A/N: This is a really important chapter and marks a shift in the story. Also, it's pretty long.

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Chapter 13: Of Lost Flesh and Bones

There was so much green fire. Rowan peered around and knew she was burning. She was lying on her back in the fire but could still somehow see the field of flames around her. There was no smoke, but she couldn't breathe. Her lungs seared with pain. Why couldn't she breathe?

She lifted her hands to her face and saw that they were red – was it her blood? She felt her chest. It was wet and open. Her lungs were gone.

A part of Rowan knew she should panic, but she wasn't concerned about the blood or the flames, just that she couldn't breathe.

She couldn't breathe.

She couldn't breathe.

Gasping painfully, Rowan jolted awake but immediately found that she couldn't move.

Panic struck her and raced through her blood hotly. The room was so white. Where was all the green? She tried to throw her arms up to shield her eyes from the blinding white light, but an excruciating searing burning shot up her upper arm and down her back. She screamed out in pain.

"Rowan!" a voice called out, and she felt her arms being held down at her sides. She thrashed and screamed again. She was gasping for breath. It was too bright, too bright! She couldn't breathe. Her head and arm were searing. She couldn't breathe!

"Rowan! Rowan!" the voice called again. "Rowan, it's me! It's Lily! You're safe! Just calm down!"

Rowan kept thrashing but couldn't maintain her strength. Why was she so weak? Her lungs were burning, and her eyes were being blinded by the whiteness of the room. Why was she there?

Lily?

The face in front of her came into focus, and she slowly recognized the bright red waves in front of her as belonging to her old friend. Her breath still came in shaky gasps, but the terror that had seized her began to fizzle away, and she took the time to assess the room around her.

She was lying in a hospital bed in a stark white room. There were bandages running up her right arm, starting just below her elbow and continuing up into her hospital gown. By the stiffness in her back, she guessed that her entire upper body was covered in bandages as well. How had she gotten there? Where were all of the green flames?

"Where am I?" she croaked. Her throat burned as the sound left her mouth, and Lily moved to get her a glass of water. She held the glass to her mouth gingerly, and Rowan drank gratefully but was filled with anger at the fact that she could barely move her arms to hold the glass herself.

"You're at St. Mungo's," Lily responded quietly as she pulled the now empty glass from Rowan's lips and set it down. "You were badly injured. Do you not remember?" she whispered.

Rowan concentrated hard, but everything was a blur. She could remember green flames and a burning pain. The bandages suddenly made more sense. But why had she gotten hurt?

"Where are Edgar and Wisteria?" she whispered, looking at Lily searchingly. The panic overtook her again.

Lily's lip quivered, and Rowan felt her stomach lurch violently. "The explosion that hit you – it was aimed at the Boneses… They died instantly," she whispered sadly.

Rowan felt a white hot rage shoot through her chest and into her throat.

"How?" she breathed. "How?" her voice was rising with her anger, and Lily looked startled at the sudden volume. "Who could have betrayed us? They were supposed to be safe!" she cried. Hot tears had begun to fall from her eyes. They trailed down her face and to her neck, and she wanted to scream in frustration at the fact that she couldn't even reach up to wipe them away.

"Why did this happen?" she cried. Her throat was burning painfully, but she relished it. She was inconsolable. The grief hit her hard, and she choked on it, gasping again for air.

A group of women in white robes appeared in the doorway and rushed in.

"Miss, you must calm down! You'll reopen your wounds again if you don't stop moving!" they said to her panicking.

Their words only fueled her anger though, and Rowan screamed in frustration. Why couldn't she move? Why had any of this happened? Why did it have to happen to Edgar?

Where was Remus?

She felt a cold pinch in her arm and realized they'd injected her with a Sleeping Draught. Her eyelids immediately began to droop, and though she fought angrily, she felt herself being forced into sleep.

"I'm so sorry, Rowan," Lily whispered.

When Rowan woke again, her mind was a gray cloud. She blinked blearily around her and was greeted by a calm blue. Hadn't the room been white before?

"Rowan!" someone called out to her.

Her eyes shut again heavily, and she fought to open them. She couldn't remember where she was. Her right arm felt so stiff, and her mouth was painfully dry. She needed water.

As if answering her thoughts, she felt a cool glass being held to her lips, and she drank gratefully and quickly. The water ran down her throat, soothing the soreness there, and its chill seemed to oil the creakiness of her eyelids.

She opened them and saw bright hazel eyes staring down at her. There was a scar above the right eyebrow. She knew that face.

"Remus," she whispered.

The relief on his face was tangible. He exhaled shakily and lifted a hand to her face gently.

"Thank god," he whispered. "Oh, thank god." Why did he look so distraught? She wanted to touch him, but her arms were so sore.

"Where am I?" she asked.

"You're still at St. Mungo's, but they've moved you to a stable care unit. You've been here for about a day now," he whispered.

His words sunk in slowly. "How long have I been in the hospital?" she asked.

He grimaced. "About a week," he said quietly. "You woke up a few days ago when Lily was here, but they said you weren't supposed to come to for another few days. They were amazed that you'd woken up so early."

She looked up at the ceiling and the memories of the pain came rushing back. The searing and burning was no longer there, but there was still a dull ache in her left side and a distinct stinging to her right.

"You have some severe burns on your right shoulder and your left side got pretty banged up from landing after you were thrown by the explosion. You're lucky the Killing Curse fire only got your shoulder," he said gravely.

Killing Curse fire – that explained the green flames. Her stomach lurched. How was she even still alive?

"Is everyone else okay? Are you okay?" she breathed, searching his face for any signs of injury.

He nodded but frowned deeply. "Dorcas… She was hit by a Killing Curse, but Arthur said you saw that happen," he responded quietly. Rowan's stomach lurched painfully at the memory of the collapsing woman in a flash of green light. "Everyone else… We're all okay. There were a few broken bones, but nothing more than that. You definitely got the worst of it," he ended bitterly.

She released the breath she'd been holding and relief washed over her like a warm light. "Thank god," she breathed. She closed her eyes as few tears fell. "Thank god." She choked back a sob.

"No," Remus said. She opened her eyes again to look at him. She was startled to see anger boiling in his features.

"No, this wasn't supposed to happen," he bit out. His fists were balled tightly in her bed sheets. "This wasn't supposed to happen! You… You almost died!" She heard the tremble in his voice and wanted desperately to touch him. She struggled to lift her left hand and covered his with it. He grasped it tightly with both of his and doubled over, as if in pain.

"You were screaming. You were covered in the fire, and I couldn't get it out," he sobbed. "I almost lost you!"

She squeezed his hand again. "But you didn't," she said softly. "I'm still here."

Another sob racked through Remus' body and she felt his hot tears on her hand, running between her fingers to her palm. She was so angry that she couldn't move, couldn't hold him. She felt so useless. The tears began to fall from her eyes as well. She felt them run cold down her neck.

Rowan stared up at the ceiling again and listened to the sound of crying that came from both her and Remus. She thought of Edgar Bones' ferocity, and Wisteria's gasping breaths as they ran through the dark woods. Were they together again? The green fire filled her mind, and she had to blink the image away before it consumed her once more. Her arm burned.

A few days after she woke to see Remus, Rowan had regained the strength to sit up and move her arms, though they remained stiff. The frustration and embarrassment she felt at not being able to even do the most basic of things was overwhelming, and she often found herself on the verge of tears with anger at her own weakness.

She discovered that her left side was black and purple, though the bruises faded more and more everyday. Her right arm, however, healed very slowly. From the elbow up to the inside of her shoulder blade, she had screaming red burns that stung when she moved her right arm at all. The Healers said the extensive scar tissue would remain due to the magical properties of the fire she'd been hit with, and as she looked at the horrifying markings along her arm, she realized darkly that she'd belatedly received the indications of her injuries from the year before tenfold.

All of the Order members came to visit her in the evening, though usually in quiet pairs to not disturb her, and Lily stopped in for at least a few minutes everyday since she worked in the hospital. They brought her updates from Order meetings and books to keep her busy while she was there, as she'd been very bored lying in bed all day. Though loud voices still overwhelmed her, she looked forward to the visits from her friends, as they broke the silence of her dark memories of their failed mission.

Though they'd lost Edgar, Wisteria, and Dorcas in the battle, the Bones children were safe, and they'd been able to put about eight Death Eaters behind bars with another three dead from the fighting. Though she knew objectively they had won a serious battle, it seemed like a very large price to pay. She thought of noble Edgar and how much worse off the Wizarding World was without him in it, and she mourned for his children who would never really get to know the great man their father was.

What surprised her most was Belby's visit. When he saw the burns along her arm, his face went pale, and his eyes widened with horror. He didn't say much, but what he did talk about was awkward and only related to work. She felt strangely warm towards the rough man and even dared to touch his hand reassuringly. He snatched his hand away but didn't say anything to reproach her. As he left, he told her stiffly to take the time she needed to heal and that he'd be waiting for her to return. She couldn't find the words to thank him enough.

Leanna had been released from the hospital right before Rowan had entered it, and they joked that they were playing hospital tag. She and her mother came nearly as frequently as Remus, though earlier in the day to keep her company while Remus was at work. The three would chat quietly about the Daily Prophet, and Rowan enjoyed watching the two older women gossip. Sometimes Lyall and her father would even join them, and the joy she felt at seeing them together was dampened by her still dark feelings towards Remus. It was as though fate was dangling an impossible but beautiful future before her eyes, only to snatch it away.

Remus came everyday as she'd expected, and Fabian had even allowed him a few afternoons off to spend with her. He insisted on doing even the most trivial of things for her, and although she appreciated it, her uselessness was increasingly frustrating.

The circles beneath his eyes had darkened considerably, and she knew with guilt that he hadn't been sleeping. He spent a few nights after she'd woken up in the chair next to her, despite her insistence that he go home, and there was a mania in his doting that nearly frightened her.

Even though he'd been obsessed over her care, the rift between them remained. If anything, it had only grown. He could barely make eye contact with her at times, and when he did look at her, it was with a frigid look of barely contained rage. When she asked about the Order, his face would contort with a frightening anger, and it terrified her. It was as if there was another man walking in his skin. She knew objectively that he was probably still traumatized from seeing her so badly injured, but she began dreading her time alone with him. There was no tenderness in his actions, and his movement was stiff, sometimes menacing. She saw no love in his eyes and wondered mourningly if he considered her a burden.

His strange behavior wasn't exclusive to her. In the few occasions that other Order members came in while he was there, she noticed a distinct coolness in his behavior towards them, sometimes even aggression, which startled her. Remus was a reserved man, and he was nothing if not warm and polite, even to those he didn't like. Even their closest friends seemed nervous to be around him. The fear settled deep into her muscles and lungs.

When she asked James and Lily about it, they shifted uneasily and gave her vague answers. She realized with great frustration that the only way she'd be able to get any answers would be to confront him about it, but the thought of asking him such difficult questions when she was already so frightened of him made her tremble with dread.

After about two and a half weeks of being in the hospital, James, Mina, and Sirius had come in to see her right after getting out of work, and she had been thrilled. The four were chatting animatedly, laughing at a story Sirius was telling about a prank he'd pulled on Moody earlier in the day, when Remus came in.

The room hushed as he entered, and Rowan forced a smile to her face, trying to engage all of them as best as she could. She never thought she could feel so uncomfortable in a room with her best friends, but there was an iciness radiating off of Remus that could be felt by all of them.

Sirius coughed and stood, quickly followed by the other two. "Well, we should get going – don't want to intrude on your private time with Moony," he said, grinning awkwardly. He glanced over at his friend, who was avoiding eye contact with him. Rowan felt a surge of anger in her chest at his obvious rudeness but turned back to her friends and smiled genuinely.

"Thank you so much for coming again, you guys. I really appreciate everything," she said warmly.

They brushed off her words of thanks good-naturedly and each hugged her before moving from the room, all of them obviously trying to not look too rushed. As the door shut, Rowan turned angrily towards Remus, who had sat down next to her and was pulling off his jacket jerkily, still bristling noticeably.

"What the hell is going on with you?" she asked. She kicked herself inwardly for attacking him right at the start, but she couldn't think of a single reason for him to be so terribly rude towards his alleged best friends.

His eyes flashed for a moment, but he didn't say anything. After a pause, he answered stiffly, "I don't know what you're talking about."

Her anger flared again. "Seriously? You're going to lie to my face and tell me everything is all right when you just ignored our friends? You've been a total ass to every Order member that's come in here, and you expect me to not notice?" she ranted. He held his gaze away from her, and the anger grew. "I hurt my arm, not my brain! Do you think I'm stupid?" she accused.

Remus looked up at her finally but still didn't answer her. His face was full of barely contained rage, and she could see a muscle in his jaw twitch. She thought vaguely of how frightened she'd been the first time he'd looked at her in such a way and felt that same icy terror seize her. He didn't look like himself at all. His eyes scanned over her face frantically.

"There's a traitor in the Order, Winnie," he bit out venomously.

Rowan was taken aback. She had thought about it during her quiet moments alone, and Moody's angry shouts from that terrible night had echoed through her head over the past couple of weeks: Someone betrayed us.

But she couldn't think of anyone who would betray them to Voldemort. Mundungus Fletcher was the only person whom she considered even slightly suspicious, but he was a thief, not a traitor. She knew that if it came down to it, he'd run, but he'd never sell them to the enemy. It was terrifying, and she tried to not think of it while she recovered, but obviously, it had been a serious concern for the Order outside of the hospital walls.

"What's that have to do with our friends? You couldn't possibly think..." she trailed off, realization hitting her. Her eyes widened with horror. "You think it's one of them!" She was mortified. How could he even think something like that? His mates had loyally stayed by his side through all of the trials they'd faced since the moment they'd met! How could the thought have even occurred to him?

He shook his head but still seethed quietly. "I don't know who it is, but I don't want to take any chances. Whoever betrayed us nearly got you killed, and when I find out who it is, I…" he trailed off. His hands fisted tightly in her bed sheets.

He looked up at her, and she was frightened by the pure hatred there. His eyes were razor sharp and pierced through her painfully. She didn't even recognize him. "I'm going to kill them," he breathed.

A chill shot up her spine, seizing her lungs, and she suddenly didn't know who the man in front of her was. There was no hint of kindness or sorrow there – not even fear. She was scared, terrified of this man. She saw green.

"I'm going to make whomever did this to you pay," he continued. There was a dark depth to his voice she'd never heard before, and it sent an icy wind through her bones. "They're going to suffer for what they've done. I will kill every Death Eater, every traitor, who has ever laid his eyes on you."

The room was spinning, and she had to grasp the sheets to ground herself. Her throat had constricted in fear. She was terrified of him.

"No," she choked.

His eyebrows furrowed, but the overwhelming intensity of his gaze remained. His features remained dark, maniacal, and she inexplicably wanted to shake him violently. Where was Remus?

"No, not like this," she gasped. She fought back the heat that had rushed to her face. "I know there's a traitor in the Order, but it shouldn't happen like this!" The heat was overwhelming her. "It's not one of our friends – you know it's not one of our friends! Why are you acting like this?" she cried.

"The war is changing you, Remus! You would never have accused one of your best friends of betraying us before we joined the war," she said desperately. He was still looking at her with that frigid expression. He felt so far away from her. Why couldn't she reach him?

The tears began to fall. "We'll leave the Order! We don't need to keep fighting anymore. We can just leave, so please!" she begged. She wasn't even sure what she was saying anymore. She grabbed his hands frantically, but they remained balled up and tight. He didn't budge. His face remained stony and hard, and she suddenly wanted to get away from him, to put as much distance between them as possible. She didn't know this man.

An overwhelming wave of grief hit her. She'd lost so much already to this damned war, and now she'd lost the one thing she'd always thought would remain constant. Where was Remus? He was supposed to be kind. He was always kind! When had he changed? How could she have not noticed it? This wasn't the boy she fell in love with, the man she'd been building her future around. She didn't know this person. He terrified her, and she couldn't even stand looking at him.

"I don't know you anymore," she breathed. Her tears spilled hotly and freely. Remus' expression didn't change, and she felt defeated, exhausted. "I don't know who you are. I-" she gasped. She didn't know how to continue. His silence was maddening. She couldn't even remember Remus' voice. She needed to hear him respond desperately, but he just stared through her as if she wasn't even there.

She wanted him gone. She wanted Remus, but she didn't know where to find him. He wasn't there – he wasn't anywhere.

"You've left me," she cried. She covered her face, suddenly ashamed of letting this stranger see her tears. "You've left me behind!"

She wept and felt the sobs shake her body. Remus didn't move, didn't touch her, and she felt her grief even more desperately as she realized that he truly wasn't there. The man beside her was a stranger – she didn't know him. She cried until her voice went hoarse.

As her sobs calmed, her breathing still ragged, she heard him stand from his chair, but she didn't look up. She was terrified to look at him, to see someone else walking in Remus' skin, in his bones. He didn't say anything as he moved to the door, and when she finally removed her hands, it was if he'd never been there at all.