Renee appreciated Dean's initiative, but her mind kept thinking about what it all meant. Moreover, even though she really liked getting intimate with the person she cared so much about, an unknown feeling was building up. Feeling that would prevent her from enjoying the moment for which she waited so long. It was strange. She knew being there with Dean was what she wanted. She had her thoughts sorted out. Why was she freaking out then? She didn't let anything show, so Dean had no idea. Her heart was beating fast, but that was understandable; so was Dean's. There was another reason for her fast-beating heart, though; she was getting scared. She was losing the confidence that the situation was right. Dean told her not to think about it and forget about rightness or wrongness of what they were doing. In fact, there was really no doubt that there could be anything morally wrong with the situation. As Dean emphasized, they were both single. But what bothered her, what she believed the issue was, was that they were friends. At the moment, that friendship was secondary, if not tertiary. It was disappearing. Renee knew that would happen, but she didn't want to jump to "lovers" part. She wanted their relationship to develop naturally. Dean didn't tell her what his intentions were; but for what she has seen so far, he wouldn't mind getting in bed with her right away. She would mind. Eventually, she wanted it to happen, just not yet. It seemed too soon. Only few minutes ago, she didn't even know that Dean would stop by and kiss her, just like that. It was great, but she didn't see it coming. Now she kind of saw what was coming; unfortunately, she didn't think she was ready to do it.
Dean kept holding her close. Unlike Renee's mind, his was shut. He fully focused on his bodily desires and needs, and he meant to satisfy them. He noticed Renee's eyes were closed most of the time. He believed that it was a good sign. Her body seemed a little tensed, but he didn't give it any importance. Everything was all right, according to him. He kissed her, she responded. He moved his hand on her ass, she let him. Only when he decided to take his vest off, she stepped back.
"I'm gonna take a shower," she told him, trying to sound casually.
"Shall I join you?" Dean dared to ask, mainly as a joke, but if she said yes, he would be pleased to do so.
Renee's look gave him an answer. But he didn't consider his bold question an issue. He felt it was going well with her, so he could try his luck.
"I'll wait here," he added to assure her that he wouldn't force himself in.
Renee looked around to find some clean underwear she could wear afterwards. She remembered she left her nightwear underneath the bed sheet so she took it out, and headed for the bathroom. After three or four steps, though, she stopped and looked back at Dean, who was sitting in the armchair, making himself comfortable. He watched her as she gathered her things and walked away. He gave himself permission to think again, and came to conclusion that he was really glad he decided to break things off with Cassie, or that was how he allowed himself to remember it, and come to Renee, the person to whom he was gradually more and more attracted. He could really see this going somewhere. He hasn't had much time to think about it yet. Or, actually, there was enough time, he just wasn't in mood to give it some serious thinking. But even without that, now that he saw Renee, and he definitely saw her in a new light, he realized he wanted her to become part of his life. He was ready to move on from Cassie, with whom he hadn't been for long anyway, and start another chapter, this time with Renee. When he thought about her, he couldn't come up with a single thing that he didn't like about her, or a reason why he shouldn't want to be with her. She seemed perfect. He knew that she probably wasn't, but his mind idealized her and highlighted her virtues. At the moment, he viewed her as the queen of his dreams.
"Actually," Renee spoke and immediately caught his attention. "I think you should go."
He didn't understand. Why would she want him gone? Did he do something wrong? He certainly wasn't aware of screwing up. He was careful not to mess up this time. Of course, he did not plan ahead, but he believed that it would work in his favor. Now she wanted him to leave. Just like that.
Dean stood up and walked toward her. She was unintentionally moving away from him in attempt to create distance. He noticed that she was stepping back, so he stopped walking and let there be few feet between them. "Is it the vest?" He asked when he remembered her reaction to him taking it off.
"No," she responded and shook her head to reinforce her statement.
"Then?" He spread his arms in confusion.
Renee failed to give him an explanation of her behavior. She didn't really want him to leave, yet she said those words. She wished he would understand, but not even herself knew why she was asking him go away. His presence was what she longed for. It made no sense. She has been waiting for so long for this, and now, when he is standing in front of her, willing to take her in his arms and make her his, she chooses to be alone instead.
"Just go." The words were coming out of her mouth without her wanting them to come true. She ordered her arms to reach for him and her lips to connect with his, but there was zero obedience. Her actions confused her. Her emotions were out of place. She was supposed to be happy that he was finally there. Instead, she felt confused, absent, and scared. She was scared of it moving too fast. Why was he so calm? Why did he seem ready? He was supposed to be freaked out, not her. Virtually, she has been longer in this relationship. He found out about her feelings only recently. At first, he seemed confused and indecisive, unable to say what he felt for her. Now, his actions were confident. There was no doubt he knew what he wanted. Their roles were reversed. She was back at the beginning. Except, her feelings were not secret anymore. She exposed herself to him. There was no going back, and that was what terrified her the most. It felt too real. It was happening. While she has been only dreaming about being with him, he took action.
"Okay," Dean said after a while of considering what would be the best thing to do. He still did not understand what was going on, but if she needed to figure out what she wanted, he would grant her some time. It seemed strange that she was the one to back off, but he accepted it without further questions.
He didn't look at her again. He obediently left. She couldn't say if he was pissed off or not, but he had every right to be angry. She certainly was. Why would she let him go? Was she willing to take the risk of him not coming back? She wondered if fear, for which there was no reason, could really drive her to pushing him away. This might have been the only chance for her to be with him. He might not want to return after witnessing her moodiness. In an instance, she turned from a submissive, but confident woman to emotionally unstable one. She hated herself. She hated herself so much for making him leave. She wanted him. Her body disagreed with her decision, and her sane self refused to listen to the mixed signals her brain was giving her. She wanted to listen to her heart only.
All of the things that she was holding in her hands fell on the floor. Renee quickly moved toward the door, opened it in a hurry, and ran outside. She ran through the corridor and around the corner, but he was gone. She was left alone because of her stupid, thoughtless actions. There was no reason to stand there. She could follow him into his room, but it was too late anyway. And at the moment she was unable to explain him why she wouldn't let him seduce her. Therefore, she returned back. In front of her room, there was his mask. He must have forgotten he left it there. She picked it up and squeezed it in her hand. But she didn't take it inside. She placed it on the exact same spot where she found it and left it there.