting and at home as I felt now that I was back at Hogwarts, it still struck me every now and then. My muscles still ached slightly when I traversed the stairs to class, a reminder of the torture I'd endured. I saw my brother every meal time and remembered how he'd braved my father and Lord Voldemort's wrath to save me. And every night before I went to bed, when I was safe in my bed with the curtains pulled and the other four girls snoring softly, I remembered that my mother was dead; that I wouldn't be getting any letters from her anymore; that I would never see her again and that she had died to save Apollo and I. And I cried. Recovery was a lot slower process than I'd thought. Honestly, I don't think that I could have survived that period if not for my friends.

Apollo and I were being forced to go to weekly counseling sessions with Professor Dumbledore (personally, I would have thought the man had better things to do that comfort a pair of traumatized teenagers), but what really helped most was the way that Lily kept me preoccupied with my schoolwork when she noticed my sad frown, always keeping a bright smile on her own face. And the way that the Marauders would play stupid, nonsensical pranks on people I'd grown to hate (i.e. Severus Snape, Patton Lexing, and April June). But my favorite was the way that Sirius, whenever he had the chance, would sit so close to me that I was surrounded by his warmth and his scent, his hand holding mine tightly as though he wouldn't even dream of letting go.

So for the most part, everything felt perfect.

Unfortunately, it wasn't. But I wouldn't notice that for a while.

It started the first week of January. We were walking down to the kitchens in the middle of the night, Sirius and I huddled together under the borrowed Invisibility Cloak.

"Where did you say James got this from again?" I whispered softly, not wanting my voice to be heard by some stray patrolling teacher or by Mr Filch. "These are incredibly rare, aren't they?"

Sirius shrugged. "He said it's been passed down in his family, so I guess he's parents gave it to him. Funny though, you would think the charm would wear off eventually."

"That's true... Maybe it's just very well made?"

"Even a well made one wouldn't usually last as long as this one has." Sirius paused to tickle the pear on the Kitchen's door. As the door swung forward and we ducked inside, Sirius continued, "But I supposed it doesn't really matter so long as it stays that way and no one sees you."

"Mm," I agreed, slipping from said cloak and making my way directly to a tray of proffered chocolate eclairs. "Hello, Tippy," I greeted the small house elf with a smile.

"Good evening, Miss Artemis," the house elf squeaked back delightedly, bouncing on his little toes. "Would Miss Artemis care for something to drink? A pumpkin juice or a butterbeer or some firewhiskey?"

"Firewhiskey!" Sirius exclaimed excitedly, ignoring my scowl as the house elves almost instantly offered him a glass of the stuff. "What? Just a little..."

"You're going to be an alcoholic, aren't you?" I said with a shake of my head as he downed the glass. "Merlin's beard, you don't need to drink it all at once!" He stuck his tongue out at me and took another glass and tried to put it in my hand.

"Come one, Artemis. Just one glass."

"Sirius we aren't old enough-"

"Just one. That's all."

"No," I growled. Sirius sighed and downed the second glass.

"Suit yourself," he muttered with a shudder. I rolled my eyes and turned back to Tippy.

"I'm okay with pumpkin juice please." Tippy bowed and ran off while I helped myself to another eclair. "You brought a bag, right, Sirius?" I turned back to him in time to see him with a glass in each hand and glared at him. "Sirius!" He smiled at me innocently then drank the rest of the glasses before I could stop him. "No more!" I snapped; the house elves jumped and looked between us. "Do not give him any more," I ordered.

Sirius sighed and rolled his eyes at me, throwing his empty book bag at me. "Fine, fine. The usual stuff, guys."

The bag wasn't empty for long. By the time it got back to me, it was crammed full of tarts, eclairs, cakes, and all other manner of treats. With a wave and a goodbye, Sirius and I tucked ourselves back under the cloak and started on our way back, Sirius still pouting about the alcohol.

"What do you have to drink for anyways?" I asked, glowering over my shoulder at him while we walked. He just smirked at me with that annoying habit of his: completely ignoring my totally valid question. I huffed and flipped him off, scowling when he took my hand. "Don't ignore me and then try to suck up," I warned.

He ignored me and continued to hold my hand. "Here's the real question: why don't you drink?"

I was asked this a lot, as it turned out. So I gave my usual answer: "Because we're underage, dumbass." He rolled his eyes at me, so I continued. "What? Some of us aren't arrogant bastards who think we're above laws. Right, Snuffles?"

"Ah. Right, I forgot that you're such a pretentious rule follower. Now what's the real reason?"

"That is the real reason."

"Artemis." He gave me a look that said very clearly that he knew there was more. Which there was; but I never told anyone any more than the simple, quite valid underage law. "Serious. What's the real reason?" I pouted and dropped his hand, which he of course took as confirmation that he was on to something big. "Scared? Is my little Ar a big chicken?" he asked, patting my head playfully.

"No..." I muttered stubbornly, looking away. "It's illegal," I stressed. He rose an eyebrow at my response and sighed.

"Fine, fine. I suppose I'll find out later anyways. Eventually, I'll get you to drink and you'll see the error of your ways regardless. Until then..." he threw his arm over my shoulder and breathed heavily in my face. His breath smelled like chocolate and alcohol. I elbowed him.

By now the portrait hole was in sight. The Fat Lady squinted down at us as we sauntered up. "Yes?" she asked, obviously pretty bored.

"Pumpkin spice," I stated. She nodded and acquiesced, swinging open and allowing us to go by.

"AHA!" Sirius and the bag were bowled over as James and Peter jumped on him and proceeded to drag him by the bag to the table where Lily and Remus were still seated. I started to follow when someone nearly bowled me over as said person (clearly on purpose) ran into me on their way out of the portrait hole. Turning to yell at them (because OW!), I saw that it was Melanie Jordan, staring back at me as she left, her brown eyes narrowed at me. With a nearly imperceptible jerk of the head, she was gone. I sighed. I really did not want to deal with her. Now or ever really. She clearly wanted me to follow.

I sat down at the chair next to Sirius. Melanie could go screw herself, I thought scathingly. If she thought trying to knock me to the ground and then glaring at me like it was my fault was a way to get her way, she was terribly wrong. Sirius handed me an eclair and continued his conversation with James and Lily, something about me being a giant prat for not wanting to drink.

"Sirius, two things," Lily stopped him. I shook my head a little and refocused on the conversation. "One: Ar is perfectly capable of making her own decisions, and just because she doesn't want to drink doesn't make her a prat. Two: Drinking underage is illegal."

I snorted and Sirius gaped at her. "See! Lily agrees with me!"

"Ah, well, I forgot that she's also a pretentious rule follower. James?"

"Er..." James trailed looking between his girlfriend and his best friend. Lily scowled at him and it was my turn to roll my eyes.

"Sirius," I intervened, trying to save James, "nothing you guys say is going to make me drink. Just get over it. Anyways, you probably just want me to get drunk so that you can have me, right?" I stuck my tongue out at him and he scowled. He didn't bother denying it, so I grinned in victory. "And there you have it. Just one more reason not to drink."

"Well, what's that supposed to mean?" Sirius pouted. I looked at him innocently. "Merlin," he turned back to James and Lily, "What kind of world is this, where your girlfriend doesn't want to have sex with you?" Lily's face changed instantly to match mine, and James flushed and looked up at the ceiling with a pout.

Clearly, Lily was being as difficult as I was.

"Sirius, life doesn't revolve around sex," I pointed out.

"Well, obviously, but still! Sex is... a statement of attraction, let's put it that way. People want to have sex with attractive people. Plus, sex is fun. It feels good, it's a good stress reliever, and everyone likes to have sex. Human beings like having sex."

"Well, I wouldn't know, as we've covered the fact that I'm a virgin multiple times. Also, being attractive isn't the only prerequisite. And anyways, shouldn't sex be more... I dunno, romantic? Special?" Sirius looked stumped, so I continued. "I mean, if I were a total slag, a tart who'd shagged Merlin knows how many people, could you honestly say that you would still want to have sex with me? If it were purely based on attraction, there's the possibility that could have happened. I'd be like... I dunno, like the coolest toy all the little kids have played with and slobbered all over and such. Isn't it better to have a new toy that's all yours, that you actually want to play with?"

I trailed off as Sirius burst out laughing. "Artemis, did you really just compared sex with children playing with their toys?" I sighed and folded my arms. This... was really starting to get annoying.

"You're head is thick as a brick, you know that? You completely missed my point!"

"Oh, I got it," he interrupted. "You're just as afraid of having sex as you are of drinking! What is it? What are you afraid of?"

I didn't know how to respond. I stared at him for a minute until James finally decided he should pay me back for saving him.

"It's okay, Pads! Lily won't shag me either!" Lily hit him, hard, in the shoulder and he whimpered. "Sorry, that didn't quite come out like it should have..." she hit him again before grabbing another fruit tart from the bag. "What I mean is... well, we just picked good. Artemis is kind of right. Sex... it's for pleasure, true. But I feel like... when we're finally done waiting, it will be even more special. Partly because we had to wait for it, and partly because we'll be doing it with someone we know enough to know that we truly love." He grinned as Lily huffed and took his arm.

Sirius looked at him thoughtfully, then shrugged. "Well, yeah okay. I get that. I mean, I'm not saying we should sleep with every person we think is attractive. I'm just saying that we've been dating for some time now, and I feel ready." He glanced at me and sighed. "But I suppose... if you don't..." I blushed and looked balefully at the bag on the table. The six of us sat in awkward quiet for a couple minutes before anyone said anything.

"Er, why is Melanie staring at us?"

It took a few seconds for us to register what Peter asked, then Sirius and I both snorted at once while Lily and James both looked around at said brunette.

"Who cares?" I said, pushing the anger back out of my head.

"She's looks furious..." Lily pointed out. "I hope everything is alright." I don't, I thought bitterly, though I kept my thoughts to myself. Sirius seemed to feel the same way. With a pointed look at Melanie, he pulled my chair closer to his so that he could pulled me to him.

"She's just jealous," he informed Lily with a smirk. "She wants to shag me."

I punched him.

_Sirius sat cross legged on his bed, looking thoughtfully at the magazine is his hand. He sighed, a small sound James obviously heard from his own bed.

"What's up, mate?"

"Mm? Just thinking about our conversation earlier..." Sirius tossed the magazine to the ground. "Do you really think it's... okay? I mean, to put off having sex like she keeps doing? It's just... it's driving me wonky."

James smiled and sat back against his pillow. "Sure. You know Ar. When she's not all wound up, she's extremely cautious. It's not that she doesn't want to. You're right, you know. She's... afraid. She just doesn't want to have you be her first and then have you walk out on her."

"How do you know?" Sirius asked worriedly. Ar never talked to him about that stuff: things she was afraid of, things she wanted to hide from the world. "Does she... does she talk to you about things like that?"

"No. It's not really anything she says, mate. Body language! You can tell if you're watching you two from the outside." James beamed at his best friend. "She bloody glows when you two kiss. She pulls herself closer and wraps herself around you. But the second you try to touch her, try to get her worked up, her face changes. She hides it well, but I always see it: fear. She wants it, probably just as bad as you, but... well, she's just afraid."

Sirius sighed. "Great. How do you fix that, do you think? I can't just say, 'sh, it'll be alright,' and go for it if she doesn't want to. Anyways, if I tried that she'd probably just hex me into oblivion." James just shrugged.

"Mate, if I knew, Lily and I would be doing it too. I guess until we figure it out... it's blue balls for us!" he said happily. Sirius marveled at the enormous smile on his best mate's face. James really loved Lily, enough to wait for her to be ready. But did Sirius love Artemis? Enough to let her put him through this torture until she was finally ready to give herself to him?

Sirius wasn't sure. But he knew that he was enjoying this: this being her boyfriend, being around her as much as he could, kissing her, holding her hand, and the feeling that he got whenever he was doing these things. Happiness. Love, maybe? Was that really what it was?

Well, until I figure it out... it's blue balls for me, he thought with a scowl.

The next morning, Sirius was sitting at the Gryffindor table by himself, still thinking on the matter. How was he supposed to tell? No one had ever given him a solid definition of love. Honestly, he hadn't ever given any thought to the matter. None of his previous girlfriends had ever caused him to consider it; they all assumed that that's what it was, but Sirius knew that it never was. But now, he was just confused.

Why did love have to be so... complicated? he asked himself with a frown at his cereal. Ar chose this moment to sit down next to him, unusually far. This struck Sirius as ominous, even more so when she turned to look at him with a grim expression. Without even meaning to, he braced himself emotionally.

That was the expression he typically gave girls when he was about to dump them.

Artemis swallowed. "Sirius..." And his brain kicked into overdrive, trying to think of reasons she would dump him, how he should react, how he could stop her from saying it was over. "I'm sorry..." she continued, oblivious of the river of thoughts now streaming though his head at breakneck speed. "I'm so sorry." The sex, that had to be the reason, Sirius concluded. That was why she had never had a boyfriend for very long: they'd always pressured her to have sex with them. He was fucked. Wasn't that exactly what he had been doing last night? If not for a while now? "It's not you, really. It's me."

Sirius was ashamed to admit it: he panicked.

"No! I'm sorry! I'm so, so, so sorry! I don't think I've ever been more sorry in my life!" Sirius took Ar's two small hands in his own bigger ones and looked into Artemis' surprised face. Suddenly, that was all he saw: this small woman, her surprised face, her entire being.

James was right: she was the most important thing. And he could wait.

"You're the most important thing in my life right now, and I shouldn't be pressuring you like I was. I'm an idiot, the biggest, but I don't want to lose you! So please, just don't break up with me..." He trailed off as she pulled one of her hands from his and smacked him.

"Merlin, Sirius!" she snapped. "I'm trying to tell you something important, you bloody idiot! I don't want to break up with you! Not now, maybe not ever. I was just trying to say that I'm sorry, because I keep hurting you by saying I don't want to sleep with you. The truth is, I am scared. I'm terrified. Of all of it. I've been so confused about how I felt about you and how far and fast I should be willing to go with you and I know you're ready to go farther and that scares me too. Because I'm not ready, I'm not, and I don't know how to tell you that in a way that you'll understand. Does that make sense?" She paused and looked at Sirius.

Sirius burst out laughing and pulled her to him for a hug. "Artemis," he started, trying to rein in the joy and relief and surprise so that he could say something to comfort her and stop the tears that were welling in her eyes from spilling over. "Did you hear what I just said? You're the most important thing to me right now, and if you aren't ready to do something, if you're scared, you should just tell me!" Sirius smiled and leaned back to look at her again. "Waiting... it won't kill me. We're both confused... but we'll work it out together, and when we reach that point in our relationship, I suppose we'll both know it. Okay?"

Artemis sniffed and nodded, wiping her unshed tears on the sleeves of her cloak. But as she did, her sleeves drifted back towards her elbows and Sirius couldn't help but notice the bandages on her right hand. Again. It was hard but he bit back the question and pushed a bowl of her favorite cereal in front of her.

One step at a time, he told himself. For now, he was content in the knowledge that they were still together, still happy, still heading in a good direction. And she was confiding in him somewhat. It would only be a matter of time.

_"Gaunt!"

I groaned, finally cornered after avoiding Melanie for the rest of the week. Because of course I was the only one of my friends who would dream of visiting the Library on a Saturday, of all days! The corridor was quite deserted with the exception of myself and Melanie, much to my displeasure. The brunette came to a halt in front of me, a scowl on her face, eyes glowing and narrowed menacingly.

"Gaunt!" she repeated angrily, flipping her hair vainly and putting her hands on her hips. "You've been avoiding me!"

"Does that really surprise you?" I asked dully, putting my own hands in pocket and grasping my wand tightly. Habit... "I mean, you are an angry self-obsessed bitch."

She gritted her teeth and her expression darkened. "Hm. Well, I think you know what this is about." My stomach clenched. I think I did too. "It's time."

Don't hex her, I demanded of myself. "Time for what? You to get over yourself? I most certainly agree."

"Dump him."

And there it was. The statement that I had been waiting for since she'd started stalking me instead of Sirius. The second half of my task if I wanted to avoid having my "deepest, darkest secrets" spread throughout Hogwarts. The part where I destroyed Sirius after having worked so hard to get him to love me. Though that had been a lot easier that I'd expected.

Guess when you really feel that way, it's not such a difficult thing to do after all.

"I don't think so," I replied. I turned and started to walk away.

"Uh, what?"

A spark of irritation; I forced my hand to let go of my wand and retreat from my pocket. "I said, 'I don't think so.' And by that I mean, no." I took another step before I felt something poke the back of my head. I turned around slowly to look cross-eyed at Melanie's wand, directly pointed at my face. "You don't want to do that, love," I warned in a deadly quiet voice.

"But you have to," she argued, ignoring the threat in my tone. "I'll tell everyone everything. I'll destroy you, Artemis Gaunt."

"You know what, Melanie," I said, frowning and knocking her wand aside, "even if I do, even if I dump him, he's not going to take you back. He won't love you. He never did. All you're doing is hurting yourself, hurting all of us. Why don't you just move on? There's got to be someone out there who might love a selfish bitch like you." I shook my head at her, trying to push back the anger; I had a feeling Voldemort was fighting me, but I wasn't going to let it win. Anyways, she was pretty pathetic.

I turned and started walking away again, slipping my hands back into my pockets while I let her boil.

"Last chance, Gaunt. Dump him, or face the consequences."

I couldn't help it. But I won.

Melanie and her new black eye could go fuck themselves.