A/N: Things start getting dark from here.

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Chapter 10: Of Intimacy through Pain

Remus stood in the kappa sanctuary at the ICE, scribbling some notes into his notebook when Fabian Prewett appeared beside him.

"Lupin, my boy! How are you today?" his voice boomed. Remus jumped and the sudden noise, and the kappa he'd been observing dropped the cucumber Remus had lured him out with and scurried away, diving back into the water.

Remus sighed as he saw the creature disappear but then turned back to his boss. "Doing well – making some good progress today. How are you?" he replied calmly, steadying his heart rate from the initial shock of the older man's abrupt appearance.

"Good, good!" he responded jovially. "Me, I've been feeling a bit antsy today – decided to take a walk and check on all of you."

He then glanced around him discreetly and lowered his voice. "How was your monthly the other night?" he asked quietly.

Remus smiled warmly at the older man's concern. "It was good," he replied. "No new scratches for the first time in a while. Rowan was very pleased."

Fabian beamed. "You've got a good one there. Damn sharp she is," he said fiercely. Remus couldn't help but nod in agreement.

After he'd gone to see her at the apothecary upon her first day back, she'd stayed the entire night. As he was dressing for work the next morning, the door to his apartment opened, and she stumbled in half asleep. Belby had returned to the lab that morning as if nothing had happened, though he'd shoved her out of the shop and told her to get some sleep and return the next day. He hadn't seen her look so happy in months, though they both were dying to know what had happened to make Belby change his mind.

She'd slept into the afternoon there, and he returned in the evening before leaving for his monthly transformation to see her. She greeted him happily and kissed him goodbye as he left, and somehow, everything seemed very normal. He thought sadly that it was if they were a married couple and then berated himself for even imagining it – no matter how wonderful it seemed, he couldn't get his hopes up for long.

As he thought about the gentle way she'd tucked him into bed upon his return home the next morning, a silvery haze burst through the wall, earning a few gasps and shouts from his coworkers. He felt a surge of dread shoot through him as it approached him. It solidified into an owl in front of him and Fabian.

"Your mother has collapsed. We're at St. Mungo's. Please don't panic, but come as soon as you get out of work. See you soon," Lyall's voice echoed from it softly before the bird stretched its wings and dissolved into the air.

Remus felt the air in his lungs shrivel up, and the blood drained from his face. A strong hand grabbed his arm. He looked over to see Fabian looking at him fiercely.

"I'll send word to Rowan. Go see your mother," he said quietly but sternly. Remus felt himself nodding before he could even think and grasped Fabian's hand with gratitude before turning and running out the door. As soon as he hit the pavement outside, he Disapparated for St. Mungo's.

Rowan sped through the halls of the hospital searching for the waiting room. She'd already been to two, neither of which had been the right ones apparently, and she was beginning to grow flustered. Why was this place such a damn maze?

She sped past a bright room and had to stop and turn back when she realized she'd missed it in her loud internal rant. Remus and Lyall were sitting there, both looking haggard and distressed. Lyall looked up and saw her, standing to his feet first.

"Rowan," he breathed, grasping her shoulder. "Thank you for coming."

"Of course," she said softly. "Is she okay? What's happened?" She forced the panic down. They didn't need to deal with a hysterical woman on top of everything else.

Remus had stood after his father. "Stroke," he choked out, moving towards her. His father let her go, and she rushed towards him, wrapping her arms around him tightly. He buried his face in her neck and breathed deeply, shakily. She felt him tremble and had to push back her fear again.

When he pulled away, Lyall continued. "Healers say it was stress. Apparently there's been an increase in them as the war has gotten worse. She should be okay, but we don't know how it'll affect her yet. She's still in intensive care," he explained quietly.

Rowan nodded gravely and sat down with Remus. Lyall excused himself to get some fresh air. She laced her fingers with the young man's and squeezed his hand.

She wasn't sure what to say, so she didn't say anything at all. He wasn't a man who appreciated flowery words, and she felt like it'd be inappropriate and dishonest to tell him it would all be okay. She leaned her head against his shoulder and hoped that her warmth might reach him and prayed that they wouldn't lose yet another loved one to the dark days they were in.

Leanna Lupin remained delicate after her stroke but had recovered just enough to speak and sit up to see visitors, though not many as it tired her out quickly. The incident had cost her control over her left arm, and Rowan could still see her sometimes look at it mournfully. Her eyebrows would sometimes furrow with concentration, and she knew the older woman was trying desperately to move it, even slightly. It broke her heart to see the once lively woman so restrained.

She'd also begun having trouble remembering certain things, though they tended to be small. The most painful part was seeing the frustration on her face as she realized that she'd forgotten something else. Her face would screw up as she scoured her mind for the memories. She said it was as if they were just within reach, but for some reason, she couldn't grasp them. Rowan hoped that it wouldn't spread to more critical memories.

It was September, and the leaves on the trees outside had just begun to turn yellow. There was a large oak tree outside of Leanna's hospital room window, and the two women had taken to opening up the window to let the still warm breeze and a few golden leaves come in as they sat together during Rowan's visits. Rowan had even brought her mother a couple of times. They'd met on a couple of occasions before, but now the two older women seemed to share a dark understanding – both knew the agony of losing the bodies they'd always known, and though it pained her with guilt, a part of Rowan was extremely pleased that they could share such a deep intimacy so quickly.

Rowan had begun working again at the apothecary, and her research with Belby had been speeding along. She felt a frenetic energy in the laboratory and knew they were so close to a breakthrough. After he'd returned from his strange disappearance the day she'd come back, he made no mention of their fight or that he'd fired her at all. He simply told her to shove off for the rest of the day - that she was no use to him tired - and to come back the next day. It was almost frightening how nonchalant he was about it all, but she figured it was best not to question his good graces when he offered them so readily. After all, she had her job back, and wasn't that what mattered?

The mania she'd felt that day alone in the lab had bled into the days after, and she swore it had been rubbing off on her master as well, though he'd never admit to it. She still didn't really know anything about him, but she liked to think she understood him better than anyone else that came into the shop, and the thought pleased her greatly.

Her parents had remained safe, and though the anxiety of knowing that they were being watched remained in the pit of her stomach, she tried to remain optimistic. Her missions for the Order had been proceeding well, despite the increase of Death Eater activity. She and Remus had even had a couple together, much to his relief, and her dueling rhythm with Arthur had improved as well.

It hadn't been all smooth though - at the end of August, they lost Fritz Longbottom to a Death Eater ambush, and his murder had hit them all hard, particularly Frank, Fritz's younger brother who had been a year ahead of her and Remus at Hogwarts. As she pulled out her black robes for another funeral, she prayed silently to herself that there wouldn't be another for a while. She thought of her parents and her friends and imagined that if she kept their faces engrained in her mind, they would remain safe.

Not all days were dark, however. One Saturday afternoon, Rowan sat next to Leanna, reading her the Muggle newspaper. The sun was bright and yellow and spilled into the room warmly, and she imagined whimsically that the golden leaves that floated in were sheets of sunlight. She had to stop reading several times to ask the older woman what various words were, such as "telephone" and "electrical circuit," and they both laughed brightly at her comical ignorance of common Muggle concepts. Rowan felt such a strong affection for her boyfriend's mother and desperately pushed away the thought that was creeping into her mind – would she ever be able to call her Mother as well?

As if reading her thoughts, Leanna asked, "How are you and Remus, dear?"

Rowan looked up with furrowed brows. Was it simply a mother's intuition to know when her child and his friends were troubled? Leanna was smiling patiently at her, and Rowan noted how similar the tired lines beneath her eyes were to Remus'.

"Hasn't Remus told you?" she asked, trying to sound light.

Leanna snorted slightly. "You and I both know he doesn't tell me anything about your relationship. Have you forgotten our brief correspondence a few summers ago?"

Rowan grimaced slightly at the memory – Leanna had owled her during the summer between their Sixth and Seventh Year asking what had happened between her and Remus as he'd withdrawn into himself completely. He still didn't know about their exchange. Her fists balled up tightly.

"I-" she started. "I don't know, honestly," she said. She didn't understand how she could open up to this woman so easily when she couldn't admit her reservations about her relationship to even Remus or her own mother. It irked her.

Leanna smiled sadly. "I thought so. What has he done now?"

Rowan frowned and looked down at her hands, forcing them open, though they still looked tense. "He hasn't done anything," she said honestly. "It's just that…" she trailed off. How was she supposed to explain this? "James and Lily got married," she said dumbly.

Leanna nodded knowingly. "And you don't think Remus wants to marry you," she completed.

Rowan felt her shoulders slump and her heart sink into her stomach. She hadn't been able to voice her fears out loud since her father had told her his concerns, and physically hearing the words put into the atmosphere made them feel inevitable now. Her lip quivered sadly.

A hand covered her own and she looked up to see Leanna gazing softly at her. "I can't tell you that Remus will ever come around," she said sadly, "But he loves you more than anything. You must know that, right?"

Rowan looked down again and nodded, though she couldn't quite make herself fully believe it. Their relationship had improved slightly when she'd returned back to work, but after Leanna had fallen ill, he had withdrawn back into himself. Rowan knew he was obsessing over his mother's stroke, thinking that the stress of his involvement in the war had driven her to it, and Rowan didn't know how to console him.

The growing rift between them continued to expand, and he seemed to be engulfed in a far off darkness that she couldn't reach. The fear whispered from the back of her mind. It had engraved itself into her heart, dug into her bones. She sometimes woke in the middle of the night to see him asleep next to her, and she would pull away from his embrace. She was afraid that if she touched him, the illusion of their relationship would shatter, and though she knew it was just a matter of time, she wanted to cling to him just a little longer.

But he had also begun to push her away. Before he simply seemed to accept the distance she'd set between them but always stayed nearby. Now, he had started increasing that distance. She thought she'd be ready for it, but to see him slowly moving away from her was more painful than she'd imagined. She felt like she was sixteen again, sitting alone on the Hogwarts grounds in the hot sun.

Just as Leanna was about to say something else, the door opened, and Rowan's head jerked up to see Remus standing in the doorway. His face fell slightly as he saw the serious looks on Rowan and his mother. Her stomach lurched slightly at the sight of him.

"What's going on?" he asked concernedly, moving toward the bed.

Rowan shook her head and forced a smile. "Nothing, just talking about a sad story in the Muggle paper," she lied.

Remus shot her a mild look that said that he knew she wasn't telling the truth, but he didn't push it. He turned to Leanna and asked softly, "How are you feeling today?"

Leanna smiled and responded, "Just fine, dear. How's your day been?"

The three got to talking casually, and by the time Lyall arrived, Rowan was glad to see that Remus had forgotten all about the serious conversation he'd walked in on. When the pair left his parents to return to his apartment, it was quite late, and the two made their way for the exit. The small distance between them felt profound, and as they Disapparated, he didn't reach out to hold her hand.