The prevalent emotion of the rest of that week was impatience. Having the answer to my Blood Bond problem this close but still unattainable was enough to make anyone upset. After a couple days, the anxiety was killing me. Every time I saw Dumbledore in the Great Hall, I wanted so badly to get up and confront him. I even went as far as standing up, determination written all over my face.
And each time I did this, Sirius would stand up too. But the look on his face was something completely different: fear, worry. After leaving the hospital wing Sirius had expressed his misgivings for the purification ritual. He hadn't realized the cost that we might have to pay. Sirius argued that it wasn't worth my life; there had to be another way.
I'd ignored him, making him so frustrated that he had yelled something about me being an idiot before storming off. But what he didn't understand was that it was worth my life. This bond wasn't just a nuisance; it could potentially lead to my death anyways.
The one time that I did get close enough to Dumbledore to speak, he gave me a look that said quite plainly "not now" before telling McGonagall that he had things he had to attend to and sweeping off to attend to those things.
The only thing thus far that had come of my hospital visit was being taken aside by McGonagall afterwards. Apparently after Madame Pomfrey talked to her, the teachers had gotten together and discussed my situation. The unanimous feeling seemed to be on par with my own: the counseling sessions were not helping me at all, and were essentially just a waste of time (though McGonagall did use more choice words to inform me of this).
And so that Saturday—and our next Quidditch match—rolled around with hardly a new development with regards to solving my bond issue. The day was perfect Quidditch weather, though, and as I sat through James' pre-game presentation, Sirius next to me with a look of dismay that didn't seem to go away, I couldn't help but look forward to the game.
After a few minutes, and in a very un-James-like manner, James went quiet.
"Why am I bothering with you lot? None of you ever listen anyway." He waved a hand at them all. "Just, I dunno, do whatever you need to to be ready, okay?" James ignored the confused looks of his team and plopped down between Sirius and I, his brows furrowed in thought.
"Um, you all right, James?" I asked at the same time as Sirius. James laughed.
"You two are a match made in heaven, alright." He again ignored the looks we gave him, and the punch to the shoulder from me. "Just hear me out, ok guys?" He lowered his voice, glancing at the rest of the team to be sure they weren't listening. "It's just… I was thinking…" His cheeks flushed pink, but he took a steeling breath and continued. "I was thinking of asking Lily to, you know, marry me."
Sirius choked. I just stared. Neither of us seemed to know what to say, so after a few seconds James kept going.
"See, it's just, with everything going on, the state of the world outside Hogwarts… it just seems like we ought to spend as much time together as possible. You never know what will happen, right? And there's more, before you say anything," he interrupted as I finally found my tongue again. "There's this organization that's working to find a way to defeat Voldemort. They're doing all sorts of work for it. I know we're only seventeen, almost eighteen now, but I really want to try to help, you know?"
"James, that's great!" I smiled, but he plowed ahead.
"But the thing is, I feel like I have to explain all this to Lily first, before she can say yes or no. Like, she has to understand what she's getting into. But… I'm… I'm really nervous." James looked at Sirius, then at me, frowning. Still looking at me, he said, "I'm scared. I feel like… knowing what might happen to someone who joins an organization like that…" He left the possibilities hanging, but we all knew what he was saying.
"James…" I started, but the name was hardly out of my mouth before Sirius spoke.
"Well you can't let that keep you down, James. I mean, you can't know for sure unless you ask. She could completely shut you down…" James' face fell, but he nodded. I scowled at Sirius. He carried on regardless. "But it is Lily we're talking about. I'd say there's a very good chance she'd be all for joining with you. Though I can't say anything about the whole marriage thing. You've got a better idea about that than me, mate."
"Right… right," James repeated. Then, cheerfully, "Which is why I'm deciding whether or not to ask based on whether we win today or not."
This time, I choked. "James, you can't make a decision like that—"
"Sure I can!" he argued, clapping his hands on our shoulders and standing up. "And speaking of, it's about time to head out! Ready team?"
"Maybe you ought to make more decisions like that," Sirius mumbled as we rose and followed James and the rest of the team down the hall.
"Shut up."
"Seriously. We win, you go through with it; we lose, you find another way."
We were at the doorway then, just stepped into the perfect outside light. But enough was enough. I was getting sick of him butting in. Why didn't he understand how necessary this risk was? It took everything I had not to start screaming at him in fury.
Instead, I whirled around to face him. "That's enough, Sirius," I snapped, grabbing a fistful of his Quidditch robes. "James can do what he wants but that is not how I'm going to make my life decisions."
"Looks like Gryffindor's chasers have to finish up their little lovers' squabble before the match can start!" Mason Reynolds' voice again rang around the stadium, but I ignored him, as always.
"You of all people know why I have to do it. And anyways, it's none of your business! It's my life, so just butt the fuck out!" I finished, ineffectually pushing him back.
"Um, everything okay guys?" James asked, having turned back at Reynolds' comment.
"Fine," I said shortly, marching past him to where everyone was waiting. James looked like he wanted to press the subject, but wisely kept his mouth shut. This was presumably because Madame Hooch was looking a little sour at having to wait.
"Nice of Gryffindor to join us," the referee said dryly, before ordering us to mount our brooms. I did my best to leave my troubles on the ground as the shrill whistle sounded and we lifted off.
I needn't have bothered, though, because it was literally the shortest game I had ever played. Channeling James' spirit, Wes caught the Snitch before anyone even scored a goal, effectively shutting Hufflepuff out of running for the cup. The only memorable part of the whole match was when the two seekers almost knocked Sirius off his broom as they rushed after the Snitch. (Is it bad that I almost wish that they had? I mean, maybe he didn't deserve that and I was just being angry, but still…)
As James and the others cheered and hollered in the middle of the pitch, lifting Wes on their shoulders as the Gryffindor crowd gathered around, I shouldered my broomstick and smiled and started back to the locker rooms. I wasn't really in the mood for celebration. Even if I had been, I had a gazillion other things to use this extra time for. I began listing my to-do list in my head.
That essay for potions, that homework for McGonagall, lunch, Charms tutoring with Lils, detention after dinner…
"Hey, Artemis?"
I inhaled through my teeth, the hiss making Sirius frown more. I didn't even slow down, but he kept pace next to me anyway.
"Look, I don't want to hear it, Sirius. I'm not talking about this anymore, okay? There's nothing you can do to change my mind. So just drop it."
"Artemis, can't we just talk about it?" he argued, scowling.
I stopped so suddenly that he was several steps past me before he noticed. I was finally past the point of being angry; it was more than that. The conversation was making my heart ache. My eyes were itching with soon-to-be-formed tears, which was too embarrassing for me to do in front of Sirius right now. Out, out! I needed to be out of there, now, before I did something stupid. I resumed walking, so fast I was almost jogging.
"Artemis!"
"Why can't you just trust me?" I snapped at last, whirling around without a thought of the broomstick still in my hands. It smacked him pretty solidly in the face; he actually recoiled. I immediately dropped it to the ground, staring at him in horror. He stared back, face red. "I'm…I'm sorry, Sirius, that was completely on accident…"
"I know," he responded, heaving a hissing sigh in the same way I had before. "I know."
But by now it was too late. My strung-out emotions, no longer dampened by the Calming Draught, could take no more. Eyes stinging, I started running, calling over my shoulder, "You just don't get it, you dumbass!"
And after that, I proceeded to get no homework done for the rest of the day, hiding in our suite until it was time for my detention.
-Falling back to my inner child, I again started ignoring Sirius' attempts to converse with me for the next several days. I knew that anything I wanted to say would either come out as more embarrassing tears or more yelling, so I simply decided to avoid the stress by walking away whenever he spoke to me.
So that Monday, naturally, our gang of friends had questions. This particular question came out at lunch from James.
"So what's up with you two this time?" he asked bluntly, probably wondering if it was safe for him to be seated between us. Sirius didn't seem to want to answer, so I checked that everyone around us was busy with their meal before spilling about the whole issue of Purification.
"So basically it might be the only chance I have to get rid of this stupid Blood Bond. It could be my only chance at being sane again. Or at least as sane as I used to be…" I finished after a few minutes of explaining everything that I knew about the ritual.
"But you could die?" Lily repeated, her brows furrowed in concern. "Or never wake up? That's a pretty big risk, Ar… which must mean…" She frowned at Sirius, who was scowling at his salad. "It's not what you had in mind. Which explains why you two aren't talking." The other three boys nodded their agreement and understanding; Sirius dropped his fork.
"You're damn right it's not what I had in mind! I just don't think it's worth throwing—" he clamped his mouth shut as I stood up to leave, grabbing James' sleeve as if that would stop me. James looked at me with sad eyes.
"Ar, come on… you know what Sirius is saying, right? He's just worried about you…"
"I'm not stupid, James," I snapped, climbing over the bench and into the aisle. "I get why he feels that way, I do. But like I've told him—"
"I know," Sirius growled, nearly pushing James over as he leapt into the aisle to keep me from running away, towering over me in that way that still made me feel warm inside. "I know, it's your life, it's your choice. I get it. I won't argue with you anymore…" He took a deep breath and put his hands on my shoulders—a gesture I reluctantly allowed. "So please… stop running away from me…"
His silver eyes stared into mine, his mouth turned down in a pitiful frown. My eyes started to burn again.
"Fine," I muttered, swatting his hands off my shoulders and turning to sit back down, only to find myself face-to-face with Dumbledore.
"Miss Gaunt," he said, oddly devoid of eye-twinkling. "If you have some time, there are some things we need to discuss, in my office."
"Oh, uh, yes, of course, professor," I managed to stumble after a moment, hardly daring to believe this conversation was actually about to happen. I looked back at my friends for reassurance and mostly found it—a nod from Remus and Peter, a thumbs up from James, a smile from Lily. Sirius looked like he was about to renounce everything he had just said; instead he sat back on his bench with a defeated thump. I frowned at him and followed Dumbledore as he walked away.
"I do trust you, you know! I know what you're capable of."
I blinked, glanced back at him. He gave me the smallest of tight-lipped smiles—though those magnificent eyes still showed his worry. I flashed back to Christmas-time, leaving him on the platform as I went home with my family. Another time he had looked at me just like that.
This isn't like that, I told myself, shoving the thought to the back of my mind and steeling my resolve. This… this was going to keep anything like that from happening to me again. I wouldn't just be another one of Voldemort's pawns.
But with every step closer to Dumbledore's office, I felt the anxiety mounting. What if he couldn't do the ritual? What if he just simply told me no, or he agreed with Sirius' sentiments, that this was too much of a risk? What if it was? What if there was an easier way? A safer way, just waiting to be found?
By the time we reached the gargoyle-guarded staircase, I was about ready to burst into tears again. Stop it! I scolded myself, trying to push all my doubts away and remind myself that this was necessary. No one else understood that feeling of constantly being threatened, of being worried that someone else was going to take over their mind and force them to do unimaginable things, or imaginable but horrific things. I was tired of living in fear, hoping that Lily's charms would keep me from plummeting off the Astronomy tower in the middle of the night.
My resolution steeled once more as I took a seat across from Dumbledore, looking defiantly at his frown. After a moment, he spoke.
"It's come to my attention that you wish to undergo a Purification Ritual."
"Yes, professor, and the sooner the—" he held up at hand, and I reluctantly closed my mouth.
"The Purification Ritual, as Madame Pomfrey has insisted she impressed upon you, is an extremely complex and arduous ritual." I nodded, wishing we could get straight to the point. "She is more of an expert on the subject than I, but from what I understand, it requires three casters, takes a full month to prepare, lasts a whole night, and in the end is only fully successful a fifth of the time."
"A full month?" I gasped, but he simply rose an eyebrow at me and continued.
"The other results range from waking up with bonds still intact to not waking up at all. I've been searching this past week for other options, any other solutions I could think of, as I'm sure you have as well. But it seems that the Blood Bond is still very un-studied, and no other more reliable methods exist at the present. I would suggest that you wait, allow time for a solution to present itself. But I'm judging from your expression that you are done waiting."
"Professor," I started, leaning forward in my chair. "I'm ready to do whatever I have to…"
"Is it worth taking this risk? Risking your very life?"
I took a deep breath. And then I told him everything I had experienced through having the bond with Voldemort: from stabbing my arm with Mira's scissors months and months ago, from when I realized what the bond was and who was on the other side, to when Sirius barely saved me from a terrible fall. I told him how Lily casted charms on our room every night so that she would be able to wake up and stop me if it happened again.
"So you see, professor?" I pleaded. "Every minute this bond exists is a risk to my life. At least… at least if I can do this ritual I can take it into my own hands again. I can have the upper hand."
Professor Dumbledore sat with his fingertips steepled together on his desk, looking at me carefully. Finally, he smiled at me. "Had you told me all this sooner, this issue might have already been resolved. But what's done is done. Now, the ritual…"
Half an hour later, now hurrying to Divination with an apologetic note from Dumbledore in hand, I had all the gritty details. On top of being immensely long and complicated, it frankly sounded embarrassing and horrific. The gist: the ritual started with a "cleansing" of body at sunset in which one of the casters would basically pour a pure water-like potion over me. Naked (and from there I would stay naked until sunrise). After the cleansing, I would have to bathe in a potion made mostly from the blood of multiple magical creatures while the casters chanted and… well, cast, the ritual magic around me. And then, I would be submerged in the potion—which Dumbledore insisted would be perfectly safe, as long as I trusted the casters to prepare correctly. From there, the rest would be an internal struggle, or so the survivors of the ritual said. I would apparently have to hold on to my resolution pretty tightly…
Not a single part of this ritual sounded good. It sounded like a pain in the ass, and not only for me. But at this point—and even Dumbledore had admitted it—it seemed to be my only option.
You think it will be this easy? Voldemort whispered in my head, as if to prove the point.
"Shove it," I said out loud. Probably not the best thing to tell Lord Voldemort, but the plan was making me bold. His high laughter rang in my mind.
Professor Aurelia gave me the ugliest look she ever had as I walked into class, which was saying something. If possible, the look got even worse when I gave her Dumbledore's note. Her cheeks were tinged with red as she ordered me to sit down. Resisting the urge to tell her to shove it too, I took my seat next to Lily.
"Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted…" the professor continued, looking pointedly away from me—she wouldn't look at me again all class. Meanwhile, the others were giving me expectant looks, so under my breath I told them the bare minimum: that it would take a month to prepare, was very risky and very long, and that it would rely heavily on my confidence in myself and my trust in the others.
"A whole month? But who knows what could happen before then!" Lily whispered with a frown.
Sirius muttered something incoherent that sounded like "change your mind," so I glared at him, saying instead, "Well, it's the only choice I've got. Even Dumbledore said so. I mean… I can't even sleep without worrying."
"Now, we will end the lesson gazing. An atmosphere of calm and silence will help to ease your minds into the art. Everyone have a crystal ball?"
Our conversation cut short—a relief for me—we sat in silence, staring at the cloudy crystal ball. I vaguely wished that my conversation with Dumbledore had taken longer, just so I could have skipped the class entirely. What a waste of time… I thought in boredom, staring at the mist. My eyes started to droop…
But suddenly it looked like the mist was staring back: a large pair of yellowed brown eyes—animalistic, but intelligent. I sat straight up, my own eyes snapping open, startling Lily—who seemed to be the only one of us still fully awake and aware.
"You ok?" she asked quietly, earning a look from Aurelia as the bell for end of class rang.
"Um… yeah, I thought I saw something," I said slowly, but the eyes were gone. "It must have just been my reflection. I was totally falling asleep…"
"Oh, you mean like these idiots?" she replied, jabbing James in the ribs. I laughed as he jolted upright.
"Huh?" he asked, blinking blearily.
That night, though, I couldn't help but fall asleep thinking about those eyes. They had looked so… human but not, all at the same time. As I fell into sleep, finally, I began to dream about them. The owner lurked in shadows, just out of my sight. I begged the creature to come into the light so I could see it, but instead it went further into shadow. I began to follow…
A shrill whistle snapped me back to reality. I tripped over something suddenly wrapped around my legs and crashed painfully to the ground. Gathering my bearings, I realized that I was in the doorway between our beds and our small living area, there was a length of rope bound around my calves, and Lily was sitting up, waving her wand around wildly as if looking for an intruder.
At last, she understood what was happening and silenced the whistle, released me from my bondage.
"At least we know the alarms work…" she mumbled finally.
"Next month can't come soon enough," I sighed, returning to my bed and settling in for a long night of no sleep.
-That following weekend brought something I had completely forgotten about: the first Hogsmeade trip of spring. With overwhelming reluctance, I tagged along with Remus, Peter, and Sirius, all of whom insisted that I needed to take a break and relax. And they were right; between the little amount of sleep I got, worrying about the ritual, and trying to keep on top of my schoolwork, I was exhausted and stressed to the point—again—of mental breakdown. This point having been made by Sirius calmly in the common room while the group was collectively working on a transfiguration assignment, I merely sighed and nodded in agreement. Internally, I scolded myself for letting myself get to this point and questioned whether I could ever go back to being a regular person again.
And so I found myself sitting in the Three Broomsticks, sipping a butterbeer and starting to feel like maybe I could after all. The boys watched as I downed my third one and ordered another from Madame Rosmerta. The woman raised an eyebrow at me with a smile and laughed.
"How about I get you a water, sweetheart?"
All three of the guys immediately shook their heads at her, almost perfectly synchronized. I sighed and smiled. "No, you're right, Madame Rosmerta. A water would be great." The woman laughed again and retrieved me a tall glass.
"N.E.W.T.s got you down, hun?" she leaned down and whispered in my ear, "I mean, you don't seem to be having any guy trouble…" she straightened up and winked at me. I burst out laughing.
"Oh, no!" I waved a hand in denial, "I'm single as can be! I don't suppose you know any nice guys? This lot…" Madame Rosmerta put a finger to her chin thoughtfully; Sirius' expression said exactly what he thought of my statement. I was kind of impressed that he managed to hold his tongue, Remus patting him on the back consolingly. Before Madame Rosmerta could respond, I added, "Just kidding, I've got enough on my plate right now. The last thing I need is some guy to make my life harder."
Sirius didn't seem to have any more self-control left. He opened his mouth to retort, but the Madame nodded in understanding and spoke before he made a sound. "I feel ya. How about I bring you some chocolate cake?"
"Oh, that does sound good!"
"I thought so! Back in minute."
She sat the cake down and headed off with a "Let me know if you need anything else." Sirius seemed to have thought better of whatever he was going to say. He did, however, snatch my fork and take a large bite of my cake.
"Hey!"
He pointed the fork at me in a warning, this-is-what-you-get sort of way, so I rolled my eyes and grabbed the fork back. After a second, his irritated look started to make me feel—dare I say it?—guilty. I sighed.
"Sorry. I shouldn't have said that stuff. I was just joking. You know, trying to relax like you guys told me to. Do you want apology cake?" I held out the fork; Sirius looked at me suspiciously.
"Keep your dirty apology cake," he huffed finally, rolling his eyes.
"I'd sure take some apology cake!" Peter said cheerfully. I laughed and pushed the last few bites at him.
"So what were you guys doing next?" I asked, polishing off my glass of water.
"We were planning on hitting up Zonko's," Remus informed me, setting down his glass as well.
"Yeah? I don't think it's a good idea for me to come too… I might get expelled just for going near there," I joked. None of the guys seemed to think it was funny. Probably because it had a grain of truth to it.
"What will you do then?"
"I dunno…" I sat back thoughtfully. "The fresh spring air might do me some good. I might just go up to the Shack. Before the haunting resumes this week," I added thoughtfully. Remus scowled at me.
"I spend too much time up there as it is, so I'll stick with Zonko's," he growled, obviously not appreciating my reference to his condition. Peter nodded his agreement around the final bite of cake. Sirius, meanwhile, took a small breath and looked down at the table.
For a few seconds, we were all quiet; my tummy tingled as I smiled sadly, knowing exactly what he was wanting, hoping for. We had been getting on a little better since he had accepted my decision—finally. But the reality of the situation was that I had made plans to talk to my brother once the Marauders and I split. I wasn't sure how Apollo was going to take the purification idea, and the last thing I needed was Sirius turning my brother against me. So I kept my mouth shut as we paid our tabs and trooped together out of the pub. Remus and Peter waved back at me as they started down the street to Zonko's.
Sirius, however, put a hand on my shoulder, his eyes begging a correct answer to the question his mouth was opened to ask. "Artemis, do you want—"
"I'll see you back at the castle, Sirius," I interrupted before he could finish, patting his hand reassuringly before shrugging away and taking off towards the path out of town. I heard him growl at being cut off, but when I glanced back he was already gone. I breathed a sigh of relief and let myself slow to a relaxed stroll. I honestly hadn't expected him to give up so easily, and I wasn't sure if the fact that he had insulted me or calmed me…
The walk to the Shrieking Shack was just what I had hoped; a breeze wafted my hair around my shoulders occasionally, clouds drifting slowly across a perfect blue sky and the smell of spring flowers filling the clean air. I could feel myself unwinding with every second in the crisp perfection of it. When I reached the shack, I leaned nonchalantly against the fence that had been built only a few years back—when all the villagers finally gave into their fear and forbade anyone from going near the place. I had just started wondering what would happen to the place next year when there was no transforming werewolf to haunt it when I heard footsteps on the path behind me and turned to see my brother.
"Hey, Olly," I muttered quietly, suddenly a lot more nervous now that it wasn't my own ice blue eyes I had to face. He stopped a couple meters away from me, frowning and muttering his own greeting. The silence between us felt like an eternity, but after only half a minute I finally managed to get some words out. "Um, thanks for coming to meet me here. I mean, I guess the castle would have been okay too, but it's so nice out I didn't want to waste a perfect day. I mean, look how perfectly blue… the sky… is…" I trailed off as he scowled at me.
"We both know that we've never been a pair for small talk," he said bluntly. "We're family, I'm your brother and you can tell me anything; but we didn't come out here to talk about the sky, Temmy. A lot has happened since we last talked. So stop beating around the bush and tell me."
He made a fair point, I supposed. I drummed my fingers anxiously on the fence. How was I supposed to tell him that the only way to break the Blood Bond was to break the bond I had with him too. Our bond was a huge part of our relationship; it would all change. Would we still be able to beat the odds and stay close over the years? Would we grow apart because we no longer would have a means to relate to each other? While my worries mounted and my chest tightened, I could sense Apollo's impatience mounting. I took a steeling breath.
"Where's Black?" Apollo asked suddenly, catching me off guard. I couldn't stop the look of confusion that flickered across my face. "Whenever you're this anxious, it usually has to do with him. Also…" he turned and brandished his wand at the bushes behind us. "Someone is watching us. Come out!"
I barely stopped myself from letting out a gasp—or a hiss, which was the other possibility—when a great black dog—innocent-looking as could be—stepped out of the bushes, tail wagging. Apollo seemed almost as surprised as me.
"Huh… I would have sworn…"
I did my absolute best to quench the surge of anger that rose when Snuffles' stormy doggy eyes met mine, before Apollo could pick up that something was off. As it was, he was still staring at Snuffles suspiciously as he trotted up, seemingly looking for a petting. As quickly as I could, I forced myself to ignore him, figuring the best way to make sure my brother didn't realize what I was feeling so angry about was to pretend Sirius wasn't there snooping.
"Look, Apollo, you're right. While the sky is beautiful today and that is definitely a nosy and not-so-stealthy mutt of a dog, that's not why we're here. See, I've finally found a way to get rid of my Blood Bond."
At that Apollo whirled around to face me. Obviously it wasn't what he had been expecting. "You have? What is it? When will you be able to do it?"
"It's something called a Purification Ritual… and it's definitely not the ideal solution, but it's the only one we have and frankly I need a solution now."
"Why? What happened?"
I shook my head. "Let's just say that Lily Evans saved my life this week. I can't keep living like this, Olly," I frowned. "But… the ritual is dangerous. Worst case scenario… I could die or be stuck in a coma for the rest of my life or… who knows. But that's not all…" I paused and swallowed. "The ritual, if it works, will removed all the physical and mental bonds that I have. All of them. Ours."
Even the wind stopped for a moment. Apollo was silent, his arms folded, Snuffles ignored at his feet. The only indication of what he was feeling was a deepened frown. But I could feel his excitement disappear, replaced by something darker. A mixture of fear and sadness and anger. The whole world seemed to be waiting for his response with bated breath. It was forever before he finally took a deep breath.
"I'm not sure… what I'm supposed to say, Temmy," he admitted, a touch of the sadness showing in his tone. He closed his eyes for a second, then drew another breath, opened his eyes, and put his hands on my shoulders. "I can tell you're resolved to do this. And as much as it pains me to say it, you should be. But if you die giving up our bond, I'll never forgive you. As for you, Black," he added, removing his hands and looking down his nose as Snuffles, "if you let her die, I'll make sure you regret it for the rest of your life." He turned and started back down the path the way he had come, graciously ignoring my mouth hanging open in shock. Before my eyes Snuffles melted into Sirius, shaking his shaggy black head at my brother's turned back.
"How did he… oh never mind."
As if his voice held a magic spell—which most times it seemed to—my anger at him flooded back. I punched his arm as hard as I could, causing more harm to myself than to him. He looked back at me shaking my injured hand, one eyebrow raised.
"What was that for?"
"You know what that was for!" I snapped back, resisting the urge to punch him again. "Sirius, what are you doing here? Why aren't you with Remus and Peter?"
"I just thought it was weird you wanted to come up here all by yourself, that's all," he answered, taking a step back and out of my reach and looking off towards the shack.
"Oh, come on, Sirius!"
"Fine," he snapped, turning away from me as if he was about to leave. "I just worry about you, Ar. With everything that's going on, everything that's happened…"
If he had thought coming clean sooner was going to win him points—which he didn't seem to have, judging by his reluctant expression—he was mistaken. The anger only intensified with his admission, which I made quite clear by shouldering past him.
"I don't need your support all the time, Sirius," I growled, tracing my brother's trail down the path. "I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself…"
Before I could take more than a couple steps, Sirius pulled me back around by my wrist, gripping so hard that it hurt. He immediately let go at my expression, taking a step away. "I'm sorry… I know. I know you can take care of yourself, just like I know you're strong enough to get through this ritual, no matter what," he half-yelled at me. "After everything we've been through, I know what you can do and I understand that you don't need me here for your support. But damn it, Artemis, that doesn't mean I don't worry about you. I don't ever want to see you get hurt again. If that means I have to creep around in bushes as Snuffles, then so be it. I love you, Artemis, so you'll just have to live with it."
I could swear I felt my heart drop to my stomach. My face was burning. My eyes were suddenly burning. Sirius was only now seeming to realize what he had just said.
I couldn't stop myself. Everything that had happened and this was more than I could bear. I burst into tears, quickly dissolving into a soppy, snotty mess. Of all the times for one of us to confess, to finally admit it, to say those dirty words, to hear him tell me he loved me after all that we'd been through was too much. I covered my face with my hands—to try to stem the flow? to somehow try to hide the flood of fluid from my wish-I-could-say-boyfriend?—unsure if I should try to run or stay and face the situation now. I heard Sirius curse, heard him take the step to close the gap between us, felt him pull me to him.
I pushed him away. Almost every part of me wanted to pull him closer, but until absolutely every part did I couldn't let myself get pulled in again. It hurt, but what hurt more was the pain etched on his face. I couldn't take it; I was overwhelmed with the urge to run again. I turned and took a few big steps away. But then I changed my mind and whirled back around, my robes whipping behind me.
"Why would you say that?" I yelled at him, tears and snot still flowing freely, sounding more than just a little bit crazy. "I hate you! I hate you so much because I love you too but I can't right now, I can't! What am I supposed to say now, Sirius? What am I supposed to do?"
Sirius again closed the distance between us, as if those physical steps could mend our fragile relationship every time. He reached up as if to touch my face, then thought better of it and let his hand fall back to his side. "I'm sorry, Artemis," he said quietly, the look in his eyes saying the same. "I didn't mean to… I didn't mean to let that slip out. I know there's a lot to deal with right now. I'm not asking you to do or say anything. I don't want to ruin what we have now. You don't have to be with me; I just… I just want to be there for you."
For the next few minutes, we stood there like that in an awkward silence—me trying to control my leaking face, Sirius trying not to look at my leaking face but occasionally glancing at me. At last, I managed to regain control of myself, wiping my last few tears on my sleeve. I sniffled loudly, noting how swollen my eyes felt and how red they probably were now from crying. I reached out slowly and brushed Sirius' hand with my fingers, frowning at his chest to avoid his eyes.
"I'm sorry, I overreacted," I muttered. "I was just angry that… Well, it's not… Oh, forget it. Sorry I'm a prat. I'm going back to the castle before someone spots me and asks me what's wrong." I turned to walk as Sirius opened and then shut his mouth, hesitant. "Oh Merlin, Sirius would you like to walk with me?" I asked with only the smallest amount of venom.
Sirius' eyes lit up and he gave me a small smile. "Well, really that sounds bloody awful. But if it will make you happy, then yes."
I snorted and rolled my eyes, but I didn't retort.
Because frankly, it did make me happy.
-I couldn't describe how thankful I was for Lily's lack of questions when she came back to our little suite that evening. While it was probably pretty clear that something had happened between Sirius and I—again—for once no one seemed worried. Maybe it was because things seemed to have changed for the better, and no one—including myself—wanted to ruin it. Over the next few days, I had to work very hard to focus on my school work. My free moments were filled with pondering about whether there was a chance, even the smallest, that after the Purification Ritual and after N.E.W.T.s and after… well, everything we could be together, be happy again. My interactions with Sirius were feeling pretty awkward at the moment, but how else was it supposed to feel when you both just confessed that you loved each other… and then still didn't wind up together?
Actually, I was a little surprised that by midweek there were still no questions asked. The Marauders were busy with Remus' little problem, I assumed—he wasn't in class come Wednesday—but Lily? Lily seemed pretty distracted herself, and when I inquired whether she wanted to talk, she came back with a "Maybe later." And so her issue was dropped while I waited for her to be ready.
And so it was that I strolled down to my detention with Hagrid that Thursday afternoon after classes.
"We're looking for those rare mushrooms again, yeh remember 'em? Bright blue? With the purple spots? Took all day to find them last time, but I think now we know where to look it shouldn' take as long. We'll be back in by dark to get you back to your studies. Feeling ready for those N.E.W.T.s, Artemis?"
I laughed bitterly in reply. But we did have a pleasant conversation about magical creatures as we took the two mile trek into the forest, back to the same area that we had collect the mushrooms in question months before. A few hours passed, light dimming as the sun started sinking below the trees.
"'Bout time to be heading back. We'll have to come back tomorrow for the last of 'em."
"But we only need a few more, it shouldn't take that long," I argued. That two mile hike was a quite a journey for a handful of mushrooms, especially when there was homework to be done and Quidditch practice to be had.
"Well, keep an eye open on the way back. Don't want to be way out here when night falls. Lots of creatures that aren't too dangerous if yeh know how ta handle 'em, but doesn't mean you should go lookin' for trouble."
I sighed, knowing I wasn't about to win an argument with him of larger size and authority and that he did have a good point. So I took his advice, casting my eyes this way and that—and tripping because I wasn't watching where I was going—in search of the mushrooms. After about half a mile, I spotted a patch of blue.
"Hagrid, look! Is that some?"
Hagrid turned and squinted in the direction I pointed. "Merlin's beard, it is! That might be the biggest patch I've seen yet."
It took about an extra five minutes for us to hike over to the patch—it was well of the path and pretty overgrown. At last, we gathered the number we needed. Then we slowly worked our way back onto the path, Hagrid trying to mark the location of the mushroom patch both physically and mentally for the next time. I breathed a sigh of relief at not having to miss a practice for some mushrooms—no matter how rare and cool-looking.
With our little side trip by the time we got back to Hagrid's hut darkness had fallen, the last bit of sun a ribbon of blue-gray along the mountains. The full moon hung in the sky, casting a light over the grounds that that feeble strip couldn't match.
"Need escorted back to the castle?" Hagrid asked politely, though his grumbling stomach and a glance at his comfy home said otherwise. I shook my head and smiled.
"I should be fine. Thanks though! Enjoy your dinner, Hagrid!"
With a wave, I set off towards the castle, looking forward to a quick dinner of my own. Before I came anywhere close, however, a movement caught my eyes near the edge of the forest.
With a glance at the moon, I whipped out my wand, half expecting werewolf Remus to come bounding out of the trees. What I saw instead was a small womanly figure, slipping into them.
A small womanly figure that looked a lot like Melanie Jordan.
I stood rooted to the spot. Confused about what she was doing. Wanting to go inside and eat, maybe send Professor McGonagall out to find her. Concerned, for my own safety as the moon climbed higher.
Hagrid was right. The forest was dangerous at night. And if the Marauders brought Remus on the grounds… leaving Melanie out here would put her in danger, sending a teacher would put the teacher in danger, staying out would put me in danger. But if a teacher spotted Remus, Dumbledore would know exactly who was roaming the grounds every full moon. Remus would get in trouble, maybe even expelled.
I bounced anxiously on my toes, balling my hands into fists, biting my lip as with a final look at the castle I plunged after Melanie into the Forbidden Forest.
The moonlight was not nearly as helpful in the shelter of the trees. I took a deep breath, wondering at my own stupidity. "Hey, Jordan?" I called, as loudly as I dared. With a muttered "lumos," I lit my wand, looking around for a sign of which was the witch had gone. "Jordan? I know you're in here, somewhere…"
No response, but I did here some rustling from farther in. Unsure if I should probably turn around and head the other way, I took another breath and ventured further. After several hundred feet of tripping over roots and vines, repeating the process of quietly calling and looking around, I was starting to wonder if maybe I had imagined Jordan coming in here or if maybe this was just one more way Voldemort was trying to kill me. Just send her in a forest and get her eaten, pretty genius.
"Jordan?" I hissed one last time, ready to give it up. No response, and then a shriek from a little further in. Without a thought—though if I had stopped to do so I would have asked myself why?—I hurtled over roots and rocks towards the sound. After a minute or so, I tripped and caught myself on the branch of the nearest bush, which happened to be covered in thorns. I hissed in pain as I managed to regain my balance, looking around to see what had tripped me.
Melanie was on the ground, tangled in ivy and looking quite terrified as a snake slithered across her legs. One look at it told me it was harmless, but clearly Melanie was not aware.
"Get it off me…" she whimpered.
I rubbed at the fresh scratches on my palm, hissing softly, "Um, excuse me, but can you please get off my friend? You're scaring her." The snake bobbed its scaly head and slithered away. Snake gone, giving me an anxious look that probably had to do with the parseltongue, Melanie started removing her legs from the tangle of vines.
"What are you doing here?" she asked as she worked. As if I was the one where she wasn't supposed to be. As if I hadn't just saved her—as far as she knew.
"I should ask you the same thing. I was just heading back to the castle from my detention. You know, the lifetime of them I got for trying to kill you."
She scowled at me, getting to her feet and brushing her robes prissily. "Well, it's none of your business."
I rolled my eyes at her attitude, but grabbed her arm as she started walking deeper into the forest. "Whoa, hold on. Seriously, there are not good things in here. We need to get back to the castle before… something bad happens."
She laughed her tinkly stupid laugh, yanking her hand from mine. "Oh please. Anyways, if you must know, I saw James and Sirius sneaking out. I followed them out of the castle, but I lost them. This is the only place I can think that they would go." She started walking again and I stared at her back.
"Are you serious? After everything that's happened, everything you did, you're still stalking him?"
She came to a very sudden halt and looked back at me, teary-eyed in the wandlight. "I'm not stupid, Gaunt," she snapped. "I know that if everything I did to get him back didn't work, nothing will. I know he doesn't, and won't ever, love me. I can see that now. But I still care about him, okay? I just… I didn't want to see him get in trouble for sneaking out, especially for sneaking into this dumb dark forest. Alright?" She gave a big sniffle and turned to walk away, leaving me gaping after her in surprise.
After a second, I forced my mouth shut and jogged after her, trying not to trip again. Once I had caught up to her, I opened my mouth to ask her how she could possibly still feel that way, after the way he had broken up with her. but before I got a word out, she jerked to a stop.
"Did you here that?"
As if the echoing howl from further in the forest was hard to hear. As if someone had just doused me in ice water, I suddenly felt cold with fear all over. I grabbed Melanie's arm.
"We need to get back to the castle, like now," I ordered, tugging on said arm. She yanked it out of my hand.
"I need to—"
"Listen, you dumb bitch," I snapped, losing my temper with fear and frustration, "we need to get out of here now, before… whatever that was finds us. We don't even know for sure if Sirius came in here, but we know what else is in here and I'm not going to die because your stupid ass is too stubborn to save yourself!"
She scowled at me and turned to walk away, but we both froze at the sound of another bark and a glint of yellow eyes further in the darkness of the trees. A lot of noise, like a struggle between a few larger beasts, was now reaching us from the same direction.
Now sheer panic was coming over me. "COME ON," I yelled at Melanie, twisting my hand in the shoulder of her robes and dragging the terrified girl behind me in the direction I was hoping the castle was. I only had to drag her for a second before she was running herself. The sounds were getting closer though, and the castle was still so far away.
A loud bark rang out behind us, very close now. I wasn't sure if it was the bark or pure instinct, but something told me to duck. I dove—leapt—to grab Melanie's arm, dragging her to the ground with me just in time as something flew over our heads, the wind from it wafting our hair.
Melanie screamed as Remus—teenaged-werewolf-Remus looking at us with wild, but intelligent eyes glowing yellow in the shifting moonlight—skidded around to face us. Now panic wasn't a strong enough word to describe how I was feeling. As Remus charged towards us again and the thudding footsteps behind us presumably Sirius, James, and Peter rushing into for a rescue attempt and us smack in the middle, a desperation came over me. Not to save myself, and certainly not to save Melanie. But to protect Remus, who if I didn't save us both would never forgive himself.
In that desperation, I threw my hands in front of me—hardly noticing that my wand had flown out of my hand upon diving and now rested midway between Remus and me—and screamed, "Portego!"
Afraid to even watch the feeble outcome of my attempt, my eyes squeezed shut. But there was a loud rumbling and the ground shook beneath my knees. A strange coolness suddenly on my hands. And then a very dull thunk followed by snarling and scratching.
Then the whole world seemed to lurch and that cool surface smacked very solidly into my head. Everything was lights, even though my eyes were still tightly closed. I vaguely wondered if I was dead; nothing really hurt at the moment, but everything felt heavy.
Still seeing stars, I forced my eyes open. At least, I think I did. It was pitch dark, except the tiny crack of slightly-less-dark darkness running through it and the twinkling stars in my head. Everything seemed like it was spinning, the ground still felt like it was shifting. I could hear Melanie breathing heavily in the darkness next to me; from outside, there was still scratching and snarling, occasionally shifting further away and then coming back. Finally, there was a frustrated howl and the sounds of multiple creatures moving away. Finally all that was left was the sound of Melanie's breathing, and mine—which now in the silence sounded horribly ragged and labored.
"Lumos," Melanie whispered after a minute, filling the space with bright light that made my head pound and caused me to cringe against a stone wall that hadn't been there before but must have been what I had smashed my head on. I closed my eyes, feeling sick to my stomach. "How did we… what happened?"
Silence answered her question. I really wasn't sure how it had happened either. All I knew was that somehow my desperate attempt at a shield spell had somehow turned into what seemed—to my rattled, cloudy mind—to be a stone cocoon of sorts.
"I'm bleeding…" I managed to open one eye against the light still emanating from her wand. Said wand was being prodded at her palm, where she did in fact have a small cut. Probably from when I had shoved her down. After a second, the cut was gone. Against my will, I was both impressed and surprised. She saw me looking and explained simply, "I'd like to be a medic once we graduate. Don't look so shocked." She pouted and looked me over. "You look awful. You're bleeding too." She gestured at my leg.
Sickness and dizziness being forced out of mind for now, I struggled to see where she was looking. I was even more surprised to see a pretty substantial tear and blood staining my pant leg. Frankly, I was so busy feeling exhausted and possibly concussed to feel the pain from it, but it sure looked painful.
"Sit with your leg out more so I can see if I can fix it," Melanie ordered. And honestly I wondered if she could. I'd spent so much time hating the girl and her infatuation with Sirius that I'd never considered what she could possibly offer society. I supposed sometimes it was hard to see past your own wants and life to remember that other people have feelings and wants too. That people weren't all black and white, good and evil—
"Are you going to let me look at it or not?" she asked, brow furrowed as she interrupted my fuzzy musings. I frowned.
"I don't know if I can move…" I finally admitted, voice coming out as a weak mumble. Despite my best efforts, the only thing I could muster up enough energy to turn to face her was my head.
She sat back against the other side of our shelter, giving me a plainly confused look. "Why the bloody hell not?" she asked, as if wondering if I was just trying to be difficult. "Does it hurt that bad?"
"No. I actually can't feel it at all…" In spite of—or perhaps because of—her look of disbelief, I muttered, "I feel… drained. Like all my energy's been sapped. And I smacked my head pretty good, everything's kind of dizzy still."
The disbelief intensified, concern creeping in as well.
"Well I don't have any idea how to treat a concussion…" she pouted. "But I know you definitely should not sleep. At the very least I can try to take care of your leg. And then we can try to get out of here and up to the hospital wing…"
With some serious help from Melanie, we managed to get my body turned so she could see my knee. And while it was not Madame Pomfrey quality healing, she did manage to get the wound pretty well mended. It didn't really make me feel any better, but I suppose it was a relief to no longer be bleeding.
"Okay," she huffed when she was done, sitting back and scowling. "Now how do we get out? Can we just, like, use some spell to make this thing go away?"
"Um…" I sighed, trying to think straight. How to get out…
"Right, why am I asking you?" And Melanie set to mumbling different spells, tapping the wall lightly with her still-lit wand. After several minutes, she huffed loudly. "Great. Of all the people to be stuck with. Why the hell did you follow me anyway?"
I didn't bother telling her I felt the exact same way, and I had no idea how to answer her question. And I wasn't sure I could. All I wanted to do was sleep.
"Are you going to get back together with Sirius?" Melanie asked out of the blue.
I realized my eyes had closed and forced them open again with great effort. "I don't know…" I muttered.
"I mean, after everything… It just seems kind of… desperate, you know? I mean, can you really forgive him for having sex—"
"I don't know," I said loudly, or would have if I could. It ended up at the same volume as before, but it was enough to make Melanie stop. "I might say the same for you. Isn't that why we're here now? A blind desperate love for a man who can't reciprocate, or can't be forgiven, but we just can't help it? I mean, you followed him out here to try to protect him even though he won't be able to love you back. Isn't that the same thing?" By the end of my speech, it was barely coming out as a whisper; but Melanie clearly had heard every word. She frowned at me, thoughtful.
"I guess so…"
"Did you hear that?" I could have sworn I heard voices. Then again, it might have been in my head. Voldemort, probably, feeling smug that I couldn't hardly see straight. We both sat in silence for a minute.
"Artemis?"
Apollo's sweet voice. Professor McGonagall's voice followed, too quiet to make out the words. Melanie scrambled to the narrow crack in the stone, trying to peek outside.
"Professor! Professor McGonagall! Over here! We're in here!"
I grimaced and tried in vain to cover my ears. Most of her yells seemed to just echo in our personal cavern, but it seemed that enough sound got through that it had drawn the teacher's attention. There was a conversation through the crack, but my ears were ringing and my stomach was sick again. After a minute, the stone wall behind me seemed to dissolve, with the apparently unforeseeable result of me falling backwards without the support.
Apollo caught me before I could fully hit the ground, thank Merlin. I wasn't sure my head could take another collision.
The rest of the night seemed to pass in a blur. Like literally, everything was fuzzy and dim as Apollo carried me on his back to the hospital wing, Professor McGongall leading the way while interrogating Melanie. Madame Pomfrey performed a quick but thorough assessment of our injuries, informing me how lucky I was that there would be no lasting damage. Finally, they let me lay down in the hospital bed.
I'm fairly certain I was unconscious before my head hit the pillow.