A/N: Sad, sad, sad...
missalex3030: Ahhh so glad you like Peter's chapter. I'm pretty excited about developing his story, but he's so hard to write about. And you totally get where I'm going with Remus. Wheee, thank you!
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Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Chapter 14: Of Old Scars and New Wounds
After their discussion about the Order's traitor, Remus didn't return to see her again, and she knew that the rift had finally snapped. Their friends increased their visits to help make up for the void that had been left, though they weren't able to tell her what he'd been up to since she'd last seen him. There was a stiffness to the way they spoke that made her uneasy, but she couldn't get them to tell her why. They tried to comfort her with reassurances that he loved her, but she wasn't sure if even they believed it.
There had been no love in his voice or movements for weeks, only blind anger and violence. She was beginning to think that she'd hallucinated the gentle man that she'd woken to. She wasn't sure where the man who had loved her was, but she wanted to believe that he was just lost in a storm of rage and fear. She missed him to the point of agony.
Rowan left the hospital by the last week of October, and though she wanted to be happy to finally be free of her imprisonment, she couldn't muster up even the effort to try. Her parents insisted on her staying with them for a couple of weeks while her arm continued to heal, and she didn't have the energy to fight them on it.
As she unwound the bandages from her arm and shoulder that first night in her old bedroom, she numbly noted the expanses of rusty scabs over her limbs and the small blotches of red that stained the inside of the gauzy bandages. She stood in front of her mirror naked and turned slowly to finally see the visual damage that had been left. Her hipbones and ribs protruded from her skin unnaturally from the weight that she'd lost, and there were dark circles beneath her eyes. The bruising on her left side had faded to a sickening yellow, but the achiness was gone. She felt surprisingly empty at the sight of the red and brown burns that covered the back of her right arm, shoulder, and back. They trailed up to the base of her neck and down slightly past her shoulder blade. She knew they would never truly heal.
She told herself that one day she would look at her old scars with pride and know that she'd been a true soldier, but for now, they only left her feeling heavy with loneliness. She wondered if Remus ever looked at his own scars that way.
Despite the fact that her son had left Rowan, Leanna Lupin still insisted on spending time with the young woman. She had continued to visit her frequently at the hospital, and a few days after she'd been released, she invited her into their home for the first time to have tea.
It pained Rowan more than she'd expected to see the older woman. Every time she looked at Remus' mother, she saw all of his gentle features and mannerisms, and she grieved for the man she'd lost. He had been pushed into obsession because of her injury, and now she couldn't bring him back. Did Leanna know?
As she stepped into the house from the crisp November afternoon, she scanned over the warm tones of the wooden floors and the general feeling of comfort the house gave. It was a much gentler place than her own home, she thought, and she could easily imagine how a young Remus would become so kind growing up in such a place. It felt very bittersweet.
Rowan and Leanna fell into easy conversation as they always did, and Rowan could almost forget the awkwardness of being in her former boyfriend's childhood home. Her eyes scanned the walls and saw pictures of him as a young boy, before his Hogwarts years. She'd forgotten how thin and tiny he'd been when they were younger – he had been smaller than her until their Fourth Year when he finally seemed to catch up with the rest of the boys. She smiled faintly – who knew he'd end up being the tallest out of all of them?
There were even a few photos with her and the Marauders in them from their Hogwarts years, and she felt a dull pain in her chest. Their lives had turned out so differently from the way they'd imagined while in school. She wished they'd been born in a different time.
Leanna's voice broke her from her sad thoughts. "Will you tell me what's happened to Remus?" she asked quietly.
Rowan looked at her and suddenly felt very ashamed. Wasn't all of this partially her fault? She knew she couldn't be blamed for getting hurt, but the reason he'd lost himself was because of her. If she'd just had the courage to break up with him after James and Lily's wedding, this might not have happened.
"I don't know," she answered quietly. She stared dazedly at the cup in her hands and felt the warm ceramic beneath her fingers. "I don't even know who he is anymore," she whispered ashamedly.
Leanna gazed at her with furrowed brows but said nothing, waiting for Rowan to continue.
"After I was attacked, it was like he was a different person," she said. "He was cold to our friends and even to me. He discovered that there's a traitor in the Order," she admitted quietly.
Leanna's eyes widened with fear, and Rowan grimaced but continued. "He's determined to find out who it is, but it's become an obsession. It's violent and dark and wrong. He's even suspecting our friends, and nothing I say can reach him," she despaired. Her hands clutched at the teacup tightly.
"I don't know what to do," she whimpered. "All I want is to be with him, but I can't find him anywhere!" She blinked rapidly as she felt the stinging emerge.
A hand gripped her forearm, and she looked up. Leanna was gazing at her with watery eyes, and Rowan felt the guilt rip through her again.
"You are such a good girl," she said softly. Rowan frowned deeply.
"I worry so much about him – every moment of the day," Leanna continued. "He's been avoiding us, and we were so scared that something had happened to him," she said tearfully. "Thank you," she said gratefully.
Rowan's frowned deepened. "But I haven't done anything," she protested. She was so confused – how could this woman be so calm?
But Leanna didn't answer and stood with her teacup, carefully balancing it with her good arm and walking towards the kitchen counter. Rowan continued to frown and stare into her cup. Her reflection in the tea was red. Was it just the distortion of the liquid, or were her cheeks more sunken than usual? She mused bitterly that she looked like Remus.
Suddenly there was a shattering of glass, and Rowan leapt to her feet and spun around. Leanna was doubled over and leaning against the counter unsteadily. The teacup had shattered over the floor in pieces. She was gripping her left arm tightly, and her eyelids were drooping unnaturally.
"Leanna!" she cried, running to the woman's side and grabbing her by the shoulders, ignoring the painful crunching of the glass cutting into her feet. Panic seized her lungs. She held the older woman firmly and looked around the kitchen wildly. What was she supposed to do?
It was too dangerous to put her down in the middle of the broken glass, and she couldn't reach her wand. She realized with horror that she was going to have to carry her to the door. Gripping her tightly, she lifted her with difficulty and cursed at her body for still being so weak. In a burst of adrenaline, she stumbled towards the door with the older woman in her arms. The sole of her left foot was bleeding from a piece of ceramic gouged into her heel. As soon as she hit the front porch, she Disapparated with Leanna in her arms. They collapsed in a heap in front of St. Mungo's to a flurry of surprised shouts.
"Somebody help me! I need a Healer now!" she shouted. Wizards and witches stared at her with bewilderment, and she felt a surge of anger. "NOW!" she screamed, and a couple of witches ran into the building, shouting for help.
Rowan looked down at the limp woman in her arms. Her eyes had rolled into the back of her head, and Rowan felt the panic seize her again. She cradled her head gently and squeezed her hands, shaking them.
"Leanna! Leanna! You have to stay with me! Please!" she begged hysterically. She could barely see beyond her tears.
A group of Healers suddenly appeared, levitating the woman out of Rowan's arms and onto a stretcher. She scrambled to her feet and ran after them into the building but was grabbed by another Healer.
"Miss, your foot is bleeding!" he rushed.
Rowan felt a surge of anger. "My friend is in there! I have to be with her!" she said, pushing the man off of her, but he grabbed her arm and yanked her back.
"You can't go in there though! No one's allowed in there except for patients and Healers! And you're bleeding all over the floor! We need to fix your foot before it gets infected!" he reasoned desperately.
She screamed in frustration and looked about her wildly. Leanna had disappeared behind a pair of private doors with the Healers, and she knew the pestering man was right. She felt the tears overcome her again and pounded her fist against the wall, crying in anger. She slid down it slowly in defeat as she felt the man stoop down to tend to her foot. The sharp pain of the glass being pulled from her heel compared nothing to the grief that seized her.
The rest of the day swept by in a dark haze, and Rowan lost track of time. She waited numbly at St. Mungo's for Lyall and Remus after sending them Patronuses. They both arrived only minutes after.
She felt empty and tired standing in the waiting room in front of them, barefoot with her left foot bandaged. She knew she should feel embarrassed by her appearance, but she couldn't seem to muster much emotion at all. She remembered vaguely that there would be blood and broken glass on their floor when they returned home.
Rowan couldn't raise her eyes to meet either of the men's faces and felt even more ashamed at her inability to even communicate with people she was supposedly close to. But she was terrified to see Remus – he'd already left her, and now his mother was hurt again. Would he blame her? Hadn't their conversation been what instigated Leanna's second stroke? Her stomach felt empty but heavy, and she wanted to be anywhere else.
Lyall had gripped her tightly in an embrace before she left and whispered words of gratitude to her, but she felt like they were all very misplaced. Remus made no move towards her or indication that he wanted to speak to her. She left feeling very empty. When she arrived home, her mother and Alfred were frantic at her appearance. She relayed what had happened to them numbly but couldn't remember a single word of it later or how they'd responded. She went up to bed after without dinner and fell into a deep dreamless asleep immediately.
When she woke early the next day, Carole was seated at the kitchen table crying. Leanna Lupin had died in the middle of the night.
A wave of despair crashed over Rowan. She heard it rushing through her ears and felt as if her body was being swept away. Before she knew it, she was on the front porch of the Lupins' house knocking on the door. She didn't know how or when she'd dressed herself, but she dumbly recognized that she was wearing shoes and even a coat. It was quite cold.
She was surprised to see Sirius answer the door. He smiled in relief at her and swooped her up into a fierce embrace, which she returned. She suddenly felt very warm and happier than she'd been in ages to see her friend. Her surroundings seemed to come into focus. Had she been sleepwalking?
The Lupins' living room was full of her friends. Mina, Lily, and Peter were writing out letters, and James was washing dishes in the kitchen. The broken teacup and blood were gone from the floor.
Lyall sat in a large leather chair looking dazed. His eyes were closed, but Rowan somehow knew he wasn't asleep. Her friends all looked up as she entered the room, and their faces all washed over with the same smiles of relief that Sirius had shown. Lyall opened his eyes at the sudden greetings and smiled thinly at Rowan. He tried to stand, but she rushed forward and made him sit back down. She knelt down beside him and grasped his hand tightly in both of hers.
"Lyall," she choked out. Why was it so hard for her to speak? "Lyall, I'm so sorry," she said. She wasn't sure why she was apologizing, but it felt like the appropriate thing to do. The guilt spread through her again.
He covered her hands with his own and smiled gently. "You silly girl," he breathed. His eyes crinkled fondly at her. "There's nothing to be sorry for," he said kindly.
She shook her head but said nothing. She felt the tears emerge again but blinked them away.
He smiled gently at her. "I should be thanking you," he said softly. "If you hadn't been there…" he trailed off. He breathed shakily and gripped her hands almost painfully. "I'm eternally grateful to you. You've been so good to our family, and you were a wonderful friend to Leanna."
She shook her head again. "No," she choked, "You've been too good to me, much better than I deserve. I should've been able to do more."
He continued to smile at her but said nothing. He leaned back again and closed his eyes, breathing deeply. She looked around the room at all of her friends, who had gone back to their tasks. Sirius had joined James in the kitchen, and she noted fondly how strange it was to see them in such a domestic setting – under any other circumstances, she would've laughed. Peter and the girls were silently writing very serious letters...
Grief hit her again – they were funeral service arrangements.
"Where is Remus?" she asked quietly, mostly to herself.
Lyall sighed but didn't look up. "He's upstairs. He hasn't come down since we came home last night," he said without opening his eyes.
Rowan's chest constricted, and she stood slowly, releasing Lyall's hands. He opened his eyes and gazed up at her calmly.
"He misses you," he said softly.
Rowan didn't respond but looked at the older man sadly. He smiled and then closed his eyes again.
Rowan turned and walked into the hallway towards the stairs. They were the same warm brown wood of the floors, and as she gazed up them, she imagined Remus' steady gait as they'd walked up the moving stairs at Hogwarts together when they were younger. She found her feet lifting one after the other, feeling the cool wood beneath her toes.
At the top of the stairs, she peered into the three open rooms, which were the toilet and two empty bedrooms. The large size of one told her that it was Lyall and Leanna's room. The bed was neatly done, and Rowan was reminded of Remus' clean habits.
The last door down the hall was closed, and she felt her throat constrict, realizing that it was Remus'. As she stood in front of it, she took in the basic details of the door and noted numbly that it was all quite normal. But he'd grown up here. How many of his fingerprints were imprinted into this doorknob? How many times had he slammed this door shut in anger as a child? She was struck by how much she didn't know about him and wanted desperately to see him.
As she raised her hand to knock on the door, she took a shaky breath and prayed that she would finally find Remus in this room. Perhaps he'd been waiting there all along.