A/N: Hi everyone, I'm going to be slowing down with the updates. I realized I'm putting too much effort into writing this silly thing, just objectively. I'm going to take the time to reevaluate where I'm going with the narrative, and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about some of the chapters I've already posted. While I'm away, please consider shooting me a PM or something [I've given up on the reviews...] if you have any constructive criticism as to how you think the story could improve, etc. Thanks again for following along!
sarahmichellegellarfan1: Thanks for the kind words, as always! Remus and Rowan never explicitly said, "We should break up," but it's just kind of a silent understanding between them that being together has been hurtful for the both of them. Sorry if I didn't make that really clear.
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Chapter 20: Of Knowing One's Place
While she tried to figure out her next steps regarding her work with Belby, Rowan returned to the Order of the Phoenix. Her comrades were all delighted to see her, and Molly even insisted on having a small welcome back celebration to commemorate her recovery. The thought of a party frightened her slightly, but at the eagerness on the older woman's face, she found that she couldn't say no.
After the fire, the Death Eaters had become quiet, and the Order took the opportunity to enjoy the moment as best as they could. If they'd learned anything over the past dark months, it was that they had to cherish the peaceful times the best they could. Rowan seemed to represent that for all of them.
Remus had retained his habit of hovering, and Rowan was unsure as to how to feel about it. She appreciated how much he cared, but it seemed that his protectiveness hadn't lessened at all since they'd broken up. In fact, after Belby's death, it had only increased. But he didn't shoot her the same starved looks as before, and she didn't know if the ache she felt was for him or the memory of their time together. They'd returned to a comfortable friendship, though unconventional, and she wondered idly if she'd be able to stand seeing him with another woman. She knew the answer would probably be no, but it amused her slightly to entertain the idea.
The "small" gathering that Molly had planned instead ended up being quite a party. As Rowan sat on the couch in the Headquarters living room, she thought to herself a bit sourly that she really should have expected it, considering her friends. Sirius and James had taken it upon themselves to make Rowan know how thrilled they were to have her back and recovered as loudly as possible, and though she really appreciated how much they cared about her, she was quickly growing overwhelmed. She spent the great majority of the party subdued, talking quietly with Lily, Mina, and Alice Longbottom in the corner.
But she had to admit that the night was entertaining. Sirius and James had enchanted the various sweets that Molly had baked so that they danced around the edges of the room in a floating line. It reminded Rowan of a Muggle film that she'd once seen with James as children. Fabian and Gideon Prewett had even performed a strange sort of jig together for the entertainment of the group, and Rowan laughed and clapped at the ludicrous dynamic the two shared. She imagined that they could make quite a lot of money if they went into comedy.
Throughout the night, her various comrades approached her to tell her how happy they were to have her back. She was overwhelmed by the sudden attention. Kingsley warmly and elegantly told her that her light had been sorely missed, and Dedalus Diggle nodded fervently, showering her with praise and throwing around melodramatic words like "warrior" and "survivor." She hadn't felt herself blush so much since her school days. She had no idea that they'd felt so strongly about her being there, and she was incredibly humbled by the efforts they'd put forth to let her know it. She was suddenly ashamed of how afraid she had been to return and wanted to apologize to all of them for her cowardly thoughts.
As the party died down, she looked around the room at her friends and listed all the ways she was grateful. Even in the midst of war, she had found such a strong group of allies – how many people were fortunate enough to say the same? Even if there was a traitor amongst them, how could she feel bitter when there were so many more who were loyal?
Rowan's gaze fell upon Remus, who was speaking quietly with Fabian in the corner. She was relieved to see that he'd relaxed for the night, and the other Order members seemed to feel the same. She thought of all the ways he'd supported her throughout everything and didn't know how to feel about him anymore. It'd be an understatement to say that he was her best friend, but they weren't lovers either. She reasoned that most wouldn't go to such lengths to protect their former lovers, but then again, this was Remus – wouldn't he have done it for any of their friends, not just her?
His eyes suddenly met hers from across the room, and the surprised look on his face was quickly replaced with a warm smile. She wanted to wrap herself in it and sleep until spring came. The realization of how much she still loved him startled her, but she felt no grief, no loneliness. She somehow knew that things would always be this way. She smiled back. How could she have ever thought him cold?
The next week, Rowan sat in the kitchen at the Order Headquarters after smoothly completing a mission with Arthur Weasley and Emmeline Vance. The three were silent, lost in their own thoughts. The air tasted stale. They had met up with an informant, an old shopkeeper from Knockturn Alley, who had witnessed a friendly and eerie exchange between known Death Eater Lucius Malfoy and Order member Isaiah Jones.
Rowan didn't know what to think. They all knew there had been a traitor within the Order, but the idea of Isaiah feeding the Death Eaters critical information was nauseating.
She realized suddenly that she barely knew the man. He had never been a vocal member, never outspoken or aggressive, and always going along with whatever plans the rest of the Order created without opinion. He had joined alone, without being pushed by friends or family, and Rowan suddenly wondered if this had been his intent all along. Had he been the one responsible for their ambush and Edgar Bones' murder? What else had he given away? Her stomach felt heavy with dread, and her throat tightened.
What would this mean for the Order? Were there more traitors among them? A cold trickle of fear crept up her spine. Despite not knowing him well, she had trusted him, never questioned his loyalties. She thought of Dorcas and Edgar - had they died because of their allies' blindness?
Her arm ached. Was he the one responsible for both fires – for hers and Remus' suffering?
"You know, I'm sort of relieved," Emmeline said suddenly.
Rowan and Arthur looked up at her, both confused. She was smiling weakly at the mug in her hands.
"It sort of makes sense, doesn't it?" she said softly. Her face held a humorless, bitter smile. "He never really spoke to anyone, never got to know any of us. Why hadn't we seen it before?"
Rowan grimaced. The older woman had voiced her own thoughts exactly – why hadn't they seen it? Were they so desperate for members that they'd completely overlooked all of the motivations behind his joining? What else had they overlooked?
"And at least now, we know it's not Lupin," Emmeline said flippantly.
Rowan's head jerked up and stared at the woman in front of her. Her heart had stopped. She couldn't possibly have just said that, could she?
Emmeline realized her mistake as soon as she had said it. Her face was pale with mortification and gaped at Rowan, horrified at the words that had slipped from her mouth.
"Rowan, I-" she started, but Rowan interrupted her.
"You thought it was Remus?" she asked, making no effort to hide her disdain. She couldn't move her arms.
Arthur stared at the two women, also pale and horrified. "Rowan, you have to understand," he whispered. "Remus' behavior for a long time was very strange, and he's been cold to everyone over the past six months or so. It was only natural that we'd begin to suspect him," he explained carefully.
Rowan stared at him, disbelieving. "'We'?" she exclaimed. They flinched at her shrill tone. "How many of you suspected him? When were you planning on telling me this?"
They looked down in shame, neither meeting her eye. A scream threatened to erupt from her chest. How could they even think of Remus as suspicious?
"What is wrong with you people?"she accused angrily. Her rage was rising to her throat, and she felt the heat in her face. "I'm the one who got hurt from all of this! How could you even think that he could betray us? Betray me?"
Emmeline looked up at her again, shame still written across her face. "Rowan, you have to understand. He was so angry after the accident. We thought that maybe he hadn't meant for you to get hurt, that there was a mistake and he was angry that you'd been injured in the crossfire. We know he'd never want to hurt you," she explained quickly. "And then he was so angry towards all of us. It was like he blamed us for what happened!"
"But you thought he'd want to hurt all of you!" Rowan exclaimed furiously. Arthur and Emmeline flinched and looked away again.
"I can't believe you," Rowan said softly, angrily. Realization hit her.
"It's because he's a werewolf, isn't it?" she accused. Her teammates didn't meet her eye. Fury swelled in her chest. "You thought that because Voldemort has werewolf supporters that Remus would be the obvious traitor!"
She looked at them frantically. They still had their gazes averted in shame. "You call yourselves his friends, but you look down on him just like everyone else!" she shouted angrily. She stood abruptly, rattling the table noisily. "I can't believe I came back here thinking that this Order was filled with honorable people, but you're nothing but ignorant cowards!" she screamed, grabbing her coat from her chair and slamming it into the table. She stormed from the room. They didn't try to stop her.
Rowan walked and walked through London alone, not knowing where she was going. She thought vaguely that she was breaking every one of the Order's rules about walking alone at night, but she was so angry, so furious at the Order that she spitefully wanted to disobey every rule, every piece of guidance that had been laid out for them. She almost wanted to get hurt, to make them regret ever suspecting Remus. Her legs moved quickly, forcefully. Her blood rushed through her veins with fire and flames, and she wanted to desperately burn something.
How many of them had suspected him and for how long? Did their friends suspect him too? She thought back to the shifty looks and expressions on their faces after she'd been injured and realized that they'd known all along. How long had they whispered behind her back, pitied her for not knowing? She suddenly was filled with spiteful rage and wanted to hurt her own friends for their lack of faith in Remus, in her. Hadn't they in fact betrayed him by thinking him the traitor? She'd never known such violence in her heart and realized that this must have been what Remus had felt as he'd watched her burn.
But she kept walking, storming through the empty city until she came to Remus' street. She looked up to the sky. The moon was waxing, nearly full. Her heart ached – another cycle, another full moon, another month that she had still been unable to help him. Would she ever be able to free him from this terrible condition and all that came with it? Her chest constricted with despair.
She pulled out her keys and carefully fingered through them until she found his. Would he be home? She felt a pull of determination as she entered the building and walked up the stairs to his flat. As she stood outside of his door, she was pained by all that laid between them.
When Remus answered the door, he was shocked to see Rowan standing there, looking at him as if she hadn't seen him in months. Rowan's eyes searched over his frantically, and the innocent surprise, the twist of concern on his lips made her want to press her own against them. She hadn't wanted to kiss him so badly in so long, and she was overwhelmed with the need to show him how wonderful he was, how much she loved him.
"Rowan," he frowned but stood aside to let her in. She walked in dazedly. "What're you doing here? I thought I told you to let me know when you were done at Headquarters," he scolded seriously.
Rowan stood in the middle of his apartment and gazed around, confused. Her coat remained on her shoulders, and she felt strangely small. She didn't say anything, and he was beginning to worry.
"Winnie," he called out to her, approaching her slowly. Rowan looked up at him with that same expression of frustration. "Winnie, what's wrong? What happened?" he asked softly, placing his hands on her arms and lowering himself slightly to look at her better.
As he looked at her with the rising concern in his eyes, she realized that she couldn't tell him what Emmeline and Arthur had said. He was so good – how could she tell him that their friends, their best friends, had mistrusted him? She'd never felt so betrayed, so hurt, and she hadn't even been the one they'd suspected.
Despair filled her lungs. He wasn't hers anymore. Did she have the right to feel this pain for him, to try to bear his burden? No matter how much she wanted him, how much she loved him, she knew that she couldn't hold him to her. His condition wasn't just a physical burden - it had become such a critical part of him, something ingrained into his very spirit. Even if she were to cure him of it eventually, would he ever really be free of the monster that lived inside of him? Would ever fully be hers?
It didn't make sense to feel this much grief after being apart for so many months. Had it just never sunk in before now, that they weren't together anymore? She saw the distance between them as they stood together in his apartment and felt the weight of it heavily on her heart. Even with his hands on her, she felt so far from him. She lifted her hands to her face and felt her wet tears on her fingertips. She hadn't even realized that she'd been crying.
"Rowan, please, you're scaring me. What happened?" he asked, panic rising in his voice. He moved a hand to her face and thumbed away some of the tears there.
The gentleness of the gesture constricted her throat, and she held herself from back grasping it, from leaning into the warmth of his touch. This was as far as she could go.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I don't know what's come over me. I just really needed to see you."
The worry didn't leave Remus' face. His eyes searched hers for some sort of answer besides what she'd give him, and she kept her gaze forward, unwavering.
Finally, he pulled her towards him gently and held her against him. Her body went limp. She was too tired to fight him. Her head laid against his chest, and she heard the steady rhythm of his heart. She closed her eyes and tried to match her own to it.