A/N: Hey! What have I got in store for you this time then? Angst? Fluff? Drama? Suspense? Those of you who want to revert to the well-worn paperback need to make your decision right now on whether you're closing your eyes and waiting or ripping the pages open...Time's up! Hope you like ;-)
Piper sank into Alex's chest, burying her face in her shirt and feeling her tears soak into the material as she pressed her cheeks into it. Alex's arms wrapped around her tightly, pulling her close so that she felt soothed by the simple feeling of her girlfriend breathing steadily against her. For the first time in as long as she could remember, she was letting go of all of the pretence and control she had built up to protect herself from the world and it seemed that once that first chink broke the seal, the emotion couldn't be stopped. It cascaded from her as a river of hurt and pain and was absorbed by her girlfriend's top as she sat there pouring her heart out. Her instincts were always to save face and maintain a smile or a stoic resolve in the face of adversity and it was a method that had worked for her for her whole life. In fact, it had been an essential part of her surviving incarceration at Litchfield and without it, her experience there would have been much worse. The overwhelming helplessness she was feeling at the moment had probably been building since Alex asked her to carry that suitcase of money all those years ago. That had been the start of her losing control if she had to put her finger on it. The start of her bending to another person's whim and placing herself knowingly into a situation she had no control over. She hadn't noticed it at first because she didn't even know what was in the case in terms of the sheer size of the deal she was transporting. But once she had agreed to that, Alex saw that she could manipulate her emotions to help her out of a tight spot until Piper was finally pushed further than she was willing to go for someone who was falling deeper and deeper into the drug operation and wouldn't walk away from it. Her girlfriend had been power hungry and Piper had been blinded by her adoration of that persona. Yes, since that point she had allowed herself to become a God-damned victim in life. She didn't feel resentment towards Alex at this moment, only frustration and anger at how much she had lost control of her life. There were no words spoken in the cold store room and Piper didn't feel under any pressure to break the silence as she lay in her lover's lap. Alex moved her fingers slowly over the material of Piper's sweater as though she were lulling her to sleep. They lost track of time as they sat in that position, the noises of the store behind them as customers came and went drifting into the background. Eventually, Piper's breathing slowed and her heaving subsided as the river ran dry. After laying still for a while and gathering herself back into some sort of order, she wiped her face with the arm of her sleeve and leaned back from Alex a little. As she didn't move to get up, Alex pulled her back against her gently and kissed the top her her head.
"You ok?" Alex spoke softly into her hair.
"Think so."
Alex stroked her hair with her left hand and pulled her thighs against her body as they continued to sit on the floor. The position was anything but comfortable, but the feeling of her girlfriend needing her comfort and finally letting her walls down was far more important to the taller woman.
"I've wet your shirt, sorry." The blonde ran her fingers over the damp patch she had left.
"Really? I hope you didn't shrink it with a hot wash. It's one of my favourites after all." Alex spoke into the blonde hair nestled into her neck.
"To be honest, there's a fair amount of snot mixed in there too, so I think another wash might be in order anyway."
"That's not my preferred detergent, so I agree a rinse might be best. It's the thought that counts though, right?"
Piper laughed a little. "I'm glad you think so."
Alex leaned her face back a little and lifted Piper's chin so she could see her properly, running her thumbs over Piper's cheeks to wipe away the remaining tears. "You are what counts." She leaned down to kiss the end of her nose. Piper smiled and tucked her face back into Alex's neck again. She moved her arms around Alex's waist and squeezed her to her body, wanting to stay right there, but sensing that Alex must be uncomfortable sitting on the hard floor with Piper on her lap.
Polly knocked lightly on the door and opened it a crack to poke her head through the small gap.
"Just wanted to check you were OK in here... Piper?" The blonde reluctantly pulled away from Alex's embrace and stood up to straighten out her limbs again.
"I'm OK. Sorry, I don't know what came over me Pol." She walked towards her friend to hug her. "Must be my hormones."
"Piper it's fine, really. You're perfectly entitled to a meltdown. The couple that came in as you did bought a chunk of gift boxes because i told them you were upset that the chamomile range wasn't selling and it was all your idea."
"Pol! That's an awful thing to say!" Piper chuckled, but it was quite devoid of any humour as she released her friend and Alex stood up from the floor.
"We can't afford morals. Maybe you could make it a daily routine?...Kidding! Seriously though, I'm sorry for messing with you about cancelling the meeting with John. I didn't realise you felt so bad about it." Polly looked into Piper's eyes so her friend could see genuine remorse for causing Piper to feel so hopeless suddenly.
"Forget it, it was stupid. Honestly, I'm just hyper sensitive at the moment Pol. They've set a date for the court case for Darryl, which means I'll be called as a witness. The thought of going back to court just brings it all back you know?" Piper shrugged, but Polly hugged her tightly again.
"Fuck Piper, why didn't you say anything? When is it?"
"Four weeks away yet. Anyway, I'm sorry for the mini breakdown - and less sorry for the increase in sales."
"Have you told your parents? About the court date being set?" Polly pressed, sensing this was a much bigger issue than Piper was letting on.
"Not yet. I'm still getting my head around it. I will though. I promise. Don't say anything will you?"
"I won't. Are you talking to Sarah about it?"
"Yeah, she knows. Her pen is constantly poised for me having a breakdown anyway, so she'd be gutted to have missed this."
"Pipes, I don't think she's actually hoping for tears to be fair." Alex chipped in from behind her, chiding her flippant jibe at the therapist.
"Yeah, you say that. I'm sure I saw a breakdown bingo grid at the back of her notebook last week...Joke!" Piper rolled her eyes at the distinct lack of humour from either of her companions.
"Your sense of humour gets a little warped by your hormones does it? Now...as much as it's been entertaining to have you here this afternoon, you're supposed to be taking time off. Is this how you planned to spend your day off Alex?" Polly looked over Piper's shoulder to change the subject.
"It wasn't meant to be a day off actually, but Nicky and Lorna seem to have work under control as far as I can tell. I haven't had any calls for a while though, so I might just call and see if they are managing -."
"No. Absolutely not. We got sidetracked I admit, but you promised to not call now we've been to see Nicky. Let's go to my place as planned. Come on, before Polly puts me behind the counter."
"As you wish princess, lead the way." Alex bowed theatrically and nodded some reassurance to Polly as Piper went ahead of them out of the room.
They drove to Piper's apartment in a comfortable silence, with Piper looking out of the window. Alex wasn't going to push her to keep talking, but she could already sense that Piper was carrying less tension in her body as a result of letting some of her emotions out. Piper let them into the apartment and Alex sat on the sofa while she went into the bathroom and freshened up, washing her face and splashing her skin with cool water. Her eyes were puffy and red, even if the tears were dry. She felt like she needed to change into fresh clothes if nothing else and she was in her room with the door closed over when she heard Alex outside knocking.
"Everything OK Pipes?" The brunette didn't come in, figuring the door was closed for a reason so she stood outside and talked through the wood.
"Yeah, I won't be long. Do you want to get a coffee or anything while you wait?"
"No, I'm good. Just seeing if you needed anything is all. I'll wait in the kitchen though, take your time."
Piper changed quickly on hearing Alex outside, afraid that the brunette might come in while she was undressed. It seemed ridiculous to worry about her girlfriend seeing her naked, but Piper's reactions couldn't be helped and she was quickly wearing a fresh pair of jeans and buttoning up a clean shirt. She sat to put her socks on and thought how silly it seemed now that the marketing meeting was the straw that broke the camel's back today. She had been studiously maintaining her walls with every new curveball that came her way and that was the one that broke them down. She finished packing her bag and opened the door to make her way to see Alex leaning in the kitchen table as she looked at her phone. As she dropped her bag by the door, Alex looked up to see her girlfriend was changed.
"How are you feeling babe?"
"Good, yeah. Ready when you are."
"Cool. Let's go then."
They drove to Alex's place with the radio playing in the background and Alex telling Piper about how she got to know John Peters, since she'd only told Polly the story previously.
"So John's brother is the guy who left all those boxes outside in the rain a few weeks ago?"
Alex laughed. "Yes, I suppose so. I'm sure we reimbursed you for those by the way."
"Oh you did. I'm not looking for compensation. I also thought he was sending me chocolates at one point." Piper chuckled as Alex looked totally perplexed. "Never mind. Long story."
They got back to Alex's place and Piper dropped her bag by the door and shrugged her coat off.
"Why don't you catch up with Nicky and Lorna and find out how everything went today? I'll see what you've got in the cupboards and make some dinner while you do that, then you can relax for a bit hey?"
"Would you mind? I promise not to be too long. I'm just a bit worried that neither of them have called all day and I can't help but feel like they are hiding some major catastrophe..." Alex hung her jacket on the hook and threw her keys into the table before giving Piper a quick peck on the cheek. She picked up her laptop and phone charger, taking everything into the dining room so Piper could listen to some music while she was in the kitchen. It was almost 2 hours later when Alex finally felt like all of her questions had been answered and it genuinely seemed like everything had gone well today. Finding that company to subcontract at short notice had been a real help in the circumstances, especially since they knew the contract already. She had been so sure that there would be a major flaw, that it unnerved her to not find one.
"Hey, everything sorted?" Piper went to take their plates out of the oven as she'd been keeping their food warm until Alex was finished.
"I think so. Either that or Nicky has been a child actress in a former life because she's an amazing liar. They got most of it done today, so it's just mopping up tomorrow. Everyone wants in on the overtime, so I'd be a spare part I think if you want to go some place tomorrow?" Alex took a seat where Piper had set the places at the breakfast bar since Alex's paperwork was covering the dining table.
"That would be nice actually. And I'm sure Nicky and Lorna would tell you if they suspected any problems, really Alex."
"Mmmm, is that spaghetti bolognese?"
"Sure is. Not as good as your Mom's, but I still try and follow the same recipe. I never have quite matched it in all these years of trying." Piper smiled as she put the plate in front of Alex. "Did you want some wine? I'm just going to have water, but I can open a bottle for you if you like?"
"I'm not opening one just for me. That's the third time you've had water instead of wine this week. Are you giving up completely?" Alex began tucking into her meal with gusto as she was starving.
"I don't think I'm going tee total if that's what you mean, but I was drinking too much before. I'm just trying to not have any at all until I can trust myself not to go overboard. At the moment, I don't think one bottle would be enough, so I just want to avoid it right now. Don't let that put you off though."
They enjoyed their meal, eating every morsel while they talked about the other great recipes that Alex's Mom had made that they had enjoyed together years ago. Piper always felt guilty that she had enjoyed so many nice meals in Alex's family home as her girlfriend, whilst Alex hadn't so much as been introduced to her family. She didn't even exist as far as they had been concerned at the time, let alone be welcome to join them for a sit down meal and share recipes. The chances of that happening when they already knew Alex as the girl who 'made her' commit a crime and then turned her over to the law to save her own skin...No, there were no cosy family dinners on the agenda for the immediate future as far as Piper reckoned.
"Pipes that was awesome and I'm sure my Mom would have been proud." Alex stood to clear the table, suddenly feeling a little awkward at mentioning her Mom so much and Piper joined her, taking the condiments away.
"I'm sorry I left you that day Al. I'll never forgive myself for not being there for you when you lost your Mom." Piper spoke, watching Alex carefully as she said the words to check her reaction. Alex carried on tidying and didn't say anything.
"It was a selfish and heartless thing to have done, I know that now. I've known it for a long time. If I could turn back time and change-"
"We can't change the past Pipes. There would be a Hell of a lot we'd both change in that chequered past we have. There have been times when I'd have changed ever going into that bar and meeting you for the first time, just to save the daily feeling of having my heart ripped out when I woke up realising you weren't there any more. I wouldn't have asked you to join me when I travelled for work, never asked you to carry that money to Brussels, never mentioned your name to the police, never put you in prison, then you'd never have been raped. If we're talking about regrets and changing the past, there's so fucking much I'd need to re-do differently and I have no guarantee that I'd be sitting here with you right now if I'd changed all of those things."
"I know. You're right, we've not exactly covered ourselves in glory have we?"
"Hell no."
"I just wanted you to know that I have regretted leaving you that day from pretty much landing at the airport from the flight that broke us up. Regretted not being there when you needed me the most when your Mom died and regretted leaving the love of my life in order to live a life of fucking misery mostly." Piper stepped towards Alex and pushed her dark hair behind her ear so she could clearly see her green eyes looking back at her and know she was listening. Alex pulled away, suddenly claustrophobic from the touch and the subject matter combined. It was hard enough maintaining a normal conversation about her Mom and it had been enjoyable to talk about her with someone who knew and liked the woman she loved and missed so much. But now, the apology was too much. As much as she had yearned to hear those words from Piper for years already, she was suddenly not prepared for them. Avoiding Piper's eyes, she re-sorted the bottom tray of the dishwasher to keep her head bowed as she tried to get her emotions in check.
"I'm sorry. I didn't...I just wanted to tell you...I'm just sorry Alex. I really am. I didn't mean to upset you..." Piper was wringing her hands helplessly as she fumbled to find the right words. It seemed like the right time to say sorry and she really wanted Alex to know how bad she had felt about what happened. Watching Alex move everything around the tray several times over, Piper was at a loss for how to fix this and reached out to the brunette, placing a hand on her back.
"Alex..."
"I know alright. I hear you. I do... I just can't hear this right now." Alex didn't stand up or turn around to talk, but her words were almost a whisper from her lungs, avoiding her voice box completely as they clawed their way out of her mouth. "Not now. Please let's not do this right now." She finally lifted her face to the ceiling, sighing heavily as she sought to expel the emotion into the air instead of speak it. It had been an emotionally charged week already and with Piper finally letting her through her defences only hours ago, there was way too much emotional baggage to effectively deal with and Alex didn't trust herself to deal with everything in the right way when she was tired and focused on taking care of Piper right now. Aware that Piper was standing awkwardly by her side, Alex blinked her eyes clear and reached out to pull the blonde into a tight embrace without meeting her eyes. "I can't deal with that day right now Pipes. Can we just be in the here and now, just us?" Alex's voice was barely a whisper as she forced the words out while holding back her emotions.
Piper wrapped her arms around her back and soothed them up and down her muscles, relieved that Alex hadn't frozen her out. "We can do that. The here and now sounds like exactly where I want to be." She kissed Alex on the neck and relished the smell of her girlfriend's hair, enjoying their closeness. Alex pulled back and turned away from Piper to flick the dishwasher on.
"I'll put your bag upstairs out of the way if you want to put the TV on for a bit?" Alex was already on her way through the door as Piper nodded her agreement. She felt awkward for mentioning Diane and had thought that it was the right time to apologise for leaving, not that she was more sure of Alex's intentions of being back in her life. Piper stood in the kitchen for a while before moving to switch the TV on. She thought long and hard about following Alex, but knew that her girlfriend needed a moment alone and respected that.
Alex returned a few minutes later when Piper was sitting on the sofa, channel hopping.
"Hey, you want some ice cream? I've got a tub of Ben & Jerry's finest here with your name on it."
"Lemme see which one you've got and I'll tell you." Piper joined her in the kitchen as Alex pulled out a new tub of Phish Food and waved it at her.
"Mmmm, count me in." Alex grinned and turned to get a spoon and a bowl to sit the tub in so they didn't get cold hands. Piper moved to stand behind her, circling her waist with her arms.
"Hey, are we good?" Piper nuzzled her nose into the back of Alex's neck and kissed her softly.
"Yeah. Sorry, I'm not used to talking about my Mom." Alex turned around to hold onto Piper's forearms as she spoke. "Thank you for saying those things though." She smiled and moved Piper's hair out of her eyes.
"Thank you for not throwing them back in my face."
"I thought about it for four years believe me and it always ended with my righteous indignation. But you've already dissolved all the anger I had been storing for that conversation."
"That's good."
"Plus, you apologised. And you NEVER used to apologise. You kinda took the rug from under me all ways."
Piper grinned at Alex's candid admission.
"Nice to know I've still got a couple of tricks up my sleeve that keep you on your toes Alex Vause." Piper moved as though she was going to kiss Alex's lips, before dipping to the side to snatch the ice cream. Alex pulled her back as she tried to scamper away with her prize and took a kiss anyway.
"Oh, I don't doubt that at all. There's never a dull moment when you're around." Alex followed her into the lounge and lay at the back of the sofa, patting the space in front of her.
"We're doing the cutlery role play are we?"
"You know it's your favourite." Alex smiled as Piper settled her back into the brunettes front and brought up the Netflix menu.
"I was thinking The Good Wife..."
"You only want to lust over Khalinda."
"I do not! It's the court room politics I'm interested in."
"And Khalinda."
"Whatever." Piper lay on her back and waved the spoon at Alex, rolling her eyes. "Will a spoon full of this shut you up?"
"I guess it depends on your aim." Alex raised an eyebrow. "Let's see shall we?" She parted her rosy lips slowly for Piper to feed her a helping of ice cream. Piper grinned and filled the spoon before slowly moving it towards Alex's mouth. Their eyes remained locked as the spoon moved to Alex's lips and Piper couldn't help but graze the bottom of the spoon over those luscious lips before she gently dipped the spoon inside her girlfriend's mouth. Alex moaned a little at the taste and licked her lips, Piper transfixed beneath her now as Alex reclined on her elbow against the cushions.
"Good?"
"Mmmm"
"More?"
"Mhmm"
"OK...here comes the airplane..." Piper spooned another helping up and flew it to Alex, who chased after it with her mouth open and tongue out trying to catch the melting ice cream before Piper put it into her own mouth.
"Oh, now that's MUCH easier to get from there." Alex dipped her head down and pressed her mouth against Piper's as she tried to prize her lips open by pushing her tongue along her girlfriend's lips. When Piper pressed them closed further, she sat back a little and raised an eyebrow. "I see. You never did like sharing. Well, I guess I'll have to feed myself in that case." She leaned over for the tub and dipped two fingers into the soft ice cream around the side, curling them slowly and scooping up the mushy wetness as Piper watched. She slowly moved her sticky fingers up and down in the tub, knowing she had Piper's full attention. "Mmm, this feels soooo good Pipes." She grinned wickedly at Piper's rapt attention and darkened eyes before she continued. She lifted her fingers out and held them up to observe the creamy texture that covered them before holding Piper's eyes and sticking her long tongue out to lick them one at a time, moving up each digit slowly and between them to taste all of the flavours before sucking them into her mouth and closing her eyes, moaning at the taste. After a couple of seconds of her pumping her fingers slowly in and out of her mouth as she sucked them clean, Alex opened her eyes to look at Piper again.
"You want some?"