A/N: This story is definitely harder to write than the last. I'm hoping it'll start flowing better soon. The beginning is always the most awkward, I guess.

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Chapter 4: Of All-Consuming Pain

John Potter's funeral was a tasteful and subtle affair, though none could remember much of it through the tears. Many came, and all mourned deeply, and as they set his body into the ground, Rowan felt something in the wind turn cold. He had been a bright presence, and the loss of his light in the days of war made the Wizarding world seem much darker. The end of the year slipped by quietly without much notice from the grieving Order.

Julia Potter had recovered at St. Mungo's but remained weak. She moved in with the Delacroixs and had been spending most of her time in her room alone, mourning her husband quietly. The Potter house remained empty after one more sweep through a few days after John's death, as James and Julia had been unable to step into their old home without succumbing to the memories of Christmas Eve in a bout of grief. Remus, Sirius, Rowan and Richard had gone together to gather some of the Potters' belongings and had remained silent coming and going, each wordlessly praying that they'd never have to step foot there again.

Just as Sirius had assumed, the Ministry hadn't been able to help the Potter family at all. The Order scoured through their lists of known Death Eaters, but James couldn't recognize any of them. The men who had murdered John Potter were still at large, and though Sirius, Mina, and James spent all of their spare time at the Auror department looking for clues, they continued to come up dry.

Rowan was growing concerned for James for he had begun to show behaviors beyond the normal indications of grief. He took on more and more missions for the Order and returned from each with a strange mania in his eyes that frightened all of them, particularly Lily. Lily confided in Rowan and Mina that he hadn't touched her in weeks, and she was often too scared to sleep in the same bed with him as he thrashed wildly and often woke screaming in the middle of the night with blind rage. Even bold Gideon had reprimanded him a couple of times for being too reckless, though James hadn't taken the stern words to heart.

Rowan was hoping to speak to James about it after their next mission together, as they had been partnered with Arthur Weasley and Gideon Prewett again for a protection mission. It was similar to their previous one for the Macdougals, though it was supposed to be less dangerous. Emmeline Vance and Dedalus Diggle also were there for backup, but the team was hoping that they would be able to get things done quickly and cleanly without resorting to the last pair's assistance.

Arthur and Rowan were hidden within the bushes, Disillusioned, watching the doorway of the Moira family's house with bated breath. James and Gideon were hidden in another group of bushes beneath James' Invisibility Cloak. Again, Rowan mused that time seemed to slow in the dark and was quickly growing impatient when a series of tendrils smoked out of the darkness into the cold light of the front porch. Two Death Eaters appeared, masks glinting. Rowan and Arthur had just silently aimed their wands to the ground to release their trapping enchantments at the Death Eaters' feet when they jumped at a loud shriek.

James had burst from his hiding spot with a shrill battle cry against procedure with Gideon frantically groping after both his partner and the Invisibility Cloak but to no avail. Rowan felt like she was moving through water with the waves crashing in her ears as she saw a flash of green light barely miss the top of James' head as he shot forward, tackling one of the Death Eaters to the ground.

"James!" she screamed, jumping from her hiding spot and throwing a Stunning Spell at the attacking Death Eater, but he deflected it just in time. Arthur had scrambled after her in an attempt to get her to stay hidden but ended up tumbling after her, a mess of flailing limbs. He shielded them both barely as the Death Eater threw another Killing Curse at them. Gideon took the moment to attack him from behind, landing a Stunner at his back, and the masked figure fell to the ground with a grunt.

But another group of four Death Eaters broke from the darkness, attacking the Order members with flashing hexes. James finally managed to knock out the Death Eater he'd been wrestling and scrambled to his feet, charging at the next one he saw.

Rowan felt a surge of blinding fear as she saw him running into the heat of the battle without any Shield Charms. He was throwing spells blindly, narrowly missing Gideon, who luckily dodged a red flash of light.

"THAT FUCKING IDIOT!" the older man screamed, luckily hitting one of the remaining Death Eaters with a Stunning Spell just before he was about to throw a hex at James. Rowan was trying desperately to follow James' path, throwing Shield Charms at him while also attempting to preemptively hit the Death Eaters with her own hexes before they could attack the manic young man.

Emmeline and Dedalus suddenly burst from the house to help their comrades, and Rowan felt immense relief at seeing the Death Eaters being pushed back. One fled as he saw that he was being overpowered, and another fell unconscious at a flash of red light. Just as Rowan was about to curse the last, she saw a glimmer of blue light erupting from the tip of the Death Eater's wand, aimed directly at James, who was still throwing curses in a drunken rage. A wave of sickening panic overcame her, and before she could stop herself, she'd launched her body into his. She felt her feet leave the ground and her body slam into his, throwing him down violently. She heard Arthur shout and throw red at the Death Eater and saw the figure collapse.

But just as the dark form hit the ground, she felt an excruciating pain hit her side in a searing cold light and then felt a crack somewhere in her torso as she hit a tree and tumbled to the ground. She heard rather than felt herself cry out in pain.

But then there was a cold burning at her side, and she couldn't stop screaming. It was eating her skin, searing it, burning it. It was freezing cold, but it burned. It burned! She didn't know if it was her own voice that was screaming or someone else – it sounded so otherworldly, so disembodied. Could that really be her screaming?

There were hands on her, holding her limbs down, but she tore wildly at her restrainers. She was blind with white light behind her eyes, so bright and painful. Her head felt like it was splitting open, and she was tearing, scratching at robes and skin and dirt – anything she could to make the pain stop. She wanted to tear her own skin off. She felt herself lose consciousness in the agony. Everything went white, and the last thing she remembered was the sound of her own screaming.

"Rowan."

Someone was calling her. They were so far though. Everything sounded so muffled, so distant. Her head pounded with her own heartbeat. It was deafening. It was so difficult trying to open her eyes. They seemed to be fifty times heavier than they'd been before. Someone needed to pry her eyelids open.

Then there was a dull ache in her back as she attempted to move. She couldn't though. Her limbs felt so heavy. Why couldn't she move? Her side was freezing cold. Or was it burning? She couldn't tell. It felt cold, but it seared dully like an old burn. Why was she feeling this way?

She finally was able to creak open one eye and saw that she was lying on her back on a hard surface and there were stars above her. Was she in the dirt? Had she died and woken just as they were about to bury her?

"Rowan!"

She forced her other eye open but couldn't move her head. Her neck felt so stiff, and her head felt even heavier than her limbs. She wasn't sure if she couldn't even open her mouth to speak. Did she have a voice? Her body felt so tired.

A mop of messy dark hair appeared in her vision, then a pair of glasses. Oh. James.

"Rowan," he whispered. His eyes were bright, and there was a bright red bruise on his cheek. Had she done that to him? No, she couldn't remember hitting him. How had she gotten there to begin with?

"Rowan," he said again. "I'm so sorry," he whispered frantically. "I'm so sorry. I can't… I can't believe what you just did. Y-you… It's so stupid. I'm so stupid. I'm so sorry," he rambled in a rushed breath.

She didn't know what he was talking about, and she still couldn't move her head. Her eyelids still felt so heavy. She closed them again and tried to remain conscious when she felt an icy blue jolt to her chest that shot up her spine with a gasping breath. She shot up and choked on her own lungs, holding her stomach as it cramped with the painful coughing. Her throat seared. She looked up finally and saw Emmeline holding her wand with a grim look on her face – she must have used some rejuvenating charm on her.

Finally, the battle came rushing back to her in a reeling flash. The hex, the pain, James.

She turned toward her friend and saw him flinch slightly at her gaze. The rage surged through her in a blinding heat, and she threw her fist out, colliding it with his jaw.

He grunted in pain and fell backward onto an elbow. Her hand ached from the bony collision, but she relished it and almost wanted to hit him again.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" she shouted at him. She smacked him hard, open-palmed, against his arm with an echoing slap as he sat up again. He flinched in pain but accepted it.

"You nearly killed all of us!" she shrieked. "Do you have any idea how fucking stupid you are? I nearly died because of you! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

James stared at the ground with loose hands, kneeling beside her, as if posed to accept her punishment. The pathetic look on his face didn't soften her anger, however, and she had to suppress the urge to slap him again. But another cold searing pain shot through her head, and she doubled over in agony, clutching her throbbing skull with a soft whimper.

James jerked up at the sound of her pain, but she flailed an arm out wildly to prevent any of her teammates from touching her, afraid that the contact would be too much to handle. She rocked silently for a moment, clutching her eyes shut before starting again.

"Seriously, you stupid fucking bastard," she whispered venomously. She was in too much pain to muster more voice, but her anger was still so overwhelming that she needed to berate him more. "Have you even once stopped to consider what your mother would do if you got hurt? What Lily would do?" she whispered. She felt her eyes sting and wasn't sure if it was from her anger or pain. "You're getting married soon, aren't you? Grow the fuck up already!"

James stared dumbfounded at her silently. The older members remained standing awkwardly, watching the two younger members' emotional exchange, unsure of how to comport themselves. James' fingers clutched the icy dirt next to Rowan but didn't touch her out of fear that she'd lash out at him again or that he'd hurt her. She was still clutching her head in pain but had stopped rocking, seemingly containing it better.

When she opened her eyes and looked up at him, squinting with effort, he looked truly ashamed. "I'm sorry," he whispered again. Rowan grimaced but nodded, reaching a hand around blindly for someone to help her to her feet. James scrambled up and pulled her up gently, balancing her as she stumbled slightly with her head spinning.

She breathed shakily and tried to steady herself. The group remained silent for a moment, each trying to figure out how to help the injured young woman.

"Well," Gideon coughed awkwardly, "I suppose we should head back to the Ministry then Headquarters." Rowan noted dumbly that a couple of the older men were holding onto a Death Eater. She counted slowly – two… that meant they'd only gotten a third of them.

James stepped up beside her and took her hand in his hesitantly. She still felt a dull anger towards him but was too fatigued to fight him. She also knew she was much too weak to Disapparate alone. She closed her eyes and leaned into him in exhaustion. As they were sucked into the void, she mused darkly that Remus would be very mad at the both of them.