Renee shared a long look with Dean. She slowly took the fork out of his mouth and placed it on the plate. Her eyes were still fixated on his. Her face was expressing confusion, and a similar emotion was building on Dean's face. The fork slipped out of the plate but landed on the tray, making a noise which none of them seemed to pay attention to. She then picked up the tray and moved it away, placing it on the nightstand beside her bed. She realized breakfast didn't interest either Dean or her anymore. Hunger became a secondary need; lust a primary one. The tension was rising, and hit the high spot when Dean leaned toward her and for a slight moment switched from being fully focused on her eyes to reaching for her wavy hair, which caught his attention. He craved for touching it and feeling its softness. A smile appeared on his face as soon as he inserted wisps of her blond hair between his fingers. He played with her hair for a while, getting lost in the moment, before releasing it and putting a wisp carefully behind her ear. Then he moved his hand toward Renee's cheek and, while looking into her eyes again, caressed it tenderly.
The room was quiet. The loudest sound was that of their heartbeats. They forgot easily about the outside world. Nothing behind those walls existed. Reality was a distant memory, which was being replaced by the desires and the sight of the other person staring back at them. There were right things to do and there were wrong ones as well, but the difference between them seemed to have ceased to exist.
Saliva in their mouth was forming faster than usually, quickly filling the space and making it necessary for them to swallow. At the same time, the inside of their mouth was dry, though. There was plenty of contrast to spot, creating all those little battles, starting with rationality versus desire and ending with now or never. Essentially, they could be summed up in the ultimate the good versus the bad struggle.
In wasn't hard to notice that Dean was erasing the distance between them, step by step, and the chance for Renee to do something about it was closing. Dean positioned his right hand on the side of Renee's body, over the cardigan, but his hand quickly found a way to get underneath it. Renee shivered when his palm touched her soft skin. He wouldn't stay on that spot for long, though. First, he moved his hand up on top of Renee's shoulder to stop it from hiding underneath the piece of fabric. When he did that, his eyes lingered on the exposed shoulder for a while, his lips wishing to mark it with a kiss, while his brain was trying to stop him from doing so. His mind probably succeeded in convincing him that it was something he shouldn't do, because he moved away from it, slipping his hand down and taking both the blanket and the only piece of clothing she was wearing away from her. He uncovered her body and exposed it to the naked eye, to his eye. Her skin started to glow with sweat as his big hand found its place on her hip.
For a second, she realized what was going on, and she tried to protest and stop him. She opened her mouth to end that tense moment, but he noticed and he wouldn't let her do it. He placed his index finger on her mouth to prevent her from talking. His brain might have lost control over him, but he still remembered the game of silence and he kept it on. Moreover, he wanted her to join in, believing no words were necessary.
It surprised him that he was not confused. He was fascinated, though, both by the sight of Renee in her lingerie and himself. He was influenced a lot by what he was seeing. He was lost, but he did not want to be found.
At first, Renee thought it was strange that Dean was the one to hush her. He was always the one to have something to say. This time he was quiet. He hasn't spoken since he entered her room or, more precisely, since he broke into it. It was a little creepy to see him but not to hear him. But gradually, the vow of silence that this unexpected and uninvited guest was keeping was becoming a less important problem. His actions were the main issue that bothered Renee. And she needed some explanation.
She attempted to interrupt his contemplation one more time. But first, she shook her head, believing it would help her sort out her thoughts. Then she asked Dean, "What are you doing?" She was glad she succeeded in posing a question, but what would please her more was if he gave her an actual answer.
He kept looking at her. No words were coming out of his mouth, though. His pledge to stay quiet was not the matter this time. He, of course, knew what his original intentions were, but now they seemed blurred and even irrelevant. Why he has come to her room in the first place and why he has brought her breakfast was not important. She wanted to know why he was looking at her that way, why his hand was still resting on her side and why he was so close to her, crossing the friendship line and staying far beyond it. The truth was, he was interested in those answers just as much as she was, but he didn't know them. Therefore, he couldn't give them to her. It seemed to him that there were other reasons than her forgiving him behind his actions, reasons which could not be named.
„Dean?" she addressed him, hoping he would respond. Renee didn't know why he hasn't been speaking but, no matter what the cause of it was, she needed him to break the silence.
He heard her calling his name, but he paid little attention to it. She sounded urgent but that angelical voice of hers made it hard for him to focus on the meaning of her words. He listened to the charming melody but even if he wanted to, he couldn't wake up and regain enough consciousness for him to respond with a meaningful sentence.
"You can't do this," she whispered as she tried to be strong. She liked what he was doing; she liked it and she wished he would continue and finish what he started. She longed for him so much. But none of that mattered. The chemistry ceased to be important to her, rationality needed to take its place. She had to end the tense moment before something could go wrong. And in order to do so, she had to be strict, even when she risked looking rather cold.
Dean didn't understand, but he obediently rested his hand on his knee, and he kept his body in a safe distance from hers. She had his attention as he waited for her to explain why he had to stop. She didn't seem to be bothered by his actions before; in fact, he would swear she was enjoying it. But if stopping was what she wanted from him, then he would respect her decision. He even stood up, just to make her happy, as he believed that distance was something she wanted.
She wondered whether he believed what he was doing was alright and not at all inappropriate or he forgot about the fact that he was in a relationship and his actions toward Renee could result in cheating. She wished to know which one it was but she certainly wouldn't ask him. She wasn't ready to face the truth. Even if she knew, she couldn't do anything about it, and more importantly, both scenarios would make her feel worse than ignorance. Knowing he was just being her friend and in his eyes all these touches and looks of desire were acceptable would put her in a strange position. On the other hand, learning that he had feelings for her as well would cause her pain, considering he had a girlfriend. In that case, it would hurt her to know that he had chosen somebody else over her. Therefore, she reconsidered her wish and realized she didn't really want to know what his intentions were.
Both Dean and Renee were waiting for the other person to start talking and come up with some explanation but the room continued to be filled up with silence. Until now, silence was in some way acceptable but suddenly it was becoming unbearable and awkward. The longer they waited, the worse it was. Looking at Dean's face, Renee should have realized he wouldn't say anything. He was rather confused, but the source of his confusion was neither his action nor sudden enchantment by Renee, instead, he failed to see what it was that Renee wanted from him. When he acted authoritatively and tried to give her advice, although in a rather commanding way, she got mad. Now that he was being gentle, he hoped she would forgive him, but she seemed unhappy as well. What did he have to do to satisfy her?
"Can you talk to me, please?" she asked when she got out of the bed and approached him. "I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate what you've done for me," she started when he did not respond. "It was actually really sweet that you brought me pancakes and coffee, but it should have ended there. Look, Dean, I don't know what happened then, but I know it was wrong. I hope you see it. And I would really much appreciate if you started talking because right now you're freaking me out. All I'm asking for is some explanation, so why don't tell me why you're acting this way?"
"Why don't you tell me why you're acting this way?" he finally broke his quietness.
"What?" She couldn't hide that his request surprised her. He had a suspicion. Renee got nervous; she felt cornered by him. Now she wished he would stay quiet instead.
"Nothing I do is good enough," he kept talking.
She swallowed with difficulty and sighed deeply. "That's not true," she opposed.
"I thought that breakfast in bed would be a nice surprise. I thought you would forgive me for my earlier childish behavior, but you keep pushing me away," he expressed his thoughts. "I came to apologize, and for a second I thought I was doing well but then you started being hostile. And I'm sorry, but I don't really see where I went wrong, so why don't you tell me?" he asked as he sincerely wanted to know.
"Well . . ." she tried to find the right words, but there seemed to be none. She sighed. She knew he was probably thinking that her behavior was irrational now, but she couldn't do anything about it. She felt desperate and she longed for being able to tell him the truth. "You don't understand," she simply told him.
"You're damn right I don't," he replied. "I wanted to prove to you that I am your friend, and I would do anything for you, I would support you in your decisions, but seemingly you're not interested. You don't care that I try to make it up to you. You know, I got you tickets to a hockey game tonight. I asked Stephanie to give us a night off so that we could go to see your favorite team play, but it was useless, wasn't it?" He continued before Renee could interrupt him, "I made a pledge to myself not to speak, to use only actions to make you forgive me, believing I would screw up if I said something spontaneous, but either I fucked up even without talking or it doesn't matter to you. Or, there's a third option, I don't matter to you."
"That's not true, Dean," she said convincingly in a rather loud voice. She tried to make him believe she cared about him, a lot, but apparently she needed to do more to prove it to him. Unfortunately, she didn't know how.
Dean faked a smile and then he replied, "Tell me when you'll know what you want." He put his hand into his pocket, pulled out two tickets and handed them to Renee. He looked at her one more time before leaving her alone.