Disclaimer: All characters belong to Cassandra Clare

A/N: To the guest who has questions about two Magnus: one Magnus is real and the other one is a robot. Just to clarify.

More at the end.

Chapter 14: What Had Given Away

Alec could remember every inch of this place. The Lightwood Mansion, where he had spent his first 18 years of life living there. Hide-and-seeks in the garden, late nights in one of the three bedrooms, breakfasts in the dining room and the chats and gaming in the living room. He could find his way blindfolded, especially in the library.

It was nice going back, even though nothing seemed to be the same anymore.

Ragnor skillfully parked the car in the garage. Before he could get out Hodge already went to open the door and welcomed Alec.

He bowed, eyes fixed on the ground. "Master Alexander."

Nodded to the butler Alec walked to the door connected to the hallway and was followed by Ragnor. To his siblings Ragnor was his personal guard so he could be with Alec to anywhere inside the house. It made him feel safe, even he was back to the familiar Mansion.

To his surprise, everyone was already in the living room. They were playing games, if he had it right. Cheers and curses were echoing in the hallway.

"Damn it! My vampire babies!" Simon yelled.

Jace soon said, with noises of buttons smashing. "Take that kick Seamus!"

"It's Simon." The glassed man added, "Oh no. No this isn't happening – "

"Bam – Right on your face, rogue Vampire!" Jace cried and he probably threw the controller on the floor as there was a loud crack on the wooden floor. "I told you: I am the best Shadowhunter in the world."

So they were playing The Shadow World. The corners of his mouth turned up a bit when he entered the living room, thinking the popularity of the game never weakened after ten years. He could see the reason why they were so hooked to it.

"Alec!" Isabelle jumped from her seat when she saw Alec emerged. She was holding a cushion in front of her chest. "We're waiting for you."

Her long inky hairs were tied into a neat ponytail, some short strands fallen over her face. She was pale but looking healthy, tank top showed off her battle scars on the forearms.

Clary, who was sitting beside her, waved a hello to Alec. The redhead was wearing a denim jacket with a white T-shirt underneath, a black cotton jeans and a pair of white canvas sneakers. Her curled hairs spread like waterfall on her shoulder and back.

"Yo, brother." Jace came near him and had his hands on his hip.

Unlike Isabelle who was still in her military cargo pants and brown combat boots, Jace was more casual. A V-neck plain cream T-shirt that brought out his light-tanned skin and form-fitting dark blue jeans. The taps of horsehide shoes stopped when Jace was an arm-length away.

He pocketed his hands. "You're so punctual. And I like that of you."

Alec grinned at his cocky smile as Simon mumbled, walking to Isabelle. "This is unbelievable."

Clary just said, "Well, he is Jace."

Jace never failed at his tasks, the ideal son and friend that everyone longed to have: the arrogant yet enchanting golden boy whom everyone wanted a bite. Except his higher-than-the-ceiling ego Alec couldn't dig out any bad thing about his step-brother. He was this perfect.

Cleared his throat, Jace swung back to Alec who was standing awkwardly near the door, still in his cloak. His cheeks flushed due to embarrassment and shame.

"We are all here now – why don't we start eating? I am starved!" He rubbed his belly and shot the three on the sofa a glance, started moving.

"I have to go for the bathroom first." Alec jumped out of their way. "See you guys there? You can start without me."

Crooked an eyebrow in question, Isabelle asked. "Why would we start without you?"

Sputtering, Alec answered. "Just… maybe you are hungry? Don't mind me if you are hungry, I mean, you can start eating first… don't mind me."

Nonetheless she agreed and so as anyone else despite of his silly response. Clary took the lead and out first. When they were exiting the living room with the TV screen still on, Jace who was right behind him, lifted his hand but within a second dropped it again.

He mumbled something that Alec couldn't make out and hooped to their front, hooked an arm around Clary's neck, ignored the small female's protest and let her drag his heavy body to the dining room down the hallway. Isabelle and Simon walked shoulder brushing shoulder, backs of their hands occasionally touched.

Parted from the group, Alec went the other end of hallway where the bathroom located.

Ragnor whispered as they entered and locked the door. Things were tidy inside, mirror on their left and a toilet at the far right corner.

"Do you want to take off your cloak?" He was leaning against the door as if someone would burst in without warning.

Alec thought for a minute, considering wearing such clothing would be an impolite thing to do, he nodded and loosened the string around his neck. "Yes. I would like that."

Under the cloak Alec had a black button down shirt and a dark gray dress pants.

Because of the dinner Ragnor was wearing a formal white dress shirt with rolled up sleeves and a pair of black suit pants. His swimmer-built body flexed as he stepped forward and hung the piece of clothes on his right arm, making himself a walking cloth stand.

Alec stroked his neck with the gloved hand while looking at his own reflection in the mirror. His neck was pale and blood vessels jumped as the fluids pumped through. Imposing pressure on his throat, it was so easy to end one's life. A cut, a pair of strong hands – pulses quickened at his thoughts. Alec backed away from the mirror.

"Alec, your gloves." Ragnor pointed out, "Do you want to –"

"No." Instantly his hands fell back down and he rubbed them nervously. He would like to get rid of them, but not yet. He hadn't prepared for this step.

Without saying anything Ragnor turned to his robotic mode and remained expressionless, both pulled themselves back together and traveled the long hallway.

In the grand dining room, in the middle was a round-edged rectangular mahogany dining table matched by wood chairs with floral cravings. Plates and silverware neatly arranged for each seat. Under close examination the tips and edges of utensils were painted abstract lines in gold coating. A white chandelier with crystal butterfly pendants lit up the cold environment.

Jace settled at the end of the long table with Isabelle on his right and Clary on his left. Alec took his usual spot opposite to Simon, who was sitting next to Clary.

Uneasily shifted in his seat, the squeaking of his chair joined their heated conversation. No one seemed to bother with the fact that Alec just strode in and sat down. Alec just received some friendly glances from the four.

Unable to make eye contact his eyes were attracted to Simon's green T-shirt that had an endless mouth roaring, two sharp fangs all bloody on his chest. The tongue was wriggling like a snake.

Alec averted it and chose to stare at the silverware in front of him. They were collected by their ancestors and passed on the generations. Exquisite arts that values remained after years and the time only weathered them into a better piece.

His track of time was lost: there were months of blankness he was searching for in these two years. Time left traces yet there, in his life a spring was missing and nothing came out from the black hole. The closest thing he remembered, was Luke cradling him in the backseat of a car. A blanket wrapped around his body. Luke whispered and told him not to emit a sound. Not until they were safe.

"Alec," He flinched a little when the corner of his eyes caught a hand-shape shadow. "You don't like the food?" Isabelle asked and put her hand back down on the table edge.

He hadn't realized the food was delivered. He looked up, Simon was sniffing the expensive wine in his glass while Jace and Clary debated hotly over something. When Jace ended it with a short snort Clary took a piece of steak furiously, that Alec suspected her teeth were grating the fork.

A shiver ran through and Alec returned to his sister, said. "I was just thinking."

"And do you mind telling me?" She leaned and chest rested against the wood, looking up to him with a hinted concern in her dark brown eyes.

The way she sat and how she stared at him made Alec have the illusion that they were still young back in the middle school, when they were still having dinner with each other on this table.

"Stuff from work. It's been a busy week." Trying to be reassuring he delivered a fork of spaghetti to his mouth and licked his lips. "It is very delicious."

Isabelle looked at him as if he had gone mad. "Of course, the molecule machine made it." She glimpsed at the pair and Simon, "Anyway, we haven't talked for a long time. How long are you going to stay?"

His gloved fingers fiddled with the fork and spaghetti whirled into a ball. He had missed them a very great deal, the problem was that he didn't know how to deal with the struggles in their eyes when they couldn't touch their brother.

He might be sick yet their frightened gestures did not escape from his eyes. The quick withdrawals of hands and how tensed their bodies were as they tried to lock their hands on the back, fingers crossed and twisted compressing the usual body contacts when each other met.

"A while, I guess. But I don't want to get home too late."

"Oh." Isabelle said, turning to her plate. "Okay."

Alec turned his head away. A simple pat on the shoulder was an impossible mission for him. Dull pain hammering his chest.

The dinner went like usual. The four of them engaged in a conversation and Alec observed from aside. They talked about clothes and politics, celebrities and movies and music, things that Alec had nothing to say.

"Speaking of the war," Jace started and Clary suddenly frowned in anger. "I have a big news to announce."

The tip of his middle finger traveling on the edge of the wine glass, sparkles in his golden luminous eyes. Isabelle urged but with doubts in her voice. "Spill it."

He stood up with the glass in his right hand, arms spreading out like an eagle. "Well, I am going to Fenris."

At that everyone's eyes widened in horror, except Clary who simply sat with a strong jaw. And Alec, who looked confused because he had no idea where Fenris was. But due to the tension inside the room he decided not to speak up. His could wait.

Simon asked, "Are you serious?"

"Why didn't you tell me? When? How?" Isabelle's questions shot like bullets from a machine gun.

Jace's grin faded. "Oh yeah, I'm dead serious. I got the call last week. You must have heard the rumors, haven't you?"

"You're not going, Jace! That's it!" Isabelle tossed her fork and knife on the desk and stood up, her chair being pushed inches away.

"Try stopping me, Izzy. This is what we do and I thought you would be happy for me. I guess not." Jace retorted, now hands folded in front of his chest.

"Say something, Clary. You don't want him to go, do you?" Isabelle was seeking Clary's support, yet the redhead just stated. "You can't stop Jace."

Isabelle kicked her chair backward and stormed out of the dining room, Simon apologized quickly and chased after her. Clary sat with her hands under the table, fidgeting for sure and stared blankly at her plate.

"Are you going to say something, Alec?" Jace spat, putting the wine down.

Alec shook his head.

"Good. Because you're the only one that respects my choice." Clary sighed at his words while Jace stomped besides Alec. "Come with me. I have something for you."

Then he slipped past Alec and Ragnor, who was fighting to control his expression. Alec looked at Clary. She smiled bitterly to him.

"You want…?" He said, "Maybe you can stay in the living room first. I will talk to Jace and –"

However, she waved a sign that silently shut him up. "Jace is Jace; you can't talk him out when he has made up his mind." She stood and downed a huge gulp of wine before leaving. "See you, Alec."

As someone who had known Jace for years, Alec was speechless in situation like this: Clary was right. Jace did things on his own pace for glory and heroism. He watched Clary disappeared from the door frame and a guard robot whooshed across the hallway, right on her heels.

Alec pushed himself up. Plates and drinks abandoned, Seelie came out from the servant door at the end of the dining room and cleaned the table.

"Master Alexander," She said before started the tidying up. "Master Jace is waiting for you in your room."

"Thanks." Mumbled, Alec slipped a glance to Ragnor before setting off. The floor thudded softly with their footsteps. Up the staircase Alec scooted to the right side.

Bright white light was coming from the gap of his bedroom door. Crept in, Jace was sitting on a simple wooden chair that Alec built it when he was thirteen, with his back facing the door. His feet was up high on Alec's dusty desk, swinging along his humming.

"Sneaky, aren't we?" With a smooth motion Jace kicked the desk and the chair rotated so that Alec came face to face with the golden man.

"I am not." Alec answered and closed the door. Ragnor waited outside like a normal robot would.

His room now was so strange to him. The shelves of books and gadgets were gone, also his desk was completely full of nothing. There used to be piles of toys and useless things that he crafted in woods and metals. The time were far away down the memory lane, yet Alec had the scenes flashed in front of his eyes: he had spent numerous nights doing handicraft to enhance his dexterity and adroitness.

They were gone now. The desk was covered in dusts.

"Whatever." Jace huffed and crossed his legs, the shape of a knife became evident in his inner thigh when he moved. "I am pretty sure you have nothing to say because you don't even know what Fenris is."

Blushed, Alec stammered. "Jace… you know I don't watch news." There was a humiliation that even Simon knew. Maybe he had been too detached from the society.

"Yes, I know." The light made his hairs glowed and Alec had no idea it was possible for it to be more golden. "But you know the war between us and the transformed, right?"

Getting a nod from Alec, Jace continued. "The Allies decides to attack their headquarter, or so called of it. Fenris is the place where the first transformed was born and it has been a holy ground for those creatures, also the majority of the breeding takes place there." His voice was stained with despise. "The plan is that we sneak into their layers and destroy their eggs. Crush their confidence. I am picked by the Clave. That's obvious though, no soldier is better than me."

Only by hearing it Alec could feel how dangerous it was. Alec hastily asked, gloved hands nervously clutching his elbows. "Why not nuke them? I am sure – "

"Alec, I have no intentions to pop your little bubble but their shield is strong like ours. Any forms of denotation would alarm them. I don't care much any those technical thingy as long as they are taken care of. My duty is to eliminate their breeding facilities."

Jace explained, his head tilted to one side to observe Alec, who paled to a degree that he was like a corpse.

Alec gulped. "You didn't mention how you get out from there."

The silence was thick and cold. Jace finally admitted with his eyes fixed on the ground. "No I didn't."

His knees shook and nearly collapsed on the ground. Jace reached out his hands trying to steady Alec but soon drew back. Alec smiled weakly and leaned to the wall, showing he was fine.

"Jace, you –"

He began but was interjected by a stern stare. "Don't start."

— never think about how that leaves us feel. Alec thought of the things he wanted to say but he was never good with words.

"You are my brother; tell me how am I supposed to feel when I know you're going to a suicide mission? I'm not saying you should stay but I don't want you to go either." Alec confessed and gnawed his bottom lip.

The golden man sighed and threw his head back. "I know, Alec. See, I'm doing it for everyone's good. For those innocents out there. If you were me, you would do the same. Wouldn't you?"

"Of course!"

"Then don't worry about me." Jace said with his determination glistening within the gold irises. His eyes turned soft quickly. "I have something for you."

He fished out a small gift box in Alice blue, a tiny ribbon knotted on top. Being thoughtful Jace placed it on the desk after blowing some of dusts off. "Here."

"You're… and you have the time to buy me gift?!" Alec said with utter disbelief. His brows furrowed so deep that it hurt.

Rolled his eyes Jace pointed at the box. "I didn't buy it, okay? Just open it. It is a gift for your seraph blade."

Hesitated for a moment, Alec snatched the box from the desk and Jace grinned merrily. His eyebrows dancing, telling Alec to open the lid. Pursed his lips into a thin line Alec untied the ribbon, his eyes quickly fell to the item lying inside after taking the lid off.

Aghast, Alec raised his head and saw Jace's satisfied smug grin.

"It took me quite an effort to get it back." Jace smirked.

Alec lowered his head again as his attention back to the Lightwood family ring. An L in the middle with fires leaped along the ring. With his gloves, Alec traced the concave lines.

"You don't have to." He whispered. "How do you know?"

"Rumors pass around and one day I persuaded him."

"You mean threatened." Alec frowned deeper.

"Details." Jace threw his hands up in the air. "And he was willingly to give it back to its owner."

Alec felt tears were welling up in his eyes. How was he able to repay this? Jace looked out for him and got his ring back. Yet he did nothing in return. A 19 year old went straight to the enemies' nest and probably wouldn't be back. While he was hiding in a distant neighborhood for non-known reasons.

He wanted so bad to hug the younger male but his fear prevented him from doing so. Angels, when did he become so useless?

"Th – thanks." Stuttering, Alec closed the lid and held it tightly in his hands. Jace stood up and nearly patted him on his shoulder, yet he went for the door instead.

When he opened the door shouts were echoing in the hallway. Jace said in slight annoyance. "Izzy is just jealous she isn't chosen."

Alec gave a bitter smile as his brother held the door for him. Walking out, he commented. "What do you expect her – and us to do?"

"Be happy for me."

"I am, but I wish to be in some other ways."

They walked downstairs in silence, with yells and shushes in the background. Jace accompanied him to the garage and Hodge appeared from nowhere, reporting the departure of Clary.

Nipping his nose bridge wearily Jace waved goodbye at Alec who was in the backseat already. "Next time, brother!"

Alec couldn't peel his eyes off Jace even after they were on the road and the gate was shut.

"He is a tough guy." Ragnor said.

Vikram was too bright for stars to be discovered. He sat back down, eyes set on the horizon when a wave of scan appeared on the sky. The moon seemed gray and everything on the streets, too.

"I know." Alec said, fingers found the box under the cloak. "That's what worries me."

When Alec was discharged from the hospital he found himself a house in Pepin, a small district near the border. It was small but enough for his living. The neighborhood was quiet and peaceful, since each house was miles away. An ideal place for him to recuperate.

It was the first winter. The house was warmed up by the heating system and he was working on a robotic arm for a customer recommended from Simon. Aline was out in the garden taking care of the plants and Ragnor was reading some news on a tablet.

His hands shook when the doorbell rang. It was uncommon for Alec to have guests.

Ragnor threw the tablet on the sofa and went to the door. Alec focused back on the parts joining the wires. From the hallway he heard voices spoke at speed, soon the butler came back.

"Alec, it is Mr. Blackthorn. Do you wish to see him?"

"Did he say his first name?" He dropped his crafting pen. It rolled off and crashed one of the components.

Ragnor said with a worried expression. "Mark. I can send him away."

Mark. The boy he had not seen for six months and who he had no intention to meet again, came to his doorstep and asked for a meeting? Alec surely wanted to see Mark, to see his love more than ever.

"No. I'd like, to see him. Of course." Alec stood up and rubbed his dirty hands on his pajamas. He just wore a smudged gray sweatshirt. "I'll go get changed."

With that he sprinted to his bedroom. The universe must think this was some kinds of sick joke.

"Okay! I will let him wait in the living room!" Ragnor shouted at his back. However, Alec was in a panic: Mark, he was going to see Mark. The handsome boy he had shared everything with.

He didn't know how to face him with his conditions spreading on the table. But there was no backing down as he heard Ragnor invited Mark into their living room. Through the wall he could hear the gentle voice expressing his gratitude to Ragnor for making him teas. It was muffled, but there was still the softness that had Alec melted when Mark whispered into his ears.

Slipped into a black baggy jeans and a clean gray over-sized hoodie, Alec combed his hairs but gave up when strands tipped their heads up. Opened his bedroom door discreetly his eyes darted around. Aline was at the kitchen door looking at him, face and apron smeared with dirt.

He quickly put his index to his lips, telling her to be quiet. She went back to kitchen within a second.

Tiptoeing, Alec took a deep breath before he turned the corner and entered the living room. Mark was sitting on the ground, inspecting the piles of parts of a robotic arms on the coffee table, one hand held a cup of hot tea. A ring shone under the light. The blue and golden eyes found his once his presence was noticed.

"Alec." Mark smiled, and patted the space next to him. "It's been a long time."

Controlled his urge to throw himself on the blond boy Alec chose to sit where Ragnor had occupied. He took the tablet and clutched it in his hands. "Yes."

His small voice was picked up with no mistake by Mark. Sensing his distant response Mark was not discouraged. He moved a bit closer but remained on the floor, Alec's ankles recoiled when his hands nearly touched him. The pale body tensed.

"I should be there." Mark said lowly, while looking down at his tea.

Alec turned his head away and his toes curled, hands tightened their grasp. If there was someone to be blamed, there was no one. It happened because of many factors. Even if Mark was there with him when he was attacked, it was hard to say Alec would definitely be alright. It was all bunch of 'what ifs'.

"You were sick that day." Stated Alec, "No one can say for certain."

Mark exhaled a breath before he choked. "But Alec I feel so bad after hearing… the incident. If I was there things might be different." His astonishing eyes had pains and guilt, staring into Alec's. He reached out a hand and placed it on the sofa, inches away from Alec's thigh.

Instantly his eyes laid on the silver ring on Mark's ring finger. Alec had given it to Mark years ago. However, he had returned the Blackthorn family ring to Mark as soon as he was able to. Aware of his own condition, it was impossible for them to be together now. He didn't want to be his burden. Mark could have a bright future.

Mark put the tea down and pocketed out a ring with thorny branches. He held it up. "Take it back, Alec. Please. Forgive me if I have ever done something wrong –"

"You've done nothing wrong, Mark." Alec finally said his name. It was so heavy on his tongue that he felt like he was going to be smashed by the stones on his shoulders. "I am not… I am not your Alec anymore."

"I don't care. Take it back, Alec, take me back." Mark was now kneeling, one hand rested next to Alec's knees on the sofa and one hand holding the ring in front of Alec.

The familiar scent of fresh grasses became thicker when Mark was right there in front of him. Alec lowered his head and stared at the ring between the fingertips. He didn't know what heartbreak felt like, only from those movies and dramas Isabelle forced him to watch with her. But now, he had a taste of it and it torn him apart. A force slayed him in half.

Without thinking Alec pushed Mark's hand away that their hands touched the lean chest. Their bare fingers for a short while interlaced together. He touched so nice and lovely but a chill ran up from the bottom of his spine. "I want you to leave."

Then he imposed more force and Mark was shoved against the coffee table, the furniture squeaked as it moved. Alec dashed out and ran for his bedroom.

"Alec!" Mark called but Alec shut the door right on his face. Mark almost beat the door down. "I'm sorry! Did I hurt you?"

He slid down against the door with his heavy breathing. With a huge bulge between his legs he sat distorted on the floor, tears flooding. He pressed hard on his crotch, listening to Mark's begging.

"Mr. Blackthorn." Ragnor's voice came strong. The beating stopped as the butler tore the boy away. "You should leave."

Alec bit on his palm. Rustles and door shut, Ragnor knocked on his door. "He's gone."

He let out his sobs and the tears fell down his cheeks. Choking his breaths Alec curled into a ball and laid there on the ground, wailing like a banshee came to life.

The pain was too great that he couldn't breathe. Hands clutched on his chest, Alec's cries finally calmed down. Hiccupping, he didn't bother to wipe his tears away since all dried on his pale bloodless face. He remembered the first time he talked with Mark, the first time they kissed and the first time they slept together. And now, from this point Mark Blackthorn would be someone in the past he couldn't reach.

He had to let him go. His family wouldn't accept Alec, not someone like this.

His erection was still throbbing, yearning to be touched and released. Closed his eyes, Alec sneaked his hands under his jeans. Biting his bottom lips Alec started pumping and the shame had his dignity crumbled.

He never saw or heard from Mark again.

"How is Alec?" Jeremiah asked. They were passing a checkpoint and the guards let them go freely. Ragnor took the highway to Pepin.

"The new prescription has more side effects." Ragnor reported. "Grogginess, mostly. It happens from time to time but it is worst in the morning. Alec couldn't exercise because of this. And the nightmares..."

A left turn.

"Um, we can get back to the old one." He jotted the notes on his tablet.

"Anything big happened this week?"

Ragnor said. "We have a new robot and Alec went to a family dinner."

"A new bot?" That was something new. He stroke his chin.

"Yeah, you will see him once we got there." Ragnor ended the conversation and his attention fully put on the driving, regardless there was nothing but them on the road.

When they arrived at Alec's house Ragnor opened the door for him. Jeremiah was welcomed by a grinning Aline and a new male robot when he traveled through the hallway to the living room. Ragnor was right behind.

The new robot was a handsome fellow despite of his weird clothing. His hairs black like Alec's, but it was spiked into different direction with glitters shining under the lights. There were make-ups on his exotic face, eyeliners around his golden-green cat-like eyes and lips applied red lip gloss. Four buttons were undid from his collar and revealed a lean bronze chest. Sleeves rolled up, the pink dress shirt matched his slightly unfitting gunmetal jeans. Like the others, his feet were bare of shoes.

"This is…?" His question trailed off and Ragnor quickly filled him in.

"Magnus. Alec bought him last week." Ragnor did the introduction. "And this is Jeremiah, Alec's psychiatrist."

Magnus nodded to him and Jeremiah returned a smile before getting into the living room. For Alec's phobia Jeremiah would hold their meetings in Alec's house, so as to let Alec to be more comfortable with the environment.

As usual, the robots left them alone and stayed in the kitchen. In the living room Alec was sitting on the wingback armchair, fingers playing something on his chest as Jeremiah settled down on the sofa.

"What did you do in the past seven days?" He started off from easy questions because Alec was spacing out. But he answered nonetheless with his eyes fixed on the fireplace opposite the sofa. It was burning something that smelled of sandalwood.

"I went a trip to the black market and had a dinner with my siblings. And working."

"Magnus is lovely, isn't he?"

The topic of Magnus woke him. Alec tilted his head and the blue eyes looked at him, but not directly. They landed on his knees. A typical behavior of Alec. "He is. What… do you feel about him?"

"My opinion is irrelevant." He added as Alec shot him a firm glance. "If you insist. Magnus is the same kind with Ragnor and Aline."

"Is it that obvious?" Alec asked. His back straightened.

"No. I bet Ragnor must have told him. They greeted me at the hallway, so it is obvious if they want to be." Jeremiah clarified. "He is charming, though his style might not be my cup of tea."

Alec let out a short giggle at that, head rested on his palm. Something flashing around his neck. A necklace, Jeremiah made out the shape. The pendant was under his hoodie.

"Ragnor had told me you let Magnus stay in your bedroom."

The blue-eyed man mumbled something resembled 'a big mouth'. "Yes. But we didn't do anything more. He sits next to my bed and I sleep. That's all."

"This is a huge progress. Ragnor even told me you don't have nightmare every day now. Magnus has good influence on you."

"I guess so." Alec replied halfheartedly and hands went back to play with the pendant through his hoodie. Jeremiah saw Alec had no desire to continue this topic, so he changed it.

"How was the dinner?"

Alec dropped his hand again and it rested awkwardly on top of his crossed knees. "Let me guess, Ragnor must have told you something."

Jeremiah said as he leaned forward. "Well, I want to hear it from you. Ragnor has nothing to do with how you think about the dinner."

Sighed, Alec swept his already shambolic hairs. He adjusted his position. "Jace dropped a bombshell. He is going to Fenris." Jeremiah's eyebrow raised at that.

"You don't want him to go."

"Do I look like I want to?" Alec mocked, and rummaged his hairs again. "The worst thing is, I can't hug him when he needs me to. A pat would be enough but even that I can't give him!"

His cheeks flushed for his fury and his voice raised. Chest rise and fell rapidly. Face buried into his palms. Jeremiah sat closer but remained a distance. The event of Jace going to a battle wouldn't had his emotions swung this extreme: it must have triggered something. Jeremiah did a double take.

"It isn't only about Jace." He pointed out.

"My ring is back."

His finger hooked the necklace and with a clean draw a ring was dangling in midair. The letter L representing the Lightwood family huge in the center, surrounded by balls of flames.

"Mark returned it?" If the incident with Mark was involved in this, he wouldn't be surprised if Alec broke down like this. It was the last time he touched a human, almost two years from now. The boy he had loved so much that they even exchanged their family rings. He couldn't help but think, if Alec wasn't kidnapped maybe they were already married and had a family of their own.

Alec only managed to shake his head. "Jace made him."

"Tell me, Jeremiah. Why am I like this?" Alec choked, signaling an incoming outburst.

"Alec," He called out.

"I want my memory back. I want to remember." Alec sounded he was in pain. His jaw clenched as he said those words. "I want to know why I've become something like this. I want to be normal!"

At the end Alec shouted and he lifted his head, tears of anger and frustration accumulating within his eye frames. The blueness that once pure were polluted by agony, blemished by the cruelty of Sebastian Verlac.

"This isn't your fault."

"Then whose?" Alec gripped at his own hairs.

With his back facing the entrance, Alec didn't know Ragnor was eavesdropping outside. Jeremiah saw a horn sticking out.

Alec couldn't be touched, so he could only use words to comfort him.

"Alec, if you want to," He offered, even though it infringed the rules. "You can go to the black market and ask someone to help with your memories."

His sobs slowed down. Jeremiah knew he was listening so he went on. "But you must understand this. Memory wipe could only be carried out under patient's consent. Two years ago you approved this operation when you were considered to be in a rational state."

Alec's breath hitched.

"You are a smart man, Alec. The reasons behind are not hard to figure out. Sometimes, ignorance could be a blessing. Even in your case." He finished and decided to call this session to an end. Alec needed time to cool himself down and think. Nothing could be rushed under this circumstance.

Jeremiah had thought he had seen everything and he was capable to separate work and feelings. Yet it reminded him he was a human whenever he thought of Alec. The emotions would always have a piece of you.

Before the memory wipe any movement would startle him, so terrified that he would develop incontinence. He couldn't sleep when there was someone inside the same room. He was paranoid of being poisoned, had delusion that something was strangling him that he scratched his neck until it bled. Anyone had black hairs or dark eyes drove him crazy. He would retreated to the corner of the room, hoping to be invisible. He couldn't be touched at first, neither robots nor humans. It was only after a while that he allowed the robot nurses to get close to him without having an involuntary erection.

Alec had been better after the operation At least he wasn't scared by the coloring and hallucinations didn't occur anymore. However, the price was that the present was troubled by a decision made by himself in the past. Drugs had to be taken to prevent future memory reappearance, yet they disguised as dreams and invaded into his brain. He was too sensitive to human body contact but without knowing the reasons why: Alec once had thought he was going nuts.

Jeremiah was accompanied by Ragnor when returning. Because of the long traveling Ragnor would pick him up and drove him back to the hospital. He tried to relax after the short session, let his eyes wander around the quiet neighborhood where mostly empty highways and roads.

The trip was unusually quiet. In the midway he felt sleepy, but the night was just getting started. He was old now as a mundane. At the age of 59 he should be in retirement. However, Jeremiah felt it was his mission to help people, even gradual changes were uneasy to notice.

He was woken by the shaking of his shoulder. Looking around, they were in the hospital's parking lot. Ragnor's hand was on him.

"We're here." He said. The old man smiled to the butler and stepped out, waved a goodbye to Ragnor before he drove back.

Walking in the empty parking lot, he heard the sounds of engine faded in the background. His chest, suddenly tightened and pains shot through his whole body. Jeremiah knelt for the constant wave of agony attacked him along with each of his heartbeat. His hands clutched on his shirt and he growled, strength lost to nowhere. Collapsed on the ground, the last thing he heard was the disordered footsteps.

A/N:

This chapter reveals the condition of Alec, I guess you guys can guess what causes it. Should I let Alec have his memory back?

A review would be highly appreciated:D!

And good day to all of you.