Silence.
In all my years it has taken me until now to understand how it can turn from something comforting and familiar to the stuff of nightmares. I want to scream to fill the void that stretches between us. I long for the boisterous cacophony that surrounded my friends in a time that seems now worlds away. I yearn for the sound of his voice just one more time, giving orders with a quiet authority. I have found myself taking on his role, the brooding guardian with the weight of the world crushing down upon my unwilling shoulders. My voice cracks from disuse when I reluctantly force words past my cold lips, determined to offer some comfort to my grieving friend. Beorn stalked by our side, the bear silently declaring himself our protector through the forest and over the misty mountains, and I was grateful for his presence. It offered that much more safety for my companion, who I was determined not to fail again. I had glanced up only once at his approach, his quiet look of overwhelming compassion causing nothing more than a renewal of my pain.
The leagues stretched past, the mountain long out of sight now as we neared familiar fields of flowers and a meadow filled with large horses. We passed by Beorn's home without stopping, feeling undeserved of the creature comforts that surrounded his abode. Taking solace in the biting wind that stung our cheeks and drew tears from reddened eyes, and the firm ground beneath our feet. The sky was a dull grey as winter approached full force, the heavens constantly opening as they grieved with us. The only sound around us the steady drip of water and muffled sniffles of the disconsolate hobbit. Few enemies were to be seen now in the mountain passes, but those that approached perished without a word, our blades singing the songs of vengeance. It was instinctual, and I was glad for the spreading numbness that prevented me from wanting to tear open the caverns below and slaughter everything in sight.
We said farewell to Beorn after many days, only mildly surprised to find ourselves changing protective hands when the elves from Rivendell arrived to collect us from him. It seemed someone had sent word of our approach, though not much else, as they were eager to hear news of our victory. I spoke my first real words then after weeks of silence.
"Would you like to stop in Rivendell?" I asked Bilbo, his head jerking up in surprise at my offer. He contemplated the suggestion, nodding minutely.
"Just for a day," he decided, his voice dull and listless, lacking the enthusiasm he had displayed upon our last visit. We made our way into the valley under escort, nearly breaking at the sight that greeted us. Lord Elrond awaited, his twin sons at his back drawing a surge of memory. Thorin, the nephews that saw him as a father ranged behind him, confident that their leader would carry them to victory.
"Lady Alanta, Bilbo, it is so good to see you well my friends," he said solemnly as he extended his hands in welcome. We were led to the dining terrace, the tables already covered in food that I knew I could not swallow. We sat across from the elves, mentally preparing to tell our tale. "I trust that your safe return means that you were successful in your quest?" he inquired, voice gentle now as he took in the deep sorrow lining our brows.
I managed a nod. "We have reclaimed the mountain," I proclaimed hollowly. "Though not without great sacrifice. I fear that a battle between us and our ancient enemy resulted in the loss of our king. May Thorin rest in peace under his kingdom..." I was whispering by the end, the words turning to dust in my mouth. The elves regarded us with grave sympathy, acknowledging our loss, but unable to find the words to offer comfort. I could see the burning understanding in their gaze, their own wife and mother lost long ago to some cruel fate. We did not stay long past that, uncomfortable in the presence of others. Offering farewells and promises to return soon, we left the peaceful valley for the last leg of our journey.
We reached the borders of the Shire not long after, the sight of Bilbo's home seeming foreign under the mocking sun. Hobbits went about their business around us, their cheerful greetings to the returned burglar going unacknowledged. Bilbo had dropped all pretense of respectability as he used to put it, unwilling to interact with his neighbors despite the potential consequences. I ignored the whispers that were already beginning, of 'mad baggins' and his strange companion, both unsociable to the point of rudeness. I could not bring myself to feel ashamed, or insulted, or whatever I should have felt about the cold words.
We were nearing the front door at last when I noticed the first stirrings of something wrong. The cheery green door was propped open, small noises filtering out of the home. I glanced uneasily at Bilbo, wondering if looters would be the last straw to send him over the edge. Instead I came face to face with such a look of unforgiving fury that I almost staggered backwards. With a face like thunder, (like him I couldn't help thinking with a wince), Bilbo marched right through the entryway, sword unsheathed. I hurried up behind him as panicked shouts served to make known the presence of at least two frightened hobbits inside. I did not recognize the two trembling forms that shrank away from Bilbo's approach, but clearly they recognized him. They stared at him and he stared back, a contest of wills playing itself out before me. I could already tell who the winner would be when Bilbo spoke, his voice low and angry.
"Get out," he simply stated, sword unwavering as it continued to point at them. They took one look at him, glanced once at me standing at his back, and dropped what they held before running out the door as fast as they could. As soon as they were out of sight Bilbo slumped to the floor, shoulders bowed in exhaustion. I said nothing, placing a hand on his shoulder to let him know he wasn't alone.
Our moment was interrupted by a timid knock on the half open door, followed by a cheery, albeit hesitant voice.
"Master Bilbo, but you are a sight for sore eyes," the speaker proclaimed in genuine happiness. "I heard you was back and came straight over to see if there was anything I could do for you." He caught sight of me crouched beside my friend and hastened to introduce himself, though I already felt an inkling of recognition. "Pardon my intrusion my lady, my name is Hamfast Gamgee."
I offered him a half smile. "Alanta, at your service. We met once before."
He blinked, suddenly smiling. "Oh yes, the lass with the monster cat. That were the day master Bilbo here disappeared!" He put on a mock scowl of disapproval.
"My apologies," I returned. "I'm afraid I may have had something to do with that, but I got him safely there and back again as I promised him I would."
Bilbo broke in then, sounding faint and sad. "It's good to see you old friend, but I'm afraid I'm not going to be good company for awhile. I have had a trying time, and I do not think I am up for visiting at the moment."
The kind hobbit nodded in understanding. "Very well, you just rest then and don't worry about a thing. I'll make sure no one comes a'bothering you." He hesitated, clearly wondering if he was about to overstep. "If you ever want to talk, I'll be nearby." With that he stepped out the door, closing it softly behind him without waiting for a word of thanks.
Bilbo turned to me then, getting to his feet with a decisive shake of his head. "Well, I'm home. You'd best be getting news to those dwarves of yours that you left behind at Ered Luin." At my worried look he snorted. "Don't go getting like that, I'll be fine. If I need anything I have friends nearby. I'm not truly alone." He spoke the last part softly, as though he were still trying to convince himself of the fact, but I knew it was not my place to question him, and he had a point. Dis was waiting for news. I nearly flinched at the thought, but I had no choice, I had promised the company I would bring the dwarves of Erebor home.
I clasped him in a tight embrace, a lump in my throat. "I will come see you again soon," I promised him. "Stay safe my dear friend." One last hug and I slipped out the door, his goodbyes echoing in my ears beside the others. I took to the air, wanting to feel wind on my face, to detach myself from the earth for a time. Heading north, I let the warmth of the setting sun wash over me, bringing with it a gradual sense of peace. For a little while I was able to forget, as the breeze carried me to the place I had called home for so many years. I could almost imagine it was a dream, that I would walk in the door and see Thorin just returning from the forges. Fili and Kili sparring in the yard, their mother looking over all with immeasurable pride.
It took a few days of flying to get to Ered Luin. I stood now just outside the gate, recalling the very first day I had laid eyes upon it. Before my world had ended, when two happy children had drug me cheerfully into their lives. Before a family had lodged themselves in my heart, leaving me irrevocably changed. Sighing heavily, I walked through the open gates, nodding in greeting to the guards that gaped at my return. I heard a cheerful voice hail me, and before I knew it an arm was slung around my waist, the grey haired dwarf that owned it beaming in happiness.
"Alanta, am I ever glad to see you lass! Tell me everything!" My heart ached again at the thought of telling the whole tale, a wince crossing my face.
"Later, Karn," I told him softly. "I must see Dis first, then all will be made known." He stepped back a little, becoming serious at the sight of my down-turned expression.
"What happened?" he asked worriedly.
I held up a hand, just barely keeping my composure. "Just, later. I promise my friend, I will tell all after I speak to Dis. She needs to hear this first."
He nodded, moving aside as I headed once again for the house, a mantle of dread settling over me. I could hear Dis inside before I even got to the door, humming a soft tune as she clanked around with some pots. Opening the door, I found myself unable to even breathe as I watched her for a moment. She had her back to me, washing dishes in the large sink. A thousand apologies and explanations flew through my head before I drew in a shuddering breath as I stared intently at the floor. My soft intake of air caught Dis's attention, and she whirled around in surprise, the pot in her hands clanging to the floor when she took in the way my shaking hands were fisted in my tunic.
"Alanta...?" Some understanding dawned on her and she cried out, going white and rushing to me. "No, oh no please say it isn't true. You didn't fail...my sons aren't..." The plea went unfinished as she was unable to even voice the word. 'Dead.'
"They are fine," I told the floor. "We won Dis, Erebor is ours once more." "Fili will make a fine king," I added brokenly, drawing a gasp of relief from her.
"But Fili is the heir, surely Thorin does not think it wise to place him on the throne so soon, he is not that old after all..." she trailed off, confusion writ upon her face.
I met her eyes then, willing her to understand without me having to say the words. The sight of her face, so like his face ended all semblance of reason within me. I crashed to my knees, the pain unheeded as my heart rent again and tears streamed out like a river. "I'm so sorry, I couldn't save him!" I screamed it to the heavens, begging forgiveness. Dis was frozen, completely unprepared for this development. Surely her strong stubborn brother was just fine? He couldn't die, he was the king, he had a people to lead. I sobbed brokenly on the floor while she waited for the joke to be up, maybe even for Thorin to come marching in behind me with his customary scowl in place. I was still talking, fragments of hurt and guilt bubbling out. "He fell defending me, and I couldn't even stay to see him put in the ground. I couldn't watch because then it would be real, but he's gone! WHY!? Why wasn't it me," I whispered, my throat now hoarse from screaming.
"He's gone..." Dis replied numbly, stricken through with a grief she had hoped never to feel again. I felt myself gathered into strong arms and grabbed on, trying to hold myself together.
I must have fallen asleep, because when I opened my eyes I was on the couch, a soft blanket draped over me. Dis was sitting at the table nearby, eyes red as she clutched a shirt that Thorin had left behind. I got up to join her, and she looked up at my approach. "We need to inform the settlement," Dis said at last. "It will not take long at all to finish preparations before we are ready to begin the journey to Erebor."
"I will help, I promised my nephews I would bring their mother home." I smiled sadly, torn at the bittersweet way in which I had become a part of their family.
Dis smiled back. "I always wanted a sister," she offered with a watery laugh. "Never thought it would be an elf." At that we both broke down, nearly hysterical as the emotions overwhelmed us. I pulled her to her feet and we headed out the door, calling for the townsfolk to gather for an impromptu meeting.
It did not take long for the entire town to be crammed into the market square, every face full of hope for the news I had brought. I swallowed hard, unwilling to relive the news yet again so soon, but it could not be helped. I was seen as a hero, though I did not want the title, and I was the only one returned from the venture so relive it I must.
"My friends, many months ago I left this town in the company of your king and some others that you all knew. It is with both pride and sorrow that I return to proclaim the mountain ours once again!" The people cheered mightily at this, though they trailed off rather abruptly when the sorrow part of my statement registered through the excitement. "I wish I could tell you that we all made it through the long perilous journey, but I cannot. At the very edge of victory we lost one of our own. A brother, an uncle, our king. He fell defending what was his, long may he rest under the halls of his fathers. In accordance with Thorin's wishes, Fili son of Dis takes the throne as king under the mountain." Gasps resounded throughout the crowd, many of the women breaking into tears. I stepped down from my position, no longer wanting to feel the eyes that followed me, but heading towards one face in particular.
When I made it through the throng I placed a small package in Barla's hands. "Fili asked me to give you this," I murmured. "I know that he is eagerly awaiting the day when you will join him at his side." Her eyes were wide as she took in the contents of the wrapped bundle. A short letter carefully folded around the most stunning silver necklace, its links emblazoned with emeralds that shone like the girl's eyes.
"He wants me to be queen?" she asked, in evident fear.
I crouched down, putting myself at her eye level as her father placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, his eyes glimmering with pride. "You would make a wonderful queen," I assured her. "After all, being a queen is simply about helping your people, just with a title attached."
"I can do that," she whispered as she clutched the letter tightly to her.
"I suggest you make sure you are packed then," Dis broke in as she appeared next to us. "We leave in a few days." She made to leave before offering a last smile. "Welcome to the family."
Before I knew it we were headed back out onto the road, but this time in a massive group of wagons and people. Everyone was going, nothing was left behind. Dis had offered the empty town to the people of Gorlond as a goodwill gesture, since we would be taking trade away with us when we left. I think she felt a little guilty, but the more heavily fortified town of Ered Luin was ample compensation as they were quick to assure her. We said our goodbyes, shed more tears for the good folk we would likely never see again, and promised them warm welcome should they ever journey east to the mountain.
Once everyone was assembled we set out, taking the great east road. We skirted around the Shire, not wishing to alarm the hobbits by our large party, and rejoined the road just outside of Bree. I thought briefly of Bilbo and wondered how he was doing, almost tempted to drag him out his door again before reasoning that he was likely just fine. He would not wish for my presence again when the hurt was so raw. He needed time to heal, to forget, though I never would.
When we reached Rivendell we were joined by a small party of elves wishing to formally greet the new king of Erebor, and I welcomed them into the group. Elladan and Elrohir were the leaders, and their mannerisms immediately put the dwarves at ease, so alike to the sons of Dis were they. I made certain to introduce them to Dis immediately, and they soon had her laughing at tales of their mischief together when the four had met those long months ago.
We crossed the mountains without incident, meeting up with Beorn on the other side. The great man declared that he would accompany us once again, interested to see how the mountain was doing. He had not been back since the battle, having taken the time to hunt down and further eradicate the enemy that still lurked in small corners of the land. We made good time to the borders of Mirkwood, and it was there that I was reminded of an obligation I had not yet fulfilled. I pulled Dis aside to explain before sending the convoy along without me.
"I am staying here," I told her. "I made a promise the last time I came through here to heal the forest, a promise that has been left unanswered for too long. I will join you when I am finished."
She nodded sadly, understanding the words that remained unspoken between us. 'When the pain is less, when I can look at the mountain and not see him, then I will return.'
"Mahal go with you," she whispered. "Do not stay away too long."
I stood back and watched them leave, heart sore and weary. If I looked carefully I could just see the tip of the mountain peeking over the mist that draped the ailing trees, and I was quick to turn my gaze elsewhere. Placing my hands on the nearest tree I focused on my task, slowly bringing the forest back to life.
Author's note: Well I certainly hope that wasn't as depressing to read as it was to write, I'm not usually this dark. The entire first section of this chapter came to me in full just as I was falling asleep one night, and I was so grateful when my normally useless brain decided to remember it in full. The next chapter will be in the point of view of someone in Erebor, as we leave Alanta to grieve for a bit. We will return to her after that. Here's hoping you enjoyed this chapter and thanks for reading! The next chapter will be out momentarily.