((A/N: Again, I don't own Harry Potter. Welcome to chapter 28, I hope you enjoy!))

Lily sat there in the silence that followed James' exit. Feeling the regret. The guilt for putting him in a position where he might have to choose between Lily and Sirius. The anger at Artemis for putting them all in this awful place. The room was nice, but it was hardly worth the price that both of them were going to pay for it.

But it was too late for this regret now, Lily realized. She'd made her choice to stick by Artemis; the look on Artemis' face when Sirius had told her it was over and left her sitting by herself at the table felt like proof enough. Even if Melanie had been the cause of their joining, had been what brought Artemis and Sirius together, Artemis had wanted it. She'd loved him, even if she'd never admitted it to anyone. It showed in her eyes: crushing defeat. Sorrow threatening to overwhelm her. Tears ready to gather in her eyes. At least before she'd lost her head and attacked Melanie.

So Artemis made a mistake, Lily thought with a new resolution. So did everyone: they were human after all. This could be fixed. Probably.

Lily knocked on the bathroom door. "Artemis?" she called. "The ice cream is here!"

There was no response. Lily frowned and knocked harder.

"Artemis!" When there was still no response, fear blossomed in Lily's stomach. She pushed the door open and it took a moment to locate Artemis in the room.

At the bottom of the tub. Bubbles rose from her mouth and her eyes were shut. Her hands were gripping the edge, as if she were holding herself down.

Lily panicked. For a second she almost screamed, froze. And then she moved: rushing forward, she grabbed Artemis' hand, prying it from the side and pulling the girl up and out of the water. Lily wasn't even sure how she managed to drag her from the bath, collapsing next to her and breathing heavily. Artemis, however, didn't breathe for a second; and then she burst into a fit of coughing. curling up and bursting into tears. Lily pulled her close, letting Artemis fold into her, tears coming to her own eyes. They stayed like that for some time, holding each other close and crying.

Finally Artemis was quiet and still. For a second, Lily thought that she had fallen asleep like that; but then she whispered something.

"What?" Lily asked softly, looking down at Artemis' sopping black mat of hair. She suddenly realized how awkward the situation was, and yet it didn't really feel like it.

"I'm sorry..."

Lily frowned but quickly replaced that with a plastic smile that she knew Artemis would see through immediately. "It's ok. Come on, let's get some dry clothes, hm? And then we can just relax and eat ice cream." Artemis nodded, but Lily knew that she wasn't satisfied.

_Lily gazed at me expectantly over her bowl of ice cream, waiting for answers to the questions that she didn't need to bother asking. And after what had happened, it didn't feel right now, denying her anything. There was certainly no denying the fact that she had saved my life.

"I'm sorry..." I said again, putting my own bowl down on the table. It was the only thing that I could think of to say at the moment. How do you just explain away the fact that you apparently just tried to kill yourself? There wasn't really a good way. So we sat in silence for a few more minutes, with me wondering what to say. Finally, I managed, "I didn't mean to." It sounded so trivial, so stupid. But it was true. And I wanted to blame it on Voldemort: insist that his connection to me had forced me under. But maybe that wasn't entirely true. I pursed my lips. "I guess... it all just... came on me at once. Some of it was the anger... and that connection... I wasn't going to hold myself down; I was just going to go under. But then he told me to end it; that there wasn't a reason for me to come back up." Lily frowned.

"You-Know-Who?" I nodded slowly. "And what? You believed him?"

"I don't know," I muttered, looking down at my feet. "Maybe a little. I guess I just thought about all the people whose lives I'm just... fucking up right now. Thought maybe they'd be better off. So... I just didn't fight it."

A second later, Lily was standing over me and my cheek was stinging from her slap. I looked up at her in angry confusion, but she looked pretty livid herself.

"You're so stupid! How could you think that? That we'd be better off? Did you think that would make anyone happy, if you killed yourself for something stupid like that!" She huffed loudly. "Do you think I'd be ok with that? Yes, maybe you are causing troubles for people, but that's life! Maybe you hurt people with this stupid... whatever! But that doesn't mean that you can just off yourself and leave the rest of us here. We'll still be hurting, and that will just make it worse! It's selfish! And it's so stupid!"

"You and James were arguing about me," I interjected softly. She paused and her gaze softened. For a second, I thought she might deny it; but then she nodded curtly with a pout.

"Yes. James is... confused. And upset at you for completely valid reasons. And upset at me for taking your side, in a manner of speaking. That one still needs to be explained before I fully support either way, but we can talk about that one later. By taking sides, I'm forcing James to take sides too. And that makes him angry. But just because we were arguing doesn't mean that either of us wants you to die. Besides, we have to argue every once in a while. Because we're us." She tilted her head and glared at me, seating back in her chair with an angry scowl. "But I swear, if you ever just give in when he tries to get you to kill yourself again, I'll kill you."

I stared at her, picked up my ice cream again. Lily continued to glare while she ate her own. Was she really on my side? I thought, amazed. Did she have that much faith in me? Or was I just that pathetic that her feminine instinct kicked in? It was hard to say. And my reasons for everything that had happened probably would make her decision. That fear that I could lose my only friend prickled across my skin again.

I closed my eyes and drew a deep breath. Opened them and looked at Lily determinedly. Her scowl had faded, just a frown now while she waited for me to speak.

"I swore off boys," I started, putting my ice cream back on the table again. It was melting. "You remember? All most guys want from a girl is sex. Or that's how it always feels. I swore off boys, and I told her she couldn't win Sirius back." Lily looked at me quizzically, but didn't interrupt. "She couldn't. And she can't. She's not what he wants. And I told her so. She didn't take that very well. You know Jordan. She made me look like a crazy bitch for telling Lexing I didn't want to go out with him. Leading to Slughorn's party and Sirius' prank and all. You remember all that?" Lily nodded, her frown now one of focus rather than one of anger. "I don't know when it started, Lils. I don't know when I started to like him. But everything I felt this whole time was real. She blackmailed me, you know. She blackmailed me into it, but I... sometimes I think it would have happened anyways, just not in the same way. You must have noticed: it got awful in the beginning. Every slight was so... personal. But..." I hesitated, then continued anyways; there was no real use in hiding it anyways. "I kissed him. When he told me I was back on Quidditch at the beginning of the year. Before Melanie even came up with the idea. Before first Hogsmeade. Before I even knew how I felt. Maybe I was just that happy; but I kissed him. And then Melanie came up with this stupid plan. She told me she'd tell everyone every bad thing she knew about me if I didn't agree to help her with it. She wanted me to get him to fall in love with me. And then dump him. Crush him. He was supposed to be so distraught that he would come back to her." Lily was gaping at me now, so I paused and took a melty bite of ice cream.

"So Sirius was supposed to be so upset about the whole thing that he crawled back to her?" Lily repeated. I nodded. She snorted, obviously finding the entire idea as absurd as I had. "So all you had to do was play the cruel heartless bitch who played the bigger prank."

"Yeah."

"So what happened?"

"I wouldn't break up with him."

We were silent for a minute, looking at each other. "So she did the only thing she could think of to make him break up with you." It wasn't a question, but I nodded anyways.

"I was happy, Lils. I had him. And I had you and James and the other Marauders, and I was happy. And I really can't tell when it happened. When I stopped hating him and started... liking him. I mean, the physical attraction was always there. Like on the Express coming here at the beginning of the year. When he stole my shirt after Quidditch practice. When he fell asleep on top of me after the first Quidditch game. But actually liking him. Wanting to be around him. I don't know when it happened. But it did. Isn't that what matters?"

I sounded like I was trying to convince myself. But Lily nodded.

"Yes. Maybe you did start dating him because of her. But you stayed and refused to leave when she told you to. That's what counts."

I smiled and breathed a sigh of relief. It felt as though I'd been absolved. Like something had been fixed. Lily deflated that bubble real quick.

"You know you're going to have to tell this to other people right? And not everyone may agree that you didn't do anything wrong. I can understand. James probably will too, but he's in an awkward position, along with the rest of the guys. Melanie's probably going to make this as hard as possible for you."

I sighed. "Yeah. I know."

"It will be okay."

I looked up at her in surprise. She sounded so absolutely positive. Her green eyes showed no sign of doubt. Certainly more than I could say for myself.

"Thank you, Lily."

"That's what friends are for," she replied with a sad smile, and scooped me more chocolate ice cream.

_Leaving the room was awful. Everyone stared at me cautiously as I walked down the corridor a few steps behind Hagrid. Clearly, anyone who had not been in the Great Hall at the time Melanie had destroyed my life had been told the story. Probably exaggerated tenfold. I wasn't sure if the stares were because of what Melanie had said about me or because of what I'd done to Melanie afterward. Fortunately, I had yet to see Melanie since then, or Sirius either. I dreaded the moment that I would; probably at lunch.

But for now, I was completely all right with spending my first day of suspension in a heavy coat and fuzzy boots, heading with Hagrid outside to take care of some business in the forest. Something about Professor Slughorn needing some particular ingredient for a potion. Hagrid seemed pretty chipper as we exited the castle; I wish that I could have felt the same way. The fresh air was nice, but I would have traded anything to make that anger and sorrow go away, to be sitting in Charms with Sirius laughing while I failed at my feeble charms.

It was a menial task that took hours. What Professor Slughorn needed was a rare mushroom that only grew about two miles into the forest; we took about half an hour to walk there, Hagrid taking wide steps over logs and icy slicks that I tripped and slipped on. And then we took about an hour to find the first one: Hagrid couldn't explain what he was looking for to me, so we didn't realize we'd found one until I'd stepped on it. And then we had to find thirty of the things: enough for one of his second year classes to use. I actually managed to stop fuming and being bitter for a while at the end; the crisp winter air and the snow crunching underfoot, coupled with the sight of the trees covered in frost and the squirrels that poked their heads from the high nests in curiosity at our noise, finally got through my hard wall. I managed a small smile as Hagrid tucked the final mushroom into the bag. And then we started back. It was almost dinner time by the time we got back.

And that was when I made my first mistake: I went to dinner with Lily. Forgetting the awkward stares. Forgetting the anger. Forgetting that all my closest friends hated me.

And it all crashed into me like I'd just run into the wall I thought I'd gotten through. From the second that I walked into the Great Hall, the stares started. As I sat down with Lily near the door, the whispers started. And even though most of the meal I distracted myself talking to Lily and taking slow, forced bites of my vegetables, when I looked up, he was there. Not near me. Nowhere close. But I could hear James' voice, Remus' laughter, and when I looked, Sirius was sitting there too, as he had to have been. He was frowning, looking as though he were thinking and not focusing on what James was saying. His hair was wet from a shower, and he was resting his head on his chin. Nodding occasionally. And not once did he glance in my direction.

I felt my face turning red, felt myself whirling into the red vortex of fury. My hand clenched on my fork, halfway to my mouth, and I forced my gaze back to Lily. She took one glance to where I'd been looking and sighed.

"Do you want to-"

"You aren't done eating yet," I interrupted. "I'm not going to make you stop eating just because I don't want to be down here anymore." My tone was so harsh that she just nodded and took another bite of her mashed potatoes. But she still pushed them away before they were gone. James' laughter was ringing in my ears. It sounded so... fake. And it probably was.

I followed Lily from the Great Hall with a scowl. "I'm-"

"Don't apologize," Lily snapped, glancing back at me with an identical look. "I get it. I really do. Anyways, James' awful attempts at happiness were pissing me off." She didn't say another word until we got back to the room. I just sighed.

"Okay. But I'm still sorry," I repeated. She huffed and shook her head at me, telling me that she was going to take a bath and not to leave.

The next day was the same. I helped Professor McGonagall sort a bunch of paperwork and then some old assignments that I swear had to be about twenty years old. The pages were brittle and when the first one tore when I handled it just slightly too rough she scolded me loudly. Lily escorted me to lunch and dinner, but that turned out the same way too: we would get there, sit down, eat about half a meal, and then I would see the Marauders trying to be cheerful. And we would leave. I got into a habit of laying on the couch while Lily was gone, staring up at the ceiling as if in a trance, frowning and letting the anger seethe. I couldn't sleep anymore either; Voldemort was in my dreams, and Sirius too, and they were both laughing at me. Telling me how I'd screwed up. How I truly was a Slytherin. How I deserved this misery.

How I deserved to be alone.

And then I started to realize: maybe I was better off alone anyways. Maybe we all would be better off alone. We would stop hurting each other that way. And if I really were the worst of them, like my probably-not-dream Voldemort kept telling me, then maybe I should just stay alone.

Three days after my suspension began, Lily entered my jail and tried to push me off the couch. I scowled at her.

"What the bloody hell are you doing?" I asked her curiously. She sighed and gave me another shove.

"Quidditch practice is in twenty minutes! You need to get ready!" I stared at her for a second, unsure if this was a trick, and then slowly sat up. Seeming to read my suspicion, she frowned. "James decided to give it a chance since you guys are so close to your next match. But... don't get your hopes up too high; he didn't seem to be expecting much."

I smiled. That was more expected. And made more sense, seeing how obvious that James was upset at me as well (though definitely not nearly as much so as Sirius). "Lils, even being given the chance was more than I expected. How could I really expect much more?" I stood and went towards the bedroom, pretending not to notice Lily's look of pity.

_Sirius growled and grumbled to himself. James was standing beside him, giving him a concerned stare.

"So tell me again how you let Lily talk you into this?" Sirius said quietly, finally managing to give his anger some words. James' frown got more pronounced.

"She reminded me of the stuff that happened the last time she got banned from Quidditch. And also begged with those beautiful green eyes of hers. And made some pretty valid points. We need her to play."

"I'm not coming to practice," Sirius interrupted, shaking his shaggy head. "I won't do it. James, we already talked about what I want to do to her," he gave his best friend a very pointed look. "You can't ask me to play Quidditch alongside her."

James kept frowning, but a touch of pity could be seen in his eyes. "So it's you or her?" he asked quietly, almost as quietly as Sirius. A pang of guilt at the burden he was putting on his best friend. Sirius frowned and looked away quickly before James tried puppy-dog-eyeing him. So James just sighed instead. "Well, I guess that's the story of my life. Look, Sirius, just think about it. Think about the cup. You don't have to talk to her. You don't have to look at her. You can pretend she doesn't exist if you like; it's what you do the rest of the time anyways. All I'm asking is that you... just try to deal with her for a few hours during practice and games." James shook his head and looked at Lily's red head as she entered the portrait hole and located him in the crowd. And he strode off towards his girlfriend, leaving Sirius very much alone.

So Sirius thought; and he made a decision that he thought he could make himself live with. And so half an hour later Lily left and Sirius and James went down to the frozen Quidditch field together. They dressed in silence, with James still casting Sirius those worried looks. Finally, he spoke.

"Sirius, what are you going to do?" It was a tone full of suspicion. Sirius glared at James but James ignored that. "You're acting like you always used to, when you knew that whatever you were going to do I wasn't going to like it." Sirius didn't deny it. James' look darkened. "Look, Sirius, whatever it is you're planning, just don't..." he trailed off as if he weren't sure what he wanted to forbid Sirius from doing. Then he sighed and closed his eyes with a small grin. "Just don't hurt her too bad."

Sirius smirked at James' vindictive side. He may not show it, but James was also angry at Artemis' betrayal, albeit not nearly so much as Sirius. "James, I'm going to break her."

James either didn't hear him or didn't acknowledge him. Wordlessly, he walked from the locker room with Sirius right behind him. Gradually, the other members of the team gathered around them, clutching their broomsticks and shivering. Artemis was the last one to get there, with Lily by her side. Sirius looked away from her before she could make eye contact as the anger refilled him anew.

"All right, team, I know it's been a while since our last practice. I think we'll start out with some catch to warm up. After that, we'll bring out the other balls and go from there. It's a pretty clear day, so let's make good use of it." The team all nodded and Terry went to get the Quaffle. "Sirius, Artemis, a word?"

James led the two of them across the field, out of earshot of the other four and Lily. Sirius folded his arms and looked at James expectantly.

"All right, you two. We've got... a lot of issues going on here. Our little group has a lot of tension right now, and I'm not going to sit here and pretend like any of these can be resolved now, maybe even ever." James paused, looking between the two of them cautiously with a neutral expression. "I'm not even going to ask you two to try. What I want to know is: can you two work together right now, while we're playing Quidditch? Can we Catchers still work as a team, or is it too much to ask?" He paused, but not long enough for either to answer. "We all know we won't get the cup if we can't work together. And we won't get it if I have to replace either of you. I want this, and I know you two do too. So all I want is for you two to just deal with each other during practice and games. That's it. And if you can't, I need to know now."

This time, James actually did go silent, waiting for a response. It was a long minute. Sirius took a slow breath through his nose.

"I can deal with it. I do want it, you know. The cup. So I can deal with it... if Sirius can," Artemis said quietly. James gave her a curt nod; Sirius didn't even glance at her. He felt them both look at him expectantly. Sirius swallowed, suddenly feeling nervous about his decision.

"I... can. But I have a few conditions. I'm not going to look at her or talk to her unless I have to for the game. And I don't want her to look at me, talk around me, make a sound around me. I don't want her to exist." Sirius could almost sense her gaze drop instantly to the ground. A small gasp that sounded more like a sniffle. The shuffle of her sneakers on the snow. And then nothing. James stared at him for a second, then looked back at Artemis.

"Artemis?"

No response. At least no audible one. Sirius assumed she nodded because James nodded too. "Well then, I guess we should-"

"One more thing," Sirius interrupted, glancing at James and then looking at Artemis beside him. She was staring at her feet, her black hair pulled back into a ponytail (when had it gotten long enough to do that?) and her jacket pulled tight around her. "Artemis." Her eyes darted upward in response, the ice blue meeting his grey, and he punched her in the face.

Shock kept all of three of them still for a moment. Sirius flexed his hand; he'd hit her harder than he'd really meant to. Some of the anger had seeped through. He thought maybe he'd broken her, for real. It took all he had to stop himself from checking that she was all right. She had staggered backward and almost fallen in the snow. Her face was hidden as she brought up a hand to hold the area around her left eye, eyes returned to her feet. James gaped at the pair of them for a minute.

Finally, James jerked out of his trance. "Dammit, Sirius! Too much!" He took a step towards Artemis, but she shook her head. Her eyes were full of tears when they quickly met his and flitted back to the ground; Sirius couldn't tell if those tears were from pain or from sadness. But the soft steel that shown there reassured him. The only thing really hurt here was her pride.

Sirius looked away again as she grabbed Lily's sleeve as the redhead ran up yelling something about uncalled for. Sirius snorted; Artemis said nothing, but Lily stopped yelling.

"Lily, can you take her to the hospital wing? Artemis, move your hand."

"Can we just fucking practice?" came a small whisper, so small that Sirius hardly heard it.

"Artemis, move your hand," James repeated sternly. There was a sigh and a gasp. "Dammit, Sirius!" James repeated. "Look what you did!"

Sirius didn't. He didn't want to. He knew he would feel guilty.

"Artemis-" Lily cut off abruptly. A minute later, there was a soft whoosh as Artemis took off on her broomstick. Terry had found the Quaffle, and Artemis joined the game of catch without looking back. No longer having Artemis to badger, Lily turned on him with the Look. "Sirius!" she hissed. "I realize you're angry, and you have every right to be, but that doesn't mean that you can beat her face in!" She huffed and drew herself up. "I swear, if you touch her again, you'll be the next one suspended." Without another word, she turned and stalked off, winter cloak billowing behind her.

James watched her go, then turned to Sirius. "Dammit, Sirius!" he said for the third time, but Sirius wasn't in the mood. Mounting his broomstick, he went off to join the game too, ignoring Artemis completely.

_Madame Pomfrey tittered at me disapprovingly. It was obvious to anyone who looked at me that I'd been punched full in the face, so when she asked I just stared at her.

"Perhaps I should rephrase my question: who hit you?"

Lily opened her mouth to answer, but I silenced her with a Look. "Does it matter, Madame? Honestly, I wouldn't have even come up here if Lily hadn't made me. I don't want you to heal it."

Lily snorted and Madame Pomfrey raised an eyebrow skeptically. I sighed.

"Well, I would say that... except I think he actually might have broken bone." I paused as she nodded slowly, continuing her assessment of my face, specifically my left eye and cheekbone. "I don't want any trouble. Frankly, I can't afford any. But I... I think I just need to bear this one. Though I wouldn't complain much if you healed the worst of it."

She nodded again and pulled out her wand. "I suppose if that's what you really want dear. But it is going to bruise something awful, and probably swell too. Are you sure-"

"Yes," I replied stubbornly. With a scowl, she muttered something under her breath, and most of the pain in my eye and cheek went away. Still mumbling to herself, she went across the room to where she stored medicinal potions. I prodded the left side of my face, both pleased and dismayed to feel the pain of what was already darkening into a bruise. This was my punishment, I thought, letting my hand fall back to the bed I was sitting on. Part of the punishment. Possibly the first step to moving on.

Madame Pomfrey returned with a small jar, which she handed to a scowling Lily. "A salve for both the pain and the bruising. It will make it heal faster, at least, though it's up to her if she uses it. I can't force her." I rolled my eyes, but thankfully she didn't see. "Come back if it swells your eye shut, or if the pain is too much." I nodded and jumped of the end of the bed, following Lily out the door and down the corridor. When we were alone she turned back to me.

"You don't have to take that," she said bluntly, clearly not wanting to beat around the bush. "I know you feel bad about what's happened, and you feel like maybe this makes it better, but it won't. And you don't have to take it."

I scowled at the annoyance that sparked, and at the sorrow and sadness and fury that had filled me when I'd met Sirius' eyes. At the way that I grew short of breath for that second before he hit me. At the tears that had filled my eyes afterward. My own sadness and misery made me angry, and that just made me feel worse. It felt like I was trapped in a box of my own emotions. And Sirius probably felt pretty similar, right? Maybe he needed to see this bruise more than I needed to.

"Lily, how can there be so many reasons to do something so small and stupid?" The question threw her for a loop, and maybe I didn't know what I meant either. So I shrugged in response to my own question, and muttered, "Never mind. Shall we go eat?"

Still looking confused, Lily acquiesced.

I ate even less than usual, though; the stares were more than before, presumably due to the bruise I'd yet to actually see blossoming across my face. I was careful not to look in the direction of the Marauders; I was learning. But I still wasn't hungry. Lily frowned through her mashed potatoes.

"Does it hurt?" she asked with concern. I shook my head and she looked at me disbelievingly.

"A little," I admitted. "But it could be worse. I'm just not very hungry." Lily nodded and pushed her plate away. A pang of guilt in my stomach; Lily was still suffering for me. She and James seemed to have made up, or at least agreed to disagree on the situation. But Lily was eating about as much as me, and she couldn't be happy, having to escort me everywhere. I pursed my lips as we left, debating this problem.

Back in our room, Lily yawned and went to shower. I lay in my bed and stared at the canopy, drifting into a miserable, dream filled sleep.

The next morning, I decided against breakfast. Lily looked at me suspiciously from behind me in the mirror as I examined my now purple and black eye. It was pretty awful: the swelling around my eye was... let's suffice to say a lot. He'd hit me pretty hard. Watching me brush gently across my darkened skin, Lily's gaze softened. She left.

I didn't get tasked that day, so I spent most of the day laying either in my bed or on the couch, staring up and thinking. About Sirius, and about James and Lily. About my family, my brother. About myself. My mind was racing. When Lily came back to retrieve me for lunch, I shook my head again.

"But-"

"Go eat, Lils. I'm just not hungry." So she sighed and scowled at me, but left. Twenty minutes later, a small house elf came in with a tray of pasta, soup, and a goblet of pumpkin juice. I tried to eat it; I was sure that Lily had sent the house elf, and I would have felt bad not eating it. But my appetite was nonexistent. I managed the soup, and drank the pumpkin juice. And then showered and returned to the couch.

Dinner was the same. And Lily was starting to look unhappy with the arrangement. I insisted that I wasn't hungry, and that if she was that worried about it, she could send up another tray. But I was tired of getting stared at. And I didn't want to burden her anymore. And I didn't want to see Sirius again.

The next day was very similar, though I did spend most of the day cleaning for Filch: most of the bathrooms got scrubbed, and I scrubbed myself for about an hour afterwards. But with that exception, I didn't leave the suite, and I only managed to stomach a waffle for breakfast, a turkey sandwich for lunch, and another bowl of soup for dinner.

Lily was quickly getting frustrated by this turn of events. After I pushed away the rest of the food on the tray at dinner, she looked grimly at me.

"I'm not hungry, Lils." She rose a skeptical eyebrow. "I'm not! I'm not trying to starve myself, I don't want to die. I'm just... not hungry."

"Yes, well, if you don't eat, you will die," she insisted, pushing the tray back at me for me to push it away again. "You have to eat!"

"I did. I had soup!"

"That's not enough. You need to eat a real meal!" I made no move to retake the food. She sighed and grimaced at me. "Are you just going to live on this couch now? You have to leave the room sometime."

"I did: I cleaned all day! Plus I think I have counseling with Slughorn tomorrow. Joy." No change in expression, so I changed tactics. "Lils, look, I know you care, all right. I'm not trying to starve, I promise. I'll try to eat more. If that will make you feel better."

"It would make me feel better if you would just come eat with me." I frowned and shook my head. "Why not?"

"I already told you, Lily: I don't want to keep being a burden on you, making you leave before you're done eating because I can't be trusted to go places by myself. And anyways, all the staring is just pissing me off, especially with this bruise."

"But it's looking better already! And anyways, you'll have to cope with it all at some point. you can't just hide up here forever. Apollo's even getting worried. He came and asked me about you today." I frowned at that. What would he do if he didn't see me for a while? He wouldn't make good on any stupid threats to Sirius, would he?

"I'll talk to him... but I... I just don't want to go down there, Lils. Can't you understand?"

After a few days of this, Lily finally gave up asking if I wanted to go eat. And then I just didn't eat at all, though the meals kept being delivered. I was hungry... but I had no appetite. I wanted to eat; but everything I was brought just didn't appeal to my body. I spent my days helping the teachers, and my nights laying on the couch wishing I could eat, could sleep. Quidditch practice was the only light in my darkness, partly because that seemed like the only time I existed. Especially to Sirius. That was the only time that he would look at me, the only time that I heard him speak. Even if he passed the Quaffle a little harder than usual and seemed to be aiming for my already bruised face.

A week of my suspension had passed, almost in a dull blur. It was Saturday, the middle of the night, and I lay on the couch like always when I was pelted with a banana. Lily scowled at me from the door, fully clothed for a night of Head Girl duties.

"Eat that!" she snapped. I grimaced at her anger and sat up to get a better look at her.

"Lily..."

"I'm going to be gone until morning, and I swear, if you haven't eaten that banana by the time I get back, I'm going to throttle you." Without another word, she turned and slammed the door shut behind her.

I took a slow breath and looked down at the yellow fruit in my lap. Then collapsed back onto the cushions. I'd eat it eventually. Probably, I told myself. If not, the window was always an option (for the banana, of course). Staring up at the ceiling, I tried to remember the last time I laughed. Or was happy. Closing my eyes, I tried to picture Sirius' smile. Tried to stop feeling horrible for ruining that.

The door opened and my eyes snapped open. "Lily? Did you forget something?" I asked, surprised. Lily rarely forgot anything.

"I doubt it," the answer came, but it certainly wasn't Lily. I closed my eyes again, almost hoping that I'd drifted off to sleep. A confrontation was the last thing I wanted right now.

James clearly didn't agree as he came around the couch and stopped next to my head, looking down at me balefully.

"You look awful."

I opened my eyes to glare at him. "Oh, why thank you, James, it's lovely to see you too. If you're looking for Lily, she just left."

James almost smirked, but ended up just tilting his head at me. Ignoring my sarcasm, he moved to the other end of the couch and nudged my feet until I pulled them up and he could sit. "Lily says you haven't been eating. Or sleeping."

I pursed my lips and scowled. "What do you care? I thought you were as mad at me as Sirius is." I let my head fall to the side so that I couldn't see him looking at me. So that he couldn't see anything revealing in my injured face. Couldn't see my hurt. "You don't have to pretend, you know. You have our cooperation during Quidditch; you don't have to deal with me outside of that. Ow!" Grumbling, I sat up and rubbed my shin where he'd punched it lightly. "What the hell was that for?"

"The 'pity-me' attitude doesn't suit you, Artemis," he rejoined quietly, sinking back into the cushy couch. I snorted and leaned away from his calculating stare. "Lily said we should talk," he said when the silence had dragged out for a few minutes.

"About what?" I asked, but I already knew. She wanted me to explain again. He didn't respond for another minute.

"You're a lot more like your family than I thought."

"I guess so," I replied, though I have to say that when James said it, it stung a whole lot more. I could imagine Sirius felt that way right now too. I couldn't stop the bitter chuckle. "I spent all these years trying to show everyone that I was different from all of them... and then I accidentally went and proved that I was like them all along. But... you have to understand, right?" I glanced at James, feeling my heart quicken as I realized just how focused he was on this conversation. "I mean, you know how it was back then. And you know how Jordan is! And..." I cut myself off, crossing my arms over my chest as if that would quiet my rapidly beating heart, wipe away the tears that were threatening to collect in my eyes. James waited expectantly for me to continued, but I was afraid to. I couldn't look at him.

Once I said it, I couldn't take it back. And that would just make everything so much harder to bear (because I was obviously doing a wonderful job so far). It would be better for everyone if I just kept that secret to myself. James seemed to realize that I couldn't continue, because he sighed loudly and looked at me critically.

"You know, Ar..." It was the nickname that drew my attention, made me look him in the eye. He trailed off for a second, looking as if he were trying to organize his words; expecting a long lecture, I settled back into the couch next to him, my arms still folded across myself protectively. Finally he drew a long breath. "Everyone always says 'I love you' when they date someone. Or when they want to date someone. Or after they get dumped. It's such a common phrase, isn't it? Tossed around so lightly, as if it really means something to them. They use it to get things from people. They use it to get a good shag. They use it as an excuse for their actions. Jokingly, in a momentary burst of passion, or to satisfy someone, or comfort someone. 'I love you,'" he said thoughtfully, staring at me thoughtfully. "But you're... different, Ar. I think I've heard you say you loved someone maybe five times in the past seven years. Your Great Aunt Diane. Your mum. Your brother. The only time that I've ever heard you use the word lightly is when you said you loved Paxley so that you could be alone with Lily. And I've never once heard you say you loved Sirius."

My heart clenched painfully in my chest, and I definitely felt like I was going to burst into tears. I sniffled a little, though my nose had yet to run and tears had yet to flow. "So... you wouldn't believe me then? If I were to say it now, you would just assume I was lying? Just throwing the word around?

To my astonishment, James shook his head. "Actually, I would. Believe you, that is. Artemis, if you can look me in the eyes, right now, say the words that I can tell are on your tongue, I'd believe you."

"W-why?" I asked, confused thoroughly.

James rolled his eyes and punched me lightly again. "I've just said, Ar: I've never heard you use the word when you didn't mean it. And anyways, you definitely look like you're about to burst out crying, and the Ar I know wouldn't cry unless she was absolutely destroyed on the inside. See also the lack of sleeping and eating."

We stared at each other in a slightly awkward silence for a minute, and then I looked down at my hands and closed my eyes. "James... I love him." Silence and black greeted the statement, and my tears, held in tightly this whole week, even while I laid on the couch and thought and let my mind race, finally started.

"Ar," James started, his tone reflecting concern, but I wasn't done talking. My eyes snapped open and I met James' hazel.

"I love him," I repeated as the tears started pouring down my cheeks. "I love him so much that it hurts that he's away! Every time I think about him, it's like someone rips out my heart and steps on it. I... I hate myself James. I hate myself for hurting him, for ruining us! Because now he hates me, and I know I can't change his mind because I gave him every reason to!" I groaned and pulled my knees to my chest, burying my tear-covered face into my arms so that James couldn't see. "How could I be so stupid?" I asked. It was more to myself than to him, finally giving voice to the thoughts that had been racing through my mind since Melanie had broken my life to pieces. "I told myself in the very beginning that I couldn't let myself fall for him. I couldn't let myself love him, because it would just make everything so much more complicated: Jordan's threats, my swearing off guys, N.E.W.T.s, everything. I told myself to hang on to the hatred that I'd always had for him. But I couldn't help it; I started feeling for him more and more, and then we started going out and before I knew it there was nothing left to hold back. It was already out there in the open, and I couldn't get it back in."

James was silent for a moment, listening to my loud sniffles. I buried my face further into my arms, cringing in surprise when he pulled me to him in a strong hug.

"Artemis," he whispered, "I need you to explain it to me. Why... why did this happen? How did this happen?"

I sniffed again, glad that my nose was running onto my own sleeve and not onto his. "Why?" I laughed, a cold laughter that didn't really sound like mine. "Because we're people? Because people get jealous?" My words were muffled by both my sleeve and James' chest. "Melanie... she blackmailed me into it. She said she would spread my 'deepest darkest secrets' if I didn't help her with her stupid plan, which I never really thought would work anyways." I paused, taking a deep breath and pulling back so that I could look at James. "I don't know what happened," I whispered. "I think I started to like him before then; I kissed him when he told me I was back on Quidditch, without even thinking about it. I think I wanted him to kiss me on the train. I was genuinely jealous of April. But it all just happened; and she wanted it to. She wanted him to fall in love with me so that I could crush him and he would fall back to her." James was frowning, his eyes not leaving mine. "But when she tried to make me dump him, I wouldn't. I couldn't. So she made it happen." I went silent, pursing my lips and wiping my eyes with sleeve.

James picked up the banana that had fallen to the ground and split it open, handing it to me. I took a small bite between my tears and sniffles. Then James leaned back and looked at me ponderously.

"I wish you hadn't given in. The first time. She would have given up, you know. And that plan was pretty stupid. Sirius will probably never be that desperate. And I wish you would have told him." I stared at him.

"T-told him?"

"Yes. You could have used that as bait, like you always used to. Or just been completely honest with him from the get-go." I glared at him.

"Would you have told Lily?" I retorted. That seemed to catch him off guard. It was a second before he answered.

"I like to think I would have. It would have taken some courage, yeah, and maybe some alcohol." He smirked at the thought. "But yes, I think I would have told her."

"You're better than me." I sniffed and took another bite of the banana, realizing that it was actually really good. "I was... afraid to break our fragile relationship in the beginning. And then I kind of... wanted to just forget about it. I wanted it not to be complicated. I just wanted to be with him," I whispered, looking at the banana sadly. James sighed and pulled me into another hug.

"I don't know what to tell you, Ar. I want to tell you it will be okay. But I can't make Sirius understand you; he has to do that himself. At the very least, I think I can forgive you. I know it doesn't really help though." He paused and glanced at the half banana. "However, eating and sleeping will also probably help you feel better. It won't really solve the problem, but it will stop you from killing yourself."

"Lily told you about that?" I asked, leaning into his shoulder.

He stiffened. Okay, obviously not. "You didn't?"

I blushed. "Er... Well, it wasn't really on purpose... Just me overwhelmed and Voldemort was in my head... and it was right after Sirius dumped me."

James flushed and opened his mouth like he was going to yell at me. And then he shut it and shook his head. "We'll talk about this later. For now, though: are you okay?" I nodded in relief. "And you're going to start eating again? And sleeping?"

I nodded. "I'll try." He sighed and pulled me into a last hug, tight against him. "I'm sorry," I whispered into his shoulder, as if it made a difference. James just sighed.

"I guess sometimes love just sucks." I just laughed and finished my banana.