A/N: A little bit of Rowan, a little bit of Peter. A little bit of mourning and a little bit of happiness. This might be one of my favorite chapter so far, though I can't figure out why.

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you and to our favorite fictional couple. Know what would be the perfect V-Day gift for me? A REVIEW!

Also, have you watched the new season of House of Cards on Netflix. I just started. Kevin Spacey gives me shivers. I love the ruthless pragmatist.

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Chapter 19: Of Finding Courage in the Darkness

They didn't hold a funeral service for Damocles Belby. He had only his estranged brother and very few friends, and Rowan imagined that he wouldn't have wanted one anyway. She had his body cremated and took his remains to the small northern town where Rowan had found that Marie Acina was born in. She and Remus stood on a high hill in the cold February morning and released her master's ashes into a strong wind, praying that he would find Marie there.

She also took it upon herself to settle Belby's legal affairs. She and her father sat down with a law official to go over the deeds to his will and was shocked to find that he had left nearly all of his monetary estate to Remus. Remus, who had stayed by her side almost constantly since the fire, was flabbergasted and confused. The two men had interacted only a handful of times, and those interactions had been stiff, at best. Though he certainly wasn't a rich man, Rowan realized that supporting Remus even with the little money he had was probably Belby's own way of making up for the hurt he'd committed against his beloved Marie.

Remus had initially refused all of the money, horrified and ashamed that the man had left him anything when he barely knew him, but Rowan had insisted that it was what Belby wanted. He begrudgingly accepted it after seeing the earnestness in Rowan's eyes, but she knew he was still very displeased with it. She had to admit to herself that the idea that Remus had some money to fall back onto relieved her greatly, though she would never tell him that out loud.

As for the shop, lab, and all of his personal belongings, he left everything to Rowan. She went through his flat after, feeling uncomfortable and invasive, but found that he truly owned very little. He lived almost monastically in a simple apartment with stark furniture and a single photo of Marie by his bedside. The only thing of real value that he had passed onto her was his extensive library on potion making and lycanthropy. She wondered what his home had looked like when Marie had been alive.

Rowan returned to the apothecary a few days after settling Belby's affairs to see the full extent of the damage done. The entire shop was blackened and burnt, and all of the glass bottles that had lined the shelves were either melted or shattered. The stairs leading down to the basement were in burnt shambles, so she couldn't even enter the basement, but she knew she wouldn't find anything worth saving down there anyway. Alexander's body had been burnt completely to ashes, and Rowan wondered sadly if perhaps the bird had joined Belby in the afterlife.

But still, his apartment and the property were hers. She decided to put the apartment up for rent but remained unsure as to what to do with the shop. Though the insurance policy would cover many of the costs that she'd have to pay to fix it, the thought of entering that shop again without her master in it sent a sharp pang of guilt and grief through her. She decided to leave it for the time being while she took the time to mourn.

In the wake of the deaths of so many of her loved ones, Rowan was left reeling. She had lost several comrades, a mother figure, and now her mentor. She sat in her apartment alone for a week after settling everything to consider her next steps.

Now that Belby was gone, she no longer had a job. The box that Fabian had been able to save from the lab had, by some miracle, contained most of the more critical notes and information that they'd discovered, but most of her work was gone. She wasn't a licensed Potions Master and no longer had a teacher. The majority of what she'd been working towards had burned in the fire along with her mentor, and though she knew she could recreate what they'd done, it would require time and energy that she wasn't sure she could muster anymore.

She knew logically that she didn't have to work. Her family was wealthy enough to support her comfortably until the day she died, but the lack of purpose left her feeling empty, and the promise that she'd made to Remus all those years ago still resonated freshly in her heart. She needed to do something, to be able to work with her hands, but she didn't know where to start. Where would she even find the space to begin researching again? Could she do it alone? She knew this would be the ideal time to dedicate herself to the Order, but after considering everything the war had taken from her already, she suddenly felt very bitter.

For days, Rowan considered the memories that Belby had shown her and why he'd chosen to give them to her. She supposed they explained the reasons that she'd questioned for so long, of why he'd dedicated his life to finding a cure for such a condition, and she was honored and moved that he'd use his last moments to give her such precious memories. And they were so precious, something to be polished and cherished. She wondered if the day would ever come when she would feel the need to share her memories of Remus with someone else.

But one thing she couldn't wrap her head around was why Belby and Marie had been in the mountains of Hungary, of all places, the night she'd died. She remembered the broken white flowers scattered by their feet in that desolate hut and the glowing field. Had he been there thinking that they could heal her? They had never used Bakony Lunar Flowers in their research, in any of their potions – had he found them inconclusive? There was very little research done on them surprisingly – she would've thought that witches and wizards would jump at the chance to study such beautiful plants. She couldn't shake the image from her mind. She desperately wanted to see the field of light, to watch the blossoms glow with her own eyes.

Rowan looked out of the window and saw that the snow had finally begun to melt. Everything looked very wet and dull, and she thought of Damocles Belby's gray eyes as his silvery memories slipped from them.

Rowan looked about her anxiously. The Marauders had dragged her out for the night for drinks, as they'd all been very worried about her. She was very grateful for her friends' concern, but it still irked her to be surrounded by so much noise when the voices in her head were already so loud. She swirled the glass of firewhiskey in her hand but didn't drink much from it. The ice had begun to melt, diluting the liquid to a light amber. It was such a warm color.

The boys had taken it upon themselves to act as normally as possible, and Rowan could almost believe that they were just out for any regular night at the pub. Mina was telling a story about how mad Moody had gotten at Sirius earlier that week for completely disrupting a basic drill by tripping over his robes and tearing down the entire Auror training camp, and the boys were laughing maniacally at him. Even Remus looked at ease, and Rowan watched him fondly with a bittersweet feeling.

He had devotedly stayed by her side throughout the entire ordeal, even when she'd withdrawn into her cave to consider her options. He didn't push her to talk to him but came and went quietly, making sure that she ate and took care of herself. He often chose to just sit with her in the silence, and she appreciated his patience with her. She remembered dully that he still had a key to her flat and wondered if she should ask for it back. Would it be right after all that he'd done for her?

But she knew that she couldn't ask for it back, even if it was inappropriate for her ex-boyfriend to still have free access to her space. She still had his key as well, after all. Even if their relationship was over - even though life's cruel circumstances wouldn't allow them to be together - she knew that the gravity of their experiences would always keep them tied to each other. She was beginning to come to terms with the fact that they would continue this strange dance, probably forever. It was slightly comforting to know that he'd always be there, and yet the dull ache remained.

As she watched him laugh along with their friends, she found it hard to imagine how he could've been so cold just a month before. There were no indications of the darkness that she'd seen in him, and she wondered if it were perhaps all a dream. He was so warm, so kind again. How could she have ever thought him cold?

The tension that had existed between him and the Order members still remained, however, and she'd felt extremely uncomfortable in the few occasions that they'd run into their comrades together. And though he and their friends had seemingly reconciled, she could still see the uneasy glances they'd shoot his way occasionally. It made her chest constrict with anxiety. Were those dark thoughts still there, bubbling beneath the surface? Were they afraid of him?

Lily and Mina stood to use the powder room, and Rowan took the opportunity to go outside for a moment. She needed some air.

As she sat outside in the cold, she swirled her drink in her hands. She saw the white light above her, a waning half moon. She held her glass up to it and let the light shine through, and she thought again about the glowing flowers in Belby's memory.

Suddenly, she heard the door of the pub swing open, the loud volume from inside magnifying for a moment before fading away as the door closed. She looked up expecting to see Remus with his concerned face but instead saw Peter. He looked just as confused as she was to be out there.

"Hey, Winnie," he said nervously. "Do you mind if I sit with you a bit? It's pretty loud in there," he said.

She smiled gently and scooted over to offer more of the bench to him. He sat down with a sigh and fidgeted nervously. Rowan smiled knowingly at him and marveled at how he could still be so awkward around her after knowing her for so long.

"Pete, relax. I thought I was supposed to be the anxious one tonight," she teased warmly.

He looked up at her and blushed slightly but smiled sheepishly. She smiled back – he was such a nice boy. They sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments before he spoke again.

"How are you feeling?" he asked softly.

Rowan took a deep breath. "I don't know, honestly," she said slowly. "I'm okay, I guess. I just don't really know what to do with myself right now, you know?" she breathed, staring up at the sky. It seemed endless, and she felt very small.

Peter nodded and assessed her quietly. "Do you think you'll be coming back to the Order soon?" he inquired.

Rowan frowned and looked down at her drink. It looked so different against the dark color of her trousers compared to the light of the sky.

"Yeah," she said softly, sadly. "I don't want to, but I have to," she admitted softly.

Peter's face scrunched up in confusion. "What do you mean?" he asked.

Rowan looked over at him. His beady eyes were looking at her with so much concern, and she realized how little she knew about him. He was always such a nervous boy and was still a nervous man. In all the years she'd known him, she had spoken to him very little compared to the rest of the group. He was a couple of inches taller than her, but he seemed very small for some reason.

She smiled sadly. "I just have to," she replied. "I'm really scared," she admitted. His eyes widened at her confession. "I hate it, but after how far I've come, I wouldn't be able to look at myself if I turned back now, you know? I feel like it'd be an insult to Edgar and Belby."

"You're scared?" he asked, disbelievingly.

She smiled wryly at him. "Of course, I'm scared," she said matter-of-factly. "I think everyone is. My arm hurts all the time still. I'm fucking terrified of going out and fighting again." Her lip trembled, and Peter focused on the small movement with fear in his eyes.

"But I have to do it," she whispered. Peter thought that it was more to herself than to him, and she'd never seemed so human, so delicate before. He'd always seen her as a strong wind, a force of unwavering conviction. "I have to. I'll never be able to face my parents or any of you if I quit now, right?" she said with forced determination.

She turned and smiled at him, the old spark that he knew in her flickering dimly, but still there.

"I'm scared too," he admitted. Her gaze softened at him. "I want to quit all the time, but I have no idea how," he whispered. He couldn't believe that he was confessing this to her. Wouldn't she be ashamed of him? She'd just said that she would keep fighting after all that she'd been through, and yet he was telling her how cowardly he was! What was wrong with him?

Rowan smiled gently, and he felt like her light was spilling into his throat, smothering him. "It's hard," she whispered. "Our friends are so brave, and it's hard to put up a front and act like you feel the same way," she said. His eyes widened in awe.

"But you're braver than you think," she said fiercely, and the fire was back in her eyes. The heat overwhelmed him. He realized dimly that he was barely breathing. "You've kept fighting even though you're scared. Isn't that proof enough that you have more courage than you give yourself credit for?" she asked fervently.

Peter was overcome. She was gazing at him with such a burning fire. No one had ever looked at him that way – not Maria, not his mother, not his mates. He understood suddenly why Remus always came back to her no matter how many times he'd pushed her away – he would go to the ends of the earth to have someone look at him like that again. He wanted to tell her that she was brave too, that she made him feel brave.

But then the door swung open again, and they both jerked up, peering over to the entrance. Remus was standing there looking at them with a confused frown. Peter looked back at Rowan and saw that burning look in her eyes again, but it wasn't focused at him – it was fixed on Remus. He was startled by the envy that sprang to his throat.

Remus walked over to them, and as he approached, Rowan smiled gently at him. It was different from the way she had looked at Peter, and he saw a yearning there that made his chest ache.

"It's cold out here. You two will get sick if you don't come back inside soon," he said warmly. He held his hand out, and Rowan took it gently, smiling up at her former boyfriend as she stood. Peter felt warm just watching them and wondered at how they could stand to be apart when they obviously still loved each other. He felt a strange sadness at the thought.

But then Rowan's gaze was back on him, and he felt his face redden at the bright grin that was stretched across her lips.

"Ready?" she asked happily. Her light seemed to magnify in Remus' presence.

He nodded slowly and stood, following them inside. He saw Remus' hand hover over her waist as they moved back to the table, not touching her but clearly marking that she was his. Peter watched Remus' face as he looked at her when she wasn't paying attention and was struck by the hunger there. They suddenly seemed much more beautiful than Mina and Sirius had ever been. He had to look away, afraid that if he stared too long, he would be blinded by their light.