A/N: I haven't really been getting a whole lot of feedback... Is the story doing it for you?
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Chapter 7: Of Being and Belonging
The next couple of weeks after James and Lily's wedding passed quietly. The two left for their honeymoon right after the wedding, and the Order was strangely quiet without them. Rowan mused that she'd have to get used to saying Lily Potter now, and she was amused that it sounded even more fitting than Evans. It just proved how perfect the pair was for each other.
Remus didn't bring up their mostly one-sided conversation at the wedding again. When she finally saw him at the next meeting, she still had a hard time maintaining eye contact with him. She knew he noticed – he always noticed – but he never mentioned anything, and she couldn't be sure if she felt relieved or hurt by it. He silently held her hand as they left and returned to her apartment with her that night, but he didn't make any moves to make love to her, just touching her tentatively and gently as he did when he was trying to win her back in their Seventh Year. It all felt like a matter of time before he left her again.
Sirius and Mina seemed to have noticed the heavy silence that had fallen upon their friends and invited them out to lunch a couple of weekends after, just before James and Lily were to return from their honeymoon. Rowan felt relieved knowing that the silence would be filled with Sirius' laughter and Mina's snarky comments and looked forward to spending time with them greatly, even if it meant forcing her interactions with Remus to look somewhat normal.
The four met at the Leaky Cauldron, and they immediately fell into easy conversation. They caught up on work updates and speculated jokingly about James and Lily's honeymoon escapades. As they finished their lunches and shared butterbeers, Rowan could almost pretend that they were all at Hogwarts again and that it was just like their afternoons in Hogsmeade. Even Remus looked relaxed.
But then Sirius' face took on a slightly more serious expression, though not grave, and grasped Mina's hand in his tightly. Rowan's chest constricted slightly at the small gesture – was it envy?
"We're going to move in together next month," he said seriously, but there was a fiery glint in his eyes. Mina smiled with barely contained excitement and gazed at their hands softly. They looked happy.
Rowan forced a grin to her face before she had time to think too much about it, and they seemed to buy it. Both looking somewhat relieved. She was glad that the movement of the muscles in her face looked like they were appropriately placed, even if it felt stiff.
"That's fantastic!" she said brightly. Remus' presence next to her felt painfully heavy again. "Have you found a place yet? Where do you want to move?"
They replied happily that they had already found a flat around the Ministry and invited her to come over as soon as they'd gotten settled. She offered to help them move in, and Sirius slapped her on the shoulder hard and laughed with gratitude, and Mina looked slightly annoyed at her boyfriend's shamelessness. It all seemed so normal. Remus remained mostly quiet, however, and Rowan knew that the other two were avoiding addressing him, both aware of the heaviness in him. She still hadn't looked at him, and she couldn't be sure if he was even trying to pretend to be happy for them.
When they finally got up to leave, Rowan found it slightly hard to breathe as it meant that she'd be left alone with Remus again. The four stood outside of the pub and shared hugs before parting ways till the next meeting the following week, all eager to see the newlyweds return. As she watched them walk away, Sirius draped an arm casually around Mina's shoulders, and she snaked an arm around his waist. She was struck by how beautiful and mature they both looked. When had they grown up? She wondered if anyone ever looked at her and Remus in that way.
She forced herself to look away from the quickly disappearing couple and up at Remus, who was gazing down at her so intensely that it startled her. She realized that she hadn't actually looked at him since the wedding, and his face looked much more mature than she'd remembered. Was she the only one who looked like a child still?
His gaze softened as she stared back at him. "Finally," he whispered. His voice seemed to graze her softly, though he didn't touch her. It was warm.
Rowan's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Finally…?
His mouth twitched slightly. "You haven't looked at me in weeks. I was beginning to think I'd become invisible to you," he breathed, and something in her chest twisted painfully. Had he been looking at her this entire time?
"I-" she started, unsure of what to say. It was true – she hadn't seen him in weeks, despite being right next to him. She'd been analyzing Remus in her head without actually seeing him beside her, but now that she'd finally seen him again, she couldn't seem to tear her gaze away from him. She felt incredibly guilty. "I had a lot to think about," she whispered.
He smiled sadly at her and raised a hand hesitantly, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I know," he replied softly.
They stood in silence until he reached a hand out tentatively and laced her fingers with his. She looked down at their joined hands and noted how long his fingers were, how they engulfed her own. Why did she feel like such a child still when all of her friends and loved ones seemed to be aging at a different pace?
She looked back up at him, and he was still gazing at her ardently. It made her tremble slightly. "Let's go home," he said softly, squeezing her hand gently. Her mouth twitched – not quite a smile – and nodded, letting him lead her down the bustling London street. It was hot and crowded, but Rowan felt like she and Remus were once again the only two people in the world. It was still very lonely.
June passed into July, and Rowan threw herself into her work with Belby. She knew they were close to something critical, but she couldn't be sure what. She and her master worked late into the night, running tests on mice injected with lycanthrope blood, and there was a quiet singing in her blood, in her bones. They were so close to something. Another few days, another few weeks, she kept telling herself. Any day now, they'd discover something critical, the right proportions or an ingredient they'd overlooked, but the days began to blur together in her mania, and she knew there was still something missing.
Despite the small understanding they seemed to have shared after lunch with Sirius and Mina, Remus and Rowan had returned to a dazed routine around each other. She no longer avoided his gaze, but it was as if there was a sad resignation that they both knew it was just a matter of time before whatever remained of their relationship fizzled away. He never brought up the topic of marriage again, and his silence on the matter served as further support that she'd never truly have him. In the nights that they didn't spend together, she would allow herself a few silent tears to mourn the life she thought she'd have but was trying desperately to force herself to let go.
It wasn't supposed to happen like this though, she thought to herself. Hadn't he said that he'd always love her? It wasn't an empty promise, and she still believed it – how could they both be so miserable if they still loved each other so much? Was his condition really so much of a problem, such a vital part of him, that they were destined to always be yearning for the other, but never touching? Had he always been aware of it and she'd just been too naïve to see it? Why hadn't he warned her?
But hadn't he sort of always been trying to tell her? From the very start, she'd been the one to push her feelings onto him, forcing him to be with her, forcing him to accept his own desires that he'd been burying away his entire life. But she'd pushed and pushed, and he'd relented. Did he ever resent her? Did he sometimes look at her with bitterness, knowing that she'd put them in this mess? Wasn't it really all her fault, her selfishness?
Rowan snapped out of her dark thoughts at the sound of a shrieking, "Customer! Customer!" from above Belby's lab. Someone had entered the apothecary.
"Go see what that bird is yapping about, will you?" Belby grumbled from his cauldron.
Rowan stood from her stool, sighing and rubbing her eyes blearily. She had been barely sleeping that week, and Remus had quietly scolded her the night before. As she walked up the stairs from the basement, she pulled a breath in deeply and slapped her cheeks lightly, hoping the energy from her hands would help move her face into normal expressions for the customer.
As she turned the corner from the back room, she saw Belby's Augurey Alexander peering morosely with his beady eyes at a corner of the shop, watching the customer browse through the various potions. She scratched him affectionately on the head before moving toward the man, who was hunched with grizzly gray hair and a wooden leg – it was Mad-Eye Moody.
"Alastor!" she called, feeling suddenly very bright at the sight of the older man. He was such an intimidating man, but she always felt so pleased to see him. He turned and his electric blue eye scanned over her face for a moment before smiling crookedly at her.
"Good to see you, girl. Working hard?" he asked gruffly. He looked over her face again. "Not sleeping much, I see."
She grinned sheepishly. "Yeah, been really into my work recently. Master Belby and I have gotten a really good rhythm in our research," she said fervently.
He nodded approvingly and looked at her proudly. "Ever the diligent one, as always. I wish I could say the same about your mate Black," he growled. She laughed fondly.
"So what brings you here, Moody?" she asked quietly. The Aurors typically had their own potioneers brew for them specially, so it was bizarre to see the old man in the apothecary. He either needed something very specific or was there on Order business. She felt herself bristle a bit.
The Auror let out a frustrated sigh. "Crabbe and Goyle have gotten out of a conviction. They're pleading Imperius Curse," he said quietly, bitterly.
Rowan let out a shaky breath and felt anger seething in her blood. The older man shared a flicker of anger with her and continued, "They're going to be released tomorrow, so keep your eyes open. They're already suspecting that your family is involved with the Order and may start targeting you and your parents next. Kingsley and I think the hit on the Potters might have been an act of retribution for the Macdougal mission."
Rowan's felt the blood drain from her face at the thought of John Potter. Julia's disposition had improved over the past few months, especially after James and Lily's wedding, but she still hurt for the older woman. Would her parents be next?
Moody nodded gravely, as if reading her thoughts. "Be extra cautious when traveling. If you need to stay late at work, have Lupin meet you and leave with him or send for one of the other Order members. Remember: constant vigilance!" he whispered roughly.
Rowan's blood was boiling. She nodded her head jerkily in understanding, trying desperately to restrain herself from punching the wall. He squeezed her arm reassuringly before heading out the door, and with a faint ring, he was gone.
Mr. Potter might have been killed because James' involvement in the order. She thought of Alfred and her parents at home and felt an icy chill crawl up her spine. Should she get them into hiding? She didn't think she'd have to take such precautions so early on, but she should've realized that the Dark Lord's supporters would find out sooner, rather than later.
But she didn't have much time to think about it. Suddenly, Rowan felt a heavy pressure and looked up to see Belby standing in the doorway from the backroom staring at her with a murderous look in his eyes. She felt the blood drain from her face – how long had he been there? She heard him breathe harshly, and his eyes were wide with rage, his face shaking in the way she'd only seen when his experiments had been going poorly.
"You," he breathed shakily. "You!" Rowan trembled slightly at the venom in his voice.
"You're working with that damn Order! I knew I shouldn't have taken Dumbledore's advice about hiring you. How could I have not known that he'd push for one of his underlings to work for me!" His voice continued to rise in volume as he spoke, and he face turned red with rage. He pushed past the doorway and stormed towards her. She was frozen to the spot.
He grabbed her arm roughly and thrust his face into hers, spitting slightly in anger. "You are fired! I will not endanger everything I've worked for with some- some stupid vigilante!" he shouted at her.
His words sank in slowly, and the icy fear she'd felt melted away into a heated anger. Her nostrils flared indignantly and she yanked her arm from his grasp.
"You can't fire me!" she shouted back. Her sudden lashing back startled him for a brief second before his anger returned, but she continued. "This is just as much my work now as it is yours! Just because you're too cowardly to fight doesn't mean that people aren't out there suffering! I'm staying, and I'm not quitting the Order!" She was bristling with anger.
Belby roared with rage and shook her by the shoulders violently. The fear returned momentarily before she pushed her anger forward again. "You stupid girl!" he screamed. "Get out! GET OUT!"
Rowan pried herself from his vice grip and shoved him off of her hard so that he stumbled backward. "FINE, I'M LEAVING!" she shrieked. "But you're making a huge mistake, Belby! You will never find that cure without me!" His eyes were still wide with rage, and he roared again, punching the wall behind him so that the glass bottles around the shelves chimed and clinked loudly. A few fell to the ground and shattered, splattering the floor with green and brown liquids.
She pushed past him and grabbed her bag from the back room before sprinting out of the shop. Alexander squawked noisily as she slammed the door behind her. As she burst from the dark shop, various wizards and witches jumped at her violence, and she stormed through them while furiously wiping away angry tears, not looking back.
Rowan walked and walked for what seemed like hours until the sun was low in the sky. It was unbearably hot, and she was covered in a thin film of sticky sweat, but she couldn't seem to stop herself or figure out where she was going. She continued to trudge along with fatigue, her legs numb and feet aching, until she found herself on an old bridge close to Remus' apartment.
She leaned against the railing and looked out onto the river below her, which glittered with the low sun. It'd been a few weeks since she'd been there. She wasn't exactly sure why she was there to begin with – she hadn't sought him out for comfort about anything since the wedding, so why had her feet taken her there? She wasn't even sure if she wanted to see him.
The summer sun hung low and red – it must be very late. A dull ache of guilt shot through her. She hadn't told anyone where she was going, and Moody had said to be careful. The guilt was enough to convince her to pull out the key to Remus' apartment that he'd given her when he'd moved out of his parents' house. It was so normal looking, so plain, and yet just the very thought of it made her chest tighten.
The night before they'd left Hogwarts, he asked if she'd ever consider moving in with him, and when they'd moved into their respective flats, they'd traded keys without even asking. It had just seemed like the natural thing to do. They came and went from each other's places casually, and she'd even spent a few nights in his flat alone when he'd left for his monthly transformations, comforting herself in the scent of his belongings and the idea that she belonged to him as well.
But she wasn't sure anymore if it was reciprocated. Had he ever belonged to her? Was there anything that she could rightfully even call hers anymore? She'd even lost her job. All of her research was with Belby - could she return to the apothecary and demand for it back? It was not as if she could go through their notes and take back the information that she'd found - their notes and research were so blurred together that it'd be impossible.
Could she force him to take her back? He really had no grounds to fire her, after all, but he wasn't the kind of man who would take back anything he said in anger - he was much too proud. Despite all the work she'd done over the past two years, she had nothing to show for it. She lowered her head to the railing slowly, defeatedly. The hot tears stung at her eyes, and she let a few fall, seeping into the concrete.
After a few moments, she looked up and saw that the sun had hit the horizon - it really was late. Remus' key dug into her palm, which she had balled into a fist without realizing it. The markings of the key's teeth were red in her skin, and she thought of his fresh cuts after the night of the full moon.
For the first time in a while, she bitterly resented his condition and all that came with it. If it weren't for the damned moon and his affliction, they could be together, she wouldn't have had to work for such a terrible man, and they might also be moving in together just like Mina and Sirius. There would be no need for her to have an extra key to his apartment, and she wouldn't be standing alone on this bridge crying over Damocles Belby.
She inhaled deeply and stood up straight, looking up at the sky. The moon had appeared, faint and translucent in the evening sky. It was swelling again - Remus would be gone for a night within the coming week. She sighed again and began walking. She should go see him. After all, who knew how long she would even have that key anymore?