"What are you thinking about?" asked Renee after repeating her question to Dean for the third time.
"What?" He finally started to be aware of the reality, but he had no idea what she had asked him, now or before. Somehow he got lost in his thoughts and totally forgot that he was not alone. But even though Renee got his attention and made him realize that they were in the middle of a conversation and he should focus on her only, he couldn't stop thinking about that other thing. He glanced at his phone. It seemed to be hypnotizing him and asking Dean for attention. It was lying there on the table and Dean's mind tried to come up with the best way, without raising suspicion, to take it and leave to make a phone call. But there was no way that could happen. And soon Dean realized he was staring at it.
"Are you waiting for a call?" Renee asked directly.
"No," he replied and tried to force himself to let it go. It could wait anyway. "So . . ." he tried to take her mind off his possible intentions, "you were saying?"
She spoke slowly, trying to figure out what was happening with Dean, "I asked if you were going home this week?"
"I don't know," he said. In reality, he knew precisely what his plans for those few days off were. But it wasn't that he was lying intentionally or hiding it from Renee; he just wasn't in a state of mind to give her a coherent answer.
"I was thinking that . . ." She paused to make sure Dean was listening and understanding her words, "maybe you could come with me to New York."
"Ha . . . Well, that's a possibility." He certainly didn't satisfy her with this answer. Nor with his attitude. He didn't seem to be interested in the topic at all.
Renee had for a while this feeling that something was wrong. It was actually more than just a feeling. She had no idea if it had something to do with her or what it was about in general. Dean was very secretive and although Renee knew Roman and Seth had some information, she wouldn't get it from them. Maybe it was best that she knew nothing, she thought. But this stage of their relationship was worrying her. This thing, problem, or whatever it was, was not temporary.
"I can't go with you to New York," Dean said suddenly. He hoped it didn't sound like he didn't want to spend that time with her, but he didn't put much effort into convincing her it wasn't that.
"Oh, all right." Clearly it upset her a little but she tried not to let it show.
"I'm sorry," Dean said and abruptly stood up and ran out of the room, taking his phone with him.
There was nobody outside but for feeling more free he left the building completely. Only then he could make that phone call.
"Hi, Cassie. I . . ." Suddenly all the words that he wanted to say disappeared from his mind. He didn't reach her, he knew he wouldn't, she was probably working, but he wanted to leave her a message. He had been planning what to say for at least half an hour. He had it all figured out. Except that now that little speech he had prepared didn't seem suitable. He ended the call without actually saying anything that would make sense.
When Dean opened the door to go back inside, he felt irritated. That atmosphere inside was suffocating; he couldn't go back there. He closed the door and stood outside for a while, to get some fresh air. He could smell the fumes from the cars but it was still making him less nauseated than the indoors. He loved those hallways but right now he hated them. It reminded him of all the problems that seemed to be coming from everywhere. Suddenly he realized what he wanted to do. He took the phone out of his pocket again and dialed the same number. Again, nobody answered. As soon as he heard the beep sound telling him he could start speaking, he said, "I'm going home. I need to see you." And he really did. With all that was going on around him, she was the one person that he would feel relaxed around. He refused the uninvited, sudden idea that it meant something. Dean argued this need to be with her to himself that it was all because of her optimistic nature that always made him careless. He couldn't quite explain it, but Cassie made him feel alive.
He stayed outside for another five minutes. He felt better now, though. That feeling of sickness was gone and he could breathe again. The only problem was that he was alone; he felt alone. Not lonely, just really alone. And he started feeling nauseated again. He leaned forward for he thought he might throw up, but he only coughed. He felt hot; he put his hand on his forehead to see if he wasn't feverish. He couldn't tell; but he definitely didn't feel very well. Despite that, he decided to go back inside. But his hands were shaking and his heart was beating fast. He was losing his sight. He ran into the bathroom. He spent there a couple of minutes, mostly sitting on the cold floor. He was grateful that nobody came in the whole time he was in there. When he looked in the mirror, the face reflecting back to him seemed unknown. It looked really weary and greenish. But he knew it was him. He looked awful. Nobody could see him walking around looking like a zombie. He splashed icy cold water over his face, a couple of times, until he felt more or less okay. It wasn't great but it wouldn't get any better, he thought to himself. He dried his hands and walked outside the bathroom.
He didn't get back to Renee. He was forcibly stopped on his way there by Seth. He took him by his arm and dragged him few feet away from where he was initially standing. When they were alone, and there was nobody in sight, Seth shouted at him in a whisper, "You're such an idiot." That annoyed the hell out of Dean. But he realized Seth probably had a good reason to call him that. "You can't break up with Renee." So Roman talked. Now Seth very likely knew everything that Dean had said to Roman. Dean was stupid if he thought this wouldn't happen.
"Calm down," Dean said. He too kept his voice not too loud. "I'm not going to break up with her."
"Good." Seth was surprised, but he made himself look confident. As if he was the one who managed to change Dean's mind.
"I can't do it," Dean said. Since Dean kept talking, Seth didn't need to ask him why, which would sound stupid anyway. Though, he was curious why Dean decided not to do it; from what Seth heard from Roman, Dean was assured of it being the best thing to do. Dean continued, "I don't want to do it."
Only now Seth noticed that Dean looked quite . . . well, not himself. He was pale and seemed weak. Seth even felt bad for him for a short moment, even though he was still pissed at him for so many things. "Are you all right?" he had to ask.
"Yeah, whatever." Dean didn't want to talk about how he felt, physically. He didn't want to talk about his mental feelings either but he had to; it would at least gain him some sympathy from Seth. That's what Dean thought, anyway.
Seth accepted Dean's unwillingness to talk about his health, so he returned to the original topic. "When I said I would tell Renee everything if you didn't stop seeing Cassie, you breaking up with Renee was the last thing I wanted to achieve by it. I know this is hard for you both but it's not the end of the world. Roman told me you think if I tell Renee the truth, she will no longer want to be in a relationship with you . . . or something similar, but I think this is where you're wrong. She loves you, for Christ's sake. She's not going to stop loving you just because you lied to her. I mean, I wouldn't judge her if she did, I know I would, but I'm positive she won't. If you think telling her what's going on will bring an end to you two, then you don't know Renee."
"I wish you were right."
"I am right," Seth assured him. He was pretty confident about this too.
Then there was silence. Nobody was walking by but they didn't say anything anyway. Only after a minute or so Dean broke the silence by saying, "I don't want to risk it anyway."
"Damn it, Dean!" Seth couldn't hold back his emotions. "You cannot lie to her!"
"Technically, I'm not lying to her."
"Fuck you and your technically. You're not honest with her. Don't you think she deserves to know the truth?"
"She deserves not to be hurt. If she knew what I've been doing behind her back, she'd be hurt."
"One day she'll find out." Dean wanted to say something, but Seth was quicker. "It may not be me she'll get it from. It doesn't matter how she learns about it; what I'm saying is when she does, it'll be worse than if you told her now." Seth sighed, tired of how stubborn Dean was. "Just tell her yourself, okay?"
Dean seemed to have understood and surrendered. But then he asked, "What if she asks me to stop seeing Cassie?"
It wouldn't surprise Seth. Of course she will, he said to himself. "Then you do it."
"I can't."
"Yeah, I've heard, you need her." Seth said it with unhidden sarcasm. That was another incomprehensible, strange thing. Funny, in a way. Dean needing guidance. And from his ex-girlfriend. Seth wondered what she thought about it. It had to feel inappropriate and awkward to her. But still, Seth imagined that she was okay with it. She wouldn't do it if she didn't want to, would she?
"It's not just that I need her. I'm not that selfish. It'd be unfair to her. She's been there for me for so long and now I'm supposed to dump her?"
"Don't make me feel bad for you."
"Not for me, for her."
"Since when do you care how other people feel, anyway?"
"She's my friend. Why is it so hard for you to understand that I care about her? And why do I get this impression that you hate her?"
"It's not that I hate her," Seth said. He didn't like her either, though. Well, he did when he met her. But now she's pure evil, in Seth's eyes. "I just don't like that you fight for her so much. You seem to be willing to sacrifice your relationship with Renee just so that you can still spend time with her," Seth pronounced it as if it was a vulgarism.
It was apparent that Seth really didn't trust Dean. "I've told you I haven't cheated on Renee or anything."
"I know. I'm just worried that you might if you keep her around."
"That's not going to happen."
"How can you know that? Do you remember how crazy you were about her when you were together?" Seth reminded him. Dean really let go of those memories. They were still in his mind, but they were well-hidden. At least Dean believed so. "This game is dangerous, Dean. You can't just pretend it's safe to hang out with your ex. Especially when you ended it on good terms. Tell me, honestly, did you ever even have an argument?"
"No," Dean admitted. It didn't take him long to come with an answer. He knew he never fought with Cassie, not when they were dating, not now.
"And I've seen her. She's . . ." Seth smiled. "She's not the kind of girl you want to be just friends with."
"I've got this under control," Dean assured him.
Seth shook his head. "No, you don't."